


New Game Plus By: DuncanIdaho2014

by Silkywings (orphan_account)



Category: One Piece
Genre: Adventure, Bigger Crew, DuncanIdaho2014, Humor, OP55!!, Straw Hat Armada, Straw hat Time travels, Super strong Crew, Time Travel, WIP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 148,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Silkywings
Summary: After a disaster worse than Sabaody, the crew are 'saved' by Vegapunk's experimental time machine. All of the crew is blown back into their past bodies with all of their memories. As Luffy slowly gathers them together again, the world will never be the same. Who wants the same old boring adventure? Screw the plot, and let the chips fall where they may.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 108





	1. Chapter 1

**I love time travel fics, mostly because I love it when the good guys totally own the bad guys. I get that some people like the hopelessness of the struggle, but I prefer happily ever after's. Don't get me wrong, I love epic fight scenes as much as the next guy, but I don't want my heart to stop wondering if the author's going to actually do character death.**

**Anyway, my favorite fic of all time is YAWALEH by Third Fang, and one of my favorite aspects of it was that it wasn't JUST one character with advance knowledge. Most time-travel fics stick a little too close to canon for my liking, simply because it's easier to explain away. But I want to experiment, and I'm not afraid to completely rewrite the premise as long as it's just as cool as the original.**

**P.S. Not going to lie, this was heavily inspired by 'The Will of D' by The Animaniac Dude and 'Once again' by TheVictor, but I'm not going to blindly copy and paste, this will be distinctively my own. Just felt I should mention credit.**

**Sweeping Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. This is just fun.**

* * *

The Straw Hat Pirates rushed into the room, slamming the heavy steel door shut behind them. Almost immediately, sounds of banging and raised voices started outside. It sounded like an army was trying to break through. And that was because there was.

Nami slumped to the ground, her Sorcery Clima-Tact falling from her hand as she held herself up on shaking arms. Her hair, normally so glossy and well-mannered, now looked like a nest of a particularly messy bird. Dirt and dust were coated so thick that her natural orange was hidden in spots. The bottom of each strand was scorched black, and were now three inches shorter than they had been that morning.

Catching her breath, Nami threw back her head and screamed "FUCK THIS!"

Her nakama didn't even respond to her stronger-than-usual language. They either agreed or were too exhausted to comment.

The situation was pretty bleak. After the craziness on Dressrosa, Luffy and the group had been all set on the next big adventure in the New World. When they finally docked at an unassuming Autumn Island (after a brief episode of sailing upside-down), the last thing they had expected was an ambush worthy of the record books.

Akainu himself had appeared from out of nowhere, leading two Buster Call's worth of ships to surround the entire island. The crew had barely managed to evacuate the Thousand Sunny before enough cannon shells to blot out the sun had consumed the dream ship in an explosion so big it burned the clouds. Franky had cried out like a wounded animal, and it had taken the combined efforts of Sanji, Zoro, and Robin to keep him from running into the inferno that was once their beloved home.

Before they could grieve, before they could even think, the crew was besieged by what seemed like half of the entire Marine navy. Wave after wave of bloodthirsty soldiers had come for them, each certain that they were serving 'Justice'. The crew had rallied and shown the Marines exactly why the Straw Hat Pirates were known throughout the world. Zoro scattered them like leaves, Sanji burned them with the explosive power of his legs, Usopp unleashed terrible freaks of nature, Nami turned the very elements against them, Franky displayed the benefits of technological superiority, Brook serenaded and sliced them in equal measure, Robin firmly earned the unique title of 'mass assassin', Chopper proved how much of a monster he was, and Luffy crushed them like bugs.

And yet for every Marine they downed, three more rushed forward to pick up the slack. And it wasn't a massacre of the weak, oh no. These were the battle-hardened veterans of the New World. A menagerie of Devil Fruit abilities and unique fighting styles tested the skill and ingenuity of each of Luffy's nakama. And the whole while, cannon fire rained down on them, Akainu showing just how disposable he saw his men while in the pursuit of 'Absolute Justice'.

Hurt in a thousand ways, the crew had slowly been forced to retreat inland or be overwhelmed by sheer numbers. Things only got worse as they had to trek through harsh, unfamiliar forests while the Marines got only more crazed with each loss. Franky had finally had to resort to dragging the whole crew on a desperate Coup de Boo, a function he had kept during his remodel. They had crash landed near what looked like an abandoned Marine base, and had for a second thought they had escaped… only to discover that Marines had been closing in from every side of the island. Exhausted and starting to feel truly afraid, the crew had fled into the base, dodging every manner of attack as the Marines followed right on their heels. At last, they had finally ducked into the room with the biggest door they could find.

As the cacophony outside the door grew louder, the Straw Hats couldn't muster the energy to care. Chopper, looking half-dead and possibly already unconscious, continued to splint Brook's snapped right fibula. The skeleton musician, even with the limited emotions a skull alone could convey, looked ready to cry. A large chunk of his afro was missing, sliced off some kind of mantis Zoan. Franky, for all his size, seemed very small as he hid his face in his hands. Usopp seemed to be squeezing his trembling lips shut as tight as he could, but the odd hysterical gibber sneaked through. Sanji reached in his pockets for his lighter, brought it up to his lips, only to stare at it as if he had never seen it before, and then threw it at the door that was already starting to dent. Robin and Zoro both had resigned expressions; she tilted her head so her hair would hide her tears, while Zoro simply clutched the hilt of Wado to his chest. The blade had snapped clean off when he'd crossed blades with a Captain with some kind of sound or vibrating ability. Luffy seemed to have frozen, his eyes stuck in the distance. His lips were moving, but not even Chopper could have heard the continuous string of "Not again," coming out his mouth.

Nami slowly pulled herself together before standing up. As she did so often, she took charge. "Robin, how long is that door going to hold?"

The only other female on the crew replied dryly. "They have battering rams. And the Fleet Admiral himself is on his way. We have five minutes at the most."

Nami bit her lip. She turned to survey the room, hoping to see some other way out, when suddenly she was blinded by spotlights.

"Ah, test subjects."

Roused from catatonia, the crew blinked until their vision returned. Only now did they see exactly what the room they had barricaded themselves in was. Several large, complicated, expensive-looking metal apparatuses seemed embedded into the walls. Several antennas, vents, and other things not even Franky could name seemed pointed at them. The roof seemed to be entirely made of fluorescent lights set brighter than sunshine, while the floor was bare concrete with a red circle drawn on it, encompassing the whole crew. On the wall opposite the still clanging door, a window of glass was set at eye level. Beyond it, they all could barely make out a shadowy figure.

"Who the hell are you?" Luffy demanded, snapped out of his crippling flashbacks by the most recent crisis.

"How rude. But if you must know, my name is Dr. Vegapunk." The voice was clearly distorted, whether by the poor quality of the speakers it emanated from or deliberate intent, they couldn't tell.

Franky's eyes widened. "Dr. Vegapunk? The genius scientist?"

"Ah yes, Cyborg Franky. You seem to have availed yourself of some of my old blueprints. I knew I forgot something back home." The figure cleared his throat, and then seemed to reach for a button. "I'll get straight to the point. This island is where I keep some of my more esoteric experiments. Your and your pursuers' presence is unexpected, but I'll make due. I'm going to interpret your barging in here as volunteering as human trials for my latest invention. I hope you don't mind."

"The hell you talking about, you shitty—" Sanji couldn't get any further before losing consciousness. Almost all at once, everyone but Luffy and Brook seemed to pass out on the ground.

Luffy looked at his nakama in shock and panic. "Guys! What's wrong? Why'd you go to sleep at a time like this?"

"Hmm," came the garbled voice. "Curious. You and that animate skeleton seem immune to my sleeping gas. Even Caesar couldn't make better, so how are you resisting?"

"Of course sleeping gas doesn't work on me! I can't breathe it in, because I don't have lungs! Skull joke, yohohoho!" Brook reached up to tilt his hat, only to clutch empty air. A stray cannonball had come within inches of his head and taken his top hat and crown with it.

"Ah, naturally. And if Straw Hat Luffy survived an encounter with Magellan, it is safe to assume that toxins would naturally have a lower efficacy against him." Vegapunk made the remark as if it were an interesting fact to write down later, not as if he were talking about other human beings. "Well, no matter. You don't necessarily have to be docile for the experiment."

Luffy grit his teeth and pulled back his fist. "Listen, Mr. Vega-whatever! If you do anything to my nakama, I swear I'll—"

"Do shut up. Flux Capacitor Test #22, begin."

In an instant, the entire room was filled with blinding light, as if a sun had been born. A mechanical whirring echoed throughout the base, making the Marines outside the door pause to wonder. After a few seconds, the light dimmed, revealing an empty room. Other than marks made from blood, there was not a single sign that the Straw Hat Pirates had ever been there.

Vegapunk waited a full minute before turning to his log. "Note. After successfully transporting nine sentient life forms into the past, and in the absence of paradoxical annihilation or tangible temporal shifts, I conclude that time travel is not a viable method to alter the present. Anything sent back simply generates an alternate reality, leaving the original unchanged." The doctor waited a second, before adding the idle thought rolling around his head. Everything generated by his mind deserved to be chronicled. "Comment. I wonder how different that other world looks."

* * *

Luffy groaned, scrunching his closed eyes. He had a headache like nobody's business. It was worse than the time he'd gotten in a drinking contest with Zoro and Nami. Every pulse of blood through his head came with a throb of unholy soreness. What the hell happened last night?

In a flash, it hit him. Akainu, Marines, Sunny dying, Nami screaming, creepy scientist!

"VEGAPUNK!" Luffy roared, leaping to his feet, ready to punch the creep into next week. Well, he tried. Instead he flopped like pancake and the pounding got upgraded to someone knocking nails into his skull. "Ow~!" Luffy moaned, bringing his hands up clutch his head.

After another ten minutes of moaning, and deciding it wasn't going to hurt any less to be awake so he might as well move, Luffy forced his eyes open. They shot open as wide as possible the moment what he was seeing processed. It had been years since he'd seen it, but he'd know that roof anywhere. Hardly daring to believe it, Luffy slowly sat up, ignoring the answering ache, and looked around. There was no mistaking it.

It was the treehouse. The one he, Ace, and Sabo built.

Luffy slowly walked over to the wheel, reaching out to touch it with reverence. The wood felt warm and familiar in his hand. He looked out through the window at the beautiful view of the forests of Mt. Colubo. It was just as he remembered. But there was no way he was really back here.

Luffy reached up to pinch his chest. He felt an unpleasant sting, almost even pain, but nothing changed. Pinching was supposed to wake you up from dreams, right? And something felt… off about his chest. Luffy laid his hand on his chest, trying to puzzle out what was wrong. There was no way. Luffy pulled off the t-shirt he was wearing (he hadn't worn t-shirts since he was 15, what was going on?), and looked down.

"No way," Luffy breathed, reaching up to trace the plain skin of his chest. There wasn't any of the manly muscle he'd worked so hard to get over the years. But most importantly, there was no scar. The mark left by Akainu that terrible day at Marineford wasn't there. Perfectly healthy skin covered his chest.

Anyone else would probably be having a panic attack or breakdown in denial, but not Luffy. His simple mind didn't raise any objections about how what he was thinking was impossible. He just connected the dots. He pinched himself and nothing happened, so this wasn't a dream. And there was no way all his adventures were some crazy dream he'd had while sleeping in the tree house. He'd been hurt there too. He was shorter, back on Dawn Island, and his chest was fine. And that creepy Vegapunk guy had said something about an experiment.

"Mystery experiment." Luffy noted sagely. "So, I went back in time." A second of silence. "So awesome!" A wild grin spread across Luffy's lips. He was back home! He'd sailed through the river of time. That was legendary. Even Usopp hadn't done that…

Luffy's grin died as realized what this really meant. He was back. Back before he left the island, before he met his nakama, before he had all his adventures. None of it had happened yet. It might be years before he saw any of them again.

But how many years? How far back had he gone?

Luffy shook his head. There were a lot of questions unanswered, and as much he hated to think (it hurt his head), he was the only one who could answer them. But to get answers, he had to get information. First thing to figure out was when exactly he was. Putting his shirt pack on, making sure Hat was snugly set on his head, Luffy hopped out of the tree house and went to find Dadan's house.

Everything was exactly as he remembered it. The trees, the smells, everything. Well, not exactly. Luffy had Haki this time. A little focus and he could hear the voice of every animal around, so he had no problem running around them. Not that he couldn't go for a quick bite, but he left all his hunting gear back in the house. Besides, he needed to have his questions answered.

Luffy realized just how much he took his strength and speed for granted. By the time he finally made it from the tree house to Dadan's lodge, he was breathing hard and the sun had noticeably shifted in the sky. The day before… or after… later… whatever, he could have done the whole trip in a couple minutes without breaking a sweat. He had a lot of work to do if he was going to get back in the shape he was used to. But how long did he have to work before he had to left? Gah, this is why he hated having to think and ask questions! It was so annoying until you found the answer! He had no idea why Robin and Chopper seemed to like it so much.

Dogra was sweeping the front porch when Luffy slowed. Down he looked up and gave a smile. "Hello, Luffy. Don't suppose you'll actually do some of your chores for me, will you?"

Luffy ignored him. He was going to answer this question already. "Dogra, how old am I?"

The dwarf quirked a brow. "Are you really asking that question?"

"Just tell me how old I am, damn it!" Luffy shouted. The headache never really went away, and it was only getting worse the longer the question was floating around in his head.

Dogra sighed. "You're 14, Luffy. That means you have to wait three years before you can follow after Ace. Well, two and a half since you're birthdays are close. It's only been two days since he left and you're already this impatient? You need to learn to slow down, appreciate life passing around you."

"Uh-huh," Luffy muttered, not hearing anything after the first sentence. So, he was 14. Since he woke up alone, that meant Ace already left. He had three years to train and think through all the other questions. Knowing he didn't have to worry about leaving the very next day, Luffy smiled and happily stopped thinking. He had plenty of time.

The rest of the day was like a particularly vivid memory. After hugging Dadan (something she'd blustered at, but he knew it made her day), Luffy had run out into the forest to hunt for his five daily doses of protein. He tested on one wolf to see if his Conqueror's Haki still worked, and was pleased to see he had as much control over it as when Rayleigh had finished training him. For the rest of the pack, he worked to get them the old-fashioned way. He needed the exercise.

After bringing back the biggest as 'rent' and devouring it alongside the rest of the Dadan family, Luffy decided to sleep there to save time. The next day he did almost the exact same thing, only he went after crocodiles. Then the day after that he did boars. It was almost too easy to slip back into things.

Luffy panicked on his fourth day 'back' when it took him a couple seconds to remember Brook's name. The image of a skeleton laughing had popped up, and he'd been confused until his musician's name had followed after. He'd dropped what he'd been doing and ran straight to the tree house, the safest place he knew.

Luffy took a deep breath and turned his brain back on. He'd almost forgotten about his nakama! It might hurt to think, but if he didn't, all those precious memories could slip away, now that he couldn't see them every day to remind him. With Rayleigh, it had been different. He'd been doing it in order to see them again. He'd had purpose. But the last few days, he'd just been having fun, reliving his childhood. Too much, it seemed.

Luffy pulled Hat down over his eyes and closed his eyes. He needed to work some things out.

Fun as it had been, he couldn't just do the same thing he'd done the first time around. If he did that, he'd end up the same way he'd been last time, too weak to save Ace. He had to do things different if he wanted things to go different.

And Luffy was sure he wanted to do things differently this time. He didn't want to have the same adventures as last time. He wanted new ones! Besides, the 'old way' had ended with him and his entire crew almost getting killed by the Marines only to be 'saved' by Vegapunk.

Speaking of which… had his nakama gone back in time too? They were in the same room as him when that weird flash had happened. Then again, he had no idea how the mystery experiment worked. Maybe he only remembered because he'd been awake. Maybe he'd been the only one hit by the flash and the others were still there in the future. Luffy started to feel some serious steam build up as he kept thinking of 'maybe's, so he decided to plan as if he was the only one that remembered. If the other's did, that would be twenty different kinds of awesome, but he shouldn't get his hopes up.

So, how would he do things differently? He still wanted to meet all his nakama, so he'd go the same way in the Grand Line. But he'd have to get much stronger if he wanted to be ready to save Ace. Luffy wondered if maybe he could talk Ace out of it or maybe take down Blackbeard at Jaya, but he decided he couldn't. Ace was avenging a nakama. It wasn't Luffy's place to interfere. And since there was no way Ace was also back in time, he'd lose like last time. So, Luffy had to get strong enough in three years to either get all the way through Impel Down on the first try, or actually help at Marineford.

But wait… how would he get to Impel Down in the first place? Did he let Kuma blow him away to Hancock's island? Luffy screamed with his mouth closed. This was all so complicated! Nami was the one that was good at planning.

Okay, so, he had to get really strong, if he wanted to stop Marineford or Akainu's ambush from happening again. But… was getting stronger really going to solve everything? Luffy thought back to the horrible attack that had led to all this. He and his nakama were really strong, New World strong, and they still lost. Even the Whitebeard guy had lost, and he was the strongest guy in the world. There were just too many Marines.

Luffy thought about something Nami said when counting treasure. "Quality is better than quantity. But both is even better!" Luffy had always dreamed of his crew being small, about ten or so, few enough so they could all fit on one ship and know each other, and strong enough to take on anyone that came after them. But he'd learned the hard way that there's only so far being super strong could go before numbers won. If he really wanted to not lose this time around, he needed to get more nakama. The Whitebeard dude had had a LOT of nakama, Luffy remembered. And not just the guys on his ship. He had a bunch of other crews that worked for him. And that Dom Krib guy he'd fought when he met Sanji had had 50 ships before Mihawk kicked his ass. At the time, Luffy had made fun of them for thinking having more people made them stronger. But what if you had lots of people, and each of them was strong? That was pretty freaking cool, actually.

Luffy thought about it. A lot of the pirate crews he'd fought hadn't actually been all that bad. One or two members might have been assholes, and Luffy had already decided they were bad guys, but if he'd played things different they might have been friends. Buggy turned out to be kind of a cool guy in Impel Down. That hypnotist guy had been cool, but he'd been scared by Kuro into hurting Usopp's friend. Gin had been cool, but he'd got hit by the poison. And that was just the guy's he'd met here in East Blue.

Luffy wondered if he could pull off the same thing Whitebeard had done. He didn't get all the details in the rush, but he'd gotten the sense that all those guys didn't just followed the Whitebeard guy because he'd asked nicely. They'd done it because he was just that badass. If Luffy was going to convince other captains to give up becoming the King for him, he'd have to be on a whole other level.

Hmm, the Straw Hat Armada. That had a real nice ring to it. Luffy imagined himself standing on the head of a Sunny ten times bigger than usual, surrounded by other ships, all of them also having the Straw Hat symbol. He grinned wide. That would be so cool!

But it all seemed to come back to Luffy getting stronger. He'd have to get stronger than he'd ever been before he even set out if he was going to pull this off. He already had Haki, so that made things a little easier, but he still had a mountain of training ahead of him, more than he really thought he could do just chasing animals, or even doing Zoro's workout routines. To pull this off, Luffy was going to have to go through Hell. And he knew exactly the person to take him there:

Gramps.

* * *

Without a clear goal in mind, Luffy was a mindless idiot. But when he set his mind to achieving something, you'd have to kill him to stop him from getting it. For the next few months, Dadan and co noticed a distinct change in their ward. While still smiling and stupid, he seemed to become obsessed with testing his limits. He went after the biggest animals in the forest, and often caused riots in the Grey Terminal with the scum that preyed on those with nothing. It wasn't uncommon for Magra to open the door in the evening to take out the trash and find the straw hat-wearing boy passed out on the porch.

Softies that they were, they tried to talk Luffy into taking things down a notch. But he'd just laugh and smile and tell them that he had to get strong enough to beat Ace. In his head, he really meant rescue, but they didn't need to know that. Luffy had decided not to tell anyone about the mystery experiment, except maybe his nakama. They'd ask WAY too many questions, and his head might explode.

Meanwhile, Luffy kept working as hard as he could to get back into the shape he was used to. He had to impress Garp if his plan was going to work. Oh, and speaking of planning, Luffy had noticed that once he kept thinking long enough, it stopped hurting as much. Hmm, maybe his brain was like one of his muscles; the more he used it, the easier it got to do stuff! That was good, because Luffy had a lot of thinking to do. Garp might love him and want him to become strong, but there was no way he'd just hand away Marine secrets of training without Luffy's sworn word that he'd become a Marine. Luffy could just lie, but he didn't like lying to people he liked. Plus, according to Ace, he was really bad at it. So, he had to work out some way to trick Gramps into training him seriously without becoming a Marine.

It was a good thing Garp only visited for Luffy's birthday, because it took months for Luffy to come up with something that might work. Hey, just because thinking didn't hurt anymore didn't mean he was good at it! How did he know he'd gotten a plan that could work? He'd been asking Dadan if they could work. She was a girl, so she was smarter, right? Once she found out the reason he'd been working so hard, she'd roared in laughter. She found the thought of Luffy pulling one over on the dread Garp to be hilarious.

Finally, when dawn bloomed on May 5th, the time came when the front wall of Dadan's place broke as the only other person in the world as boisterous as Luffy walked through it like it was a paper screen. "DADAN! You haven't corrupted my grandson, have you?"

As Luffy as jerked awake by the sound of the wall breaking, he had a millisecond of doubt about turning himself over to the gentle graces of Garp's 'tough love', but he crushed it with the image of that massive fleet. To get strong enough to protect his nakama, and make even more. That was why he was doing this. Garp had turned Coby from a wimp to a decent threat in three months. Imagine what he could do to Luffy with a couple years!

Luffy popped to his feet, Hat as always safe on his head. "Hey, Gramps! Fight me! This time I'm going to beat you and you'll stop trying to make me a Marine!"

"Bwahahahaha! You think you can take me on, you little brat?" Garp flexed his fist, somehow managing to look threatening wearing a flowery vacation shirt. "Well, then let's take this outside! I don't want Dadan nagging me about breaking her house!"

"You still owe me for the wall! Why can't you just use the door like a normal person?" Dadan demanded… from around the corner, Dogra and Magra conveniently placed directly between the Vice-Admiral and the mountain bandit.

Garp quirked his head. "Hmm… not cool enough! Bwahahahaha!

Luffy grinned and ran out after his gramps. Now, to initiate the plan… wow, he sounded a lot like that shitty butler. He had to be careful with this thinking stuff. It could get out of hand.

Garp finally got a safe distance away from the lodge and turned around. "Alright, brat! Let's get this thing started. And hey, since it's your birthday, I'll even let you have the first hit!" So saying, the giant of an old man went into 'at ease' position, his hands behind his back, smirking cheekily at his grandson.

Luffy felt a tic mark pop up on his forehead, but took a deep breath. This was going to be tricky. He had to impress Garp without making him outright suspicious. Obviously, he couldn't use Haki, except maybe a little Observation. The Gears were out. Then again, from what Luffy remembered, around his first 15th birthday he still barely had any idea how to make his Gomu Gomu powers work in a fight. Maybe he was _over_ thinking this. Blegh!

Deciding to just act like he was fighting Smokey that first time, meaning decent but without a prayer of winning, Luffy through back his fist and threw the first of many in this new time.

"Gomu Gomu no Pistol!"

Luffy's fist, backed by months of hard training and rubber recoil, whizzed through the air to make solid contact with Garp's nose. The average man would have been blown into the distance, but Garp didn't budge an inch. His eyes were wide, though. Slowly, he reached up to feel the blood flowing from his broken nose. He looked at Luffy, who only gave the cheeky grin that seemed genetic.

Garp's lips pulled up in a hard smile. "So, my cute little grandson is finally learning to how to throw a punch, huh?" Faster than any man his age had any right to, Garp rushed forward to tower over Luffy, his fist already cocked. "But you still can't beat the Fist of Love!"

Luffy had already learned through bloody scraps with mountain lions that just because he might see something coming, it didn't mean shit if he wasn't fast enough to dodge it. He 'saw' the punch before Garp even moved, but even then Luffy only barely managed to pull himself out of the way of the Armament-enhanced punch. Still, he managed to dodge. Luffy stumbled back, getting his feet back under him, while Garp looked up in surprise from the crater he'd made.

"What the? You've never managed to dodge me before!" Garp shouted, almost as if he were accusing Luffy of breaking a rule.

Luffy just smirked. "I told you I was going to beat you this time!" He knew he had no chance, though. Heck, Aokiji was afraid to fight his gramps. But he was going to make the old man work for it.

After a couple seconds of confusion, Garp threw back his head and laughed. "Bwahahahaha! So, this is going to finally be a real fight! I'm so proud of you for getting stronger! But you're still going to lose, you little brat!"

Luffy just grinned back. Then Garp moved again and Luffy was on the ropes.

Despite saying this was a real fight, it was pretty obvious Garp was still holding back. Not that it mattered, since Luffy was still barely keeping up. Between his recent brawls with the animals of both Mt. Colubo and Grey Terminal and future experience, he was already pretty much at the level he was when he first set out. Not that that was saying much, compared to a man who was offered the position of Admiral several times, but Luffy was confident he could leave at least one mark on his gramps besides the free shot.

Luffy used his basic moves like Balloon, Whip, Axe, and Pistol. Garp let them hit him, and they still barely made a dent. Meanwhile, Garp was doing some creative landscaping, with every punch breaking the ground or trees unfortunate enough to be in the way. With Observation and a bit of luck, Luffy managed to dodge most of them, but still got hit by the odd punch, each one reminding him of just how freaking strong his grandpa was.

Finally, when the sun had fully risen over the horizon, Luffy rushed in with a suicide move. He pulled back both arms and poured all the strength in his lanky body into one last attack. "Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!" he shouted, slamming both of his palms into Garp's chest with explosive force. The old man grunted, but didn't react otherwise. He used Luffy's convenient closeness to finally connect with his Fist of Love, sending Luffy crashing to the dirt.

"Owie!" Luffy shouted, clutching the goose egg on his head. He'd forgotten just how much those hurt!

Garp chuckled, before coughing. He raised a brow when he saw flecks of blood on the hand he'd covered his mouth with. Most would panic at the sign of internal bleeding, but Garp started to beam with pride as he sat down.

"Not bad, kid! I actually felt that last one! When'd my grandson get so tough?"

Luffy huffed and picked himself up. This was it. Time to try and outsmart his grandpa. This wouldn't be easy.

"Well, I've been working really hard to get strong. I'm gonna have to be if I'm gonna be the Pirate King!"

Garp frowned. "Curse that Red-Hair! Listen to me, you brat! You're going to become a proud Marine, not some grubby pirate!"

Luffy pouted. He'd been working on it with Dadan. She said he was cute as a puppy dog now, instead of just pitiful, whatever that meant. "But Gramps! Pirates are cool!"

"So are Marines! Are you telling me you really think that dumb Red-Hair is cooler than your loving grandpa?" Garp puffed his chest, as if trying to make himself look even 'cooler'.

'Yes,' was Luffy's honest answer. But this wasn't the time for honesty. This was the time for sneaky manipulation. Luffy scrunched his brows like he was thinking really hard (he didn't have to actually do that anymore!), before he tried to look like he'd just realized something amazing. He imagined Sanji actually giving him food before the girls and hoped it worked. "You know what? Gramps is actually pretty cool!"

"What?" Garp asked, looking like he hadn't actually expected Luffy to agree with him.

"Yeah! All Shanks did was take down that stupid Higuma guy. Gramps takes down huge, big-name guys! Gramps is really, really strong!" Hoping to his feet, Luffy assumed his 'challenge' pose. "I've decided! I'm going to get as strong as you one day, Gramps!"

Crickets could be heard. Then Garp broke out into hysterics. Tears streaming, laughing so loud it hurt, the works. "Bwahahahaha! A brat like you get as strong as me? Not in a million years! Don't make jokes like that, Luffy! Bwahahahaha!"

Luffy didn't have to fake the blush that lit up his cheeks. Gramps didn't have to laugh _that_ hard. "Shut up, Gramps!"

Garp wiped his eyes with a hanky. "Sorry, Luffy. But you'll never get as strong as your grandpa all on your own!"

Luffy fought the urge to smirk. This was going exactly as he planned. Dadan really did know his gramps pretty well, to guess what he would say. He hit his palm with his fist, like he'd just had an idea. "I got it. How about you teach me how to be strong as you?"

Garp paused, quirking his head like the dogs he loved. "Eh?"

Luffy got in Garp's face, trying to look as cute and 'say-yes-to-able' as he could. "Gramps, help me get as strong as you! I want to be as cool as you! If I were as cool as you, I'd be even cooler than Shanks! I might not even have to become Pirate King to be totally awesome!" He ignored the little twinge inside when he said those words. He wasn't really lying. He was awesome, even before he got sent back. But he would never stop wanting to be Pirate King. But what was the harm in letting his gramps think he could?

Garp looked like he couldn't be happier. "That's great, Luffy! You finally got your head on straight! But I can't just give you the secrets of being strong like me! You have to become a Marine and learn them the same way I did!"

Luffy frowned. "No, no, no! I don't want to learn from some stranger! I want to learn from _you_ , Gramps! You're the awesome one, and you're the only one that doesn't look at me like I'm an idiot!"

An uneasy expression crossed Garp's face. Luffy could almost see the steam building in his gramps's head as one of his deepest wishes clashed with his duty. "I can't do that, Luffy. I can't train you to be like me unless you're already in the Marines."

According to Dadan, this is when he should start the begging. Gramps was a sucker for begging, she said. "But I don't want to leave the island yet! I promised Ace I wouldn't leave until I was 17! Couldn't you just train me here?" Luffy comforted that twinge again by reminding himself he never actually promised to become a Marine. He wasn't lying.

He jumped up to hug gramps around the neck, and tried to imagine he was Chopper. No one could say no to Chopper. "Please, please, please, grandpa? Could you please just teach me here? I promise I'll never, never, ever for forever ask for anything else! I just want to get as cool as you, but I can't leave yet! I promised my brothers! Both of them! Please?"

Luffy felt yet another twinge from bringing up Sabo, and it was even bigger since he now knew that he'd never died. It was a dirty trick. But now his eyes were wet and that should help.

Garp looked like someone was shoving a red-hot poker up his butt. He looked into the teary eyes of his grandson for what felt like forever. Luffy held his breath. Would it work? If not, then he couldn't get strong enough, and everything would be ruined. He'd lose his nakama like last time, because he wouldn't be strong enough to change things!

"Ah, screw it!" Garp finally shouted. Shifting Luffy to sit in his lap like he was five instead of 15, Garp reached around in his pockets before he pulled out a Baby Den Den Mushi. He fiddled with the dials with his thumb before the snail woke up and started to go 'purupurupuru'. After a few seconds, it made the click sound and the snail's face became bored. Gramps called out "Mushi Mushi!"

"What is it, Garp-san?" came the voice of the creepy hat guy Luffy remembered from Water 7.

"Patch me through to HQ! I need to talk to Sengoku!"

"Right away," came the monotone reply.

The snail started making the connecting sound again, this time much longer. After a couple minutes, it shifted expressions to look pissed off. "What is it, Garp?" Luffy tried not to shiver. It was crackly, but it was the same voice as the man who had ordered Ace's death.

Garp didn't seem to notice his grandson tense. "Hey, Sengoku! I'm gonna need to extend my leave a little."

A long-suffering sigh came from the snail. "How much time do you need?"

Garp did a little counting on his fingers. "Um, about two years."

"WHAT?!" exploded the snail. "No way in hell, Garp! If you want so much time off, then just retire already! But don't try to waste the Marines' time. We need you."

"But you don't understand!" Garp whined, sounding a tenth his age. "My grandson finally realized he want to be like his gramps. I need the time off to train him to be as awesome as me!"

"Then just enlist him and take him as one of your apprentices," the Fleet Admiral ordered dismissively.

"Can't do that, Sengoku. He made a promise not to leave the island till he's 17. I can't ask him to break a promise! So I need the time off so I can train him here!" Garp replied. Luffy, seeing the snail take another breath for what was surely another 'no', decided to chip in. He tried to sound as young as possible. Young meant cute, cute meant getting a 'yes'.

"Please, Mr. Boss Seagull guy? I promised my family that I wouldn't leave until I was 17. But I want Gramps to make me as cool and strong as he is so I can be super awesome! Can you please just let him stay here? It's my birthday!" he added on, figuring it couldn't hurt.

A look of horror overcame the snail. "My God, there's two of them," it whispered. Then it seemed to shake itself and regained the angry expression. "Out of the question!"

"Please?" Garp and Luffy both asked, smiling wide as if Sengoku could see them.

There was a pregnant pause. Finally, the snail sighed. "Might as well give in now before you spend an hour begging until my ears bleed." The eyes snapped to Garp's. "I'll give you 18 months, Garp. Then I expect your ass back here doing paperwork and drills without a peep until I stop being mad at you!"

"Deal!" Garp shouted.

"And I'm cutting off your senbei and donut deliveries until you get back," the snail tacked on, looking smug.

Garp froze. He looked like he might cry. Then he looked down into Luffy's smiling face and sighed. "Deal," he muttered grumpily. Then he put the snail away.

"A-ten-hut!" Garp suddenly shouted. Luffy jumped, and suddenly found himself standing at attention. What the heck? Garp then stood up, towering over Luffy, so his face was hidden by the sun. "Now, soldier, we've only got a year and a half to try and whip you into being as awesome as me. We won't succeed, but by God we're going to get as close as we can! This is going to be the most grueling affair of your life! You WILL bleed, you WILL cry, but you are not allowed to EVER give up! If you don't think you can do that, then step out now and stop wasting my time! Are you prepared?!"

Luffy stared. He'd never seen this side of his gramps. For the briefest moment, he hesitated. Then the image of his crew, his nakama, lying defeated in that strange room came to him. Something inside of him hardened. Never again. He held his head high, looked his gramps in the eye and shouted "Sir, yes, sir!"

Gramps smiled, and it wouldn't have looked out of place on a devil. "Good. Now, we're going to go inside and bum breakfast off of Dadan. And then… we begin!"

* * *

Luffy would forever remember his time as Garp's student as the most painful, exhausting, demoralizing period of either life. If he'd thought Rayleigh had been tough on him, then the Monkey patriarch made the Dark King look like a pregnant, declawed cat on an August afternoon. Just thinking about the endless days and nights obeying his slave driver of a grandfather was enough to make him lose his appetite.

And he wouldn't have given up a second of it.

The first six months were simple enough. From 4:30 a.m. to midnight, every day, Luffy was hammered on the anvil of Garp. Conditioning that would make Zoro beg for mercy went on for as long as there was light in the sky. Endless push-ups, pull-ups, laps, all of them with time limits under threat of a Fist of Love. And Luffy had learned that Garp had been holding back on those. After all, he'd never used Hardening.

When the sun finally set, the training switched from his body to his mind. Garp had textbooks delivered, forcing Luffy to trek through huge numbers and expecting rote memorization. When Luffy had loudly protested at first, he'd gotten the screaming match of his life. "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN MATH OR HISTORY OR SOME CHEMISTRY WILL MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH OUT THERE IN THE FIELD! 90% OF THIS GAME IS HALF MENTAL! YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE MUCH BRAINS, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO STUFF THEM AS FULL OF THIS STUFF AS YOU CAN!"

Even Luffy could see the irony in Garp upholding mental faculties, but he settled down.

Meals were supplied by the Dadan family, who were experiencing a collective, perpetual heart attack from having a Vice-Admiral bunking with them. Dadan had almost pulled her hair out when she realized she couldn't engage in even the tiniest heist, not with Garp around as a witness. In desperate need of funds to keep supplementing the Monkey family's appetite with market food on top of what her bandits were constantly bringing in from the forest, she'd resorted to legitimacy. Surprisingly, Dadan Tea Shoppe became the most profitable business on the entire island. Even Nobles from the city made orders for her special lemonade-iced tea mixture. And if she maybe packed a few powdered coca leaves into each batch to make it more habit-forming, well, no one had called her out on it yet.

The routine had changed once Garp deemed Luffy in 'workable' shape. Then it had been endless sparring, experimenting, and exercises. Garp didn't just make him fight, he tried to make him think, having him fight with ridiculous handicaps that forced him to come up with new strategies than just 'beat to a pulp'. Night became time for strategy games, Garp displaying a surprising level of skill in chess, checkers, and tic-tac-toe. Losing a game meant a Fist of Love, winning meant a piece of meat. It was remarkable how fast Luffy got good with that particular system.

Garp even started teaching Luffy the Rokushiki, which Luffy was overjoyed to learn. He could just imagine the looks on those CP9 bastards' faces when he beat them with their own moves. He'd have to be sure to have a Vision Dial when it happened. It would be priceless!

About eight months in, Luffy accidentally used Armament to block a haymaker from Garp. His heart had stopped, waiting for an explosion of questions and suspicion. Instead, he'd gotten a tearful hug from Garp, spouting how proud he was that his knucklehead grandson had found Haki on his own. Luffy had relaxed, thanking the Gods of Meat for the lucky break. Then the training had only intensified, as Garp had added courses on how to use Haki, all three once Luffy 'discovered' them within a couple weeks.

Rayleigh had gotten him a firm grasp of the basics of the three, but Garp would accept nothing less than absolute mastery. Luffy wasn't surprised to discover his gramps also had Conqueror's Haki, but he _was_ surprised to learn how many different ways there were to apply it besides knocking people out. He could make people uncomfortable by exuding a 'presence', terrify them into following orders without question, and how to target specific groups in a crowd. And Hardening was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to Armament. And there were some pretty freaky things to do with Observation if you were good enough.

At last, the day came when Garp had to leave lest Sengoku demote him down to cabin boy. Luffy smiled and tried to suppress his gag reflex as Garp demanded he put on a Marine uniform as a going-away present. He stood at attention, counting the seconds until Garp stopped admiring the sight of his grandson in white and boarded the ship. The old man was actually crying, blowing his nose through the opening of his dog mask. "I'm so damn proud of you, Luffy. You've grown into a real man!"

Luffy smiled, appreciating the compliment. At 16 and a half, he was more ripped than he'd been at 19 in his past life. While still thin all over, the lines of his chest and abs looked sharp enough to break skin, and his arms and legs were so densely packed that anyone that touched would think they were touching warm stone instead of flesh. But the most dramatic change was between Luffy's ears. While still cheerful and straightforward to the extreme, Luffy was now an impressive tactician, able to analyze any combat situation to find the best solution. He wasn't a genius by a long shot, but enough lessons had been literally pounded into his skull that he wasn't immediately identified as an idiot.

Garp regained his composure. "So, what're you going to do in six months?" The tone suggested there was only one right answer.

Luffy rolled his eyes. "I'm going to head out for Shell Island and look into the Marine Base there. I promised didn't I, sir Gramps?"

"One or the other, don't call me both! It sounds weird," Garp protested. But he was grinning like a loon. "You look mighty fine in that uniform, my boy. Here's hoping I'll see you in it again soon."

"Goodbye, Gramps," Luffy said, hiding the twinge in his gut. He honestly felt bad about this. His grandpa had invested so much in him, hoping to make him a splendid Marine. And Luffy didn't exactly hate the Marines; Coby and Gramps and Smokey and even Aokiji were pretty cool. But they didn't balance out all the jerks, not to mention how they just ignored the Government's evil. Besides, Luffy wasn't one to take orders.

Giving one last salute, which somehow felt more like a lie when it was in view of actual Marines, Luffy watched his gramps board the ship and sail away. He stood at attention until the boat became a speck on the horizon. Then Luffy all but tore his way out of the stuffy Marine uniform. Throwing the cap away, Luffy took Hat from his back and put it back on his head where it belonged. He'd gotten Dadan to add a string to it so it could hang from his neck.

Ignoring the stares from Foosha villagers for standing in the open in his boxers, Luffy did a quick Soru. Ten seconds later, he appeared in front of Makino's bar wearing the outfit he'd had for the New World. He walked through the swing doors, smiling as the realization that the training really was over. "Hey, Makino, can I have a drink? I want to celebrate that Gramps finally left!"

Makino smiled, looking up from polishing a mug. Woop Slap, the cranky old mayor, turned on his stool to regard Luffy with disdain. "A minor shouldn't be drinking alcohol. Especially one as destructive as you."

"For the last time, Mayor, Gramps was the one that threw me into your house! And I helped you rebuild it, if you don't remember! When are you gonna let that go?" Luffy whined.

Makino chuckled. "Well, you've been working very hard for the past couple years, Luffy-kun. I think this one time you can celebrate like a grown-up. What'll you have?"

"Rum! The whole bottle," Luffy stated as he sat down. Some of the patrons near the back surged to their feet and left when they heard that, looking like they were going to call their insurance adjustors.

"So, Luffy, what are you going to do until your birthday? Are you going to keep training even without Garp-san?" Makino asked.

Luffy finished a healthy swallow of the liquid gold, and smiled. "Yeah, but nowhere near as hard. I feel like Gramps crammed an entire century into his time off. I feel like I could take on Whitebeard!"

"You'll do no such thing!" Woop Slap shouted. "It's far too dangerous! Just because you're young and think you're invincible, doesn't mean you're ready to take on the strongest man in the world! You may never be!"

"Well, I'll never know unless I try, will I?" Luffy snapped back. The Mayor came from a good place, but he was just way too stuffy for Luffy's tastes.

Makino rolled her eyes. Men. "So, Luffy, you looking forward to leaving the island?"

Luffy smiled sadly as images of each of his nakama passed before his eyes. He'd never stopped thinking about them. They were the reason he was able to survive getting broken by Garp over and over again. "You have no idea. But now's not the right time. Not till I'm 17."

Makino and Woop Slap exchanged a glance, wondering at the odd weight in Luffy's statement.

Suddenly laughing, Luffy picked up his now half-empty bottle and stood. "Thanks for the drink, Makino. I'll pay you back once I get One Piece. Have a nice day!"

The next day, after recovering from his first hangover of this life, Luffy got to work. He started working on the Gears, something he'd kept from Garp at all costs. He had to have _some_ secrets. Chopper had warned him that they were extremely damaging since they pushed his body to unnatural limits. Now was the time to see if he could find safer ways to use them, and maybe even find a new one.

But like he'd told Makino, training wasn't Luffy's focus for the next six months. He filled the tree house, maintained even during the boot camp from hell, with maps, sheets of paper, and crude drawings as he puzzled out the best way to change the future. One of the biggest lessons

Garp had pounded was how important the little details were in battle. A single grain of rice could tip the scale. Since Luffy wasn't sure he could do everything the same exact way even if he wanted to, and since he was determined never to lose his nakama again, he couldn't just fly by the seat of his pants and hope things worked out. He had to plan things out now.

So that's what he did. In between training with the Gears and making visits to Foosha and Dadan, Luffy wrote down every single thing he remembered from his 'first' life and worked out what would happen if he'd done things different. He considered how fast he'd get the Government's attention if he showed how strong he was. He contemplated every single strong/cool person he'd ever met and how he could talk them into joining his armada, and how to ease his nakama into that idea.

The old hope that maybe they'd come back too still hung in the background, but Luffy didn't waste too much time pining for it. It would be a blessing just to see his nakama again. Asking for the ones he remembered was just being greedy.

Luffy could appreciate now the logistical nightmare if he actually succeeded in talking everyone he wanted into joining, but he didn't care. The more the merrier, he thought. There was no joy in the world that compared to having nakama, as far as he was concerned, and now that he wasn't dead set on just having one ship, he found himself eager to have as many as possible. It would be like a big, happy family. Hmm, maybe that's why Whitebeard did it too.

In a blink, it was time. He was stopping by Dadan's to say goodbye. He smiled as she refused to face him, just like that time. The rest of the bandits looked sad, even as they worked on grinding tea leaves. They had never really gone back to thieving after Garp left, the Tea Shoppe being so successful it demanded their full attention. They would always be bandits in their hearts, though.

"Well, good-bye! Thanks for not killing me or anything," Luffy said.

"Hmph. You were nothing but trouble. I don't know why we bothered," Dadan answered, still resolutely showing him his back.

"Ignore her. Good luck, Luffy," Dogra offered, with Magra nodding.

Luffy turned around and took a few steps before pausing. He just couldn't resist. He turned around again. "I still hate mountain bandits!" Then he smiled wide. "But I like you guys!"

"Wah~! Just get out of here, you stupid brat!" Dadan shouted, now crying waterfalls that she hopelessly tried to stem with a hanky. Laughing like a madman, Luffy reached out a limb and used a simple Rocket to take off towards Foosha. He corrected his course with a little Geppo, landing at the docks in front of his raft. Makino and a few others had gathered to see him off.

"Good luck, Luffy!" Makino said, giving him a quick hug.

"You better become a Marine, you hear? If you become a pirate, you'll shame the entire town!" Woop Slap supplied.

"Hmm… nope! Still gonna be the Pirate King!" Luffy replied.

With little ado, Luffy cast off. He turned back to wave at the crowd and take one last look at the island. A niggle at the back of his mind bothered him. Wasn't he forgetting something?

With a roar, the local Sea King rose from the sea, jaws open to swallow Luffy and his boat whole. The crowd on shore cried out, but Luffy just turned his head just enough to look the beast in the eye. The overgrown eel froze as eyes even colder than those that red human had turned on it ten years ago pierced its soul.

"Get lost," Luffy growled.

Just like that, it turned around and swam like its life depended on it.

Luffy grinned and turned back to the shocked onlookers. "Look for me in the papers! I'm going to be big in no time, you'll see!"

When the town finally faded from view, Luffy turned around and put what little he knew of navigation to use. "Now, where's that whirlpool?"


	2. Chapter 2

Luffy was lost. Simple as that. He hadn't had basic navigation surgically implanted into his skull the first time around, so the only thing he had to go on to find Coby was a cruise ship near Shell Island. And he couldn't try and use Observation because he hadn't met Coby after the two years, so he didn't know what his 'voice' sounded like.

"All that planning, and I can't even get to the starting line! Stupid, Luffy, stupid!" He shouted at himself.

Wait a minute… Nami had been on that ship. She'd stolen from Alvida and had escaped as the same time as them. They'd had that cool, dramatic glimpse of each other. And he knew Nami's voice as well as his own.

Solution found, Luffy got down into the lotus position. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and started to _listen_.

Observation was the power to hear the spirit or 'voice' of everything, though it took more skill to hear a voice the smaller it was. It was pretty useful in a fight, since it gave forewarning of attacks as soon as your opponent planned them. But it could be used for so much more than that. A person's voice told a lot about them, if you listened closely enough. And you could track people with them. Of course, it only worked if they were in range. But range was just a question of practice.

Luffy opened his mind and let the voices of the world come to him. He could hear the memory of trees in the wood of his boat, the simple desires of the fish in the sea, the nearly silent song of the tide. Far behind him, Dawn Island blared noise like a rock concert. If Luffy concentrated, he could have discerned individual voices from the chaos. But he wasn't concerned with where he'd left.

A ways to his right, almost at the edge of his hearing, there was another island. The voices were faint, but one word kept popping up over and over again: Morgan. So that was Shell Island. Luffy frowned as he heard the weary despair of the villagers. They'd given up, if they'd ever fought in the first place. Someone had to give them hope, and Luffy was happy to do the job. But first, he needed to find a young boy that dreamed to be a Marine. Knowing where the island was, Luffy limited his focus to that area. Now that he was listening to less, he could hear more detail. He searched for any other clusters of voices. Finally, he noticed two little clumps, ships. One sounded very violent, the other lazy. And among that idle chat, he found a voice that was wild and fierce as the ocean, at once loud and soft, challenging and acquiescing.

Nami.

Luffy opened his eyes, grinning like a madman. Finally, after years, he'd get to see his nakama again. His plan was to commandeer her boat to escort Coby and himself to Shell Island, and then work his magic. He already knew her like she was his sister, so it should be easy to tear apart any of her arguments against joining him. Then he'd have a navigator when he and Zoro left Shell Island and they wouldn't have to starve just floating around; they could go straight for Buggy!

But first, he had a wimp to inspire.

Now that he had a clear direction, he had no need for the dinky raft. Luffy lined himself up and executed a perfect Rocket in the direction of the two ships. Once he'd reached the apex of his flight, he started using Geppo to keep himself in the air and out of the perilous clutches of the ocean. As the minutes passed, Luffy idly wondered how his old self would have reacted to seeing someone literally running through the air. He'd probably have stars in his eyes and be begging for a ride. Luffy chuckled. He'd really been just a kid when he'd set out. Not that he wouldn't still slobber over Gaon Cannon, but his standards had been raised pretty high after everything he'd seen.

His legs were starting to get a bit tired when the ships finally came into view an hour later. He started to hop in place, making use of his bird's-eye view. Alvida's very girly ship was hiding behind an outcropping, waiting for the cruise ship to get into position for the ambush. Luffy considered what to do. He needed to have a few quiet moments to chat with Coby and make him realize his dream, so he couldn't exactly draw attention by just falling down from the sky. The lookout on the cruise ship wasn't really a problem, but Alvida's was definitely on the job.

Hmm, time to see if all that fine control training had been worth the headaches.

Luffy opened his ears and found the voice of Alvida's lookout. Focusing on him alone, Luffy reached into the well of his willpower inside his head, brought some to the surface, and forced it out into the world. It wanted to expand out in all directions, but Luffy maintained focus and kept it aimed at and only at the lookout. Below him, the man slumped over in the crow's nest as his will came into contest with Luffy's and lost instantly. Luffy grinned. He was so much more awesome this time around!

The only set of eyes to worry about taken care of, Luffy used Geppo to swiftly get down to the cruise ship. He landed in a spot where none of the three mediocre sailors on deck could spot him, and then used Soru to get down to the galley so fast that no one saw him. The chefs were all in the ballroom for the special lunch party, so the place was deserted. Luffy casually devoured all the leftover scraps from preparing the food, found a comfy bit of floor, and waited for the fireworks to start.

Luffy kept an ear open, noting that some yuppie had talked Nami into a dance. He rolled his eyes. She'd probably picked his wallet, removed all the cash, and put it back in the first ten seconds. She really was a greedy little kleptomaniac. And Luffy took a moment to curse Garp for being such a slave driver on the brain stuff that he now knew the word kleptomaniac. Now that she was so close, Luffy found it hard to resist the urge to just go up and see her. It had been so long, and she was family to him. But he had to be here to meet Coby.

Well, maybe he could cheat a little. Luffy blocked out every voice but hers and made what it said the sole focus of his attention. His head had almost exploded when Garp had revealed that a true master of Observation could hear a person's thoughts. Not read minds; just hear what was going through their head at that moment. It required an incredible amount of effort to discern actual words instead of just impressions or intentions like he usually did, but Luffy was already biting off more than he could chew so he'd let Garp add it to the list. He had been less than amused when the first time he'd managed it, it had been to hear Garp thinking _Marines rule pirates drool_ in a continuous loop.

Luffy pushed just a bit further and suddenly the constant flash of moods and 'noise' resolved itself into actual words. _Great cheap AND handsy can't wait for the attack to start so I can dump this guy come on Alvida start the show God it's going to be weird to see him again Are you on the ship already Luffy_ —

Luffy's eyes popped open, his focus broken by shock. Did she just—

The sudden rumble of cannonballs impacting the water shook the ship. Luffy shook his head and focused on the moment. He could look into that later. Now he had to be ready for Coby.

After a few more cannonballs, Alvida's ship pulled up. Luffy listened to the roar of the pirates charging and rolled his eyes. These guys were even weaker than Dadan's gang. Then again, his standards on strength were a bit skewed. Luffy patiently waited, and smiled as the door opened and a meek voice asked "Hello?"

"Hi there," Luffy answered.

There was a squeak, and then the door opened to reveal Coby. He looked just as Luffy remembered: pink hair, glasses, hunched shoulders like he was expecting to get hit at any moment. Luffy smiled wide. He might be a wimp now, but Coby was always going to be the first friend he made after he left home.

"E-e-excuse me," Coby stuttered. "I didn't realize anyone was in here. Are you a passenger?"

Luffy smirked. "Actually, I'm a stowaway."

"Ah," Coby said, still sounding so timid it was like he was apologizing for existing.

"Is the ship being invaded?" Luffy asked, hoping to lure Coby out of his shell.

"Y-yes. The Alvida Pirates are raiding this ship. You should probably hide. If any of them see you, they'll rob you blind."

Luffy shrugged. "Ain't got anything on me to steal. Travel light, that's me." He stood up. "So how come you aren't hiding, whatever-your-name-is? Gonna fight off any of the pirates that see you?"

"God no!" he shouted. "Um, my name's Coby. And I'm kinda the Alvida Pirates' cabin boy."

Luffy tilted his head like he'd seen Garp do. This acting thing hadn't gotten any less annoying, even if he'd gotten a lot of practice. "Funny, you seem too spineless to be a good pirate." Garp's schooling hadn't done anything to make him less blunt. If anything, it had made him even worse.

Coby flinched, but gave a kind of nauseous smile. "I-it's actually a bit of a funny story," he started, but was interrupted by three pirates bursting into the room.

The biggest looked down at Coby in disdain. "So this is where you scurried to, Coby. Just stay out of the way and let us work."

"Hai!" the boy squeaked, squeezing himself into a corner, his eyes locked in horror on Luffy.

One of them drew a blade and started posturing with it at Luffy. "Okay, bub. Turn out your pockets and nobody's going to get hurt."

Luffy had to resist the urge to laugh out loud. His cardigan was open, showing off his statuesque physique. Did they think these muscles were for show? Then again, the other guy had a sword, which maybe in his head automatically won any fist fight. If he only knew. "It's rude to point things at people," Luffy said dryly.

The guy raised an eyebrow. "You playing with me, kid?"

Luffy smirked. "You can walk away or get thrown far, FAR away. Your choice."

The guy snarled and raised his arm to slash Luffy in the chest. He might as well have been moving in slow motion. Luffy threw a simple jab, about half as hard as he could go. The guy was sent flying into the wall, where he kept right on going, leaving behind a hole shaped like his outline. If you looked through it, you'd see another hole in the wall in the other room, looking out on the open ocean.

Coby and the other two touched the floor with their jaws. Their eyes seemed ready to pop out of their skulls as they watched Luffy blow on his knuckles. He smiled cheerfully, as if he wasn't dangerous at all. "So, how about you two? Will it be the door or the wall?"

Moving so fast they blurred, the other two pirates slammed the door behind them as they left. Coby managed to pick up his jaw, and asked "W-w-w-w-who a-a-are you?"

Luffy grinned. "Monkey D. Luffy, future Pirate King." That out of the way, Luffy walked over to the pantry and opened it. "How about we hide in here? They're probably going to bring the walking whale back with them" In a daze, Coby followed Luffy into the dimly-lit storage area. Luffy closed the door, kept half an eye on the ceiling, and idly started crunching through the open crate of apples.

"U-u-um, Luffy-san?" Coby asked after a minute. "When you say you're the future Pirate King… did you mean the _real_ Pirate King?"

"As opposed to the chocolate Pirate King?" Luffy asked, trying not to laugh and hurt Coby's self-esteem. He'd been a bit harsh on the kid the first time around. "The Pirate King is the Pirate King, Coby. I'm gonna find One Piece, conquer the Grand Line, raise hell for the World Government and Marines, the whole deal."

"Y-y-you can't be serious! The Pirate King is the man that has claimed everything this world has to offer! Fame, wealth, and power united in one man! There's no way anyone can do it again! Countless pirates have fought each other for twenty years since Roger's death, and no one's even come close. It's impossible! Impossible, impossible, impossible!"

"Shut up." Luffy said it gently, but he imbued a tiny bit of Conqueror's into it. Coby stopped talking like his tongue had suddenly been glued to the top of his mouth. "I don't care if it's impossible. I'll _make_ it possible. I promised the man who gave me this hat that I'd become the Pirate King. And if I die trying, then I die. I won't mind."

Coby seemed deeply struck by his words. Luffy reached for another apple, but the crate was empty. Ah well, best not to fight on a full stomach. Alvida was right on top of them. Luffy stayed calm, giving Coby time to grow his spine. "The only reason I'm Alvida's cabin boy is because I got on the wrong boat and was too scared to run away. I've always been so scared, scared of getting hurt, scared of dying." Coby looked up, a flicker of a spark in his eye. "Hey, do you think I can be a Marine?"

Luffy shrugged, still grinning. "Doesn't matter what I think. It's your life. Only your opinion matters."

Coby seemed to take that as a yes. "I've always dreamed of being a great Marine, catching bad guys!" The boy leapt to his feet. "I've decided! I'm going to join the Marines and catch bad guys like Alvida! No, I'll catch Alvida myself! I'll—"

Coby's words were cut off by the ceiling collapsing. Amid a shower of wood, Alvida landed and immediately filled the room. Luffy took a moment to marvel at just how _fat_ the woman was, mentally comparing her to the version of her in Loguetown. Devil Fruits could do some really amazing stuff. If he could bottle that, he could pay off Zoro's debt to Nami within a week.

Alvida cast a single glance at Luffy, assessing him quickly. "You're not that pirate hunter Zoro." Since that apparently meant he couldn't be a threat at all, she ignored him to focus on Coby. Luffy rolled his eyes. Wasn't he even a little intimidating? Alvida hefted her club threateningly. "You're going to catch who Coby?" she asked. Coby's newborn courage apparently took a nap, because he was right back to the cowering wimp he'd been a couple minutes ago.

Alvida grinned in an ugly way, and it was more to do with the cruelty in her eyes than her half-dozen chins. "I'll let it go this one time, if you answer this correctly: Who's the most beautiful woman on all the seas?"

While Coby was stuttering through his standard response, Luffy spoke up. "Boa Hancock. Everyone knows that."

You could hear a pin drop. Coby gaped at Luffy in horror, while Alvida's crew, peaking through the hole, were suppressing nosebleeds as the thought of the infamous Pirate Empress ran through their dirty little minds. Alvida herself seemed to be in shock. Luffy shrugged. He'd only spoken the truth. Hancock was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met. He was still never going to marry her, but there was nothing wrong in defending her beauty.

A tic mark appeared on Alvida's rapidly reddening face. Through gritted teeth, she snarled at Luffy "You got that wrong, pest. The right answer was me."

Luffy cocked his head. "I'm not sure you know what beautiful means. It means shiny hair, clear skin, big boobs, long legs, and a nice smile." 'At least that's what Sanji always said,' Luffy noted mentally. "You're shaped like a dango and your face looks like the wrong end of a dog," Luffy concluded.

Coby's jaw might have been permanently dislocated, his jaw was so low. Didn't Luffy see that massive club?! Wasn't he the least bit afraid of the woman that had killed dozens for not acknowledging her beauty? Coby watched in dread as Alvida's eyes went bloodshot and her mouth twisted into a murderous snarl. He could almost hear her self-control snap. "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BRAT!" she screamed as she raised her club. Coby shut his eyes, not wanting to see his new friend get pasted.

There was a sudden rushing sensation and suddenly Coby felt like he was going to puke his tonsils out. He opened his eyes, and was shocked to find he'd somehow wound up on deck. Luffy patted his head as Alvida's crew jumped away like he was radioactive. "The nausea will pass. Just sit here and let me take care of these guys, okay Coby?" Coby nodded dazedly, still too focused on keeping his breakfast inside to really understand anything.

Luffy straightened and surveyed Alvida's crew. He could just use Conqueror's, but where was the fun in that? He held out his hands. "Well, aren't you going to get me? I just pissed off your captain, after all." Many of the ruffians looked at him like he was a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket (damn, now he was hungry again), but after a moment of hesitation they drew their swords and charged.

Luffy decided to try to make this at least a little challenging. So he reached up and tilted Hat so that he couldn't see anything. His Observation worked fine, though. Just as the first blade was about to hit him, one of Garp's many maxims ran through his head. 'There's no art to getting hit.' Luffy smirked and whispered "Kami-e."

Where the first piece of cannon fodder brought down his blade, there was suddenly nothing but air. Before he could puzzle that out, he was suddenly knocked headfirst into the deck by Luffy's elbow. The smirking boy proceeded to float like a piece of paper through Alvida's charging hoard. Every attack seemed to just miss, Luffy moving like he was boneless. He wasn't even moving that fast, but no matter how desperately the men attacked, they couldn't seem to get a hit. Meanwhile, random movements of Luffy's body seemed enough to be enough to take each man out of commission. A knee here, a backslap there, all made without any of the leverage common sense dictated was necessary to send the victims flying, but they did.

Two minutes later, Luffy was standing on deck over the unconscious Alvida Pirate crew. Coby, who'd managed to make the world stop spinning, couldn't believe his eyes. Those men, some of the roughest and deadliest he'd ever met, had been taken down like they were kids playing a game. Alvida, who'd somehow managed to heave herself out of the hole she'd made, regarded Luffy with cautious disdain.

"I've never seen any man move like that. You're not normal, are you?" she asked.

Luffy grinned and stretched his cheeks. "I ate the Gomu Gomu no Mi! My whole body is rubber!" He'd never get tired of seeing people's faces when they first saw his gift. They made the funniest faces!

Coby's eyes about popped out. Alvida merely nodded. "So, the Devil Fruit really do exist. Who the hell are you?"

Luffy grinned. "I'm Luffy, the man who's going to be Pirate King!"

Alvida grimaced. "So, you're a pirate too. Where's your crew?"

"Don't have one yet. I just started today!"

"Whatever." Her eyes darkened. "You understand I have to kill you. But first," Alvida turned to look at Coby, who froze. "Coby, you never answered my question! Who's the most beautiful woman on all the seas?"

Coby looked into the eyes of the woman who'd made his life hell for two years. Then he looked at Luffy, the man who had taught him more about courage and strength in ten minutes than he'd learned from anyone in his entire life. He took a deep breath, and made his choice. "Not you! You're nothing but a fat, mean, petty, old, BITCH!"

Luffy burst out laughing when he saw Alvida's face. This was priceless! And he was happy that Coby had gotten brave this time too. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

Alvida exploded. She rushed forward, her massive club raised. "YOU LITTLE SHIT!" she screamed as she came to a stop before Coby. The pinkette started cowering as usual, terrified of the upcoming pain, but he'd take it. He'd decided to never take shit from pirates like Alvida ever again. If he died, then at least he'd die proud.

Just as Alvida brought her club down, Luffy appeared between her and Coby like a ghost. He smirked and uttered "Armament: Tekkai." In an instant, his body tensed and became black, like he'd suddenly transformed into obsidian. As Alvida's club made contact with his skin, the force of the impact against the much harder material was reflected back. The club shattered like a frag grenade, peppering Alvida with numerous wounds while Coby was kept safe by Luffy's body, which returned to normal a second after the hit.

The whole thing had happened so fast that as far as Coby knew, one second he was about to be hit and the next Alvida was staggering back, bleeding a fair bit, and Luffy was looking back over his shoulder with a huge grin. Deciding to just roll with it, Coby smiled back. Luffy turned his head to look at Alvida, who seemed to have snapped and gone into hysterics.

"This isn't happening! This CAN'T be happening! Why is this happening?!" she beseeched of the heavens.

Luffy walked forward and captured her eyes. Time to take a gamble. Imbuing his words with Conqueror's so that every word would ring in her soul, Luffy stated calmly "Because bad things happen to bad people. Maybe if you weren't such a bitch, I wouldn't have to hurt you."

Alvida's eyes widened, but Luffy didn't give her a chance to reply. Throwing back his fist so that his arm stretched off into the distance, he brought it back forward and shouted "Gomu Gomu no Pistol!" Even holding back so he wouldn't kill her, Alvida still coughed up blood before her entire sizeable frame was sent flying off into the distance. Luffy admired the twinkling star she made. He always wondered why that happened. Eh, mystery twinkle.

The sound of someone clapping interrupted the post-victory moment of silence. "Very impressive." The voice was rich and female.

Luffy turned around and his heart practically stopped.

It was _his_ Nami. She wore nothing but a bikini for a top, showing off her assets shamelessly and leaving her tattoo clear to see. True, it was still Arlong's mark, but she didn't seem to mind, as if it was no longer a point of shame. Her lush orange hair hung to her lower back, instead of the princess cut she'd had last time. She didn't have the Log Pose on her wrist or her Clima-Tact on her hip, and her boobs weren't quite as big, but otherwise she looked exactly as she had when she'd announced they'd found the next island that fateful day.

She walked forward, not noticing or caring when she stepped on the unconscious pirates. "You're pretty strong!" she said. "I'm Nami, the navigator for the Arlong Pirates. But I hate working for him. You seem like a much cooler guy. How about you let me join your crew? You might have to beat up Arlong to make him let me go, but that shouldn't be too hard for a strong guy like you!"

Luffy was so happy he was almost crying, but he forced himself to hold it in. His mind, much stronger from sheer practice, analyzed the situation. She was acting like he didn't remember, so she clearly hadn't actually seen the fight or she'd realize he had many more tricks than last time. He longed to just hug the heck out of her, but his inner prankster demanded he take advantage of the situation. So he crossed his arms and frowned.

"No."

Nami stumbled, clearly not expecting that response. "What? What do you mean no? You need nakama, don't you? Why wouldn't you take me? I'm the best navigator in East Blue, I'll have you know!"

"Because you did it wrong," Luffy answered.

Nami quirked a brow, something Luffy recognized as a very dangerous gesture. "I did WHAT wrong?" she asked, already looking like she was just going to pound him into saying yes.

Luffy grinned. "Your introduction! You were supposed to say 'I'm a thief. I hate pirates more than anything in the world. I like money and mikan.'"

Nami's eyes widened. Her mouth fell open in a shocked 'o'. "How did you…" A light filled her eyes as the hope Luffy had always denied himself lit up in her. She snapped her arm forward to point at him. "What's Franky's favorite drink?" she demanded.

"Cola, duh," Luffy rolled his eyes. Then he smiled so wide that his cheeks started to hurt. "Hi, Nami!"

"Luffy!" Suddenly, they were hugging each other. They started laughing and jumping like little kids, spinning in circles. At some point, Nami's laughs turned into sobs as she buried her face in his neck. "I can't believe it! I thought… I thought I was going crazy! I couldn't believe it happened! I didn't know if I was just me! I thought you were still there, getting tortured by that Vegapunk bastard or Akainu or something!"

Luffy just smiled and held her tight. "I know."

She pulled back and hit him on the head. He let her do it. In a weird way, he'd actually missed her punching him. "You baka! This is all your fault! You could have written! I was so worried! And you just HAD to pick the Log with the most erratic pull, didn't you?"

"I thought it would be the coolest island!" He protested. "And how was I supposed to write? I didn't know if you were back either! What was I going to do, write a letter saying 'hey, I remember all the great times we had' and send it to Arlong Park? If you were the old you, you'd probably track me down and hit me for being perverted or something!"

Nami huffed. "That's beside the point! You couldn't take a minute to find me and say hi?"

"You were all over the place hunting treasure! Besides, I was busy training with Gramps."

Nami's eyes widened. "What? You got him to train you? Why?"

"I wasn't going to do the same thing as last time and watch Ace die again, was I? I needed to get super strong super fast if I was going to do things different, and Gramps is the best guy I know for training."

"Well, that makes sense," Nami said to herself, before her eyes popped. "Wait, that makes sense!"

Luffy rolled his eyes. "He didn't just train my body. He made me _think_ too! At least now I'm pretty good at it."

Nami looked at him incredulously. "You mean you were such an idiot just because you didn't want to bother thinking?! All those huge problems were because you were lazy?!"

"Hey, it hurt my head! I thought it wasn't useful." Luffy protested.

Nami hung her head. "God, you're hopeless. Why do I bother hanging around you?"

Luffy smiled again. "Because we're nakama!" His grin got even bigger. "We're all nakama! You realize what this means, right?"

"What?" Nami asked.

"If both of us are back… that means we're ALL back! That mystery experiment worked for everyone in the room!"

Nami's eyes widened. "My God! That means…"

Luffy laughed. "Shishishishi! We're going to be so much more awesome this time!"

"Um, excuse me?"

Luffy and Nami froze. They slowly turned around to see Coby, looking very confused. "What's going on? What was all that stuff you two were talking about?"

Luffy and Nami suddenly wrapped an arm around each other's shoulders and started waving their hands like they were swatting a fly, the same fake smile on both their faces. "Oh, that was nothing!" they both said.

"It's all a big inside joke. We go way back," Luffy added.

Coby frowned. "Then why did you act like you didn't know him?" he asked Nami.

"That was part of the joke!" she said nervously.

"Anyways, Coby, we should leave. We need to get you to an island so you can become a Marine!" Luffy narrowed his eyes. "And besides, the Marines are going to show up right about…"

Suddenly, waves caused by warning shots rocked both ships. In the distance, the famous seagull insignia was proudly blazoned on the sails of two standard patrol ships.

"…now!" Luffy finished. Stretching his arms to grab both Nami and Coby, he shouted "Let's go!" and ran off the edge of the boat. Coby screamed, until they landed in the raft Nami had already lowered. There was a few minutes of disorientation as they found where everything was amid roiling waters, but soon the three were sailing away as the Marines closed in on Alvida's ship.

When they were a safe distance away, all three of them relaxed. Luffy and Nami were both still so happy that they just wanted to pass out laughing, but they had to maintain decorum in front of Coby. Luffy cleared his throat. "So, Coby, who was that Zoro guy Alvida was talking about?"

Coby shivered. "The Pirate Hunter, Roronoa Zoro. He's the most fearsome bounty hunter in East Blue. He's taken down some of the biggest bounties in East Blue without taking so much as a scratch! Then he just spends the money on booze! He's a demon, a monster with a sword. He's terrifying. But I heard he was recently apprehended by the Marines."

Luffy quirked a brow. Seems Zoro hadn't been wasting time, if part of his reputation now was for being untouchable. Then Luffy smiled. "Sounds like a strong guy. I think I'll ask him to join my crew!"

Coby, who'd been taking a drink of water from a flask offered by Nami, spat it all out, drenching her. She seemed less than amused. Coby ignored her to gape at Luffy. "Are you crazy? He's a pirate hunter! Why in the world would he become a pirate?"

"I'm pretty stubborn," Luffy chuckled. "Besides, I'll only ask if he's a good guy."

"He's been imprisoned because he's a bad guy! It's impossible! Impossible, impossible, impossible!" He was cut off mid-rant as Nami assembled her bo staff and bonked him solidly on the head. "Why'd you hit me?" he asked Nami with a look like a hurt puppy dog.

"I felt like it," she responded, holding her staff on her shoulder and giving him a look that begged him to question her. Coby, being quite accustomed to violent women, wisely decided to drop it.

"Besides, if Zoro's held by the Marines, then he's in a Marine base. That means we're both headed in the same direction!" Luffy continued brightly, as if nothing had happened.

Coby sighed. "You have a point. So, I don't suppose either of you know which way Shell Island is? That's where I heard it happened."

"That way," Luffy and Nami said simultaneously, pointing in the same direction. Nami looked more shocked than Coby, who just shrugged and adjusted the tiller of the small boat.

"Luffy, how'd you know that?" Nami asked sub voce.

"I hear it. Gramps had me work on Haki too. My Observation's even better than that weird Earlobe guy's now!" Luffy answered just as quietly.

"Enel? But that guy could hear conversations from across an island!" Nami yelled silently.

"Yeah, but he cheated with his Devil Fruit! I can do that all by myself!" Luffy grinned.

Nami shook her head. "Jeez, you're even stronger than after the two years, and we're starting out in East Blue. I'm not sure the world's ready for you."

"Who cares? Now we get to have even bigger and better adventures!" Luffy answered. "Besides, I have to be freakishly strong in order to make the plan work."

Nami felt a shiver run down her spine. She had a feeling that she wasn't going to like this plan. "What plan is that exactly?"

Luffy cast an eye at the clearly curious Coby, wondering what they were muttering. "I'll tell you and Zoro when we leave," he promised, and then settled for humming happily as he leaned back to watch the clouds. Nami sighed, but settled in for the ride. She coached Coby on the best currents to use, her ability all but preternatural, and they arrived at Shell Island in record time.

"Wow, Nami-san, you're very good at navigation," Coby commented as he tied the boat to the dock of the bustling town.

"When I said I was the best, I meant it kid," she answered, puffing her chest out. This of course made Coby look away to avoid a nosebleed, but he couldn't stop a heavy blush. Luffy giggled. He had really missed Nami's antics. He felt like he could fly without Geppo, he felt so light. His nakama, the ones that had fought and laughed and cried with him, were back too. He wasn't going to be alone! He could sing! So he would!

"The islands in the south~ are warm~! Paina-purupuru~! Their heads get really hot~! And they're all idiots~!" Luffy took a breath. "Second verse! The islands in the north~ are cold~!" Before he could get any farther, Nami bonked his head. "Hey! Nami!"

"Don't ever sing that song again," she said simply, and took off at a brisk pace for the town. The boys followed behind, Luffy grumbling and Coby chuckling nervously.

The town seemed pleasant enough, but everyone seemed nervous. Luffy knew it was a bit wrong of him, but it was just so funny the first time! He bought a pear off a woman and asked Coby loudly "Hey, Coby! Where's that Zoro guy?" In a flash, everyone was cowering against the walls, staring at Luffy as if he'd uttered some taboo.

"Perhaps it's best not to mention Zoro's name, he obviously makes people uncomfortable," Coby stage whispered. Catching up Nami, who hadn't paused in her march for the base, Coby spoke up. "Anyway, Luffy, Zoro's probably being held in the Marine base. I hear this one's run by a Captain Morgan." Much to Coby's surprise, Morgan's name prompted the same response as Zoro's.

Luffy was still laughing when Nami finally came to a stop at the gates of the Marine base. Coby looked uncomfortable. "That was strange. Why would people be afraid to hear Morgan's name?"

"Maybe he's a bad guy," Luffy offered.

"No way! He's a Marine officer! Of course he's a good guy!"

"Don't be so sure," Nami cut in. "Power corrupts, no matter what flag a person sails under. Trust me kid, there are Marines in the world worse than pirates." Coby seemed deeply troubled by the certainty in Nami's words.

"Now, if I were a broken compass swordsman, where would I be?" Luffy asked, using his arms to lift him up to take a look. For all he knew, Zoro had done something different and actually been put inside the base this time.

Coby sighed. "Luffy-san, there's no way he'd be out in the open! He's probably being held in a cell deep underground or—"

"Found him!" Luffy shouted. Giddy as a kid on Christmas morning, Luffy grabbed Nami and Coby and dragged them to the proper stretch of wall. Then he gave them a helpful hand up to the wall before he jumped up to snag his seat.

Coby shook his head to deal with Luffy's insane speed once again, while Nami just huffed and straightened her hair. When Coby's vision returned to normal, he took one look at the courtyard and his heart stopped.

Tied to a post in the middle of the sandy courtyard was the infamous Roronoa Zoro himself. His wore a long green cloak held by a red sash, the top half hanging from his waist and leaving his upper body on full display. Tan, slightly burned skin stretched over the kind of muscles that by rights should only belong to great apes and tigers and sharks, the kind that screamed the power of the predator. His head was down and covered by a bandana, beneath which neck-length green strands poked out. Coby swallowed. "Haramaki, green hair, he's just as described! It's really him! Roronoa Zoro!"

Coby turned to see if his companions were as intimidated as he was. To his shock, they both seemed happy to see him. Luffy was grinning like he'd just been reunited with a long-lost brother, while Nami had a half-grin like a kindergarten teacher who'd just walked into a screaming classroom after summer break. Coby couldn't understand it. They were both pirates in the presence of the PIRATE HUNTER! Why weren't they afraid of him?

He got his answer when Zoro looked up, his grey eyes piercing. "You're late, Luffy."

Luffy laughed. "Sorry, sorry, Zoro!"

"What do you mean he's late?" Nami asked belligerently, like she was scolding a child. Coby's blood froze, but Zoro just huffed.

"So you're here too, witch. I mean he was supposed to come get me after three days, not three weeks. It's been boring as fuck waiting."

"He's not late, you just showed up early!" Nami shouted back, her teeth becoming like a shark.

Then she just sighed. "Then again, I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that you showed up here at all. With your nonsense of direction, you could have wound up in South Blue."

Luffy burst into laughter. "That's so true!" After briefly escaping falling off the wall, the straw hatted boy shouted. "Hey, Zoro! How'd you know it was us? Like 'us' us, instead of just us?"

"You're dressed the same," Zoro deadpanned.

Nami grit her teeth. "That's what gave it away?"

Luffy cocked his head. "Hey, he has a point. Why didn't you notice my clothes were different, Nami?"

"I don't bother remembering what guys wear!" she shouted.

Coby felt like his head was going to explode. "Would someone tell me what the heck is going on?!" he shouted.

Luffy gave an apologetic smile. "Zoro's an old friend too. I was just playing with you by asking earlier."

Coby could feel his eye twitching. How in God's name could the self-proclaimed future Pirate King be friends with a man that had slaughtered every pirate he met? Before Coby could ask another question, a ladder clacked against the wall next to him. He turned around, only to see a young girl holding her finger to her lip in a 'shh'. Then, she unrolled a sheet and rappelled down the other side of the wall. Coby watched in a panic, half-expecting her to get skewered by Zoro's gaze alone.

"Hi, oniisan! I took your advice and made them with salt this time! I hope you like them as much as the last batch!" The little girl, smiling like a cherub, proudly presented two rice balls wrapped in a cloth.

"Thank you very much. These look delicious," Zoro said in a surprisingly gentle tone of voice. Coby watched in shock as Zoro kindly opened his mouth and took every bite the girl all but shoved into his mouth in her enthusiasm, making obvious sounds of appreciation the whole time. This was the bloodthirsty rogue that massacred half the bounties in East Blue?

Just as Zoro finished the last bite, three men entered the courtyard. The girl tensed, and Zoro calmly whispered "Just like last time, remember?" She nodded, and suddenly her face filled with rage as she started to slap Zoro's face with the now-empty rag.

"Ha, ha, ha! Can't even defend yourself against a little kid, eh Zoro? My, how you've fallen."

Coby raised his brow at the speaker's appearance. Clad in a lavender shirt and expensive suit, the boy didn't look that much older than him. He had blond hair glossier than any he'd seen on a man, and had a cleft in his chin so deep it looked like someone had carved out a chunk. Two Marines flanked him, so he obviously had some sort of position at the base, but Coby couldn't see how.

"Weren't you the girl that snuck in last week? I like making fun of trash as much as the next guy, but this is Government property. You wouldn't want to offend my father, would you?" the boy asked the girl in the most mocking, patronizing tone of voice the human throat can produce.

"I just wanted to hurt him! He deserves to be punished for offending you, Helmeppo-sama!" The little girl grimaced like it caused her physical pain to say that, but the blonde didn't seem to notice as he threw back his head and laughed.

"So true! He's a big idiot, and idiots deserve to be punished. But Daddy has issued a ruling that anyone that associates with criminals will be charged with the same crime. So don't come back or I'll have to punish _you_." Helmeppo snapped his fingers at one of the Marines. "Take this girl out of here. Pull her by her hair so she knows not to try this again."

The Marine stiffened. "But, sir!"

Helmeppo turned around and grabbed the man's collar like he was a dog. "Did I hear you disobeying me? I'll tell my father!"

The Marine grimaced, but he reached forward and grabbed one of the girl's pigtails. She didn't fight him, but she still yelled that it hurt. The Marine looked like he hated himself, but he led her like that to the gate and pushed her out. Coby watched in horror at the petty act of cruelty. Marines weren't supposed to act like that!

Helmeppo laughed at Zoro. "I honestly didn't expect you to last this long!"

Zoro glared at him. "I said I could last a month, didn't I?"

"Sure, sure. Don't go anywhere, now!" Helmeppo mocked, walking away like he owned the place.

Zoro rolled his eyes. When he looked forward again, he saw Luffy standing in the same place as he had the 'first' time, grinning that carefree grin that always made Zoro question the boy's sanity. Not that it really mattered if his captain was insane. Nami was there this time though, shaking her head.

"I'll never understand how you're so good with kids. You're so scary you should make them cry just by looking at them," she said. Zoro ignored her, as usual.

Luffy held out his hand. "So, same deal as last time? I spring you, you become my nakama? I should warn you that our adventures are going to be even crazier and noisier this time! I've had some ideas while I was waiting."

Zoro just gave that smile that always appeared when he recognized a challenge and decided to take it. "Can you just untie me already? Those rice balls just made me hungrier."

Luffy laughed his lungs out.

After a few minutes of Luffy tackling the knots and ending up just making them tighter, Nami stepped in and Zoro was walking stiffly in minutes. They grabbed Coby, who seemed to be having a crisis of faith after seeing Marines being bad and a 'demon' being pretty nice, and made their way for town. Everyone who saw Zoro walking free all but screamed and ran the other way. Luffy got a few good chuckles from that, and Nami made a couple of pointed jokes at Zoro's expense, but the swordsman was too tired and hungry to bother caring.

They entered the bar run by the little girl's (according to Zoro, her name was Rika) mom, and all noise stopped. The patrons all stared at the released swordsman like he was a ghost. The sound of crickets chirping was interrupted by Rika running up to Zoro, grinning wide. "Zoro-niisan! You're free! How'd you do it! Did that nasty Helmeppo decide to let you go?"

Zoro grinned and crouched down, so the girl didn't have to crane her neck. "No, that guy didn't let me go. My captain here got me loose."

Rika turned her eyes to Coby, who was standing right next to Zoro. "Really? He seems like kind of a wimp. You sure he's your boss?"

Coby sputtered, but Luffy just laughed. "Not Coby, me! I'm Zoro's captain. Monkey D. Luffy, nice to meet ya!" Continuing like what he was about to say was as big a deal as the weather, he said "I'm going to be the Pirate King!"

Nami detected a slight shift in atmospheric pressure as everyone in the bar gasped, their eyes popping out of their skulls. Luffy cocked his head. He got why other captains got ticked off when he said that, but why did normal people act so shocked? Rika, too young to see the issue, just smiled. "Wow, cool! Hey, you should have lunch here! Mama's cooking's really good, and oniisan must be hungry after all that time tied up! I know my rice balls couldn't have helped much," she finished, an adorable pout curving her lips.

Zoro patted her head, smiling tenderly in a way that shouldn't have worked with his harsh features, but it did. "There were delicious, really. I could taste that you put all your heart in them."

Amid enthusiastic chatter from Rika, the Straw Hat Pirates plus Coby sat down at the bar. Once their backs were turned, most of the people ran for the hills. A few stuck around though, looking like they were waiting for an impending explosion. That and a bit of nauseous wonder, as Luffy and Zoro ordered everything on the menu twice over and proceeded to eat/drink everything with the manners of wild wolves as soon as Rika's troubled-looking mother set it down.

Coby didn't seem to have much of an appetite, picking at his meal while watching Zoro patiently answer all of Rika's incessant questions between sips. The swordsman, after a few minutes of feeling eyes on him, turned to look. Coby instinctively flinched as those eyes landed on him, even though they held no obvious sign of anger. "What is it?"

Coby gulped, but spoke up. Luffy would protect him, right? "You're nothing like what I expected. You don't seem like a bad guy at all."

"He's not! The real bad guys are Morgan and his stupid son!" Rika yelled. She then explained how Morgan let his son have free reign to terrorize the town, and the only reason Zoro got captured was as a deal with Helmeppo to protect her after he'd killed the jerk's pet wolf. Coby looked like he'd swallowed raw sewage as she explained how the Marine Captain and his son abused their power. Luffy saw, and just sighed. Coby had a lot to learn about the world.

Rika's mother spoke up after her daughter finished, a look of controlled fear in her eyes. "Listen, I appreciate what you've done for my daughter, and I know that you probably did the right thing by freeing Roronoa-san, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. If any of the Marines see you here, they'll report you and we'll be the ones to suffer for it."

"But Mama! They're nice guys! Why do they have to leave?" Rika protested.

Before she could answer, Helmeppo walked in. Not even seeming to notice the room, he swept a table clear of dishes by pushing them onto the floor, breaking them. Then he pulled out a chair and lounged, his escort standing behind him silently. "Hey, old lady! Me and my guards are going to eat for free today!" He looked over to see she followed his order, only to fall over when he saw Zoro looking at him.

"Roronoa! W-what are you doing here? You're supposed to be tied up!"

The swordsman deadpanned. "I got bored. So I asked my friends to let me go."

"Hi there, bastard son!" Luffy waved cheerfully. Nami raised her wine glass in acknowledgement.

Helmeppo hoped to his feet, suddenly furious. "How dare you! He was an official prisoner of the Marines! You just broke the law!"

"What's your point?" Nami asked, taking a sip.

"My point is that's a crime!" the overgrown blonde baby shouted.

"So what? We're pirates! We're above the law!" Luffy shouted proudly.

Helmeppo gaped, apparently unused to such casual disregard of the authority he'd used as a weapon his whole life. He rallied, and pointed at them accusingly. "You three are criminals, but more importantly, I don't like you! Zoro, looks like your execution's getting moved up. Men, kill them!"

Helmeppo's escort drew their sabers, apprehensive looks on their faces. There was something _off_ about this trio, something that warned them they had no chance of beating them. Luffy's grin disappeared and he turned his eyes on them. Both men froze. It was like looking down two cocked gun barrels. The smiling idiot had vanished, and in his place was a ruthless warrior. Then he opened his mouth and said just one word.

"No."

An unearthly feeling invaded their senses, and the two men collapsed on the ground.

Helmeppo gaped, as did Coby and Rika's mother. Did he really just take down two trained Marines with just a word and a glare? Rika had glitter in her eyes, mouthing 'cool!' Then Luffy held up a fist. "Don't threaten my nakama," he said, and then his fist rocketed forward. Helmeppo felt his nose explode in pain, and then his whole world went black. He collapsed beside his men, his broken nose spraying blood everywhere.

Luffy turned to look at Rika's mom, who took a step back. But she was confused when he just smiled wide. "Sorry about the mess! I just really wanted to punch that guy. He's so annoying!"

Coby gaped. "Luffy-san, what did you just do?"

"I beat up a couple scaredy-cat Marines and a jerk. Is that such a bad thing?"

"If anything, it's a public service," Nami chimed in.

Luffy hopped off his stool. "Well, I'm not hungry anymore. I think I'm going to go beat up Morgan now. He sounds like a bigger jerk than his son. Besides, we have to get Zoro's swords from the base. What's a swordsman without his katana?"

"Pissed, dishonored, or retired." Zoro stood up too, reaching out to ruffle Rika's hair one last time. "Thank you very much for taking care of me. I'm glad I was able to help you."

Rika giggled. "Thank _you_ , oniisan! You were really brave to help me! And thank you for liking my rice balls. I want to be as good a cook as Mama one day!"

Luffy ruffled around in his pockets and pulled out a sealed envelope. He handed it to Coby, who took it in surprise. "Here. Once things settle down a little, go to the base and give the new guy in charge this letter. It should get you in without a problem."

Coby didn't question how a pirate had such a thing. Luffy seemed to do twelve impossible things an hour. "I don't know how to thank you, Luffy-san. I owe you so much."

Luffy grinned. "You can pay me back by becoming an awesome Marine! Just don't become a jerk. Hey, maybe when I'm Pirate King, you'll be an Admiral! We can meet each other again when you come to try and kill me! Shishishishi!"

Coby just shook his head, trying to hide his tears of gratitude. Nami smiled at the sight, before turning to Rika's mother. "Here, this should cover everything." She pulled a roll of bills from her bikini, making the other woman raise a brow, and handed her the whole thing. Rika's mother gasped. A quick estimate told her she'd just been handed enough to pay for the huge meal twice over. Nami just smiled and turned to follow Luffy and Zoro out the bar. She might be parsimonious and greedy to a fault, but she'd always have a soft spot for mothers and people who were oppressed.

Luffy took a second to enjoy the breeze and the sun on his face. Nami came up beside him and asked "What was that letter, Luffy?"

"In order to get Gramps to train me, I kinda let him think I was going to become a Marine. He gave me that letter for when I came here. It probably goes like 'this kid is really awesome, he can go far. Teach him the basics and I'll come around in a few months to pick him up and any friends he makes.'"

Luffy chuckled. "Man, I wish I can see his face when he shows up expecting me and gets Coby instead. Maybe that bastard son too, if Coby makes friends with him again." That said, he straightened Hat and cracked his knuckles. He turned to face the base. "Time to take out the trash," he said.

* * *

One hour later, the trio were getting ready to cast off. The entire town had followed them and was cheering. Luffy ignored them. Why did they have to keep calling him a hero? He wasn't a hero, dammit! He didn't want to share his meat!

Nami clued them in that most of the Marines were busy on the roof, raising Morgan's statue. She'd snuck them in and had the two monsters escort her while she stripped the base of anything remotely valuable. Zoro, rendered down to intimidation only without his swords, had been designated pack mule. He'd grumbled death threats under his breath, and Luffy had nearly started skipping. It was just like old times!

When they reached Helmeppo's room, Zoro had shucked off the bags of swag and belted the three swords in the corner through his sash, almost moaning. Luffy and Nami were intrigued to see that instead of just Wado Ichimonji and two burners, their nakama also had Sandai Kitetsu and Yubashiri. He smiled and said that he'd gone straight to Loguetown after he left the dojo to get them. When Nami had asked exactly how long it had taken him to get there and find the shop, the green-head had suddenly found the flowered wallpaper very interesting.

When they finally got to the roof, Morgan was giving a longwinded speech about his own superiority while admiring his larger-than-life statue getting raised into place. Nami, having not actually seen him the first time through, almost gagged at the sight of the surgically implanted axe that had replaced the man's right hand.

Morgan had noticed them and turned to glare at them. "Who the hell are you three insects?"

Luffy yawned. "Well, I'm Luffy, and I'm a pirate. And I heard about you in town, and I decided I don't like you. So I'm here to kick your ass."

The Marines had gaped in shock, while Morgan's forehead had become a tapestry of tic marks. He opened his mouth, probably to condemn them and brag about his title, but Luffy didn't see the point of dragging this out like last time. So he'd thrown out his leg in a simple "Gomu Gomu no Stamp!" Morgan had coughed out blood before being sent flying through his own statue, shattering it to gravel. Luffy had given a thumbs-up to the gobsmacked crowd, turned around, and jumped with Zoro and Nami off the roof.

Luffy took a moment to scratch the lump she'd given him for that. Two in one day, that might be a new record low. She really must be happy to see him again.

Hopping in the boat, Luffy turned around and waved to Coby and Rika in the crowd. They waved back unafraid; no one would notice them with everyone else doing exactly the same. The news had spread like wildfire and the whole town had come to catch a glimpse of the man who had shown up out of nowhere to defeat their tyrant.

"Bye!" Luffy shouted, giving a little chuckle when he saw the Marines salute them like last time. He turned when Nami shouted at him to help with the sail. Thanks to her guidance, the island was out of sight in no time.

Once they were comfortable set on a current, Nami turned her attention to the perpetually grinning Luffy and the lounging Zoro. "Okay, so we're all alone. We get to actually talk now. Let's compare notes."

The boys shrugged and they all started to talk. After filling the two in about his two years under Garp's heavy hand, Luffy learned that both of them had been sent back the same amount of time as him, about five years from the moment they'd run into that room. Nami had continued to work for Arlong, and kept up her thieving runs. She actually had already gathered the necessary amount thrice over, what with her experience to aid her this time, but she continued to pretend she wasn't there yet. Without her Clima-Tact, she knew she couldn't have taken on Arlong, so she planned to repeat history and befriend Luffy and get him to save her like last time.

Zoro grinned when it was his turn. He'd used the training techniques he'd gotten from Mihawk to make his last two years at the dojo just as effective as the two he'd spent on Kuraigana Island. He'd spent the extra year wandering, waiting for his own moment to meet up with Luffy. The bounties were painfully easy, he said, so he'd kept up training in his free time. He smirked and said he was even stronger than he'd been in the New World.

Nami sighed when she heard that. "If we're all back, then I have no idea how we're going to lay low while we go through Paradise."

"Why would we lay low?" Luffy asked like she'd suggested the crew become vegan.

She grit her teeth. "Because if the World Government find out how strong we really are, they'll be sending the Cipher Pols, Shichibukai, and Admirals after us from the start! How do you think they'll react to a crew of New World-level pirates popping up out of nowhere? They'll panic and send everything to try and wipe us out before we become an even bigger problem."

"So we'll beat them up," Luffy answered, like the solution was obvious.

Nami stood up, actually looking angry. "Did you learn nothing from that ambush? We can't fight the whole world, Luffy! We need to be careful, or we'll get wiped out just like last time! Don't you realize that we escaped by the skin of our insanely lucky teeth? I hope you realize we would have lost, or don't you remember the Marines nearly killing us?!"

A chill settled on the boat. Nami bit her lips, realizing she might have gone too far. Luffy looked up, his eyes cold. Zoro was impressed. He could sense a presence coming off his captain that reminded him of Aokiji, from their brief encounter. Something insanely powerful, totally committed to its goal, completely lethal despite its unthreatening shell. He'd always thought he was sort of equal to Luffy, even after the two years. Now, he wasn't actually sure he could win a fight against the rubber-man. He had a sense for these kind of things, one he'd ignored completely against Mihawk the first time, but it was there. This was a man he wouldn't be ashamed to bow his head to.

"Of course I remember," Luffy finally said. "And I never want it happen again. That's why I trained so that I could be strong enough to protect all of you, even from people like Akainu. And keep in mind that I wasn't sure you guys were back too. I planned to have to help you guys out when you were all still level one." Luffy then grinned. But it wasn't his usual smile. Instead of being full of simple joy or excitement, this was the smile of a businessman who had developed the perfect strategy to take over his rival, and was about to unveil it to his allies. "That's why I came up with a plan so that we'll never get outnumbered again. Would you like to hear it?"

Actually intimidated by Luffy for once, Nami sat down, while Zoro sat up, clearly at attention.

Luffy's odd smile widened. "Okay, so here's how it goes…"

* * *

**Moving too fast? Too ooc? Let me know how you're feeling about this so far.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I realize that this is a bit unusual, but if you'll bear with me, I swear that this will be pretty entertaining. And if you don't like it, at least favorite it so random passerby can see it. Please? Pretty please? Anyway, on with the show.**

* * *

"So, let me get this straight. You want to talk every person we ever met in the original timeline into coming along with us?"

"Not everyone. Just the cool ones."

"And they'd travel with us?"

"Of course!"

"And we'd be responsible for keeping them out of trouble?"

"Why bother, trouble always seems to find us anyway."

"And we'd have to feed and pay for them, too?"

"Hey, we'd have their treasure to help pay for it. And maybe we can do some of the normal pirating this time around."

Nami looked like she was barely resisting the urge to strangle Luffy. "Luffy, I want you to _really_ think about this. You're better at it now, right? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a bunch of loud, unruly, weaker-than-us former enemies sailing around with us on all our incredibly dangerous adventures, which earned us the wrath of the Marines which we only avoided the first time because we were just one, tiny ship and could sneak around all their patrols?"

Luffy cocked his head, his brow furrowing. Nami dared to hope. Then his face brightened and he nodded, smiling. "Yep, sounds good to me!"

Zoro shrugged. "I don't see a problem. Maybe now I'll finally have some proper drinking buddies."

Nami threw up her hands. "WHY DON'T YOU TWO HAVE BRAINS?! Luffy, this is a terrible idea! We beat up all those guys for a reason. They're all evil and/or crazy! You seriously think USOPP is going to be okay calling the Black Cats nakama? Do you believe it's remotely possible we can get along with a bunch of people we can remember doing terrible things and us beating them up for it?"

Luffy stared at her oddly. "Robin and Franky started out as our enemies. Look what happened to them."

Nami faltered. "Well, that's true. But this is still a really bad idea! We almost got caught at Arabasta and Enies Lobby _and_ Sabaody! The only reason we didn't was because we were alone and could maneuver easily. If we have to stick around to help a bunch of other ships, we'll get into a lot more trouble."

"We're all stronger now, we can deal with all that." Luffy held up his hand to stop Nami's next protest. "Listen, Nami. The fact is, our first way of doing things ended up with all of us almost dying. If we don't want that to happen, we have to do things different. We can get even stronger, go to different islands, or we can add more people. We're already stronger since we're all back and had even more time to get ready, but I'm still not sure we would win that ambush if we got to try it again now. We have to pick up everyone and help them, so we're not changing our route. So, isn't the only real solution to make more nakama to help us?"

Nami opened and closed her mouth half a dozen times, trying to find the holes in Luffy's argument, because there _had_ to be some, but she couldn't find any. That actually made good sense. She fell back on an earlier point. "Luffy, they were bad guys! How are you going to convince them to follow you?"

Luffy grinned. "I got you to follow me, didn't I, Miss I'll Never Be A Pirate? I'm really good at making friends when I want to, you know that. Instead of wanting to wail on them this time, I'll want them to join me."

Nami blushed. "Okay, your freakish ability to get people to like you is something to consider. But," she cried out, starting to sound desperate, "this still isn't a good idea, Luffy! Even if you were God, you'd still have trouble getting different pirate crews working together. And how are we going to keep us all supplied? I'm not _made_ of money, and I don't particularly want to spend my life savings keeping a couple extra hundred mouths around. We _barely_ managed to keep ourselves fed!"

Luffy held up his hands. "I'll be good this time, I promise. Believe it or not, Gramps actually worked on appetite control with me. He said that I couldn't just devour all the rations and get away with it. I'd get court marshaled in a heartbeat." He pounded his fist as an idea hit him. "Hey, we'll talk the moustache guy and his restaurant into joining us too! That should keep everyone from getting hungry. Sanji would probably be happy to have them around too."

Nami hung her head. "It's pointless arguing with you. You're going to do this no matter what I say, aren't you?"

Luffy laughed. "Yep! Come on, Nami, it'll be fun! The Straw Hat Armada! Imagine how awesome all the parties will be! Besides," he added, his grin getting a little teasing, "You'll be in charge of ALL of their treasure."

"Well, I suppose there's nothing wrong with making friends!" Nami's mood seemed to completely reverse, perking up instantly. Beri symbols had replaced her eyes.

Zoro rolled his eyes. The witch had a one-track mind when it came to money. He decided to not even think about his debt when she was around. Knowing her, she'd charge interest for the three years and he'd never be free of her. "So, we're starting out with Buggy, right? How you going to manage that, captain? Or should we start calling you commodore now?"

Luffy frowned so deeply it looked comical. "Ew, don't call me that. I'm always going to be a captain. And the other guys can still be captains of their crews. They just have to call _me_ captain." Luffy smiled goofily at that thought. Then he got serious. "And Buggy should be easy. He's basically a really mean cross between Nami and Usopp. We show him we could kill him if we wanted to, then we puff up his ego and tease him with lots of treasure. As long as I don't bring up Shanks, we shouldn't have a problem."

Nami gaped. "That's actually a good plan. Garp really did put you through the ringer, didn't he?"

Luffy shivered. "You have no idea. Turns out he actually knows how to be the perfect Marine, he just doesn't bother. But he wasn't going to let me do that, oh no."

Zoro shrugged. "Well, you know what they say. 'Do as I say, not as I do.'" He yawned and adjusted his swords. "If we're going to end up nakama, maybe I can teach that unicycle guy how to be a real swordsman. All those dirty tricks just waste time."

Luffy started hopping. "I remember that lion looking pretty cool! It'll be nice to have a pet. And Chopper could tell us what he was saying, so we could take really good care of him! Hey, why don't we bring that guy in the box and all his cool animals too? We'll have Buggy with us when we see him, so they could fit!"

Nami's good mood dimmed. "Luffy, you can't bring everyone you ever liked in the world along with us."

"Why not?" he challenged.

Accepting it was truly hopeless and she'd be better off adjusting to it instead of fighting it, Nami let it go. She looked up and smirked. "Well, if you're serious about making friends with the guys we used to fight, you better start now."

Luffy tilted his head, before he followed her gaze. Not far off, there was a raft just a little bigger than theirs. Proudly emblazoned on the sail was the emblem of the Buggy Pirates. Three men were on it, each of them looking like they had shopped at a thrift store frequented by the criminally insane. One of them noticed Luffy noticing them, and shouted at the top of his lungs "Halt! In the name of Captain Buggy, all your loot is now ours!"

Luffy didn't react for a few seconds. Then he burst into laughter. "Shishishishi! You're funny!"

The pirate gaped. That was clearly the exact opposite of the reaction he'd expected. Then, as was often the case with stupid men, he dealt with the unknown by decided to smash it. "You dare to mock us? Guys, let's kill 'em!"

The trio of time-travelers watched in thinly-veiled amusement as the pirates sailed up alongside them. With a well-timed jump with the swell, the three buccaneers joined the Straw Hats on the now cramped raft. The lead one, the one that Luffy had laughed at, pulled his sword out and brandished it right Luffy's face. "Thought you'd laugh at us, did ya? Well, this is what happens when you mess with the Buggy Pirates!"

The guy was probably going to pull back his arm and give a big slash or stab, but the world would never know. Faster than the untrained eye could see, Zoro unsheathed Wado and sliced clean through the far inferior blade at the hilt. He then settled his grip so that the tip of his beloved sword was settled on the skin right above the man's nose, between his eyes.

The speaker suddenly broke out in a cold sweat. In an instant, the tables had turned. He looked down the length of cold, remorseless steel into the bored eyes of the man who suddenly held his life. The greenhead frowned slightly. "Don't point things at my captain."

Luffy pouted. "Aw, Zoro! I wanted to see what he'd do. Besides, you know I could squash this guy like a bug before he could do anything to me."

"True, but it's the first mate's duty to look after the captain when the captain is too much of an idiot to do it himself."

"Well, by that logic, we should just name you official babysitter, Zoro. Luffy's always an idiot." Nami remarked.

Luffy glared at her. "I'm not an idiot! I just don't bother to overcomplicate things and have a healthy appetite for adventure!"

"It's only an adventure if you live through it. Otherwise, it's a tragedy."

"You need to loosen up, witch. Maybe you should throw the cook a bone when we meet up again. Your pipes probably need a good snaking."

The pirates could only sweatdrop as the redhead punched the swordsman so hard his head made a dent in the floor. No longer held at swordpoint, the lead guy retreated behind his mates, where the three of them gaped at the broken sword. What had they gotten themselves into?

Luffy hopped over Zoro to stand in front of the three, all of whom flinched. The freakishly fast swordsman had called this guy captain, so he had to be even stronger, right? Luffy just grinned like always and held out his hand. "Hi there, I'm Monkey D. Luffy. Who're you guys?"

The three exchanged glances, almost telepathically communicating the idea to just go along with whatever this was.

"I'm Moe," the one on the right said.

"I'm Larry," the poor leader said.

"I'm Shemp," the one on the left said. "Captain Buggy calls us the Three Stooges, since we always work together."

(A/N: Yes, yes I did just do that)

Luffy frowned and grabbed all three of their hands to give them a handshake. Didn't they see his hand? The Stooges all pulled their hands back as soon as Luffy let them go. They subtly flexed their fingers, checking for cracks. Luffy's grip had been monstrous.

"Nice to meet you guys. This is Nami, my navigator, and Zoro, my first mate. We're the Straw Hat Pirates."

"Wait," Shemp spoke up. "When you say Zoro, do you mean _the_ Zoro? Roronoa Zoro, the Pirate Hunter?"

Luffy nodded cheerily. "Yep! I did him a favor, so now we're nakama!" Luffy looked behind him to see said nakama nursing the bump on his head and grumbling under his breath. "Don't worry, he's just as strong as you think. Nami's just really tough when she's mad."

The Stooges felt like ice cubes had been shoved down their backs. This guy had gotten the Pirate Hunter, the single most fearsome warrior in East Blue, to become a pirate? And he had a woman that could bring him to heel? Were these people even human?

"Anyways, you guys are Buggy's nakama, right?" Luffy asked.

Larry gulped. "Um, yes. Though we're pretty much at the bottom of the ladder. Oh, and sorry about all that 'looting you' business earlier. That was just, uh, a joke! Yeah, a joke! We're all about jokes, us Buggy Pirates! We're the flashiest pirate crew in East Blue! Captain Buggy likes to keep things funny. Ha ha," he tacked on weakly.

Moe whispered in his companion's ear. "Dude, why'd you have to get so worked up at him laughing? This guy seems even scarier than the captain!"

"Hey, I'm not THAT scary," Luffy protested, freaking the Stooges further with his apparent super hearing. "Stronger than him, sure. I'm way, WAY stronger than that clown. But I'm not scary!" He huffed, seriously ticked off by that adjective. Being a pirate didn't make him scary! Awesome, sure, but why did people act like being scary was a good thing?

"Anyways, could you introduce us to Buggy? I want to talk to him about some stuff, captain to captain."

Larry looked nervously to Moe and Shemp, both of whom seemed as lost and scared as he was. "Um, sure. We could bring you to him. It's only a day's sail from here. But, um, if you don't mind me asking, what do you want to talk to him about, Monkey-san?"

Luffy stuck out his tongue. "Blegh! First off, call me Luffy! I have no idea who 'Monkey-san' is. And secondly, I want to talk about making the Buggy Pirates my nakama!"

"Eh?!" the three asked in shock.

Luffy's grin shifted to a smirk as he looked the Stooges in the eye. "If I have my way, this time tomorrow you'll all be part of the Straw Hat Armada! Doesn't that sound fun? Shishishishi!"

* * *

Thus commenced the most confusing 24 hours of the Stooges' lives. They'd moved back to their ship and, bound by the rules of courtesy and self-preservation, complied with Luffy's command to take him to their leader. It hadn't been a quiet trip. Luffy had bugged them nonstop, seeming genuinely interested in getting to know them. When asked why, he'd blinked and said "Well, I'm going to be your other captain, so we ought to know each other, right?"

That had been the final confirmation that this man was truly insane to the Stooges. He was acting like a pirate crew was a bunch of friends, instead of criminals bound by convenience, intimidation, and circumstance. And he seemed to have the ludicrous idea that he could somehow just talk Buggy, their irrationally short-tempered, proud (perhaps even arrogant, they all silently admitted) captain into just signing over control of his crew, himself included.

Once they witnessed Luffy knock out a charging Sea King with a single punch and proclaim it dinner, they realized the sanity of the plan was of no consequence. He could probably do it.

Yielding to incessant nagging, the Stooges had revealed to Luffy that they were boyhood friends who'd turned to petty mischief to deal with the boredom of island life. When the Buggy Pirates had sailed by, they'd all joined up without a second thought. Luffy hadn't seemed satisfied with just that, insisting on good stories. When they each coughed up a few, he'd laughed like he'd actually found their childish exploits funny, and replied in kind by telling them about his own brothers and childhood. They'd all had miniature heart attacks when he revealed how the legendary "Fire Fist" Ace was his big brother, and the other was an officer in the Revolutionaries.

In between involuntary chatting with Luffy, the Stooges were treated to Nami bossily correcting their route, calling them out in detail on each of their navigation errors. They'd just silently taken it, still cowed by seeing her down Zoro. Moe, the most sea-savvy of the three, was silently impressed to see they actually were making much better time following her advice. Zoro had bummed booze off of them, and come dinnertime, he talked them into a drinking game. None of them really tried that hard, deciding it probably wasn't wise to drop their guard, but they'd been shocked at both Zoro's tolerance and how boisterous he was once he got a few pints in him. Luffy had been a riot, trying to drag them into singing and dancing, and whining about how they couldn't cook the meat, Nami instead having Zoro slice it up so she could arrange some sushi and sashimi (at 30,000 Beri a plate, to the Stooges' horror).

After a rather restless night of sleep, Nami had woken the men all up at the crack of dawn to continue the trip. Luffy resumed trying to make friends with the Stooges, and they were surprised to find themselves actually warming up to him. It was almost impossible not to like the perpetually cheery boy. He was like an earthbound sun, sharing his rays of joy with others just by being near him. And also like the sun, he was deceptively dangerous if you underestimated him.

By the time they came in sight of Orange Town, the Stooges could actually see themselves sailing with this guy. He was obviously strong enough to protect them, and the way he talked about his dream with such casual certainty had lit fires under all three of them. There was just the small issue of the fact Captain Buggy would rather die before bowing his head.

They docked and Larry cleared his throat. He was the most talkative of the three. "Well, welcome to Orange Town. As you can see, it's pretty quiet. When Captain Buggy moved in, he kind of scared all the villagers away. He didn't want to pay for booze, and he likes to fire off his special Buggy Balls every now and then, so everyone decided to just run rather than risk his wrath."

Luffy quirked his head. "Buggy Balls? Are those like his golden balls? He shoots those off in public? That's just gross!"

Moe choked on his spit. "No, not 'those' kind of balls! Buggy Balls are a special cannonball that Captain Buggy made himself. They're ten times more destructive than the normal kind."

"Captain Buggy likes to blow things up. He's a bit obsessed with 'flashy' things," Shemp said, almost apologetically. He was the shyest.

Nami frowned. "So he's just destroying these people's houses because he feels like it?" She already knew that, but she didn't want to draw suspicion by seeming to know too much.

Zoro frowned at her. "You forgot that already, witch?"

The Stooges' gulped as they watched Nami once again fell the man who had sliced a sword clean through with nothing but her fist. "Um, what's that about?" Larry asked.

Luffy waved a hand like he was swatting a fly. "We actually have a lot of information about lots of different things, like Buggy. Nami thinks we should act like we don't know, for some reason."

"It's called discretion, baka! What's the point of knowing secrets if you just blurt them out?!" she asked, her fist still smoking.

Luffy shrugged and turned to Larry. "So, take us to Buggy! I want to make him my nakama in time for lunch. We need to have a big party to celebrate him joining the Armada! And it'll be even more fun since you're all like clowns! It'll be like a circus! And you'll have meat!" Luffy started to drool at the thought of hot meat. He hadn't had any for almost twenty-four hours! 24 HOURS!

The Stooges all chuckled. Zoro smirked around the threats on Nami's life. Known him less than a day and already Luffy had them. Looks like he'd get his drinking and sparring buddies after all.

Larry stepped forward. "Well, we're all holed up in a tavern in town. Right this way, Captain Luffy."

Moe and Shemp blinked at the address, but shrugged and followed. Heck, even if he just killed Buggy and took over, he'd still end up their captain. Might as well get used to it.

Luffy followed his newest nakama through the deserted down. It was so nice to be making nakama again! And Moe, Larry, and Shemp were hilarious. They seemed to do coordinated physical humor without even trying. Moe had choked on a piece of meat last night, and when Larry slapped his back to clear his throat, it had sailed right into Shemp's glass just as he'd raised it to his lips. You couldn't pay for that kind of entertainment!

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, the party of six finally arrived at the current base of the Buggy Pirates. An ungodly row seemed to be going on up on the roof, but the Stooges assured the Straw Hats that this was normal volume for the crew. They quickly led them through the empty floor level of the tavern up to the roof, where they were confronted by roughly 100 men, all of whom seemed to have the same fashion sense as the Stooges. Nami shuddered, Zoro didn't care, and Luffy idly wondered if they just liked dressing like that or if Buggy insisted on a theme.

They seemed to attract a lot of attention as the Stooges led the trio to the tent and throne where Buggy held court. A lot of that attention was unsavory and directed at Nami, who just huffed and stuck up her nose at the shouted compliments/propositions that came her way. A little whispering started when some smarter members noted the three swords at Zoro's hip. Luffy went all but unnoticed, which worked just fine for him. He loved to surprise people.

In short order, they reached the throne, where Buggy turned from his midmorning drink to look at his underlings and their guests. Luffy found his look even funnier this time, because he now knew that the blue tassels on his hat were actually his hair. Since they were going to be nakama instead of enemies this time, he tried not to look or laugh at his huge red nose. Hey, Sabo hadn't liked his missing tooth, so Luffy had promised not to stare. It was what nakama did, and brothers were just really, super-close male nakama, right?

Buggy picked his nose. "Ah, the Stooges. How was your raid run? Did you idiots actually manage to get any treasure? Or is that why you brought these three? Are they hostages? They don't seem like they'd be worth much. Except maybe the woman."

Nami started to march forward, murder in her eyes, when Luffy placed a calming hand on her shoulder. Shemp whispered to Moe "500 on Nami if they end up fighting."

"No bet," Moe replied.

Larry, actually sweating now that the moment was at hand, swallowed and spoke up. "Actually, Captain Buggy, these are the Straw Hat Pirates. Their captain, Luffy, wanted an audience with you. He has an, uh, proposition for you."

"Oh?" Buggy leaned forward, his eyes narrowing. "And what would some no-name pirates have to offer me, Buggy the Clown?"

Luffy stepped forward, frowning. After faking falling asleep so the Stooges would, Luffy had gone over the fine details of his plan with Zoro and Nami. She'd begrudgingly given her stamp of approval, and Zoro had no issue with his part, but Luffy had to do some tricky maneuvering. Luckily, Buggy had already made the first move. "First off, we aren't nameless. I'm the 'Terror of Goa'; every restaurant in town is afraid I'll walk in, devour everything, and run. Nami here's the best thief and navigator in East Blue, and everyone calls Zoro the Pirate Hunter."

Zoro's name caused the expected buzz. Everyone seemed to take a step back. Buggy grinned evilly and stood up, apparently ignoring Luffy. "Well, well, well. The Pirate Hunter. Have you come for my head?"

Zoro rolled his eyes. "My captain just told you that he's here to talk to you. I'm just here for the ride. Besides, I'm out of the bounty business."

Buggy grinned evilly, pulling out some knives. "That may be, but if I kill you, my reputation will explode overnight. How about a duel, Pirate Hunter?"

'Duel' seemed to be the magic word. In an instant, Buggy's crew had gathered around them in a circle, all of them chanting Buggy's name at full volume. Luffy grinned. That had been easy. Early on, before he'd gotten his bounty and even a little after, everyone had pegged Zoro as more threatening. While he'd usually gripe at that, right now it was to his advantage.

Luffy gave Zoro a wink and the swordsman stepped forward, which made the peanut gallery get even louder. "I'll only ask once," he said to Buggy, who was eagerly spinning knives in his hands. "Would you rather lose a hand or a foot?"

"Now why should I answer that? You'll be dead before you get the chance to cut me!" There was a teasing edge to the boast, which wouldn't have registered if you weren't aware of Buggy's ability.

Zoro flicked Sandai out of its sheath. "Answer, or it'll be an arm or a leg."

Buggy rolled his eyes. "Fine, the foot. Now prepare to flashily die!" Buggy dashed forward, his hands pulled back to the side, leaving himself wide open. Buggy's strategy really relied too much on the element of surprise regarding his fruit. He was far too reckless, never considering the possibility that his enemy could be forewarned. But even if they were, what difference would it make? Buggy's fruit rendered him immune to swordsmen.

Well, most swordsmen.

With the bloodthirsty eagerness that characterized every move made with the cursed blade, Zoro went low and cut clean through Buggy's left foot at a few centimeters above the ankle. Then his left fist came up and punched Buggy right back into his throne. To the shock of everyone, blood trailed behind him.

"OWWW!" Buggy roared, his hands going to clutch his bleeding stump. It actually wasn't as bad as it could have been. Zoro's slash had been so swift that the friction of the blade had been enough to slightly cauterize the wound. Still, the fact that there was blood at all was enough to make the world feel crooked. Buggy glanced at his foot, looking very lonely. He mentally commanded it to fly back and reattach, but nothing happened. He couldn't feel it. It was truly separated from him.

Buggy looked up at Zoro, who was flicking the blood off his blade and resheathing it. His body trembling, memories of his early days on the most dangerous sea returning to him, Buggy sputtered accusingly "Y-y-you have Haki!"

Zoro just smirked. Luffy walked past him, reaching down to pick up Buggy's foot. "We both do," Luffy said, smirking as his hand turned black. Buggy's eyes almost popped out of his head. Without flinching, Luffy squeezed. There was an unholy crackling sound. When Luffy opened his hand, Buggy's foot was nothing but a red, squishy ball. Several members of Buggy's crew, shocked by this turn of events, audibly lost their breakfast at the sight. Dropping the ruined body part, Luffy walked forward to stand right in front of Buggy. "Now, are you ready to hear my proposal?"

Buggy gulped. This was exactly why he'd fled here, to the weakest of the six oceans: so he'd never have to deal with men on this level ever again. Now that he paid attention, the boy with the hat had a presence, a weight that pressed against his senses. It was muted, so he wasn't exerting it, but Buggy knew exactly what it meant. He'd felt the same from Rayleigh and Captain Roger. This man had the King's Disposition. Realizing he didn't have the upper hand, Buggy swallowed his pride. "What kind of proposal?"

Luffy grinned. He pulled out a hanky and offered it to Buggy. Hesitantly, the clown took it and pressed it to his stump. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, the man who will become the Pirate King. How would you like to be the first ship to join my armada?"

A shocked muttering broke out among Buggy's crew. Those words were taboo. And the idea that Buggy would join another man's crew? Preposterous! But so was the idea that Buggy could get hurt by a sword. Falling back on bravado, Buggy scoffed. "So what, you're some Krieg wannabe? You plan to get a bunch of underlings to protect you so you never have to get your hands dirty?"

Luffy frowned. "Actually, I was thinking more like that Whitebeard guy. I'd never use my nakama as shields like that. Besides, I like getting into fights. It's a great way to work up an appetite."

Buggy swallowed. The whole thing would have sounded ridiculous if the boy wasn't so clearly powerful. But still, the idea he would bow his head? No way! "You don't know the first thing about me, Straw Hat, if you actually think I'd agree to this."

Luffy grinned mysteriously. "Actually, I know a lot of things about you. I know you take such good care of your hair because your mother loved to brush it and after she died, it was your way of remembering her. I know that you act like a clown because kids always made fun of your nose, and before you were strong enough to just shut them up, you decided to make their insults a shield. I know you ate the Bara Bara no Mi, even though you were planning to run away from your crew and sell it, because Shanks surprised you after you hid it in your mouth. And just now you thought that my hat looks a lot like Shanks'. That's because Shanks gave it to me, but I wonder why you call it Shanks' hat. Didn't it belong to Roger before he gave it to Shanks?" Luffy grinned at Buggy's gobsmacked look. "Yep, I know who your old captain is. Couldn't he hear the Voice of All Things too?"

Hearing a person's thoughts had only been the second-coolest thing Garp had taught Luffy about Observation. The pinnacle of that form of Haki was being able to hear the Voice of All Things. Everything, from a blade of grass to the words in a book to the sky itself, had a voice. These voices, every second of every day, silently wove themselves into a glorious chorus that was known as the Voice of All Things. The average Observation user could only hear the voices of living things, and even then not very well. But to the most sensitive and attuned of listeners, the Voice was always there, telling the tale of the world. And to those that could listen, it answered every question. Those that could open themselves to the Voice were granted an understanding of the world that monks dedicated their whole lives to finding. It was the culmination of everything that existed, every living thing's heartbeat, all the knowledge ever known. And therein was the catch. The Voice had allowed Gol D. Roger to read and write the language of the Poneglyphs, but not how to cure his disease, because the cure and therefore its 'voice' had not been born yet.

Garp himself couldn't hear it. That was why he'd been so proud he'd taken Luffy to a 5-star steakhouse in Goa when Luffy had managed it a mere week before Sengoku's deadline. The Voice had factored heavily into Luffy's planning. It hadn't told him about his crew also being back because A.) It was very draining and Luffy was lucky if he could listen for a few minutes without his head exploding and B.) Luffy had assumed anything he'd heard about their future adventures when he'd listened for his nakama had just been his own memories.

The Voice had told Luffy all he needed to know about Buggy. His hair, his nose, his very pain and envy were all part of the chorus. Luffy was aware that he could probably abuse the heck out this ability, but he didn't. He didn't care about most of the stuff others would us it for, like politics and war. And as for One Piece, Luffy would stuff his ears and go 'la la la' if he caught a whisper of it while listening to the Voice. He wanted it to be a surprise, by thunder!

Buggy was now truly afraid. This man in front of him was just like Roger, mysterious and powerful as all get out while looking harmless. No one with a smile that big had any right being so dangerous. Still, that didn't change anything. "I don't care if you could pluck the moon out of the sky and eat it! I'm not giving up my independence and crew for you!"

Buggy's crew all had to resist the urge to bow down in honor of their captain. He was so brave and fearless!

Luffy shrugged. "Of course not. You aren't going to do it for me. You're going to do it for _you_." Luffy grinned at Buggy's confused look. "Well, I don't know about you, but I think it would be pretty legendary to be known as the man who'd sailed with both Pirate Kings."

A light seemed to pop up in Buggy's eyes as that idea processed. Luffy smirked and started to use his most convincing tone. "Just imagine it. You'd have a title that no one could ever steal. Headlines will be written about you. Maybe books. Buggy, the man who saw the rise, fall, and rise again of the Pirate Era. Not even Shanks could top that. He's just a Yonko. You'd be the man who saw it all, the Royal Witness, the one person alive that could say they saw both 'Gold' Roger and 'Straw Hat' Luffy up close and personal. Your name would be as sacred as the likes of Rayleigh."

Buggy seemed to have stars in his eyes, as images of his own grandeur ran through his head, spurred on by Luffy's honeyed words. Luffy went in for the kill. "Besides, we're planning to sail to Skypeia when we get to Paradise. The City of Gold is up there, did you know that when you went there the first time? Well, one of my nakama knows exactly where to find it. She's an archaeologist."

Buggy almost drooled. He'd had to be dragged bodily away when their Log had adapted to Upper Yard and it had been time to go. He'd been rabid on finding the legendary City of Gold. He'd have been willing to pull out the bricks with his teeth to get his hands on the precious metal, if the legends turned out to be true. And it wasn't like he had never sailed under another's command. But that had been before he was captain of his own crew. His reputation would be ruined! But then again, the kid had a point about the prestige of sailing with both Kings. And Buggy had no doubt this kid could pull it off, what with all three colors of Haki and the Will of D. Then again…

Buggy grit his teeth. "What happens if I say no?"

Luffy's face went blank. "Then Zoro here will cut you up into little pieces, don't worry he won't use Haki, and stuff you in a sack. Then Nami will hand you over to the Marines for the bounty money. I'll charm your crew into following me anyway, and you'll get to spend the rest of your life in Impel Down wondering 'what if?' while the rest of us are getting rich and famous."

"How can I be sure you're strong enough to achieve your goals?" Buggy continued, though that clearly stung a bit.

Luffy rolled his eyes. He turned around, and everyone in his way scurried to get out of the way. This man had managed to cow their captain, so he must be badass. Luffy put his thumb in his mouth and bit down. "Gear Third Light," he said before he took a breath and blew.

The air went into his skeleton, and in a second his fist swelled up to a hundred times its size. Buggy's crew gaped, while Nami and Zoro raised a brow. The fist was only half as big as it usually became. Why was Luffy using less air?

Luffy pulled back his fist and proudly proclaimed "This is the fist of a half-Giant! Gomu Gomu no Giant Pistol!" With that, Luffy threw his blown up punch, Buggy and his crew marveling again as his arm stretched, sending his wrecking ball of a fist through every house in its way for half a mile. They all collapsed like they were made of paper.

Luffy pulled back his fist, dispelling the air slowly so he wouldn't shrink. "Hey, Nami, can we leave behind the money to fix that?"

The navigator and unofficial treasurer sighed. "It'll be 200% interest per week, with a bimonthly increase of 27% and a semi-annual fee of 2,500,000 Beri until completion."

Buggy gaped at the usurious amount of interest. Even he wasn't that bad! Luffy scrunched his face as he tried to translate that, but math was never his strong suit, even after Garp's training. "Um, okay?"

Nami grinned like a cat that got the canary AND the cream. "Then yes, I'll cover the repairs."

Luffy shrugged and turned back to Buggy. "So, how about it, Buggy? How'd you like to join my armada? You'll never be bored, I swear! We'll all be too busy having fun and going on adventures and kicking Marine ass for a dull moment to happen!"

Buggy weighed his options. Subservience in exchange for fame and riches, or spending the rest of his life in hell? Jeez, what a toss-up.

Straightening up, and wincing when his blood flow redirected to pour out his leg even more, Buggy cleared his throat. "Boys, listen up! After careful consideration, I've decided that we're going to enter into a flashy partnership with the Straw Hat Pirates! Out of consideration of how much less awesome than me he is, we'll call it the Straw Hat Armada in consideration of my partner here! How do you feel about that?"

As they always did with anything their captain said, the Buggy Pirates cheered out loud. The Stooges in particular were pretty exuberant. Luffy had done it! He'd pulled off the impossible! They were his nakama now!

"So let's have a party to celebrate our new allies!" The men roared even louder in joy. The chaps on cooking duty immediately ran to get stores while everyone else went for their stashes of alcohol and started to do their usual games. "And someone go get Kadoo to deal with my damn foot!" Buggy shouted over the sudden hubbub.

Out of the chaos of moving bodies, someone managed to break through to get to the little circle around the throne that Buggy, the Straw Hats, and the Stooges were. Nami blinked when she saw it was a woman decked out in standard harlequin gear. Her make-up was done much more tastefully then all the men's, her right eye being inside a red diamond and her left being in a black spade. She sat down at the base of the throne and pulled out a mortar and pestle from a small satchel.

"I keep telling everyone that I'm not a real doctor, but do they listen to my pleading and get a real one? No, they keep on doing crazy shit and expecting me to nurse the booboos even though I can't even pronounce half the stuff in all those medical books. This crew is held together by herbs and blind luck and yet everyone insists it must be my genius medical knowledge. God, why can't men be less stupid?" she said to herself, though it was slightly above normal volume so they all could hear her.

Larry spoke up to the sweatdropping Straw Hats. "That's Kadoo, our nurse. She's a bit deaf because our clinic is right next to the cannon deck and she always forgets to wear her earplugs."

Luffy shrugged, before his biggest grin yet broke out. "C'mon, Zoro, let's go meet all our new nakama! I really want to pet that lion!" All but dragging him, Luffy took off with his first mate into the chaos of the nascent party.

Buggy starred after him as Kadoo started to rub a poultice onto his wound and wrap it in gauze. "Why do I get the sense that I'm going to regret this decision?"

"Oh, you will," Nami said, stepping closer. "In a few months, you'll find yourself regretting it six times before breakfast. But you'll also find that you couldn't imagine a life without Luffy. Don't ask me how it works, I still have no idea how it happened." She then grinned. "Now, let's discuss the allotment of treasure."

"Beg your pardon?" Buggy asked, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

Nami continued fearlessly. "All Armada funds go into a collective account, an account which I am the manager of. For storage reasons, it'll stay on your ship, but it all belongs to me, I mean, the group. Since you've got that map of Reverse Mountain as collateral and considering you've just been lamed, I'll allow you… 10%"

Buggy gasped. "How dare you? I'm Buggy, and I'll never give up my treasure! I won't accept a single Beri less than 50%"

"10%," Nami insisted, her shrewd expression unchanging.

"48%!"

"10%."

"39%!"

"10%."

"27.5%!"

"5%."

"YOU WENT THE WRONG WAY!"

While Buggy and Nami continued their ruthless negotiations, Luffy was having the time of his life. These guys knew how to party, he'd give them that! He was swallowing legs of meat by the bone, and he'd never had so many chances to play games or sing! He settled all questions about how he'd done his giant punch with his classic cheek stretching routine. The Stooges tagged along with him, making introductions whenever Luffy paused to notice a particular member. Luffy could already feel his head spinning from all the names he had to keep track of, but he was determined to remember them all. He wasn't going to be the kind of bastard captain that didn't know the name of the guy who died fighting with him.

Zoro, meanwhile, had tracked down Cabaji and talked him into a healthy spar. Needless to say, the unicyclist was getting epically pwned with just one sword. But, to keep it from getting too out of hand, Zoro made a drinking game out of it. Every time someone landed a blow, they had to drink. Despite being three bottles of quality sake in, Zoro was still going strong. A few had gathered around to marvel while Cabaji got steadily more embarrassed.

Luffy finally ran into Mohji and his awesome lion, Richie. Mohji was quick to suck up to Luffy, saying what an honor it was to sail with someone so strong, blah blah blah. Luffy tried to remember that this guy hadn't attacked the dog's treasure this time, but he was still pretty annoying. Richie cut off Mohji when he nosed the plate in front of him, only to be a slap to the head. "No, Richie, I'll feed you later, okay!"

Luffy narrowed his eyes. Richie's voice was miserable but resigned, like he was used to this. "Hey, when was the last time you fed him?"

Mohji paused, brought up short. A few nearby paused what they were doing to listen in. They'd actually always wondered why Richie was always so grouchy. The idea that Mohji was the only one he liked because he was 'an awesome beast tamer' had always gone in one ear and out the other.

"Um, what day is it?"

Everyone listening sweatdropped. "Thursday," Luffy answered.

"Thursday the…" Mohji asked, trailing off in a questioning tone.

The sweatdrop grew bigger. "The sixth," Luffy answered again.

"The sixth of…"

The sweatdrop swelled so big that many lost their balance and fell on their faces. Luffy took a deep breath, clearly trying to keep control of his temper. Mohji quivered. He'd angered the guy who'd terrified his captain! Luffy carefully brought out just enough Conqueror's to make Mohji fear for his life. "You're never to put off his feeding like that ever again. You're going to feed him every day until he dies, you hear me? I will not have my pets treated like this." Turning off the intimidation and trying to be soothing, Luffy got close to Richie and rubbed the spot that Mohji had slapped. "There, there, buddy. Sorry about that. I promise the mean guy won't treat you like that again. Here, have some of my meat."

The world itself seemed to gasp.

"Who are you and what have you done with Luffy?!" Nami asked, appearing from out of nowhere.

Luffy tilted his head as Richie happily started to gnaw at the offered leg. "What're you talking about, Nami? I am Luffy."

"Luffy NEVER shares his meat! We could be starving and tired after a long day and he'd still steal the last pork chop off your plate! There's no way you're Luffy!" Nami insisted.

Luffy sighed. "Duh, you guys are my nakama! I trust you guys to get your own meat. If you're too slow, that's your own fault. But this guy," Luffy said, scratching a spot behind Richie's ears and getting a vibrating purr from the feline, "Is a pet. You're responsible for pets. If they go hungry or get hurt, it's up to you to take care of them. He's hungry, so it's my job to feed him, and I already had some meat in my hand, so I gave it to him!"

Nami seemed to be suffering some kind of stroke. "But—But—But—I can't believe this! You're more considerate of some lion then you'd be of your own brother!"

"Hey!" Luffy protested. "I'll have you know Ace would agree with me. We were raised in the same house, with the same values!"

"What kind of messed-up, dysfunctional, Lord of the Flies-esque house were you two raised in to have these messed up ideas about sharing food?"

"The house of the Dadan Family, the most fearsome bandits on Mt. Colubo! Or so they tell themselves, anyway," Luffy answered, now giving Richie a belly rub.

Nami froze. "You were… raised by mountain bandits?"

"Yep!"

"… That explains so much," Nami said. She shook her head, and turned around. "Whatever, I've got to get back to discussing allowance privileges with Buggy. He's crazy if he thinks I'll give him 11.61%! That's WAY too much!"

The Buggy Pirates observing this exchange all exchanged looks. Life was certainly going to be more interesting with these guys around.

The party lasted until sunset. Luffy wormed his way into the hearts of all of Buggy's crew, Zoro got a decent buzz and opened a fellow swordsman to how big the world was, and Nami had conceded begrudgingly to an 8.3% before drinking three men under the table and having some much-needed girl talk with Kadoo. Luffy wondered why the mayor guy with the weird hair didn't show up, until he realized that since the dog's shop was never attacked or the Buggy Ball ever fired, he'd have no reason to get worked up. Hmm, so there'd be no fighting on this island, or the next since he wanted to get the cool box guy and all his animals to join too. He'd have to work out some way to get a few jabs in with that bastard butler and his crew. He had to keep his skills sharp, after all.

Since Luffy wanted to meet up with everyone as soon as possible, he talked Buggy into leaving as soon as the party was over. Buzzed on his own drink and his stump comfortably numb and fitted with a peg thanks to Kadoo, he'd agreed. It was a to-do getting a hundred drunk men to the docks without destroying the town. It had taken a combination of Nami's overt threats and subtle use of Conqueror's to get everyone to agree, but eventually all of them were loaded into the Big Top.

"You realize how embarrassing it is if we get seen with you in that stupid little raft?" Buggy asked over the rail, looking down at his new partner.

Luffy poked his tongue out in reply. "Hey, we'll be getting an awesome ship when we pick up my sharpshooter! And we'll get an even more awesome ship when we reach Water 7 and find my shipwright!"

Buggy narrowed his eyes. "You seem pretty confident about where you'll find these members for your own crew! Did you already meet them or are you just over confident? And where's that archaeologist you told me about? If we don't really find the City of Gold then I'm walking out, Straw Hat!"

Luffy waved his hand. "I already have six nakama for my own crew besides Zoro and Nami. We all got separated about three years ago, but I know where they all are! So it's just a matter of picking them up along the way to One Piece!"

Buggy shrugged. "Whatever. Let's just set sail. I don't want to dock here another day. Those villagers have been getting pretty restless, and with us all this drunk, I'm not sure we'd be able to hold them off."

"I could knock them all out without blinking, and you know that! But yeah, let's get going! There's someone really cool on the next island! Nami, take us out!"

Nami complied, looking very pleased. She got 7 million Beri after paying for Luffy's punch and claiming Buggy's treasure. "Very well. The bearing is West South West. Our destination: Legendary Treasure Island!"

"WHAT? But anyone that sets foot there will face God's anger!" Buggy protested.

Luffy just grinned. "You let me worry about that, Buggy! You just work on clearing some space on your ship! We're going to be picking up some passengers on the island!"

Buggy hung his head. "Just like Roger. I can't tell if you're being mysterious or stupid!"

"Whatever. Let's go!" Luffy shouted as he left Orange Town with the first addition to his Armada sailing behind him. And pretty soon Richie would have some friends to play with! This was so awesome! Why hadn't he done this the first time? Oh yeah, they were bad guys. Well, that was different now! Thank God for time travel!

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**Don't worry, fight scenes are coming soon. Read and review, of course!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Damn! Over 500 views in three days! That's more than I expected. I hope not to disappoint and to accrue many more. And now, on to Usopp!**

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A week after Luffy had set off from Dawn Island, its namesake was just blooming over the horizon. The Buggy Pirates, nestled in their hammocks within the Big Top, were dreaming sweet dreams without care. A chorus of snores, gargles, and mutterings provided a background track to the charming picture of a hundred men of questionable hygiene laying in various states of repose, with the odd stuffed animal and snot bubble here and there. A somewhat crude but heartwarming scene of nautical relaxation. A scene that was broken in an instant by the 100+ decibel shout of Monkey D. Luffy.

" _ALL HANDS ON DECK! SHOW SOME LEG, SAILORS! SCURRY! MOVEMENT! MOVEMENT! I WANT MOVEMENT! MACH SCHNELL, SLEEPYHEADS!_ "

Yanked from sleep, the drowsy men fell back on the fear and conditioning that had already built up over the past five days. There was a veritable stampede as every man rushed to get on deck. Luffy spurned them on with more eardrum-shattering commands. In less than a minute, every clown was up on deck, shivering but at attention.

Luffy walked calmly along the deck, surveying the ranks. He came to a stop, and smiled. "Gentlemen," he started, "you've really impressed me over the past few days. So I've decided that you've all earned a day off."

"Really?" one of them asked, visibly brightening.

Luffy slowly walked over to the one who spoke, ignoring or uncaring of how every man visibly tensed as he passed. Coming to a halt in front of the speaker, Luffy reached out a hand and placed it comfortingly on his shoulder. He leaned forward, like he was about to tell a secret, and the man leant forward too.

" _HELL NO!_ " Luffy shouted right in his face, spraying him with spittle. "You're all a bunch of jokes! None of you would last one second, _one second_ , against any REAL pirates! If anyone saw you guys in a fight and knew you were part of MY armada, I'd be ashamed! _ASHAMED!_ Do you want that? Would you like to shame me?"

"NO, CAPTAIN LUFFY!" came the thunderous response. Every man looked to be fighting tears, whether of fear, hurt, or self-loathing. Luffy had already strung each of their heartstrings into his own personal fiddle. They would die for him.

"Do you want to make me proud out there, boys?"

"YES, CAPTAIN LUFFY!"

" _THEN START RUNNING! RUN! MOVE! MOVE AS IF THE DEVIL HIMSELF AND ITSELF IS UPON US! RUN FOR YOUR BUMFUCKING LIVES!_ "

In an instant, all the men were running laps around the deck slightly faster than was healthy. Luffy spurned them on with more backhanded compliments. Zoro, listening from the raft far below, merely chuckled before continuing his morning meditation.

Luffy had surprised everyone when he'd woken every single Buggy Pirate up at the crack of dawn right after their party. Any resentment had only multiplied exponentially before dying from exhaustion as Luffy started to put them through the workout of their lives. By Luffy's logic, being part of his armada made them his nakama, even if they weren't on his personal crew. Ergo, he couldn't stand to think of any of them dying. Yet, at their current level, they'd fall like wheat before a sickle against any eight-digit bounty they ran into. So, for their own good, Luffy had to reduce them to quivering puddles of sweat and humiliation. Every morning.

Makes perfect sense, right?

Buggy rubbed his eyes as he walked out on deck from his personal cabin, watching as his 'partner' switched his men to push-ups. He was getting the sense that Luffy has stolen the spotlight of his crew's admiration. He'd probably be more worked up about that if the hat-obsessed young man couldn't kill him with his little finger.

" _PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY! EMBRACE IT! KEEP RIGHT ON GOING, KEVIN! YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF THAT VOMIT! THAT MEANS YOU'RE WORKING HARDER THAN ALL THESE LOSERS! DO YOU WANT TO REMAIN LOSERS, BOYS? OR DO YOU WANT TO BE WINNERS? NO PASSING OUT, CARL! YOU DO THAT IN A FIGHT, YOU'RE DEAD, AND EVERYONE THAT GOES TO HELP YOU IS DEAD! YOU WANT TO KILL YOUR NAKAMA? NO? THEN! KEEP! GOING!_ "

Luffy cleared his throat, then turned to Buggy. "Oh, you're up, partner. Didn't see you there. Have a good night's sleep?"

Buggy only shook his head. "Thank my flashy stars I met your standards. Who knew you were such a closet sadist?"

Luffy frowned. "Hey! I don't LIKE to see them hurting! That's the whole point of doing this, so they won't get hurt when it counts!" Luffy shrugged. "Besides, I'm just training them the way I learned."

"What kind of stone-cold sociopath taught you like this?" Buggy shouted.

"My grandpa," Luffy stated.

Buggy's jaw actually detached. He grabbed it from its floating to reattach it. "You're grandfather treated you like this?" he asked incredulously.

"Yep. He gave me no quarter, and I asked for no quarter!" Luffy quirked his head. "Why am I telling you this? You met him, you ought to know how he's like."

"I mostly certainly have not! I think I'd remember some loud, destructive old geezer." Buggy huffed.

Luffy suppressed a snicker. "Really? Say, Buggy, what's my full name?"

"Monkey D. Luffy," Buggy answered.

"Are you sure you can't remember my grandpa? My name doesn't ring a bell? Perhaps my attitude? Because I'm pretty sure I inherited his smile, obsession with a certain type of food, narcolepsy, and habit of breaking things by accident. Though, unlike me, he doesn't mind getting called a 'hero.'"

Buggy put a hand to his chin, visibly pondering. Luffy was pretty sure he'd already broken a rib keeping in his laughter. Damn, Buggy could be as slow as him sometimes.

Finally, it clicked. "THAT GARP BASTARD IS YOUR GRANDPA?!"

"Shishishishi! Took you long enough!"

All the men stopped their workout to gape at Luffy. A galaxy's worth of stars glowed in their eyes. "Captain Luffy, you're the grandson of Garp the Hero?" Larry asked. The Stooges had gotten a major reputation raise when it came out they'd been the first to get to know Luffy.

Luffy raised a brow. "Did I say you could stop?" While they all had heart attacks, Luffy grinned. "It's okay. It's time for sparring anyway. But yeah, that's gramps." Luffy shrugged, hiding a grin. This was surprisingly fun. He could see how this went to that bastard son's head. "I don't get the big deal, 'cause to me he was always just gramps. Then again, maybe it's because everyone in my family's famous."

Cabaji gulped. "R-really? Who else is in your family?" he asked.

Luffy started counting on his fingers. "Well, my dad is Dragon, though I never actually met him. Then I guess you could call Shanks that favorite uncle you never get to see. Then there's my brothers, Ace and Sabo. Thanks to Ace, if you squint, I guess you could call Whitebeard my step-dad. And I have no idea about my mother's side, but there's probably something over there."

Buggy literally popped out his eyes, polished them, and then put them back in. "Are you saying you have ties to 'the Hero', 'the Revolutionary', his 'Chief of Staff', that blasted 'Red-Hair', AND 'Fire Fist'?"

Luffy grinned. "Yep! So it'd be pretty embarrassing if I don't wind up the Pirate King, wouldn't it? Shishishishi!"

As one, Buggy's crew fell to their knees and began prostrating. "WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!"

Luffy blushed. "Guys, you're embarrassing me! Now cut that out and get into your groups! Remember, this is practice for the Grand Line! So don't pull punches, but don't send anyone to Kadoo either!"

"HAI, LUFFY-SAMA!" they all shouted before breaking up to start sparring.

"Is all the racket really necessary?" came a yawning voice from knee level.

Luffy and Buggy looked down to see Gaimon, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Morning, Gai-sensei," both of them said.

The box-man shivered. "Why is it that every time you say that, I get the urge to style my eyebrow and start shouting about youth? Why do you even call me that?"

"Gai is shorter than Gaimon, so it's easier to say, and you're supposed to flashily respect your elders, so we call you sensei," Buggy explained as if it would be obvious to a 3-year old.

"So, how're all my pets?" Luffy asked.

Gaimon rolled his eyes. "Still adjusting to being on a ship. The Torbull especially doesn't like it. She's all cramped because of her size. And the Panbat can't find a decent spot to avoid all the sunlight. Remind me why I agreed to this."

Luffy grinned. "Because I asked you to be my zookeeper, and I refused your refusal until you stopped bothering."

"Right. How could I forget?" the box-man asked sarcastically, hiding his grin beneath the lip of his chest. It was really just great to be back on the open sea.

After the two-day journey to Forbidden Treasure Island, Luffy had led the safari inward, followed reluctantly by the Buggy Pirates. They had been understandably freaked out when they came across the odd hybrid animals of the island. Then the 'god of the forest' had made his threats against them. Luffy had called the bluff, and after bouncing back the shot of a pistol, had reached out and grabbed the odd 'bush' and brought it into the light.

After the obligatory 'son-in-a-box' jokes, Gaimon had reluctantly revealed his story. How he had come to the island twenty years earlier looking for the treasure. Just as his crew had been leaving he'd had the idea to check the top of a nearby hill. After catching a tantalizing glimpse of five treasure chests, he'd slipped and fallen right into an empty chest and gotten stuck. Abandoned by his crew and unable to climb the hill again, he'd spent the intervening two decades bonding with the animals and guarding the treasure.

Buggy and his crew were crying rivers by the end, lamenting the tragedy of their fellow pirate. Luffy, ever looking to cause a laugh, had asked "You mean these chests?" and indicated the five he'd napped off the hill and brought back faster than anyone saw.

After everyone had landed back on the ground, Gaimon had eagerly opened the first one. His face had fallen when he'd seen it was empty. He didn't even bother with the other four. He hung his head and said he'd always half-suspected this was the case. Buggy had literally fallen to pieces, crying over the tragedy. Greedy sadist he might be, he was as human as Shanks when it came to sad stories… about people he actually liked.

Luffy had laughed and pointed out how it was best that they'd shown up when they had. Gaimon could have easily spent the next thirty years waiting and died without getting closure. There'd been a mixture of laughter and tears at that. Then Luffy had announced that he thought the animals really cool, proclaimed them his pets, and declared Gaimon his official zookeeper to help take care of them while they traveled the Grand Line.

Luckily Buggy, being as flashy as he was, had decided on a ship that was slightly too big for the actual size of his crew. All the free space was designated to the unique animals. Before Gaimon could even say yes, they were already throwing a party to celebrate. After draining all of Gaimon's home-brewed stores and laughing at the drunk antics of the animals around the bonfire, Nami had declared Syrup Village in the Gecko Islands their next destination. By her estimate, they should make landfall before lunch that day.

Luffy cleared his throat. "So, are the other animals cool with Richie?"

"Oh, sure. They love making friends."

"And are you practicing with your pistols? You need to be able to protect my pets when we're fighting off a Buster Call or a Sea King nest or whatever else might happen to us."

Gaimon sweatdropped. "I sincerely hope it never comes to that, but yes. I'm getting much better at my aim. And I should be able to sneak up on people since anyone that sees me will think I'm a potted plant. Plus, I think Richie is teaching some of his tricks to the animals, so they shouldn't be helpless."

Luffy frowned. "Sometimes I get the feeling that Richie is smarter than Mohji. Is that just me?"

Buggy patted him on the shoulder. "You aren't alone, my flashy companion. But none of us mention it, since it would just hurt his feelings. In any case, he's handy to have at parties. He attracts all the weirdoes and leaves the pretty ones for the rest of us."

They were broken by the sound of a rockslide. Everyone turned to see a far-off atoll crumbling to very geometric pieces. Seconds later, the sound of a fist hitting an ironclad skull filled the air.

"Damn it, Zoro! No destroying random islands!" Nami shouted.

"It was a fucking outcropping, witch! And how else am I going to maintain my edge?"

The swordsman's answer was another punch.

"Does she even realize that her punches are filled with Armament?" Buggy asked Luffy in a whisper, as if afraid Nami would hear him from fifty meters and three stories away.

"I don't think so, but it doesn't matter. She's too much of a scaredy-cat to use it in a fight. She sticks to her staff and other tricks," Luffy answered, just as quietly.

After another hour of well-intentioned torture, Luffy declared the Buggy Pirates done for the day. The skeleton crew elected to keep the ship running in the right direction didn't know whether to be glad or disappointed they'd gotten a bye today; that was how deeply Luffy had inspired them all. Heck, he called them all by NAME! Not even Captain Buggy did that!

Luffy hopped down to the raft that was 'leading' the Big Top. Zoro and Nami had declared a temporary truce. Keeping his voice low, Luffy said "So am I the only one scared out of my appetite about docking?"

Nami raised a brow. "What are you talking about?"

Zoro shook his head. "Nope. I'm not sure we'll even make it all the way to the coast."

"I ask again, what are you talking about?!" Nami didn't like being ignored.

Luffy gave her a look. "Nami, it's Usopp. _Our_ Usopp. Our paranoid, devious, genius, overreacting Usopp, who's going to see Buggy's ship coming from miles and hours away. Imagine the greeting that's waiting for us on that beach."

Nami did… and started shivering like Brook had slashed her. "God help us all."

Luffy gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "I'm hoping he'll see us and realize everything's fine, but he's going to be confused about Buggy. He might think we're hostages, or maybe he'll really freak out and think we're bad guys now. I'm just really hoping he'll give us a chance to talk before he starts sniping us."

"We'll, you're okay since you're bulletproof, but I don't think I can slice all his shots if I have to protect our 'partners' too." Zoro sighed. "I don't suppose you can just knock him out and we'll talk to him when he wakes up?"

Luffy shook his head. "Usopp's as crazy as the rest of us, deep down. You saw him during our duel over Merry. I'm not sure I _could_ beat him in a battle of wills. And keep in mind that he'll probably have those little kids with him. If I push hard enough to overcome him, I won't be able to confine it to just him. I'd break their minds like glass, so that option's out."

"Couldn't we just use the other beach?" Nami asked hopefully.

"You think he'd make that mistake again?"

She hung her head. "No. God I don't know what's worse: the ambush we're probably walking into or the fact you saw it coming before I did."

Luffy huffed. "Yes, I'm not clueless and slow as a snail anymore. I realize it's a shift, but you've got to get over it. If it's any consolation, I've going to probably get bored out of my mind until at least Skypeia and do something stupid for the hell of it."

"It's not. The exact opposite, in fact," Nami muttered.

"Land ho!" came the shout from Buggy's look-out (his name was Hiro, if Luffy remembered right).

They looked up to see their marksman's homeland in the distance.

"Well, let's hope we all live long enough to have a reunion."

* * *

In the best time possible considering they had a headwind and the Big Top was a big lumbering hulk, the Straw Hat Armada made landfall on the shore of Gecko Island. It bore mentioning that if you were positioned at just the right spot on the cliff looking down, then you couldn't see the raft. The anchor was tossed, but no other movement happened. Luffy and his crew didn't even step off. The two ships just sat there, doing nothing.

A breeze whistled past.

"It's quiet," Buggy finally said. "Too quiet."

"I'm getting an odd feeling," Mohji thought aloud. "It's as if a wild tiger just rode a hurricane over my grave. It's quite strange."

"Every facet of this scene is peaceful—the sand, the trees, the cliffs—and yet I find myself profoundly terrified," said Cabaji.

"Damn, he outdid himself." You couldn't miss the grudging respect in Zoro's tone.

Unaware of the danger, and fed up with just staying still, the Three Stooges hopped over the railing. "What're you all waiting for? Let's get moving!" Larry shouted.

"Into the Valley of Death rode the 600," Luffy muttered. And yes, poetry was part of his training. Don't ask why, you're not ready.

Moe, Larry, and Shemp each made one step from where they'd landed. Just one step.

Larry leapt ten feet in the hair, howling in pain and clutching his foot. His cries only got louder when he fell and seemed to have some kind of seizure. The watching crew flinched as his flailing revealed the countless makibishi hidden under the sand under him.

Moe gave a very girlish shriek as the ground gave out beneath him. There was a distinct whistling of falling a great distance, before a muffled thump marked he'd finally reached the bottom of the trap hole. "…Really quite filthy down here," came his echoing voice a couple seconds later.

Shemp was encompassed in a green cloud as the mine he stepped on went off. He was hidden from view for a second before he fell out, stiff as a board, to land face-first in the sand. Those downwind of a sudden breeze gagged as the single most repulsive smell they'd ever experienced attacked their nostrils.

"What the hell?" Buggy cried.

Luffy gave a nervous chuckle. "Confession time. One of my nakama is here. He knew we were coming, but he didn't know we'd be bringing you, and he's a bit paranoid so he probably, you know… booby-trapped every inch of this beach."

Buggy tugged at his tassels. "You are the single most infuriating person I've ever met! Everyone and everything you touch seems designed to drive me insane! Who the heck kind of person would do this over unexpected guests?! Why the hell did I even agree to this?"

"Because I offered a bag of carrots and showed you how big my stick is. And if you'd quiet down, I believe we're about to be treated to an introduction!"

As if on cue, a smoke bomb went off at the top of the cliff. There was a sudden clatter of firecrackers and what sounded like three young boys playing a variety of brass instruments. Then, with a burst of flame…

… A GLOWING HEAD APPEARED AMIDST OF THE SMOKE!

"AHH! A GHOST!" screamed the Buggy Pirates.

The head, which was a bit blurry but seemed to have a remarkably long nose, opened its mouth and out came a voice like metal getting torn apart.

" _ **BEHOLD! I AM USOPP! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL! THE VERY HEAVENS CREAK BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF MY MIGHT, FOR I AM THE 'GOD' OF ALL PIRATES!"**_

"Sweet escrow, he's gotten even worse," Nami hissed.

"Let him have his fun," Zoro bit back.

" _ **I HAVE BESTOWED MY GRACE UPON THIS ISLAND! SET EVEN ONE FOOT UPON IT, AND YOU SHALL FACE A HELL OF MY OWN DEVISING! BEGONE FROM HERE, OR I SHALL CURSE THY JOLLY ROGER SO THAT YOU SHALL FOREVER BE HOUNDED BY MARINES AND BEREFT OF TREASURE! LEAVE NOW BEFORE MY PATIENCE REACHES ITS END"**_

"Hai, Usopp-sama! Captain Buggy, let's get out of here!" Mohji begged of his captain in tears, alongside half the crew. The other half were either performing a medley of rituals to ward off bad luck or cowering in the corner.

Buggy rolled his eyes. "Oi! I've been told about you! I know this is all an act, though I don't know how you're doing the head, so why don't you just come out—"

The clown captain's speech was cut off as there was a blinding flash and burst of sound, almost as if there were a lightning bolt. When their eyes cleared, Buggy's crew gaped. Their captain, clearly passed out, was smoky-black, and giving off little bits of electricity. Trailing steam, he collapsed back.

"AH! CAPTAIN BUGGY!"

" _ **WITNESS THE FATE OF THOSE THAT DEFY MY DIVINE WILL! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING! CAST OFF AND BE AWAY LEST I BRING DOWN MY WRATH UPON YOU ALL! SUCH IS WITHIN MY POWER, FOR I AM THE 'GOD' USOPP!"**_

"Wah! Let's get out of here!" Mohji yelled.

Luffy grinned. Well, that was long enough. Time to stop humoring his nakama. And he knew just how to alleviate the tension in his second crew. "Wow!" Luffy shouted in an overdone childish voice. "That was even cooler than Franky's beam!"

" _ **BLASPHEMY! THERE IS NOTHING COOLER THAN THE BEAM!"**_ shouted the floating head. Then it blinked. _**"WAIT, WHAT?"**_

Luffy hopped forward to land on the beach, so he wasn't in the shadow of the Big Top anymore. By some miracle, he didn't seem to set off any traps. "Nice job, Usopp! Glad to see you haven't lost your touch! Guess an extra three years of practice got you even better at lying!"

" _ **Luffy?"**_ 'God' asked, suddenly very quiet.

Zoro smirked and strode forward, also avoiding any danger areas. "Not bad, Sogeking. You might have to recreate this course when we get the Sunny again. I could use some good positioning and dodging training."

"You better have my Clima-Tact ready! I'm sick of this pathetic little staff!" Nami shouted. She elected to stay on the boat, for the simple reason that she didn't have Observation to help her avoid the minefield her fellow coward had constructed.

" _ **Zoro? Nami? Wait, what's going on?"**_

Cabaji peeked over the rail. "Are Captain Luffy, Zoro-sensei and Nami-sama intimidating the God?"

"So cool!" the crew shouted under their breath. No need to draw attention from the scary god, right?

" _ **You remember? It wasn't a dream? I didn't fool myself with my own lie?"**_ 'God' asked, sounding very timid and hopeful.

Luffy frowned. "You couldn't make up a story as crazy as our whole adventure on your best day and you know it! Yes, we remember too! Now get out here so we can hug and play tag with Zoro like old times!"

There was a rustling in the bushes at the cliff edge and the floating head jiggled then vanished. Then out popped a young man holding a bull horn. For a brief second, the Buggy Pirates had the chance to look at him. He wore overalls with boots over an impressive if streamlined body, like a serious runner that did a little lifting. He had a hat plopped over a mess of black curls that was almost an afro and a green slingshot hanging from a belt. His face was unremarkable except for oversized lips and a nose that would have looked like a prop if it wasn't the exact same shade as his skin.

Then he vanished in a blur, a blur that moved down the cliff and over the sand towards Luffy. In its wake, snares pulled up, steel traps shut, a log swung on a rope to impact the cliff, spiked pits opened, and a few more explosions, both incendiary and olfactory, went off. None of them impeded the blur.

It wasn't Observation. Usopp was just that freaking fast.

The Buggy crew blinked, only to turn their heads to see the 'God' jumping and laughing with their other captain like a little kid. They then started poking Zoro over and over, insisting he play tag. When the stoic greenhead refused to budge, 'God' snatched his swords and ran away. With a roar, Zoro raced after, Luffy hot on his heels, laughing up a storm. They all avoided the numerous hidden surprises as if they were as threatening as bubbles or flower petals.

"Um… what's going on?" Mohji asked.

Gaimon stepped forward. "You fell for that? After going through the same trick with me? I mean, sure, that long-nosed kid's performance as a lot better, but that worked for you guys?"

The circus of clowns spent the next minute stewing in their own humiliation.

"Enough messing around!" Nami shouted, downing the men with her special brand of 'persuasion'.

"Oh, come on, Nami! We haven't seen each other in years!" Luffy whined.

Usopp quirked his head. "Is it wrong that I actually kind of missed this searing pain in my skull?"

"That's what I thought!"

Zoro took the moment to snatch his swords from where Usopp had dropped them. "Do that again, and nakama or not, I _will_ cut you!"

"Y-Yes, sir!" Usopp shouted, suddenly sweating. "Don't know what came over me." Calming down, Usopp turned to Luffy, keeping half an eye on the Big Top. "So, um, care to explain why you showed up with the Buggy Pirates in tow?"

"Shishishishi! I decided we'd be the Straw Hat Armada this time around! Buggy's our nakama now!"

"Eh?! What? Didn't he try to execute you at Loguetown?" Usopp asked accusingly.

"Didn't Franky's guys beat you to a pulp?" Luffy fired back.

Usopp faltered. "Well, yeah. But I forgave him for that! And the money went to building Sunny anyway."

Luffy nodded. "See, enemies don't have to stay enemies! Sometimes they can become nakama! And I figure that the more nakama we have this time, the less likely we'll go through something like that thing that landed us here."

"Because we won't even get that far. We'll get wasted by Sengoku himself if they start thinking you're the next Whitebeard. But you're going to do it anyway so I'm just going to focus on sucking as much gold from our new subordinates as possible to build a secret hide-away when I escape." Nami's tone was only half-joking.

"Old man Whitebeard doesn't have all the Admirals after him every day! And you know why? Because he's crazy strong and all of his nakama are too! So they don't bother and keep waiting for him to slip. It'll be the same for us! Sure, it'll take a while to get Buggy and all the other guys who join up to our level, and our reputation won't get scary until Enies Lobby, but we can definitely last that long!" Luffy pounded his fist. "Actually, it might be even sooner! Zoro might beat Mihawk this time! When it gets out he's part of a crew, we'll be world-famous overnight!"

"They don't go after Whitebeard because he hides in the New World and even the Marines can't beat Mother Nature's acid trips of weather in that ocean! If Zoro beats Mihawk and we're only in Paradise, they'd empty Marineford coming after us! And the new guys wouldn't be strong enough to help by then!" Nami turned to point imperiously at Zoro. "Zoro, you are not allowed to fight Mihawk when we meet him at the Baratie. Understand?"

Zoro narrowed his eyes. "Not even if Luffy ordered me, witch. I'll never willingly throw a fight, and I've spent my life preparing to beat him. I'm not wasting a golden opportunity just because it'd be inconvenient to you."

"It's be HAZARDOUS to ALL OF US!" she screamed. "Back me up, Usopp! You must see this is crazy too!"

Usopp shivered. "Um, I have to side with Zoro on this one."

"WHAT?!" Nami blurted, looking shocked and betrayed.

"A man's pride won't allow him to let a chance to reach his dream pass by unacknowledged. That duel has been ordained by Heaven itself, and this time Zoro isn't going to get toyed with. He's going to show Mihawk his strength, and it'll be a glorious fight to the death! And I'm 49.3 % sure that he'll win if he's as strong as he was at Dressrosa."

Zoro quirked his brow. "Not even a coin toss. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Usopp. And for the record, I'm even better this time around. I could cut steel by the time I was 17."

Nami looked like she was trying to pull out her hair. "Even Usopp! Is idiocy a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome?"

"I dunno, ask Chopper when we meet him," Luffy said. "Now, let's introduce Usopp to the clowns!"

So saying, Luffy grabbed his sniper and stretched over to the Big Top. Cabaji cleared his throat as his captain landed in front of him arm in arm with the 'God' that had been threatening them a few minutes ago. "What's going on, Captain Luffy?"

Luffy laughed. "Sorry about all that. I just wanted to let Usopp have his fun. He protects his hometown from other pirates, and he didn't know you guys are with me. He's my sniper. That makes him your nakama too!"

"Ah. That makes sense, I guess. Congratulations on such a 'flashy' performance," Buggy's First Mate said.

"Well, then, let me be the first to say hello," said Gaimon, offering a hand.

Usopp jumped and hid behind Luffy. "What's that?! Is it a son-in-a-box?"

A few snickers sounded from Buggy's crew while the box-man shouted "OH COME ON! THAT JOKE GOT OLD SO LONG AGO!"

Luffy chuckled. "Usopp, this is Gaimon. You know, from that mystery island on the way here? Well, it had a lot of interesting animals on it, so I made them my pets, and brought Gaimon along to help take care of them."

"Oh. Well then, nice to meet you too."

Mohji contemplated the warzone that was the beach. "So, you set up all those traps yourself? Dude, that's impressive."

Usopp blushed and rubbed his nose. "Well, I can't claim all the credit. I had some help from some friends of mine…" He trailed off as he turned his head to look at the cliff. "Luffy, are they still there?"

"Nope." Luffy popped the 'p' with his lips.

"Oh well. They're probably only running through town shouting I've been captured by pirates."

"Isn't that a bad thing?" one of Buggy's crew asked.

"Ah, that's the other thing. Usopp here is a compulsive liar. He goes through the town every day shouting 'pirates are coming' in order to shake things up. Thing is, he's been on lots of crazy adventures with us, so sometimes it's hard to tell which of his stories aren't true," Luffy explained. He didn't mention how some of the blatant lies Usopp told magically turned out to be real, like the giant goldfish at Little Garden. Luffy secretly suspected Usopp just might be the god he claimed and pretended to be pathetic as part of a test.

Luffy might have been abused into being smart, but nothing would ever cure his gullibility.

Usopp laughed. "Well, I'm pretty convincing! If we're all nakama now, maybe we can make it a game for parties. I tell a tale, people guess if it's real or fake, and if they guess wrong they have to drink."

"Um, Usopp-sama?" asked Thomas, aka ship extra #3. "If you're not a god, how'd you smite Captain Buggy?" He poked his still-steaming captain with a toe.

Usopp sweatdropped. "Ah. That was my Kaminari Boshi (Lightning Star). I found a material that holds a charge, filled it up with a generator I threw together, and coated it in an insulator that breaks under pressure. Truth be told, today was a field test. Looks like I might have overdone it. Though I figured the infamous Buggy the Clown would be able to handle a few volts."

The crew gulped. This guy might not be as physically intimidating as Zoro or Nami, but he was clearly powerful enough to be part of Luffy's core crew. A mad scientist that made his own bullets and managed to hit a man from cover on a windy day with just a slingshot was pretty intimidating.

"So, anyway, we're going to go into town to have lunch and catch up. Do you guys have a big tent?"

Cabaji sweatdropped at the seeming non sequitur. "Um, yes. We use it for when it rains whenever we set up base."

"Great! So here's my plan. You guy's pretend to be a traveling circus and set up in town. Just act like it's a party and you should be entertaining enough. Plus Gaimon could set up a petting zoo for all our pets. As long as no one sees Buggy or you guys say something stupid, we get to remain inconspicuous _and_ make money!"

"Right away, Captain Luffy!" the crew shouted.

As Luffy and Usopp hopped off the ship, the sniper turned to look at him. "That… was a pretty smart idea. Are you sure you're Luffy?"

The captain sighed. "Jeez, I'm going to get this from everyone, aren't I? Help me revive the Stooges and I'll tell you on the way. After you hear from Zoro and Nami, we need to talk about something important."

After Usopp apologized to Moe, Larry, and Shemp and they brushed it off as their own impatience, the Straw Hat crew made their way to Syrup Village. By the time they reached the town's only restaurant, the sniper had been filled in on his nakama's revised pre-crew life. They cut off the future talk when they walked inside, to be met by the veggie trio bugging the owner.

"Please! You must help! Captain Usopp has been captured!" they were shouting, oddly in synch.

"If Usopp-kun has been captured, how come he's right behind you?" the grandfatherly man said over the young boys' pleading.

The three turned to see their captain safe and sound. "Captain Usopp! We thought you'd been captured!" they shouted in unison. Like, down to the lip movements. It was a bit creepy.

Usopp chuckled. "Did you three doubt your Captain Usopp? I wasn't captured by pirates, I'm parleying with them. We're going to iron out the details over lunch. Just go home and have lunch and don't worry about that ship."

"Wow, Captain Usopp is so awesome! Okay, goodbye!"

Nami watched them as they left. "Were they always that… synchronized?"

Usopp shrugged. "I don't know what happened. I think I made an off-hand comment about how speaking in unison is cool, and ever since they've been side characters in a horror story. I guess it served as a lesson on how much change a little thing can do. That's why other than running for training instead of fun, I've tried to stick as close to the 'original' as possible."

"I'm glad to hear you say that," Luffy said after telling a passing waitress to empty the meat locker. "Usopp, I've got a plan. And I want you to listen all the way through before you say no. If you still disagree after hearing everything, I won't do it. Promise?"

"Okay?" Usopp answered, looking confused.

"If you didn't want to change anything, I take it you haven't murdered the bastard butler in his sleep?"

"I can't say I wasn't tempted, but no. Why?"

Luffy took a breath. "I want to make the Black Cat crew part of the Armada. You promised!" Luffy cut off Usopp as he opened his mouth. Looking almost as mad as when he'd been told they were getting a new ship, the sniper slowly closed his mouth. You could hear his teeth grinding. "Look, we're still going to bash the butler's skull in. I probably should have led with that. What I meant was I'm going to make a deal with that hypnotist guy. Kuro gave up the sea, so as far as I'm concerned, he's not really the captain. The hypnotist is. He's mostly following Kuro because he's scared stiff of him. I'll make a deal saying our crew could beat his, and I could beat Kuro without even trying. I'll give myself some ridiculous handicap to make it obvious how much stronger I am. If we win, then he and his crew have to swear loyalty to me. There's no chance we can lose, but I'll give him some terms anyway. Usopp, I know you hate them and don't want to sail with them. But if you think about it, the crew never actually _did_ anything to your village. I mean, they tried, but they were following orders. And the hypnotist gave those orders because Kuro told him to and he thinks if he doesn't obey he'll get sliced up like a scratching post. Since we're still beating up Kuro, I really don't see why you couldn't sail with them after already forgiving Robin and Franky. What do you think?"

There was a tense minute of silence. Nami bit her cheek. Why did Luffy have to make everything so complicated?

"… If you want to make them our nakama, I take it we aren't killing or maiming any of the pirates while we wait for Kuro to show up tomorrow." Usopp's tone was carefully neutral.

"Ideally, no."

"Zoro, can you cut someone in a way so they feel a lot of pain but aren't actually in danger of dying?"

"If I wanted to."

"Nami, you can't actually kill anyone with your lightning, right?"

"Not with the original model, no."

"… I get to use them as target practice. Luffy, you're training them, you can call it dodging exercise."

"Yatta! You're okay with it!" Luffy gave a sigh of relief. "Well, now it's time to go ask your girlfriend for a ship."

Usopp's eyes extended two feet from their sockets as he threw his arms back in an awkward pose. "How'd you know?"

Luffy quirked a brow. "What do you mean? I was making a joke."

Nami leaned forward, smelling dirt. "Well, well, well! Has our favorite coward worked up the courage to tell the heiress how he really feels? You only talked about how beautiful she was every time you got drunk."

Usopp blushed the color of Chopper's top hat. "… Maybe."

Zoro raised a brow. "You tap that?"

Nami narrowed her eyes. "I thought you didn't care about any of that 'perverted' stuff. That's what you keep saying to Sanji anyway."

"I don't. Women are a distraction. But it's part of the bro code to ask."

"Wow, I didn't know you could go that color," Luffy noted. Nami turned to see Usopp so red he was approaching maroon.

"Oh my god! Did you?" she asked.

Usopp seemed to try to swallow his lips, but then the words burst out. "Yes, okay! I got to be her friend before her parents died, and we got really close. Then the day of the funeral I went to visit her, and she was crying so I hugged her and she said she felt so alone and I said I'd be there for her and I loved her and she said it back and she started kissing me and… it kind of just… happened!"

Luffy tilted his head. "So you're a dad now?"

Usopp almost seemed to have a heart attack. "What? No! She didn't get pregnant, thank god, and she's been drinking special tea since we started."

The captain tilted his head. "I thought that's how babies get made. Gramps and Dadan told me if I did that to a girl she'd have a baby. Why didn't it work?"

Nami sweatdropped. "Okay, so your education didn't cover sex ed. Luffy, a woman doesn't get pregnant every time she and a guy do 'that'. It has to happen at the right time, and there are ways to stop it from working."

"Really? Then when does it happen?" Luffy asked, in the way that was adorable in kids and just plain weird in anyone else.

Nami's cheeks got a light dusting of pink. "Um, remember how I got extra grumpy for a couple days each month?"

"Yeah."

"That was my body telling me I missed a chance to get pregnant. A girl has to do unprotected 'stuff' a little bit before that time starts if she wants to have a baby."

"Oh." Luffy frowned, before his face transformed into a mournful pout. "Oh, man, so Hancock wasn't trying to chain me down. We actually could have had fun! Aw, that sucks!"

"You mean Boa Hancock? That chick you spent the two years with?" Zoro asked, feeling like this conversation could not have taken a weirder twist.

"Yeah. She was always asking me to marry her, which I thought meant have kids and I swore I'd never have kids if I had to leave them like Ace's and Usopp's and my dad did. Plus I couldn't ask her to be my nakama since she had her own crew already, so I never let anything happen. But I guess we could have done all the stuff she kept asking if there's ways to stop it. Geez, missed opportunity."

Nami gave him a 'look'. "The Pirate Empress, the most beautiful woman in the world, was bugging _you_ for sex?"

"Every day. And it felt really nice when she gave me a bath that one time, especially when she washed my mushroom. She seemed really happy when I returned the favor. She kept mewling like a cat! I got a lot of weird feelings, especially when I washed her boobs, but I wouldn't marry her so I didn't do anything. But now you say I could have! Well, I guess I'll just make her part of the Armada. Heck if she sails with us I could marry her anyway. Babies are cute. Smelly, but that doesn't last forever. Hey, do you think Franky could find room to make a nursery in Sunny? Actually, we're making it bigger anyway, so never mind."

"You've created a monster," Usopp accused Nami, his eye twitching like a Tourette's sufferer. "Sidebar, do you think Chopper has a medicine to make you forget traumatic memories?"

"God, I hope so," she moaned, each word punctuated by a knock of her head against the table.

Zoro made a 'hmm' sound. "So he's not asexual, just has strong morals. The cook owes me money."

"You mean he owes me money. Your debt's astronomical by now, I could sell you and you'd still owe me," Nami corrected.

Zoro's brow twitched as one of his secret fears was realized. "You're charging me for a loan you technically haven't even given yet!"

"Technically, tough."

Usopp cleared his throat as he stood up. "Right~! How about we go ask Kaya for Merry before Zoro commits nakama-cide or Luffy mentally scars us again?"

Leaving behind the mound of dishes that had been demolished between sentences, the Straw Hat crew left the restaurant and made their way towards the mansion on the hill. As opposed to Luffy's rather rude entrance the first time, Usopp showed them the secret hole in the hedge. Usopp climbed the tree while the others waited patiently at the base. He knocked on the window, which was flung open in seconds.

"Usopp-kun!"

Nami was surprised. The 'last' time she'd seen Kaya, the heiress had been a sickly pale, with a sort of frailty to her that had only slightly vanished by the time she'd seen them off. The girl she saw had skin of honey and seemed to glow from within.

"Hi, Kaya-chan," Usopp answered, an involuntary smile lighting up his face. His whole posture changed, losing the constant weight of fear, his face clearing of the lines caused by his never ending stream of thoughts. Just hearing and seeing her seemed to make him feel at peace.

'Damn, they've got it bad,' she thought.

"So, are you going to tell me some more stories today? Or do you want to… make some of our own?" she asked coyly, reaching out a hand to stroke Usopp's pecs.

Usopp blushed and coughed. "A-actually, Kaya-chan, I came to introduce you to my crew."

Kaya frowned. "Usopp-kun, I've already met Carrot, Pepper, and Onion."

"Not them, Kaya-chan! My _real_ crew!" Usopp moved aside and pointed down at the unintended audience. "See? That's Luffy and Zoro and Nami! Just like I told you! I said they'd come back for me."

Kaya gaped. "Wow! They look just like you described! So you really were telling the truth?"

Usopp frowned. "Babe, I lie a lot to a lot of people. But I promised I'd never lie to you, and I meant it."

Kaya's face fell. "Sorry for doubting you. Do you forgive me, Gatsby?"

"Of course I do, Daisy," Usopp said right away, looking guilty he made her feel guilty.

"Kiss and make up?" she asked hopefully.

"Works for me," he teased, leaning forward to give her a solid peck on the face. It looked like he moved to pull back, but she reached up a hand to hold his head in place. A minute later, she was still going. Her hand was curling into his hair.

Nami looked sidelong at her nakama. "Luffy. Go 'ahem'!"

"Ahem?" Luffy did on reflex, like a dog given a command.

Kaya pulled back, looking properly abashed. "I'm sorry!"

"I'm not," Usopp muttered. His eyes looked a bit crossed.

Kaya fiddled with her dress. "So," she started, "Did you really sail into the Florian Triangle with Usopp-kun where you met a living skeleton that became your musician and got into a fight with an army of zombies led by Gecko Moria?"

"Among other things," Zoro answered.

"I kicked that weirdo's ass good! Him and that zombie that acted just like me!" Luffy gloated.

"He had this stupid idea that if we all stood on each other's shoulder, we'd get stronger or something," Nami recalled. "Robin told me about it later, said it was the most embarrassing thing you guys ever did."

"Hey! The 'Big Emperor' would have been awesome! If Robin had just docked on, she'd have seen that!" Usopp protested loudly.

"And that musician was friends with that giant whale at the start of the Grand Line? And in that whale's stomach lived the doctor that looked like a flower?" Kaya continued.

"Yes and yes!" Luffy confirmed.

"And you all almost got killed by a Marine ambush in the New World and escaped into Vegapunk's secret lab and got sent back in time by an experiment?"

Nami's jaw dropped. "You told her that?!"

Usopp sweatdropped. "I tell her everything."

"What's going on here?" came a rude, pretentious voice.

"Klahadore!" Kaya exclaimed.

"Okay, not everything," Usopp added on.

The crew turned, and sure enough, Kuro was walking towards them. Thin as a rake, with odd striped shoes and two tassels on his black dress coat that looked like piles of poo. His glasses slipped a little and he reached up to adjust them with the bottom of his heel, keeping his fingers far away from his face.

"Might I ask why you're all trespassing?" he asked in the most condescending tone the human throat can produce.

Luffy grinned. They needed to have the dawn confrontation to make the plan work. But he'd forever hate himself if he didn't take this opportunity.

"Well, a black cat crossed our path so we took the long way to avoid it and wound up cutting through the mansion."

"Right after we had a purr-fect lunch, too," Nami added, catching on.

"You can never be too careful with cats. You let them in one day out of pity and three years later they're running things." Zoro commented.

"Funny thing about cats. You let them out of a bag and they scratch everything around them. Even their own kittens," Luffy remarked sagely.

Usopp gave a nervous chuckle. "Perhaps it's best not to piss them off in the first place, don't you think?"

"Oh, you're just being a pussy, Usopp!" Zoro called out.

Kuro, who had been twitching like he was having a seizure, turned his attention on Usopp. "Ah, Usopp. I've heard about you. You're quite famous in the village… for being a dirty liar!"

"Oh come on! You can't resent me for the occasional tall tail!" Usopp grimaced. 'Okay, that one's on me.'

Looking like he had sniffed on of Big Mam's farts, Kuro said "Well, it's no wonder you lie so much. I can only imagine how horrible it must be to be the son of a filthy pirate. Of course you'd try to deny reality when it's been so cruel to you."

"Klahadore! That's enough!" Kaya protested. Unlike before, when it was little better than whining, this was unmistakably a command.

For a split-second, one could see murderous rage. Then it vanished behind the façade of the perfect servant. "My apologies, young heiress. But as your butler, it is my job to protect you from unsavory characters like these people."

"Hey, Kaya's not some porcelain doll! She can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants!" Usopp protested, getting some sparkly eyes from Kaya. "Besides, I'm PROUD to be the son of Yasopp. How many people can say they have an officer of a Yonko for a parent?"

Kuro's eyes widened for a second before returning to normal contemptuous narrowing. "Ah, I see. If you can't bring yourself to lie about him not being your father, you'll lie and try to make him more impressive. As if someone that powerful spawned a coward like you."

"Actually, he's telling the truth. The Red-Hair Pirates hid in my hometown when I was a kid. Yasopp was the best sharpshooter in the crew, and he kept talking about the son he'd been forced to leave behind. If you don't believe me, he gave me this hat. And he lost his left arm protecting me, and you can check the timing to see if it checks out if you're that skeptical. Usopp's the carrier of a proud legacy!" Luffy spoke up in defense of his crew mate.

Kuro gave Luffy a 'look' before scoffing. "Like I care. Now, please leave the grounds before I'm forced to call the guards."

"That won't be necessary," Kaya said. "They were just leaving. I've decided to go on a walk and they offered to escort me."

Kuro's brow furrowed. "Young heiress, I really don't think—"

"What you think is irrelevant, Klahadore. You are my valet, not my keeper. I don't need your permission to leave the grounds or associate with people."

Nami rose a brow. 'Damn, she's grown a backbone. What happened to that delicate wallflower?'

Despite repeated protests from Kuro, Kaya was shortly leaving through the gate alongside the Straw Hat crew with a light jacket and sunhat added to her simple shift. She looked like she belonged in one of Nami's fashion magazines.

Luffy gaped at her. "Wow that was awesome. You're much less pathetic this time around."

"Luffy!" Usopp protested.

His captain quirked his head. "What, you told her how we're from the future. What's wrong with talking about it if she knows?"

"What's he mean, Usopp-kun?" Kaya asked, turning unconscious puppy eyes on him.

He caved instantly. "Um, we weren't, well, 'close' when your parents died in the 'other' time. You got really depressed and sickly, you couldn't even leave the house. The whole reason we met was because I heard you were down and decided to try and cheer you up with my lies."

"Oh, that's so sweet!" she gushed. "But I'm very glad we are 'close' this time. If was sick in bed, you wouldn't be able to join me."

"Kaya-chan!" Usopp protested, turning tomato red.

Zoro raised a brow. "Aren't you supposed to be all prim, conservative, and proper? You are an heiress of a big estate."

"The fact that I have servants, a mansion, and took cotillion lessons has nothing to do with my sexuality. I have a boyfriend whom I love, we express that love physically, and while I'm not going to brag about his size and stamina to random passerby, I'm not going to pretend we don't make the beast because it might make some close-minded eavesdroppers uncomfortable."

Nami whistled. "Damn. You have more balls that Usopp."

"Nami!" Usopp whined.

Luffy grinned. "Shishishishi! I like you, Kaya! Want to be my nakama?"

"WHAT?! Luffy, what are you thinking?" Usopp protested loudly.

"I'm thinking she's smart, tough, and if we left her behind you'd be miserable, so she might as well come along."

"Luffy, think about all the fights we're going to get into! It's way too dangerous for her!"

"Are you suggesting I can't take care of myself?" Kaya asked with a beatific smile on her face, unconsciously channeling the best healer of Soul Society.

Usopp could have sworn the temperature dropped ten degrees. "O-of course not, Kaya-chan. But I've told you all the guys we fought. And if I know Luffy, he's going to try to do things even bigger and crazier this time around. Are you sure you want to go through that instead of staying safe here on the island?"

"Do you honestly think I'd have any peace of mind knowing my Gatsby was in that kind of danger? And do you think you could leave me and what we have behind?" she asked challengingly.

Usopp gulped. "Well, no. I'd be begging Luffy to turn the ship around after a few hours. But… but it'll be really dangerous! You could die! And I don't think I could survive losing you, Daisy!"

Kaya grinned and touched his face. "I'll be fine. I'll have my brave warrior of the sea to protect me."

Usopp leaned into her touch like a puppy dog. "Well, there's that." He made a last desperate attempt. "But what would you even do?"

She shrugged. "I could dust off my fencing skills. And I've always been interested in medicine. Maybe I could be a nurse to that cute Chopper guy you've told me about."

"So is that a yes?" Luffy asked.

Kaya grinned. "Yes, I'll sail with you. Besides, it's my boat we're sailing on. I've had Merry have her reinforced after Usopp told me about how she died. She might not be exactly as you remember, but maybe that's a good thing."

"As long as I still have my special seat, I don't care. I'll love her anyway. It's Merry!"

Nami grinned. "Normally, I'd protest against your 'invite the world along with us' new attitude, but she's rich, so I don't care."

Kaya raised a brow. "Wow, your eyes really do do that. Usopp-kun's right, it's creepy."

"He said what now?" Nami questioned, a tic mark on her forehead.

Usopp started sweating. "Oh, look, a man walking backwards!" he pointed, trying to distract them.

Luffy looked up, grinning. There he was, the weird hypnotist. He was indeed walking backwards, his hand on his hat. He might have been trying to look cool, but it came off as ridiculous. Then again, he looked ridiculous in the first place, with that weird pointy goatee and the heart-shaped sunglasses.

The man stopped in front of them and looked up. "Who said I was weird?"

"Um, no one," Kaya said, looking confused.

Brash as always, Luffy stepped forward and said "I know who you are."

The man frowned. "I have no idea what you mean. I'm just Jango, the passing hypnotist."

"No, you're the captain of the Black Cat Pirates after Kuro faked his death because he couldn't handle getting chased by the Marines. He's been hiding out here as the heiress's butler and he's summoned you as part of one of his plans. Tomorrow your crew will raid the village while you hypnotize the heiress into writing a will leaving everything to her butler before you kill her. What you don't know is after that, Kuro's going to kill you and the entire crew to protect his secret and finally get what he calls the 'peaceful life'."

It was hard to tell who was more shocked by Luffy's speech: Jango or Kaya. Usopp cringed. He'd always avoided telling Kaya the truth, knowing it would break her heart.

Jango gulped. "I don't know where you're getting your information, but Captain Kuro would never do that."

"Really? How many of his own crew has he killed with that Shakushi attack of his? You really think he wouldn't kill you if it was in his best interest? You know him, can you really say it would surprise you?" Luffy challenged.

Jango frowned. Honestly, no it wouldn't. "So, what now? You know all about the plan, it seems. And if my eyes don't deceive me, that's the heiress right behind you. You going to kill me than run so Kuro won't get you?"

Luffy through back his head and laughed. And not his usual 'shishishishi'. This was the kind of laughter after a masterful joke that leaves you clutching your side and falling out of your chair. Behind him, Zoro and Nami chuckled too. Usopp hid a grin while he awkwardly tried to comfort Kaya without touching her. He wasn't sure how she'd take his touch, knowing he'd kept the truth from her.

"Oh, that's rich!" finally said when he got his breath back. "That puffed-up joke couldn't kill me if he had a million years to prepare!"

"Are you insane? Don't you know how strong he is? He moves so fast you can't see him and his cat claws are crazy sharp!" Jango protested.

Luffy grinned. "Tell you what, Jango. Let's make a deal. You're going to go to your meeting with Kuro and act like nothing happened. Then, tomorrow, when your crew attacks, we'll be waiting for you. I bet you that not only will my crew beat yours without getting a single scratch, but I'll be able to beat Kuro when he comes to see the hold-up with both arms tied behind my back. If we do all that, you and your crew swear allegiance to me and join my Armada. If we fail, we'll give you all our money and distract Kuro to the death while you guys escape."

Jango gaped. "Are you trying to make a joke?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Luffy asked, his face suddenly serious as cancer. The air suddenly grew heavy and cold, and Jango suddenly felt ten times as cowed as he'd ever felt in the presence of his captain. It was an effort just to stay conscious beneath the sudden pressure.

"Do we have an accord, Jango of the Black Cat Pirates?" Luffy asked, holding out his hand.

Jango did a quick pro-cons check. If this scary weirdo could walk the talk, then it'd just be switching the overlord he cowered under and wouldn't really change the crew's lifestyle. If he failed, then free money and the chance to escape the wrath of his captain. "We do," he said, reaching out to shake the stranger's hand.

The second he did, the pressure vanished and the young man started grinning. "Great! Well, don't be late to that meeting. See you at daybreak!" With that, Luffy started walking away, followed by the others.

"I should bring you with me when I go shopping. I wouldn't have to bother haggling to get discounts if you can be that scary on command."

Luffy frowned. "Nami, Conqueror's isn't a toy. And I don't want to go shopping with you! It's boring."

"Was all that true?" Kaya asked, sounding faint. "Is Klahadore really…"

Usopp frowned. "Yes, Kaya-chan. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't want to upset—"

"THAT BASTARD! HOW DARE HE?! DON'T BOTHER WAITING FOR YOUR DUEL TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO STRANGLE THAT DIRTY TRAITOR MYSELF!"

The whole town seemed to take a step away from Kaya. Not that there was actually anyone nearby. The town was eerily deserted.

Usopp gaped. "You're not sad?"

"Why would I be sad? I never liked him. He's so stingy and bossy, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt since my father saved his life. And it was all some plot? Oh, I'm so angry right now!"

Zoro grinned. "Oh, we are definitely bringing her along. She'll totally kick the cook's ass."

"And you!" the blonde heiress shouted, rounding on Usopp. "I thought you promised you'd never lie to me!"

"I didn't!" Usopp yelled. "The subject never came up! I never got the chance."

"That's lying by omission! Which is still lying!"

"Daisy—"

"Oh, don't you 'Daisy' me, Usopp! You're going to have to do some heavy duty groveling to make me let this one go!"

Usopp gulped. Then, seeming to reach a decision, he hung his head and asked "What if I let you put on the corset?"

"Apology accepted!" Kaya said, her whole mood changing instantly. "Now, where is everybody?"

"I don't want to know," Nami stated, looking away from Usopp.

Luffy grinned, not really getting the issue. "Well, that's because of my other crew. Come on, they're going to be your nakama too!" With that, Luffy grabbed Kaya's hand and dragged her over to the edge of town, where a massive striped tent was set up and giving off a cacophony.

Usopp looked after them. "I know this is terrible to say, but do you think maybe the world have been better off if we'd died in the New World?"

"Who cares about the world? As long as we're all fighting for our dreams and having fun, does anything else really matter?" Zoro asked.

Usopp grinned as he saw Kaya look over her shoulder to smile at him. "Not really, I guess."

* * *

The rest of the day was passed with a complimentary showing of the Mugiwara Traveling Circus, which proved surprisingly entertaining. Gaimon was almost as interesting as his animals, and the Buggy Pirates found they could coordinate much better after all of Luffy's training, so awesome acrobatics and skits were pretty easy to pull off. Kaya laughed so much that she seemed to forget all about the fact she was marked for death. The boys were as entertained as the rest of the crowd, and Nami was too busy salivating over the profits to notice.

Though the fight tomorrow was pretty much a formality, there proved to be a surprising number of little details to hash out. After an ugly argument, Kaya agreed to sleep in her bed at the mansion, so that Kuro wouldn't go hunting after her wondering where she was if she didn't come back. After a good-bye kiss that was anything but chaste, she'd gone her way, leaving Usopp to dazedly endure the teasing of his nakama.

Traps weren't necessary for the relative weaklings of the Black Cat crew, so the gang actually decided to get some sleep. But it eluded them as Usopp had raised the idea of changing the Buggy Pirates' flag to reflect they were in the Armada, which had led to one of the most intense arguments the crew had ever gone through. Buggy, recovered and a bit intimidated by his attacker, nonetheless aggressively refused the idea of altering his beloved insignia. His crew, on the other hand, liked the idea of showing their allegiance to their beloved Captain Luffy, leading to Buggy crying in the corner, which of course had prompted Usopp to cave and try to take back the offer. Nami and Zoro didn't care, and Luffy was torn. He respected the sanctity of the Jolly Roger more than the average romantic pirate, but he wanted his nakama to carry his symbol. Finally, he'd told Usopp to make a sample to see how it worked. A brief ten minutes later, the Buggy Pirates were marveling at the sight of their Jolly Roger with a familiar straw hat placed atop its head. Oddly, it seemed to compliment the crossed-eyes and red nose. Buggy had a serious crisis over seeing his rival's hat on 'his' head, but he finally caved to the begging of his crew. That finally settled, Luffy said that they would do the same for every Jolly Roger that joined the Armada, and quietly told Usopp to alter their own to show that they were the ones in charge.

By the time they finally moved the Big Top so as to not intimidate the Black Cats, the eastern stars were vanishing.

"So much for getting sleep," Nami grumbled, twirling her Clima-Tact. Usopp had made it in advance, wisely decided to forego the party tricks, and he'd handed it to Nami after a brief stop by his cottage. She felt a sense of nostalgia as she familiarized herself with the original, clunky design. This was the weapon that had allowed her to truly earn her place on the crew. It would take her a few weeks to grow the Weather Eggs she needed and modify it back to her Sorcery Clima-Tact, but it should be fine against a bunch of East Blue level pirates.

"I know," Usopp moaned. "Luffy, in light of seeing how cool Kaya is with the whole 'her-butler's-a-pirate' thing, I've decided we don't need to be sadistic and punish these guys. Can you just knock them out so we can get this over with and take a nap? Plus, that way there's not a chance they can touch us and we'll lose the bet."

"Are you kidding? I haven't had a decent fight in a week! Besides, if you're tired, you should be happy about this! Battle's a great way to wake up!" Luffy was practicing some kicks, in light of the fact that both his arms were tied behind him up to the elbow with rope, courtesy of Nami.

"Hear, hear," Zoro agreed, breaking his meditation for a moment.

Nami scoffed. "What fight? Either one of you could beat all of them with one attack."

"Yeah, but these guys are going to be our nakama, so we have to go easy on them! Plus we don't want to hit the ship and end up stuck while they repair it," Luffy replied.

"Whatever. I'll just keep spamming Thunderbolt Tempo."

Usopp sweatdropped. "How is bombarding them with artificial lightning going easy?"

"It's easy for me."

He hung his head. "Damn, you're just as bad as I remember."

The sun peeked over the horizon, temporarily blinding them. When the angle of the glare wasn't straight into their eyes, they saw that the Bezan Black was sailing towards the coast.

"Should I give them the chance to dock before I start?" Usopp asked, pulling down his goggles. They were the same model from North Blue he'd picked up in Loguetown. Kaya had given them as a birthday present.

"Yeah. No need to beat them before they even reach the starting line."

In short order, the cat-themed ship made landfall and released its horde of furries. Luffy looked them over. They looked almost as bad as that Split-Head's crew. Well, if they liked it, he wouldn't ask them to change. He noticed Jango staring at him and smiled. "Hey there, hypnotist! Remember our bet?"

"Indeed I do! I see you're actually following through with your conditions! But remember, that's only for the captain! You still have to beat all of us without getting one injury!"

"Against these kids? Please, WE'LL be the ones walking away without a mark!" shouted a random pirate. The whole crew laughed.

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Remind when people stopped underestimating us because of our age."

"I think around Water 7. Franky's goons just thought we were overrated," Usopp said.

"Luffy, don't be stupid and get hypnotized!" Nami gave her captain a warning glare.

"No need to worry about that, Nami," Usopp told her, pulling back his slingshot.

"Men, attack! Crush these guys then move on to the village! For Captain Kuro!" Jango shouted… right before he went up in a massive explosion.

"Captain Jango!" the crew shouted in shock.

The Straw Hats turned to look at their sniper. He shrugged innocently. "What? He sliced Kaya-chan's shoulder."

The smoke cleared to reveal a charred, but living, Jango. The threat of hypnosis had been effectively neutralized.

Luffy grinned. "Well? Whatcha waiting for? Come and get us!"

The Black Cat crew, a bit intimidated seeing their acting captain spontaneously combusted, nonetheless gathered their courage and charged. If they failed, Kuro would kill them! As one, they charged up the path between the cliffs, brandishing their various weapons.

"Actually, these guys are even weaker than Buggy's crew. How 'bout we all just do one attack? I've got my fight with the butler to tide me over and those two guys are still hiding on the ship can go to Zoro," Luffy proposed, after listening to the voice of the stampede.

"Works for me," Zoro said placidly.

"Already on it," Nami said, releasing her near-invisible Heat and Cool balls in a constant stream. The Black Cats didn't seem to notice or care about the expanding dark cloud above them.

"I've got just the thing," Usopp said, reaching into his bag for a particular 'star'.

Luffy breathed in as the charging crew got close enough to smell their body odor. "Well, here we go." Pulling back one leg, Luffy started to name his attack. "Gomu Gomu no…"

"Oni…" Zoro said, getting into his stance as he placed Wado in his mouth.

"Thunderbolt…" Nami pulled out the third piece of her staff and prepared to swing it.

"Sakuretsu Saboten…" Usopp grunted, pulling back a green ball on his Ginga Pachinko.

"RAH!" roared the rival crew, unaware of their impending doom.

"… Tempest Whip!" Luffy shouted, stretching his leg to give a kick so fast it left behind a crescent of glowing energy that rushed forward.

"… Giri (Demon Slash)!" Zoro called, appearing behind the crew, his arms held out to the sides, showing he'd completed his slash.

"… Tempo!" Nami gave her forecast, casting a glowing yellow Thunder Ball into the storm cloud she'd created.

"… Boshi (Exploding Cactus Star)!" Usopp let his shot fly, where it hit the pirate in the exact center of the group, where it exploded and released needles in every direction.

It was overkill, really.

The Black Cat Pirates were sent flying back to land in defeated heaps by the shore, all of them either stabbed, sliced, and/or shocked.

Usopp blinked. "This was one of the most painful, difficult days of my life… and now I almost wish they'd been tougher. Wow, we really leveled up, didn't we?"

Nami twirled her staff. "Damn. Even if it was just me, I should have just tracked you down and told you to build this. I could have modified it and taken on Arlong all by myself."

Luffy grinned. "See? You guys always call yourselves weak, and maybe you are compared to me, Zoro, and Sanji, but that's not really saying much. You guys are monsters too!"

"I'll take that as a compliment," Nami said.

Zoro straightened up. "Oi, you two on the boat! Come out! I've barely worked up a sweat, and you two are a bit better than these wimps!"

Sham and Buchi, the brothers as different as Yin and Yang, hopped out from their hiding on the deck… and promptly fell to their knees and prostrated. "WE SURRENDER! YOU WIN! WE'LL FOLLOW AND OBEY YOU! JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL US!"

Zoro sighed and sheathed his blades. "Damn. Well, maybe I can spar the crap cook when we get to the restaurant. He should be enough of a warm-up for Hawk-Eyes."

Luffy grinned and stepped down the cliff. Despite the catastrophic level of damage to their morale and bodies, he could sense most of the crew was still awake, let alone breathing. He got to Jango and poked his face with his sandal. "Hey, wake up!"

Stirring, the hypnotist awoke from his crispy hibernation. "… Ow. What 'ya want?"

Luffy grinned. "Kuro heard all the noise and is coming to take a look. I want you to be awake to see me beat him so you can't wiggle out of the bet."

The not-so-subtle disco enthusiast coughed up a smoke ring. "I don't really think I need much more convincing, but sure. Beat the most deadly man I've ever met with only your legs and ruined balance. Then I'll join your weird Armada."

"Glad to hear it!" Luffy said, before turning to face the path from the village. Zoro and Usopp were busy clearing the path of the casualties that were now their nakama, while Nami was busy 'reallocating' the treasure aboard the Bezan Black.

In no time, Kuro appeared at the top of the path, holding a gym bag. He took a second to gaze down at the scene, adjusting his glasses twice. Then he took a breath and shouted "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Luffy grinned. "Shishishishi. Well, in case all those hints yesterday didn't give it away, we knew all about your plan! And since Kaya's one of my nakama now, there was no way I was going to let her get hurt! So we showed up to beat up your nakama!"

Kuro scoffed. "Nakama?! They don't deserve a title that generous! They are nothing but pawns for me to move and command, and even when I meticulously plan every move for them, they still manage to fail me! HOW COULD YOU LOSE TO A COUPLE BRATS!?"

Jango slowly sat up, frowning. "These 'brats' made lightning appear from thin air, and on second glance I'm pretty sure the one with the green hair is Roronoa Zoro! We aren't weak; it's just that they're stronger than us!"

"Excuses! If I wasn't already planning to kill you, this failure would cost you your life!"

Jango frowned. So his new captain had been right. Kuro was going to backstab them.

Luffy frowned. "These men sailed under your flag. They risked their lives because you asked them. And no only do you not care that they're hurt, you'd kill them with your own hands?"

"I didn't ask, I commanded! That's the job of idiots: to obey the commands of their superiors!"

Luffy's eyes hardened. "Yep. Now I'm sure. You're my least favorite kind of guy."

Kuro rolled his eyes and opened the bag in his hands. In a few seconds, his infamous Cat Claws were on and splayed. "Oh, really? And why should I care if I've offended some idiotic brat with his hands tied up?"

"Well, for starters, I'm faster than you." Kuro's eyes widened. Luffy had whispered that right into his ear. He turned, ready to slash, but nobody was there.

"To be more precise, I'm faster than you are when you do your stupid Shakushi move. Except I can see where I'm going." Luffy grinned down at Kuro from the edge of the cliff on the right of the path.

"On top of that, I'm bulletproof," he said from Kuro's left.

"I'm knifeproof," he shouted from the figurehead of the Bezan Black.

"And I could literally kick your ass to the next island," he whispered, his face an inch's from Kuro's.

Kuro jumped back, now thoroughly freaked out. Luffy gave a mocking smile. "But, I'm also a nice guy. So I'll tell you what. You get _one_ free shot. Go ahead. Do your worst. Then I won't feel bad when wipe the floor with you."

Kuro gulped. Then, wallowing in denial, he charged forward to slice this _child_ that had ruined his plan into sushi. "Take this!" he shouted, giving a spinning slash with both claws across Luffy's chest.

"Over here!" he continued, suddenly flipping through the air behind Luffy to give a cross slash to his back.

"You make me yawn!" he finished as he gave a near simultaneous straight lunge from each claw to Luffy's sides.

(To those that didn't own a PS2, that was a reference to One Piece: Grand Battle)

Kuro panted, waiting for Luffy to fall down in a shower of blood. Instead, his mind snapped at the same time as each of his blades did at the base.

Luffy grinned. 'Armament: Tekkai really is the perfect defense. Not that I couldn't have dodged those, but this is funnier.' "Wow. You're even weaker than I thought. I didn't even feel that."

"This is impossible! My plan cannot fail! It cannot!" Kuro screamed.

Luffy snorted and jumped up. "Just shut up! Gomu Gomu no Spear!" The pointed kick from both of Luffy's legs made solid contact with Kuro's chest. He sunk ten meters straight down through the bedrock. Once he landed, Luffy flexed and broke the rope. He didn't really lose circulation due to the elasticity of his blood vessels, but he rubbed his shoulders anyway. He turned to look down at Jango, grinning in the shape of a D. "Welcome to the Armada, Black Cats!"

Jango sighed. "We really should have picked a different mascot."

* * *

At Nami's insistence, the Armada didn't leave the island for another week. The Circus was a rousing success. It finally took Zoro saying that if they missed Mihawk he'd mutiny to get Luffy to put his foot down. Nami had thrown a mini fit at losing a cash cow, but took comfort in the fact that Jango was a much worse negotiator than Buggy. The hypnotist's cut was barely 1% of the net.

Kaya had taken the time to set her affairs in order. After overriding all of Merry's protests with a magnificent display of selective hearing, she'd liquidated 75% of the fortune into bills and bonds and left the remainder plus the house to the man as a show of gratitude for his many years of loyal service. She'd been happy enough to turn it all over to the nigh-orgasmic Nami, on the condition that the navigator never complain when she had to leave the women's cabin so Kaya and Usopp could have 'private' time.

The newest member of the core crew had proudly led them to her private dock on the day of departure. They'd all broken into tears upon seeing Going Merry again, floating cheerfully in the gentle swell. Other than some iron supports worked into the mast and keel, she looked exactly the same as they remembered.

Kaya had smiled sadly. "I'm afraid that even now, she probably won't make it past Water 7. But if we take good care, she won't break into pieces. You can give her a proper send-off with dignity before Franky build Sunny."

"Damn, you really told her everything," Nami muttered, pretending that she just had something in her eye.

"Hey, I didn't know you guys were back! Telling her was my way of remembering. Plus, I wasn't sure it wasn't all a crazy dream or delusion, and she was the one person other than the boys who wouldn't laugh in my face." Usopp's eyes seemed to have dissolved to water.

Zoro forced the lone tear that was welling up in his eye to retreat back into the duct through sheer will. Real men don't cry. "Whatever. Anyway, let's head out. We'll meet the clowns and cats at the north and make our way for Johnny and Yosaku."

Luffy sniffed and grinned. "And after that, we go pick up our chef! And the whole restaurant too! I'm going to make them my caterers!" He took a breath. 'Maybe he'll hear me and have it ready!' "SANJI! MEAT!"

* * *

**Sorry for the delay. Transfer orientation and E3 served as powerful distractors. I hope this makes up for it.**

**Next Up: Zeff, Krieg, and Mihawk, OH MY!**


	5. Chapter 5

**My sincerest apologies! My computer died JUST as I got over one of the biggest cases of writer's block I've ever had. I hope the epicness of a to-the-death duel between Zoro and Mihawk on top of reuniting with Sanji and the antics of the Baratie make up for the wait. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

Any concerns Nami had over getting multiple pirate crews with different ships to follow the same route with anything approaching formation were viciously vindicated within 24 hours of leaving Gecko Island. She could count on one hand how many of her new nakama could properly read a compass, including herself, and have fingers left over. Merry, being the free-spirit she was, was constantly pulling ahead of the snail's pace that was the best the Big Top could manage, and the Bezan Black seemed cursed to hit every trick current it came across.

Suffice to say the party atmosphere of setting out with a new crew didn't last long. The next three days were a nightmare of rigging drills, crash courses in the stuff Nami had already known when she was shorter than Bellemere's knee, and pounding the idea of coordination into lazy, chaotic idiots she was now forced to call her crewmates. Luckily, Garp had included fleet maneuvers into Luffy's tutelage. Between his cheerful if unyielding instruction, Nami's zero-tolerance discipline, and Kaya's gentle encouragement (which somehow managed to scare the men more than the other two methods combined), the members of the Straw Hat Armada had learned how to sail within a half-knot of each other without running the risk of collision by the fourth day.

Nami tuned out the sounds of Luffy's eager victims as she tended to her Weather Eggs. She'd claimed the spot that would eventually house her tangerine bushes and used the space to instead grow her arsenal. The beauty of Weatheria's masterpieces were that they could be grown anywhere there was a stable climate. In the chaos of the Grand Line, that required floating above the clouds. Out here in the East Blue, she needed nothing more than the normal season cycle. She mentally applauded her foresight in gathering the rare chemicals needed to start the process during her thieving runs. After a couple days, the groups of bubbles were barely the size of grapes and contained nothing but wisps, but in a little while they would contain the fully-matured artificial storm clouds that made her an asset to the crew in a combat situation.

"How curious," Kaya spoke up, approaching her fellow female. Kaya had quickly found her niche in the crew as general conflict resolver. Years of training to run a business empire that spanned the East Blue translated well into keeping a ship running smoothly. She somehow managed to meld Robin's unflappable calm, Vivi's empathy, and Nami's bone-chilling intimidation. Zoro looked forward with glee to the day she matched wits with his nemesis. Sanji would be chewed up and spat out like a three-day-old tea cookie.

Needless to say, she had gained the admiration of many of Buggy's and Jango's crew, whom regarded her in the same light they would an angel sent from heaven. However, as was loudly demonstrated every night, she was Usopp's girl. If the nightly soundtrack from a porno audible from all three ships weren't enough (Nami had taken to always taking the night shift and wearing ear plugs), any man that even looked at her too long found himself discouraged by either a shot from Usopp at a usually impossible angle to the head, or Kaya pulling her sabre and holding the point to the pervert's danglies.

"These really are quite fascinating," Kaya continued, leaning forward to observe the balloon-like growths. She offered Nami a cup of fresh-brewed coffee, imported from the finest plantation in West Blue. This was the one luxury she had been unwilling to compromise on when adapting to pirate life, and the crew of the Merry couldn't fault her after experiencing the world of difference between it and the standard instant crap they drank. Though Luffy had been banned for life from the beverage in its entirety after downing a whole pot and nearly capsizing all three ships in the ensuing caffeine rush.

Nami gave a near sexual groan as she seized the cup and downed the heavenly brew. "I swear, this is the one reason I haven't scalped you yet."

Kaya looked affronted. "Oh come on, I'm not that bad!"

The navigator swiveled one bloodshot eye to regard her fellow goddess. "After a day of trying to corral a mob of testosterone-fueled ignorami with single-digit IQs, all I ask is that I get to collapse into my cozy bed. Instead, I have to huddle in a cold, wooden bucket until the ear-splitting cries of the seemingly endless variations of "HARDER, FASTER, MORE!" and "God fucking damn it, you're amazing" taper off and I can attempt to breathe through the choking musk of sex while you're passed out like a baby on cough syrup."

Kaya had the decency to blush. "I see your point. Well, you could always bunk with Luffy and Zoro. It should be easy to set up a privacy screen, and hammocks are actually really comfy."

"Not a chance," Nami hissed. It was bad enough Usopp was constantly invading the sanctity of the girl's room. If she moved to the boy's cabin, the time-honored barriers between the fair and rough sexes would be forever broken. "You failed to warn me that you're a freaking howler monkey or that Usopp was a marathon man when you offered the terms for your fortune. I'm honestly not sure it's worth it."

Kaya's eyes narrowed. "If I didn't know better, Nami-san, I'd say you were jealous."

"No, just offended," Nami snapped. Her sleep deprivation led to her saying the next lines aloud instead of mentally. "Honestly, have you no feminine pride? Sex is our weapon against those brutes. It's the one edge we have over them, and you're just giving it away."

Kaya frowned. She sensed she had unknowingly stumbled upon a deep-seated issue of her nakama. "Sex isn't about power, Nami-san. I love Usopp, so I tend to his needs, and it brings me joy to do so. He does the same in return. It's part of our partnership."

"Well, yippee for you, but not all girls get the fairy tale ending. _Some_ have to fight and claw with the wolves to get what they want and can't afford to be all noble when it comes to using what they have!" Nami took a breath like she was trying to suck back in the words from the air. "Forget I said that. Sorry, I'm really tired."

Kaya smiled gently. She carefully kept all traces of pity out her voice, maintaining the insistent tone of a schoolmarm. "Look, Nami-san, it's not my place to say this, and it probably won't do any good given our circumstances, but it would definitely do you a world of good to find a man that honors your body instead of using it and see things from the other side."

Nami almost killed half her Eggs as she cringed. Trying and failing to keep the bitterness from her voice, she demurred "Well not all of us are lucky enough to have the white knight in shining armor in walking distance. Where the hell is a pirate wench going to find a guy like that? The closest I've ever come in both timelines is Sanji, and he just plays the part because he wants in my pants."

"I don't know," Kaya said, turning away to survey the horizon. "Not every man would brave a blizzard, the wrath of God, and an army of zombies for a woman that never gives anything in return."

"Luffy wound up having to drag his ass so he was a hindrance more than a help on that first one, he was coming after the rest of the crew too on the second, and he had a bone to pick with my kidnapper on the last, plus I wound up saving his ass at the last minute. Same way I had to bail him out when his stupid chivalry almost got him killed at Enies Lobby! He's got that stupid damsel-in-distress complex going at all times. Plus he doesn't treat me any more specially than he does every single lifeform with a pulse and boobs he sees," Nami grumbled. Unknown to her, the frustration of possessiveness crept into her tone.

Kaya hid her grin. Really, Nami could be as clueless as the men she claimed to hate. "If you say so," she murmured with patent insincerity, already plotting.

The heavy atmosphere brought on by the sacred dialogue of womankind was broken as Usopp led the final lap on the Big Top by breaking into a rousing chorus of 'Sogeking's Hero Song'. Two and a half weeks of Garp's tough-love by proxy was already showing results. Buggy's crew already looked more intimidating, all the exposed skin now displaying noteworthy muscle, and the general idiotic attitudes of each member tempered by focus and determination. Luffy really brought out the best in people. Even Buggy had started training with his Captain, adopting a 'if you can't beat them, join them' attitude. He'd probably never reach the worshipful stance of his crew, but his lingering frustration and jealousy was swiftly being replaced with a jovial comradery. It was almost possible to see how Shanks could have liked him.

"Ru ru, ra ra, ru! Alright, that's it!" Usopp called, ending what to him was a light jog, but to his clown-themed nakama was a sprint.

Luffy hopped up on the masthead. Merry and Sunny were his favorite special seats, but there was a certain charm to the Big Top. Plus it made it easy for everyone to see and hear him. "Good work, everybody! You keep working this hard, then when you start eating Sanji's special meat, you'll be ready for the Grand Line in no time! Remember, you're all proud members of the Straw Hat Armada! When you fight well, you honor me, you honor yourselves, and you honor all your brothers and sisters! Now go get your grub! Dismissed!"

With a roar of manly celebration, the deck was emptied as the men charged for the galley and the showers. The latter a relatively new development, but Kaya and Nami had each insisted, and one defied one of them at their peril, let alone both.

Buggy wiped his brow with a towel before setting about his rather unique morning ablutions. Rather than shower as a whole in the cramped confines of the Big Top's head (at least when the whole crew was in there), he preferred to wash sections of his body individually before setting them to spin so fast they air-dried in seconds. While his right thigh started to see to itself with a handy bucket, Buggy turned to Usopp. Once he got over the whole 'violent electrocution' thing, the clown had found a kindred spirit in the sniper, what with the bravado and mad scientist thing. It was the first chance he'd ever had to really geek out with someone, and he very much enjoyed it.

"So, how're the designs on my new foot coming? You really think you can fit a pistol in it?"

"You kidding? It's cake," Usopp waved off, conveniently forgetting to mention he was just copying what Buggy himself would do by the time he wound up in Impel Down. "I'm more concerned with your harnesses. I'm still working out how to make them stick if you split vertically instead of horizontally. But once I get the trick, you should have twice as many knives on you."

"And you really think we should make a whole line of Buggy Balls?"

"Look, Buggy, it's admirable that you added so much boom to the basic design. But there's so many different paths to take! A tiny tweak to the chemistry and you could make it silent so the Marines don't know what's coming. And then you could apply your process to grape-shot, chain-shot, flame-shot, and don't get me started on the different kinds of poison we can play with!"

Luffy tuned it out once they started to get into multisyllabic jargon. He looked over to the Bezan Black to see Zoro leading drills. Since most of the Black Cat Crew used some form of bladed weapon in keeping with the 'claw' theme, Zoro had appointed himself the main trainer of that crew, with Luffy adding minimal drills. They'd had a crew meeting and decided it would be kind of stupid to have all their crews fight the same way. The Straw Hats were well-rounded, but the various other crews they would pick up would be best off specializing to help address the various scenarios they were likely to run into since their journey would be much more an open war on the Marines given their numbers and the reputation they were bound to get when (there was no talk of it even possibly being an if) Zoro beat Mihawk.

The Buggy crew were designated infantry. With their general brute-force approach and the sheer flashiness of their appearance, they would serve well at the front lines, distracting the enemy. The Black Cats were to be modeled after their former captain as an assassination/supplementary force. They would stick the sidelines of a battle, sneaking in and out to deal surgical strikes before retreating to safety, like their namesake with a mouse. Robin was slotted to help Zoro the way Usopp helped Luffy.

Zoro, not yet having the handy weights he acquired in Loguetown, was focusing more on the mentality and fine details of wielding a blade. He found himself channeling Koshiro more than Mihawk; the calm old man had taught him more about what it was to _be_ a swordsman than his obsession, though the latter had certainly known more about what to do with a sword. He finished the last of the drills and had his students get into lotus position. "Remember, focus and intent are always more important than brute force. In a fight between a thug swinging a sword and an old man that can strike as easy as breathing, the old guy wins every time. A true swordsman has both strength _and_ focus. If you can attain that, then you will be able to cut everything… and nothing." So saying, Zoro turned and did a simple overhead strike with Wado.

The Black Cats watched in awe as a trough appeared in the ocean, as if God had taken a knife and carved a line in the water. For a single instant, the image remained calm and frozen. And then the ocean exploded, sending froth up like blood along the path of Zoro's strike, going into the distance until a pillar of earth at the edge of their sight collapsed. Zoro calmly sheathed his blade and turned to face his gobsmacked nakama. "This is the power of a swordsman. Don't tarnish it."

Luffy called out from the other side of Merry. "Um, Zoro! Remember your friends that we're looking for?"

The Black Cats then witnessed the utter badass that was their sensei blush bright as a cherry and fidget like he wanted to disappear. "Shit. Oops?"

Since Merry was the fastest, she pulled ahead to check if Johnny and Yosaku were still alive while the Bezan Black and Big Top followed belatedly behind. When the men got close, they were treated to the shocking sight of Kaya kneeling over a man that wasn't Usopp, her mouth covering his.

"Damn! Lucky bastard, getting mouth-to-mouth from Kaya-sama!" grumbled Siam.

"Can I drown too?" asked a random Buggy pirate.

Similar complaints continued until the men in question found themselves dancing to avoid the shots fired at their feet. When they looked for the culprit, they found the menacing sight of Usopp, his eyes promising death, his slingshot tapping against his thigh. "That's my girlfriend," he growled, and the jealous suitors hid their faces to conceal their tears of sorrow. Of course such a gem was already claimed by a macho beast they could never hope to best.

"It's really weird to see the guys you cowered at cowering at you. You've really come a long way," Zoro remarked to Usopp.

The long-nosed man shrugged before blushing. "Well, I can't claim all the credit. It's remarkable how much your confidence is boosted when you're getting consistently laid."

"I'll keep that in mind," Zoro commented drily, turning to see his friend brought back from the edge of death.

Kaya pulled back from Yosaku, massaging his throat. Her face was suddenly filled with spittle as Johnny shouted in her face "Is Brother Yosaku going to be okay now that you've given him the Kiss of Life, big sis?"

Kaya huffed. "He didn't need resuscitation. I was getting him to swallow a pill. I've been making vitamins to help the crews get enough nutrition until we get a proper cook. What I want to know is what was going through your head, not having any fruit in months!"

Nami nodded in agreement with his sister-in-arms. "Scurvy is on the deadliest dangers sailors face, and also one of the easiest to prevent! Don't you know how important it is to get enough vitamin C?"

"Even I know that!" Kadoo shouted, somehow hearing the conversation despite being half-deaf and on a different ship.

Johnny sweat-dropped. "Sorry, big sis. We just like our meat. Plus fruits are expensive, and the bounties have been tight ever since Brother Zoro left us."

"I wasn't going to let you ride free forever. I gave you enough tips to become decent swordsman, it's not my fault if you're too lazy to follow through," Zoro put in.

Johnny gulped. "Sorry, Brother Zoro." He turned to face the two pirate ships obviously with the one he was already on. "I must say, this is the last place I expected to find you. What are you doing with all these pirates?"

"They're his nakama! I got Zoro to join my Armada!" Luffy said. "Monkey D. Luffy, pleased to meet you!"

While Johnny hesitantly shook Luffy's hand, Kaya leaned forward in concern. "Darn, he's bleeding again. Though his nose doesn't look injured…" she trailed off as she realized her patient's eyes were no longer rolled up into his skull and his mouth was drooling as well.

"Usopp Mind-Your-Business!" her boyfriend shouted as he delivered justice in the form of a kick in the nards. The injured man shot off to collide with the railing as Usopp huffed. "Eyes off my Daisy! The party in Kaya-chan's shirt is a private event, you bastard!"

"Thank you, Gatsby!" she all but purred, suddenly unable to concentrate on anything but how sexy Usopp was.

Recovering from both the attack and his illness, Yosaku popped back to his feet, a lit cigarette somehow in his mouth. "Apologies for my behavior, and thanks for your care. I am Yosaku."

"And I am Johnny," his partner said, magically appearing at his side.

"And we are the Hopeless Bounty Hunters!" they proclaimed with pseudo-pride.

"And I thought that afro jack-in-the-box was weird," Jango said to himself.

"I heard that!" Gaimon shouted, having his animal companions munch melons and spit the seeds at Jango in an unending stream.

Luffy ignored the shenanigans of his other crews and the fact that Yosaku had collapsed again. "So, Johnny! Since we saved you two, can you do me a favor? I've been thinking that my Armada needs some top-of-the-line cooks to keep us fed while we go on our adventures. I don't suppose you know where to find several combat-ready, sea-faring gourmet chefs in sailing distance?"

Johnny looked up from worrying over his partner. "Um, actually, now that you mention it, there is this one place nearby. It's unique, a restaurant at sea. Rumor has it that the man Brother Zoro's been hunting was seen there."

Zoro clutched his blades. Soon, he would be facing his teacher, and he would achieve his dream or die in the attempt.

With a grandiose gesture, Johnny turned to point in a random direction. "The heading is North-North-East! Onward, to the Sea Restaurant, Baratie!"

* * *

Spurned by the idea of five-star cuisine, the Armada had been making impressive progress. Plus Nami had finally managed to get her 'apprentices' (Moe and, oddly enough, Buchi) to recognize some basic currents and wind patterns. She still had to shout out corrections at least once an hour, but at least she didn't have to micro-manage every move each ship made. With her free time, she had enough mental energy to arrive at a conclusion that would cost someone their life.

"Luffy?" she called out.

"What is it, Nami?" her captain asked, looking up from playing with his pets. That was actually what he did most besides training, eating, and napping on his special seat. He couldn't eat them, but they were pretty cool. Richie even let him ride him.

"Who's paying for all 219 of us to eat at the Baratie?" she asked in a sickly-sweet tone.

Luffy, unlike in the original, recognized the threat. Just like in the original, he paid it no heed. "You are. Duh. You're the one with all the money."

Nami counted to ten, and reminded herself that rubber didn't conduct electricity. Thunderbolt Tempo wasn't the answer. Cyclone would do. "And why would I do that?" she asked, deciding all their history warranted him this one chance.

"Because if you do us this one favor, I'll give you One Piece."

Nami's mental processes skidded to a halt, along with everyone in hearing range. "Say again?"

Luffy shrugged. "I'll give you One Piece. Not as collateral, not in a supervisory capacity, not as part of the collective account. All yours, to do with as you wish."

Nami dimly wondered if she'd really just had an orgasm.

"But Captain Luffy! Getting One Piece is your dream!" Shemp cried out in protest and confusion.

Luffy rolled his eyes. "My dream is to become the Pirate King. Finding One Piece means I'll get that. Once I do, I can do what I want with it. And I'll give it to Nami, if she promises to cover us until I get the chefs to join and we don't have to pay."

Nami managed a barely audible "Sure thing," before she fainted. No less than half-a-dozen crewmates appeared to catch her, and they didn't even grope her. It wasn't that they'd learned manners, they just knew she'd castrate them once she woke up if they did.

The next day, they spotted the Baratie by noon. Luffy covered his mouth to hide his yawn. He'd stayed up most of the night listening to the Voice, ironing out the arguments he'd use to convince Zeff, and once he'd finished that he'd been unable to sleep, too excited to see Sanji again, and more important taste his cooking.

In his tiredness, Luffy didn't notice the Marine ship that they started to pass until its leader shouted out "HALT!"

Luffy hopped, turning to see who interrupted his thoughts. He spotted the pink-haired guy in the suit and remembered. Oh yeah, this idiot. He'd all but forgotten about him.

"I am Marine Lieutenant 'Ironfist' Fullbody! If my eyes don't deceive me, you're the Buggy Pirates" he said, pointing imperiously at the Big Top, "and you're the Black Cat Pirates," he continued, regarding the Bezan Black. "Though it seems you've altered your flags," he added, seeing how both Jolly Rogers had a straw hat with a red ribbon worked into the original design. "However, I don't recognize the ship in the middle," he remarked, surveying the smallest of the three, with a goat masthead and a Jolly Roger that consisted of a smiling skull-and-crossbones, with both the straw hat and an ornate crown atop its head. "Who is its captain?"

Luffy hopped over to the Big Top so he'd be closer and wouldn't have to yell. He already knew how this was going to end, so it's be easier to be closer. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates and the Going Merry! Both Captain Buggy and Captain Jango agreed to join my Armada, hence the change in their flags. If you don't mind, could you not attack right now? We're all here to eat, we shouldn't ruin our meals with conflict!"

"So wise," breathed both crews. Jango tilted his head. He had the oddest sense of déjà vu when he looked at the pink-haired Marine.

Fullbody twisted his lips in an ugly grin. "Much as I'd love to honor your request, it's my duty to destroy pirates whenever I see them. Sink them!" he shouted at the sailor next to him.

Luffy sighed, appearing cool as a cucumber as a cannon was loaded and aimed right at him. "Oh well. Your funeral." Turning his back on Fullbody, he spoke to the Buggy Pirates. "Boys, today I'm going to treat you to one of my masterful impressions!"

Fullbody scowled. "Fire, already!"

The fuse was lit, the powder caught, and the massive ball of remorseless metal was sent at high speeds right at Luffy's back. It got closer, closer… only for Luffy to lean to the side, letting it pass. Before it got more than a foot away from him, his right hand reached out and got a firm grip. The cannonball froze in place, and Luffy didn't as much as budge.

While Fullbody and his crew went into apoplexy, Luffy reached up with his left hand to cup his mouth, giving the impression of a goatee. "Bwahahahaha! You cheeky brat! You're a million years too early to take me on! Meteor Fist!" So saying, with an impressive wind-up, Luffy threw the cannonball as if it were a baseball. He took care not to aim where he could hear Gin was, but the ship still collapsed to pieces as the ball impacted with more than twice the power of a cannon.

A member of the Black Cats, tragically actually named Whiskers, hung his head. "He's even scarier than Kuro! The bad luck is supposed to affect our enemies, not us!"

"When I say 'one, two, Jango', you will accept the hopelessness of our situation and find peace. One, two, Jango!" the hypnotist captain said. He'd been forced to use this particular command on practically the entire crew, himself included.

Once Luffy was sure Gin hadn't drowned and would make his way over to the Baratie in due time, he hopped back over to Merry. They really needed to work out a better way to go from ship to ship. Maybe Usopp could come up with something. Once they got to the dock of the fish-shaped boat that was the Baratie, Luffy made an announcement. "Everyone but the Captains and Zoro's friends stay on the ships. I'll get them to send people out to take your orders! First Mates, you're in charge. Be nice! Remember, these guys are going to be your nakama!"

"HAI, CAPTAIN LUFFY!" came the thunderous assent.

Making sure Hat was snug on his head, Luffy barged into the Baratie like he already owned it, followed by Nami, Zoro, Usopp, Kaya, Johnny, Yosaku, Buggy, and Jango.

The place was much emptier than Luffy remembered. He supposed that the flags of crews with actual bounties got more panic than unknown 'riff-raff'. In fact, he spotted cooks in the back cleaning up what appeared to be a hastily abandoned meal. Before he could finish debating if it was worth using Soru to get it instead of waiting for Sanji, a large, oddly-proportioned man that was all forearms and neck appeared at his side.

"Welcome, mere bastards! My name is Patty. Table for nine?"

Luffy shook his head. "For us, sure. But I've got 210 nakama in the two big ships outside that I want to eat too, not counting the pets."

Patty's smile vanished quick as a hiccup, replaced by a suspicious sneer at the ridiculous size of the party. "And how do you expect to pay for all of them?"

Nami casually reached into the apparently infinite depths of her cleavage and pulled out a stack of bills as thick as her wrist. The top bill was a 10,000 Beri note. "Well, I was thinking cash."

"And I was thinking all right!" Patty was all smiles again. With much bluster, he led them to the best table in the restaurant, smack dab in the middle. "Here are your menus. I'll personally see to it that all your crewmates' orders are filled. Meanwhile, our own Sous chef shall attend to your table. Bon appetit!"

The patrons that had the courage to brave pirates dining alongside them gaped like fish as Luffy and co were offered spring water, the wine list, and hot towels by white jacketed cooks with blue neckties, all in similar states of sycophancy to Patty.

"This place is swanky," Buggy noted, rubbing his hands with his gloves still on, rather defeating the purpose of a hot towel.

"Even I'm impressed," Kaya remarked. "And remember Yosaku-san, nothing too heavy. Your system's still recovering. I insist you drink some kind of juice."

"Yes, Sister Kaya," Yosaku muttered. Who knew the delicate blond could be so belligerent?

"Greetings," came a voice smooth as fine whiskey, with enough rasp to remind everyone that it was a true man's man speaking. Luffy almost vibrated out of his skin, he was trying to contain his excitement. "I'm Sanji, and I'll be serving you. For the table, compliments of the house, Steak Tartare." A bronzed hand, encased in the finest silk shirt and suit navigated the maze of glasses and cutlery to lay the dish in easy reach of everyone. "I almost brought the stuffed mushrooms, but I could tell that the long-nosed gentleman doesn't like mushrooms and the monsieur with the straw hat appreciates red meat." The click of finely-polished shoes sounded as the presence moved. "For the red-headed Venus, a Fruit Macedonia, including the superb tangerines of Cocoyashi Village. Something in my heart just told me she'd love it." Nami had to suppress tears. Okay, maybe he wasn't as much a heartless cad as she made him out to be to Kaya. "For the rare Perpetually Lost Prickly Marimo, our finest Sake. I'd heard they prefer to be watered with it over other liquids." Zoro grinned wryly. Cheeky Curlicue. "For you two," the waiter said, coming on Johnny and Yosaku, who were eagerly wondering what special considerations they were getting. "I have nothing." Their hearts made lovely tinkling noises as they shattered on the ground. "And as for you two," the blonde said, making his way to Jango and Buggy. They both had no warning as a leg hard as steel appeared from nowhere and swept them out of their chairs and crashing into the wall. "What the hell are you two bastards doing near my nakama?!" he shouted, his cigarette falling from his mouth as he yelled.

"What the hell?!" Buggy cried, prying himself from his imprint in the wood, only to be stunned by what he saw. Usopp and Luffy had linked arms with the waiter and were doing a spirited performance of the Can-Can. Kaya seemed pleasantly surprised and curious, while Nami was laughing light and free. Zoro was chugging the sake given to him and glaring and smiling at the blonde in equal measure.

"Sanji! Sanji! We're back! We're together again!" Luffy shouted, clearly on an endorphin high. "And also, you just kicked two of your new nakama!"

"Pardon?" the man asked, still dancing.

"Luffy decided he wanted an armada! He talked them into joining instead of just kicking their asses! We're going to get in so much more trouble than last time!" Usopp explained, suddenly crying while still smiling.

Buggy sighed. "Another nakama you were separated from yet somehow knew exactly where to find and they knew you were coming?"

"Precisely!" Nami answered.

"When I say 'one, two, Jango', your injuries will vanish. You will feel no pain and be perfectly healthy. One, two, Jango!" the hypnotist said, holding his ring in sight of both himself and Buggy. That done, they popped back to their feet and reclaimed their seats.

Sanji vanished from between Usopp and Luffy, only to appear kneeling before Kaya, rubbing her hand between both of his. "And who is this ravishing beauty that shines with the light of the sun across the waves with skin of finest porcelain?" he asked, his left eye replaced by a pink heart, the scruff around his mouth crinkling as he gave a simpering grin.

Kaya's lips curved into a smile that would repair a broken mirror, while her eyes gave a look that would wither the life from small animals unfortunate enough to be caught in its path. "I'm only going to say this once. The only man allowed this close to me is my boyfriend. Touch me for ten seconds more, and your hands will never touch anything again. One slice between the carpus and radius, and all of a sudden you're left with stumps, and my problem is solved. It's been seven seconds. Do you want to see if I'm bluffing?"

Sanji leapt back as if he'd been burned, his eye wide in panic. He hastily hid his hands, the livelihood of a chef, in his pockets. "M-m-my apologies, madam. I was unaware you were claimed. Might I ask who the lucky man is?"

"It's me," Usopp said, curving his arms around Kaya as he stood behind her chair.

Sanji's mouth opened wide while his skin turned the color of spoiled milk. "YOU?!" he asked incredulously.

"Mm-hmm," he hummed, before leaning down and seeking a kiss with plenty of tongue. Kaya was happy to oblige.

Sanji was suddenly on his hands and knees, wailing " #$&^% %%$" like a banshee, a puddle of tears pooling quickly beneath him, pounding the ground with his fist, while blue fire and black clouds appeared above his head, thrusting him into darkness.

Luffy laughed like he was at the dentist. That was his cook!

Patty barged through the door, trailing rolls upon rolls of paper filled with black scribbles. "Sanji! Stop whatever it is you're doing and take their orders! We need you in the kitchen, stat! This is the biggest rush I've ever seen!"

"Right away," he answered, suddenly upright and straightening his tie, perfectly composed.

In short order, Sanji had taken their orders, trading barbs with Zoro, falsely apologetic to Buggy and Jango, oddly reserved with Kaya, and gushing over Nami. There were sounds of frenzied cooking from the kitchen, with harried cooks frequently running out with huge covered platters to go outside. Luffy clamored for meat while Buggy and Jango lamented ever considering joining the Armada. In short order, Sanji appeared, balancing dishes in both hands, on his head, and his right knee, yet somehow still moving smoothly down the stairs and over to their table.

Any lingering resentment Kaya, Johnny, Yosaku, Buggy, or Jango might have harbored died the instant the first bite of their meals crossed their lips. It was like their taste buds were transported to Heaven with side-trips to Shangri-La, Elysium, and Nirvana. It was gastronomic ecstasy. The man might be a world-class pervert, argumentative, and a chain-smoker, but holy fuck could he cook!

Sanji was frequently summoned back to the kitchen, but he stayed as long as he could with his nakama, informing them of what he'd done while waiting and asking what was different with them, in code of course so none of the others would get suspicious. He was shocked to see that Luffy wasn't stealing from others' plates, and that he actually chewed his food. When he learned Garp had actively tried to kill him this time around, he understood. He paid special attention to Nami, and Kaya could see he meant it more than he had with her. His approach to her was like a badly-scripted romance. Every word out of his mouth in regards to Nami was completely genuine. She swallowed a cackle. Project Matchmaker, start!

When Luffy had sucked the last morsel off the last bone, he grinned. "That was absolutely delicious! Sanji, I'd like to speak to the Owner! Right away!"

Sanji felt a shiver run down his spine when he saw the twinkle in his Captain's eye. This would not end well. But he was nothing without his manners, so he complied. In short order, Red-Leg Zeff himself was at their table. His hat reached the ceiling, his mustache was so long it was braided, and his hands looked like they could pop a chicken's head clean off. Despite the peg where his right foot should be, there was no doubt he was a guy who could kick your ass. In a gruff voice, he said "I understand you wish to speak to me. Is everything to your liking?"

Luffy grinned, and suddenly something shifted. The air became heavy as water, and sounds seemed to echo. Time itself seemed to pause to take notice of the moment. Sanji's eyes widened as he realized what was happening. His captain really wasn't just a cheerful idiot this time around. Johnny, Yosaku, and the other patrons looked on the verge of passing out. Buggy, Jango, and Kaya swallowed. They'd experienced brief tastes of this side of Luffy, but this was the first real time it was clear and out in the open. Zeff's only reaction was to raise a brow.

"Everything is delicious," Luffy said, and it was with a measured calm, his words falling into a cadence that was only heard in tales of kings of old. "So delicious, in fact, that I find I don't want to eat anything but this food for the rest of my days." Luffy tilted his head so Hat no longer obscured his eyes and he was staring right into Zeff's. "Will you come with me to Paradise and beyond?"

Zeff took a deep breath, girding himself. "What kind of an offer is that?" he asked. He couldn't just blow this off like he would with some pup with delusions of his own power. The man before him had the real thing, and knew how to use it.

Luffy chuckled. "Ah, yes, how rude of me." He leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms. The world seemed to narrow down until only Luffy and Zeff existed. "You've had a good run, no one with eyes can deny that. You had your time in the roar of the waves, and now you content yourself with fulfilling your gentler passions and passing on your skills to the next generation. But a soul like yours was never meant to lie still. At the end of the day, as you lie in your bed, you recall those brilliant moments of clarity. Defending what's yours from those that would take it away, the bonds thicker than blood forged with those that did the same beside you, dodging death by an inch, and in doing so feeling most alive. You thought you'd had enough, but now that you've tasted peace, you find yourself missing the struggle." Luffy narrowed his eyes. "But you're more a cook than a warrior, I see. You built this refuge for the hungry, a bright light to the desperate lost on these endless seas. And you've watched it slowly lose its luster, haven't you? The children of your hands and passion going to pampered babes that don't appreciate it, while true men were turned away because their purses proved smaller than their stomachs. Do you not remember what it was to feed those that had earned relief, to bask in the warmth of joy and relief as hunger was sated at the end of a day battling the sea and all its dangers? Do you not _long_ for it?"

Luffy came to his feet, and he did not appear to be a boy. He was every inch a King, a warrior, a leader, but most of all, a pirate. "My goal lies at the end of the New World. It will be a long journey. I will have nothing but the best to carry me and those I lead along the way. I would have you and yours sail with me, Red-Leg Zeff. What say you?"

Zeff closed his eyes. This was the last thing he'd expected when he woke up this morning. What's worse, the words of this silver-tongued stranger were working. Behind his lids, he saw the endless beauty of the sea. His bones, though brittle, were restless. His blood hummed, anticipating a chance to sing once more. But he was not a young fool anymore. He was an old man, with responsibilities and sense.

"I cannot. None but my son and I would survive. I cannot condemn my charges for only my sake."

Luffy frowned. "You can teach them, as you did your son. And I swear on my life to protect them until they are ready to stand for themselves."

Zeff laughed in Luffy's face, a true accomplishment given the weight pressing down on him. "Not even a Conqueror can make that promise, youngling."

"I can," Luffy stated, his whole being displaying absolute confidence.

Somehow, Zeff could not find it in him to deny that. But it had been many years since he had witnessed a miracle, and he had grown skeptical. "Prove to me that you are more than words, and I shall honor your request. Otherwise, get the hell out of my restaurant." With that, Zeff turned and walked away.

In an instant, the world was right once more. The air was light and clear, there was no distortion of reality, and Luffy was just another customer. He sat back in his seat with a harrumph.

"What the hell was that?" Jango demanded, so sweaty his glasses had slid off his nose, revealing his beady eyes.

"Not a yes," Luffy grumbled.

"It wasn't a no, either," Sanji offered, taking a relaxing drag.

"I-I-I think B-brother Jango was referring to the, um, change?" Johnny supplied, quivering like a virgin on her wedding night.

Nami huffed. "That, little man, is what happens when two monsters have a stare-down. And now I'm stuck paying for all of us until Luffy manages to prove he can keep all the cooks from dying on the Grand Line."

"Is that what that was all about? It was very cryptic," Kaya remarked, fanning herself. Usopp offered her water, trying to hide that his own hands were shaking. He'd never seen Luffy get that serious.

They were given a welcome distraction by both doors at the entrance being thrown open. Standing there was a gaunt man, nearly skeletal. He wore a jacket with red dragons on the front over a green shirt and pants of the same color. A headband kept his dark hair out of his eyes. He had a pistol in his right hand.

He staggered over to the closest table and all but collapsed into a chair. "Don't care what it is," he rasped, his voice somehow still strong despite his obvious frailty. "Just get me something to eat."

"Welcome, mere bastard!" Patty greeted, his hands together and a fake grin firmly in place.

"Didn't you hear me?" the stranger growled.

"Yes, yes! But one issue, sir? Will you be able to pay for your meal?"

The man lifted his head to glare as he aimed the pistol between Patty's eyes. "You take lead?"

Patty's smile vanished. "So you can't pay."

The cook raised one massive arm to bring down on the starving man… only to have his fist caught. He blinked, only to find Luffy by his side, when not a second ago he was seated halfway across the restaurant. "Now, now, there's no need to get violent. Put him on my tab. I'm always happy to pay for a fellow sailor."

Patty, appeased, jerked his fist back and went back to the kitchen to help feed the bottomless maw that was the crews outside. The man Luffy had just saved seemed less than pleased. "I won't take charity," he snarled, followed embarrassingly by the pleading growl of his stomach.

Luffy shrugged, an enigmatic grin on his lips. "Then consider it a favor. Should we meet again, you'll owe me one."

"And if we never meet again and I die in your debt?"

"That's your problem."

The man seemed to consider it, but better men than him had lost their pride in the face of hunger. "Much obliged." He offered his hand. "Gin, of the Krieg Pirates."

Luffy took it and gave a firm shake. "Luffy, of the Straw Hat Armada."

Gin's brow raised. "An armada, you say?"

"You see those three pirate ships outside? They're all mine."

Gin grinned wryly. "I see. You're not trying to muscle in on the Don's turf, are you?"

"Not at all. I'm taking us to the Grand Line, not staying here in the East Blue."

Gin seemed to freeze. "Look, it's not my place, but you really don't want to go there. There's plenty of swag here. There's no need to throw the lives of your men and yourself away."

Luffy hid a smirk. Gin would already be coming back when Krieg heard about the Baratie, but there was no harm in making doubly sure. "But I miss it so much! It's so much more exciting than this place!"

Gin's eyes widened. "You've been to the Grand Line?"

"And I'm going back!" Luffy patted him on the shoulder. "Anyway, dessert's calling my name. When you're done, tell the clowns outside to give you a boat. Tell them Luffy sent you. We'll probably be here for the next three days or so. If you have any question about the Grand Line, feel free to come back and ask." With that, Luffy went back to his table. Gin stared after him in disbelief until Sanji appeared and laid a plate in front of him. "Fried Rice. It's filling without being too harsh for a sensitive stomach. Enjoy."

As Gin hesitantly took a bite, then started all but shoveling the divine treat down his mouth, Sanji had a thought. They were an armada now, huh? Did Luffy plan to bring Gin along with the shitty geezer and his staff? Well, that was fine with him. He was looking forward to a rematch.

* * *

The next three days settled into an odd routine. Nami continued to bleed money in order to keep everyone sustained on heavenly cuisine, the only thing keeping her from bursting into tears being the thought of the most legendary treasure in the world. The staff of the Baratie found themselves forced to get very well-acquainted with the pirates, given that they were customers three times a day and scared off all but the bravest of their other patrons. While the chefs aggressive demeanors had led to them being cast out by standard society, it was endearing to the pirates. Luffy himself constantly visited the kitchen, either begging for snacks or to just watch them, ogling at the lightshow that was a gourmet kitchen. Zeff watched in mixed dismay and amusement as the young powerhouse started to woo his cooks over to his side. Sanji was already a lost cause; he seemed to fit in with them like a missing puzzle piece.

Speaking of Sanji, he'd eagerly spent the first night catching up with his crew without having to censor himself. Since he'd been chained to the restaurant, he'd had to get very creative in how to get back into New World shape. It ranged from the expected, constant laps around the Baratie's Fin each morning, to the odd, such as swimming all the way to the island they got their supplies from and swimming back with them perched perfectly dry on his back. Luckily, Zeff and the other cooks had passed it all off as a teenage obsession with fitness in order to be more appealing to the ladies.

When he'd pulled up his shirt to show off, which had led to the other boys trying to one up each other with constant posing, Nami had to admit that she had very handsome nakama, while Kaya's brain had shut down the moment Usopp had joined in.

Sanji and Zoro had fallen right back into the swing of things, insulting each other as easily as breathing. While they restrained themselves to just words while in the restaurant, they sparred every morning and night on the Fin, to the wonder of everyone watching. While the Baratie chefs repeatedly scolded him for picking fights with a customer, the Armada pirates just marveled at Zoro apparently having met his match. They never actually went all out, not that anyone could tell, but Zoro ascertained that he was as prepared as he could expect to be for his duel, and the shitty cook hadn't lost his edge.

The morning of the fourth day dawned cold, with heavy fog.

"Yes!" Nami crowed, confusing all the crew in the midst of their morning training. "Today's the day! Luffy, you better not eff this up! I'm not paying for another breakfast!"

"Yes, Nami," Luffy replied contritely, raising some suspicions among the crew as to who exactly ran the Armada.

Sanji paused in taking out the garbage, his eyes locked on some point in the distance. He'd practiced his Observation too. "They'll be here soon. And _he's_ right behind them." He turned to look at Zoro, who was calmly meditating. "Oi! You ready for today, national treasure?"

"Born ready, Dartboard," Zoro shot back.

Later, when everyone was lounging either on deck or in the Baratie (sadly without food, given Nami's edict), Gaimon looked up from leading the back-rub circle among the pets, his right index finger coming up. "Something… is not… right," he intoned. He rushed to the railing, peering out into the fog. He'd been the lookout on his old crew, and his eyes were sharp. They pierced the gloom, and he shouted out as loud as his shrunken form could manage. "SAIL HO!"

Luffy perked up. "Hmm, showtime!"

The few non-pirate morning customers spotted the flag fluttering above the approaching shadow and lost their marbles. "It's the Don Krieg Pirates! The hourglasses on the flag show that our time is up! Run away!"

Carne, the third most senior cook and Patty's best friend, seemed disturbed. "I doubt that Gin guy gave such a glowing review that the Don himself wanted to come eat. This won't end well, I can tell." He paused to slap Patty. "You were going to beat up a Krieg pirate, you moron!"

"Oh come on!" Patty defended. "What are the odds he would have come here to defend one man? He's got 5000 of them!"

"Actually, there's only 100 on that ship," Luffy corrected, appearing calm as a Hindu cow. "Not that I'm surprised. Look how torn up that ship is."

Everyone paused, before taking a second look. Now that the fog was burning off, it was clear that the massive galleon was heavily damaged. It showed the standard wear of a storm, albeit on a heavier scale than any man there had seen, but there were also odd marks in the wood, as if some huge monster had clawed at it.

A short ginger pirate with the Black Cats by the name of Oliver quirked a brow. "Is it just me, or do those odd marks look like they were made with a sword?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" protested Patty, while the other Black Cats and Cabaji saw it too. Zoro grinned smugly. His students weren't total blockheads. He was so proud.

They watched through the windows as two men lowered themselves down into a raft and rowed the short distance. There was an odd "drag-thump" noise as the presence moved towards the entrance. All the cooks tensed while the Armada tried to emulate their Captain and play it cool.

When the doors opened, everyone that hadn't already deduced what was going on gasped.

Gin was dragging the limp form of a man twice his size. His square head was topped with hair the color of lavender, while a massive fur cloak hugged his shoulders. Beneath he wore vacation clothes, which did nothing to make him seem less imposing. The half-dead look in his eyes did the job, though.

"Please, food," he muttered in a rough baritone before collapsing to the ground. He seemed to muster the energy to put his hands on the ground, making his collapse a prostration. "I beg you, food and water… I'll even take scraps… please…"

Gin appeared to be near tears. "Don, please! Someone as great as you shouldn't have to beg!" He turned to face the cooks. "Please, you have to feed him! We have money of our own this time, so that makes us customers right?"

"Are you kidding?" Patty asked, disgusted. "That's Don Krieg! We're not going to give him so much as a glass of water! Hey, someone, call the Marines! They'll never get another chance like this."

"Patty, you disappoint me," Luffy said before Gin could protest.

"Excuse me, Luffy-sama?" Patty was confused, and also for some reason cold like he'd just walked into the meat locker.

"While not as high as 'traitors' and 'those that harm the ones I love', 'hypocrites' are pretty up there on my shit list," Luffy explained. "When it was just Gin, your issue was that he didn't have money. Again he comes before you, this time with money, and you refuse him again. A man's nothing if he doesn't stick to his word, and yours seems alarmingly fickle."

"That's not it!" Patty protested. He felt like a child getting scolded by a parent, and about as ashamed. Luffy worked fast. "It's just that that's _Don Krieg_! You can't trust him at all! He started out as a Marine, then killed his captain and made it a pirate ship. He'd frequently sail into a bay waving Marine colors or a flag of surrender, only to attack when everyone let their guards down. He's notorious for doing whatever it takes to get what he wants, and he's violent besides! If we feed him, he'll get strong enough and might attack the restaurant!"

"As a chef, I thought you'd have learned this most basic lesson: NO ONE deserves to starve." Luffy smirked. "Sanji knows that, unlike you."

"Eh?" Patty's confusion was interrupted by a kick that could crush boulders landed on the back of his head. When he managed to pick himself up, it was to see Sanji laying a bottle of wine and pot of rice before Krieg. "Sanji, what are you doing?!"

"Feeding a customer," Sanji answered. He gave Gin a grin, which was returned with endless gratitude, then retreated to Luffy's side. Not that he couldn't dodge it, but he didn't see the point in being in arm's reach when Krieg recovered.

Krieg was finished eating in minutes. He took a second to let it settle, and then burst to his feet, an arrogant grin on his face. "That was delicious! And this boat is pretty nice. No one would suspect it of being dangerous. I'll take it!"

Gin gaped at his leader. "But Don! That's not what you promised! You said you'd just come for the food!"

Krieg backhanded his loyal underling like he was a dog. Sanji's eyes narrowed. "Shut up Gin! Don't question me!" The man looked up to glare at the cooks. He cocked a thumb over his shoulder. "I have about 100 men still alive back on my ship. They all need food and water. Get cracking, cooks!"

Patty scoffed. "Yeah right! The moment we feed them, they'll take over the ship!"

"He didn't learn a damn thing," Luffy grumbled.

"Don't worry, he's a hopeless student," Sanji assured.

Patty swaggered over to a hidden compartment by the stairs. "This is the Baratie! We fight off pirates every week! We're prepared for these kinds of situations." The Popeye-ripoff spun on his heel, leveling a cannon humorously modeled after a crawfish at the unamused Krieg. "Here's dessert! Syrup Meatball."

There was a blast and the entrance was covered with smoke. Patty, sure he'd won, tossed the gun aside. "He went down easy."

Buggy gulped. "I've heard that enough times on the other end of things to know it probably isn't true. Good thing Luffy's here. I hear bad things about the Don."

"I hear ya, Captain," Mohji muttered.

Sure enough, the smoke cleared to reveal Krieg standing there unharmed.

"WHAT?!" the cooks shouted.

"That dessert sucked!" Krieg ripped off the tatters of his floral print shirt to reveal gleaming gold plate armor. He pulled pistols from his hip, and several hidden compartments in the armor opened up to reveal more. "This is the price of defying me! DIE!"

Without further ado, he fired.

The cooks shut their eyes and screamed, certain they were about to die. The deafening thunder of gunshots filled the room. Yet, strangely, none of them felt any pain. When it ended, and their ears were ringing, they cautiously opened their eyes, wondering if they'd just been insanely lucky. Instead, they saw Luffy standing before Krieg, his hands cupped in front of him.

"Eh? Who're you?" Krieg asked.

Smirking, Luffy opened his hands. Dozens of bullets slipped from his fingers to clatter against the floor. Multiple jaws crashed through the floor.

"Sorry about that. I understand you're pissed. But I'm afraid these cooks are _mine_. The details are still being ironed out, but they're as good as my nakama. So I couldn't just let you fill them full of holes, you see?"

"Luffy-sama!" the cooks cried out in awe. From the top of the stairs, Zeff paused in dragging his sack of food and raised a brow. Hmm, this was interesting.

Krieg sneered, somehow failing to realize the caught bullets meant this man was freakishly fast if nothing else. "What do I care if they're your 'nakama'? I'm the greatest! Therefore, mine is the only opinion that matters! Look!" He pulled off his gloves, revealing diamond-studded gauntlets. Nami promptly began to drool. She hadn't seen those last time! "The hardest, diamond-enforced punch! The finest Wootz Steel alloy armor! The most weapons! A 50 ship fleet! This is power! This makes me great! I am the only man worthy of the title 'Don'! If I see something I want, I take it. I'll get this ship, and become the Pirate King!"

Gin hung his head. He'd never been more ashamed of his captain. These cooks had saved his life! How could he be so cruel to them?

Luffy smirked. "And that's strike two. Not only did you attack my nakama, you lied to my face. 'Cause I'm the one who'll be the Pirate King!"

Krieg scowled. "That wasn't funny, punk. Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Monkey D. Luffy. I wish I could say it was a pleasure to meet you, but then I'd be lying."

"Luffy?" Krieg muttered, retreating into his skull to chase the elusive bell. "Wait. Gin, is this the kid you said had been to the Grand Line?"

"Yes, Don," Gin bit out, hating himself.

Krieg's eye came alit with malevolent glee. "Ah, then you're the other thing I came here for! You're going to tell me the secret of getting through that blasted sea. Come with me without a fight and you won't get hurt!"

"And that's strike three. That does it. I'm going to kick your ass," Luffy stated like it was simple as taking out the trash. He cracked his neck to the side.

Krieg ground his teeth. "And how's a pipsqueak like you going to hurt the great Don Krieg?"

"With this," Luffy answered, raising his right index finger and holding in front of his face.

"One finger?! You must be joking!" Krieg threw back his head and laughed, overcome by the hilarity that only he could see.

Luffy's eyes narrowed. "Armament: Hardening." His finger became a glossy black, to the shock of the cooks and the anticipation of his crew. As he pulled back his fist, the words his gramps had said when he started to teach this went through his head. 'A bullet isn't needed to pierce the human body.' Without Hardening, Luffy had dubbed this attack Sniper. With Hardening, in keeping with the animal theme of naming his attacks, it was called…

"GOMU GOMU NO BOAR TUSK!" Luffy shouted, sending his finger forward with lethal force, his arm stretching until his digit slid into Krieg's heart through the intervening layers like they were thin air.

The Wootz armor shattered like fine glass while Krieg's chest seemed to collapse as if he'd been hit with a wrecking ball. The man, already dead, fell backwards, gravity removing Luffy's finger from his chest. It dripped red as the body hit the ground with a dull thud.

Gin watched in shock as Luffy pulled back his stretched hand and cleaned the blood off with a napkin. He leaned down to lay his ear next to his Don's face. He heard no breathing. The strongest man he'd ever met, the man he'd dedicated his life too… had just been killed with one finger.

"Oi, Gin!" Luffy shouted. Gin looked up, feeling like his whole world was teetering on the edge of a cliff. "Remember that favor you owe me? I'm calling you on it. I want you to take command of the rest of your crew and join my armada! What do you say?" Luffy grinned like everything was going to be all right.

Gin took a second that lasted an eternity. He thought of all Krieg had done, and he'd never seen him more clearly. He was vain, he was cruel, he was a coward. Then he thought of Luffy, the man who had given food to a stranger, who had defended men who weren't even his (yet), and who had made Krieg look as threatening as a baby. He gulped and leapt off the edge.

"I, Gin, Commander of the Krieg Pirates, pledge my life and my men to Monkey D. Luffy and the Straw Hat Armada!" he shouted, bowing before his new captain. "What would you have me do, Don Luffy?"

Luffy contemplated how that sounded. It had a nice ring, and if it made Gin more comfortable to use the title who was he to object? "You're going to lead your new crewmates on to the ship to bring all my injured nakama in here to get some grub! Hop to it, men!"

"Yes, Captain Luffy!" shouted all the Armada men, rushing out the door taking Gin with them. That done, Luffy turned to look at Zeff. He smiled cheekily and tilted Hat back. "So, have I proved myself enough, Red-Leg Zeff?"

Zeff cast an eye from the overawed, unharmed faces of his cooks to the corpse of one of the toughest pirates in East Blue. He shook his head. "I knew that sea would never let me go. Men!" The staff of Baratie leapt to their feet. "From this moment on, we're out of the restaurant business!" They gaped. Could the Owner really mean…? "From now on, we're caterers! And our sole client: the Straw Hat Armada!"

As one, the cooks cheered.

(A/N: And they all lived happily ever [joint death glare from Zoro and Mihawk] never mind, my mistake, moving on! [changes pants])

* * *

The 100 men were soon seated, though they looked more like zombie mannequins than customers. That soon changed as Zeff had his men distribute the meals he'd already cooked. In a matter of minutes, they were revived. They took the news that Krieg was dead and that Luffy was the new don fairly well. In their minds, they'd already been minnows following a big fish. Now they'd just follow a bigger fish. Though this new one was much friendlier than the last, mingling among them and learning each of their names and things about them.

"Gin, uh, I mean Captain, are we really going back to the Grand Line?" one brave soul of the renamed Don Pirates asked. That caused all conversation to stop.

"You guys have been to the Grand Line?" Siam asked.

Gin shivered. "How do you think our ship got so damaged? It was a nightmare. A week of nothing but storms. And then HE appeared! He gave no warning, no explanation! He just started taking down our ships one by one! I'm still not sure he wasn't a nightmare, that man with the hawk eyes!"

All the Don Pirates shuddered, suffering flashbacks, while the rest of the Armada seemed disturbed. At least until Luffy spoke up. "Listen up, me hearties! Wow that felt weird, I won't say that again. Anyway, it won't be like that for us. Nami here actually knows how to navigate the Grand Line, and Zoro, Sanji, and I are all tough enough to take on a Shichibukai." The men all nodded, appeased.

Zeff rose a brow. "You're pretty confident in my son there, eggplant king. If they're talking about who I think they are, then they're lucky to have got off as light as they did."

Sanji blushed. He still wasn't used to Zeff openly acknowledging his adopted status. It was usually just 'little eggplant'. Luffy just shrugged. "Sanji's going to be my personal chef and stay on my ship, so of course he's up to my standards. And you're right, it is the guy you're talking about. And we can take him on. Least I hope so, or else today's the day Zoro dies."

"That won't happen," Zoro stated. He _would_ win. It was that simple.

"Wait, today?" Pearl asked, who had made fast friends with Buchi, being the only other person of a certain size in the Armada.

Luffy cocked his head. "Oh, didn't you know? He followed you guys here. He'll show up right about… now."

True to his word, there was an almighty tearing sound and then the galleon sunk like a stone into the sea.

"Everyone, to your ships! New guys, just stay put! Pull up anchors or we'll sink!" Nami roared above the noise.

While the Don Pirates dealt with attacks of PTSD, the other four crews were quick to obey. Suddenly all those drills Nami made them do didn't seem so pointless. Ten minutes later, much more exhausted, the ships were all okay and the ocean had calmed.

"What's that?" Larry asked, looking at something in the distance.

Zeff noticed and paled. "That's him. One of the Shichibukai. The greatest swordsman in the world. Hawk-Eyes Mihawk!"

The name spread like a disease among the Armada. They flocked to the rails or the windows to eye the slowly approaching legend.

There, clear as day, was the dread Dracule Mihawk. He sat in his tiny raft, just big enough to hold him, shaped like a coffin. Candles that gave off a strange green flame were placed at each vertex. His legs were crossed with his palms laid atop. He looked for all the world like an ordinary man out for a jaunt, were it not for the massive blade on his back or the unearthly color and sharpness of his eyes.

As he sailed past the remains of the Dreadnaught Sabre towards the Baratie, one of the Don Pirates with more balls than brains shouted out "You! Why did you follow us back! Why'd you come after us in the first place?"

The man spoke up enough to be heard, but no more, as if it wasn't worth the effort. "For fun."

"You bastard!" the poor pirate shouted, the faces of his friends this man had so casually killed flashing before him. He raised up his pistols and fired, crying out like a wounded animal.

In a move so fast few caught it, Mihawk drew his sword, brought it around to point at the incoming bullets, and twisted his wrist as the bullets passed the tip of the blade. They both landed harmlessly in the water. Mihawk placed his blade back in its harness as if nothing had happened.

The shooter looked down at his guns in confusion. "I was sure my aim was good."

"He redirected them with his sword." The distraught man looked up to see Zoro, his bandana already tied, his arms free of his robe. "Just stay put, little frog. I'll avenge your nakama for you."

"Wait, green hair, three swords… are we nakama with Roronoa Zoro?" one of the other Don pirates asked.

"You bet you are. Now shush! Zoro-sensei is about to fight Mihawk-san. You don't want to miss a second!" Cabaji whispered harshly.

"You're sword has a beautiful voice. It sings when you hold it. You've obviously taken very good care of it." Zoro called out.

Mihawk looked up, suddenly alert. This man's voice wasn't a whisper like he'd expected. It was a roar as proud and vicious as a tiger. Not unlike his own. He maintained his cool calm as always. "Of course. To a true swordsman, his blade is wife, child, and teacher. They are the instruments of our will, giving us power over life and death, and deserve the utmost respect."

Zoro grinned and vanished. He reappeared on the nearest piece of wreckage to Mihawk. Those unused to such speed flinched, while the rest leaned forward, the anticipation reaching toxic levels. "Would you test your blade against mine?" There was an almost manic gleam in Zoro's eyes.

Mihawk surveyed his latest challenger. Unlike so many before him, he was a true swordsman. He could _feel_ it. For the first time in what seemed like forever, his blood quickened. "What makes you challenge me? Arrogance, greed, a death wish?"

Zoro drew Wado and pointed it at Mihawk challengingly. "An oath sworn on the memory of a rival. I bet my life and honor on surpassing you. Now, with you here, I finally get to see if I win."

Mihawk threw his head back and laughed. He laughed loud and strong like he'd heard the best joke of his life. It made some of the spectators nervous as it kept going and going. When he finally calmed, he hopped from his boat to land opposite Zoro. "How interesting! Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined finding a proper match in this sea. Very well then. Let us see which of us has the greater conviction."

Zoro grinned as he got his blades into position. Mihawk did the same, drawing Yoru and holding it in a simple stance. And for an endless moment, that's all they did. They just stood there, facing each other. Each remained still, seeking the tensing of certain muscles, the twitch of an eye that would betray the other's intention, neither willing to make the first move. The very air started to shake, as if it could not handle the weight of these two monsters.

"They haven't even done anything and I'm already shaking. Is this what a duel between true swordsmen is like?" Buchi whispered.

"Few of those have happened throughout all of history, and fewer still can claim to have witnessed them," Zeff breathed. "Men, all of you pay attention. This is a battle that will go down in history. Don't waste this gift."

Luffy's lips twitched up from their worried line. "Make me proud, Zoro."

(A/N: Not to blur the fourth wall too much, but I highly recommend you listen to "One-Winged Angel" while reading what comes next.)

In a blur of steel, Zoro rushed forward quick as a striking snake. He brought all three blades down in a diagonal slash that would turn Mihawk into sashimi. His target tilted his blade to catch them, and the force of the impact generated gale-force winds. The sky split above them, clouds fleeing from the clash of titans. Ripples spread out for miles, sending droplets into the air where they seemed to hang suspended in the air. Some of the unsuspecting witnesses were blown off their feet into the ocean, but their fellows paid no notice.

In the time it took to notice the aftereffects of the first attack, the duelers had already finished the next hundred. Neither moved their feet more than a few inches, yet their bodies twisted and jabbed so swiftly there seemed to be a dozen combatants. Zoro's three blades seemed to have minds of their own, striking from every angle, flowing like liquid death through the air, an unstoppable force. Each time they were met the adamantine pillar of the best-crafted sword the world had ever seen. It blocked every advance, seemingly moving before the next attack even started, reflecting all force as if they were pebbles throw by children, the immovable object.

As the blades clashed, sparks did not fly. That was beneath such masters. Full-fledged flames were born at each movement of steel against steel, flying off into the air and dying within seconds like the ghosts of each heartbeat the fueled the monsters at battle. Zoro and Mihawk seemed to be in the heart of their own sun.

"Begone!" Mihawk shouted, twisting Yoru to catch the next attack on the flat of his blade, and then pushing Zoro away with the full strength of his body. Zoro was sent flying ass-over-teakettle as the air cleared around Mihawk. Instead of crashing, Zoro caught his feet on the piece of wreckage listing skyward he was hurling towards a millisecond before he hit. He left a crater, but for an instant momentum overcame gravity, and despite being horizontal he was grounded.

"Santoryu: Senhachiju Pound Ho! (Three Sword Style: 1080 Pound Cannon)" he roared.

A swirling vortex of opaque wind sprung into being, coming at Mihawk with all the speed and ferocity of a charging rhino. Yet the man was already gone, perched atop a mast rising out of the water like the spear of a maritime god. The chunk of ship they'd been standing on was reduced to dust fine as sand by Zoro's attack.

Zoro stuck Yubashiri in the wood as gravity reclaimed him and swung on it like a monkey to land atop hunk of deck he was on. He eyed Mihawk across the distance, grinning like a madman. He saw the expression matched in his opponent's face. Then the rest period was over and the fight resumed.

The fact they were at opposite ends of the chosen battlefield made them no less deadly to each other. They continued to slice at each other with abandon, the wind carrying their attacks like the messenger of the gods. By the time they reached their destinations, their target had already moved. Zoro and Mihawk seemed to flit across the ruins of Krieg's flagship like schizophrenic teleports, mincing the massive fragments of the Don Pirates' home as they went.

"What the fuck kind of fight is this?" Buchi asked hysterically. His eyes hurt from trying to follow the flashes of green and black lightning that were the fighters.

"The kind I ran far, far away from! And now I'm going back! Damn you, Luffy!" Buggy shrieked.

"BIG BROTHER!" Johnny and Yosaku cried, reduced to gibbering wrecks by how many attempts were currently being made on their friend's life per second.

"If you die on us Zoro, I'll never forgive you!" Usopp shouted in encouragement.

"What he said, you shitty marimo!" Sanji offered.

"Win this and I'll free you from your debt! Just don't lose, you infuriating numbskull, you!" Nami seemed shocked by the words that had come out her mouth, but the worry didn't leave her face. The things she did for nakama.

Tiring of the cat-and-mouse, Mihawk leapt high and planted his feet on the arms of the guard of his sword, as if he were riding it, and sank like a shooting star towards Zoro's back. "Take this!"

Unseen by Mihawk, Zoro grinned.

Faster and faster Mihawk went, using Armament to increase his mass, heading straight for his challenger. At the last possible moment, Zoro turned, the curving tip of Yoru touching nothing but air as the green-head twisted. By the time he completed his turn, he and Mihawk were almost face-to-face. Zoro whispered his attack's name around Wado so only his mentor could hear. "Rengoku Oni Giri. (Purgatory Demon Slash)"

A gigantic geyser sprung up as the weight of Mihawk's dive hit the water. As it rained back down, the Armada could make out Mihawk and Zoro, facing away from each other. A bloody x formed on Mihawk's chest as he yanked Yoru out of the platform. He turned to face Zoro, who did the same.

"It seems I get first blood!"

Mihawk barred his teeth. "I've not bled at the hand of another in years. I'd forgotten how humbling it is." In an instant, Mihawk was lunging at Zoro, Yoru seeming to go for miles as it moved through the air right at Zoro's heart. "Allow me to return the favor!"

Zoro cursed himself for getting cocky as he hastily brought up Sandai and Yubashiri in a cross-guard. He barely managed to catch the tip of the blade an inch from breaking the skin. Mihawk heaved upwards, breaking Zoro's guard and holding Yoru high above his head with only his left hand.

Zoro's eyes widened. He recognized these movements. The Humandrill boss had done the exact same thing right before he lost his eye.

Mihawk's right hand shot towards Zoro's face, the tiny knife hidden in his necklace glimmering the light of the noon sun. But Zoro had already started to lean back and twist away, trying to move his body out of range. The end result was, instead of permanently losing his left eye, he got a cut that ran up his cheek to his temple, catching on the corner of his socket.

Zoro landed from his impromptu flip and leapt back. He kept his right eye on Mihawk as he brought up his left hand to feel the damage. It hurt like a bitch, but his eye was fine and the blood wasn't going to run into it. He was fine.

Mihawk cocked his head, his eyes all but glowing. "You did not Observe that. You knew it was coming. Have we met before?"

"In another life," Zoro answered, both honest and cryptic. "I believe we've got a measure of each other now. Let's not play around anymore." With that, the power of Zoro's will and determination crossed the barrier between the spiritual and physical, manifesting as two heads, four arms, and two copies of each of his swords. "Kiki Kyutoryu: Asura! (Demon Aura Nine Sword Style: Asura)"

Mihawk raised a brow while those watching gaped at the unnatural display. Zoro meanwhile adjusted to the odd awareness and strain of this form. Once he started learning Haki, he realized he'd been using Observation, albeit badly, as early as Arabasta. But he'd never suspected, or rather not questioned until Mihawk brought it up in the original timeline, that his trump card was one of the more advanced applications of Armament. More commonly known as Eidolon, it went beyond simply augmenting like Hardening and gave special properties unique to the person using it.

"Most impressive." Mihawk grinned and assumed a tall, proud stance. "I'll return the favor." In an instant, Mihawk seemed to catch fire. But unlike normal flame, with a yellow heart and orange edges, this was green and purple. In the shadows of the unearthly blaze, Mihawk's eye's blazed like fire opals. The lines of his face seemed leaner, gaunter, like he was a zombie, and his teeth had morphed into fangs. With his massive black blade and short knife, he appeared to be a god of death.

"The _real_ fight starts now," Luffy said, his face impassive.

"Please tell me you're joking," Kaya begged, huddled in the safety of Usopp's arms. She couldn't have imagined human beings capable of this level of conflict.

Her answer came as they moved.

Mihawk slashed from his left to right shoulder. A crescent of his flame expanded out at the speed of thought. It raced into the distance, far as the horizon. Anything unfortunate enough to be in its way collapsed as it cut all the way through, only to begin burning as the vibrant flames consumed anything it touched.

Zoro had sliced right through it, though. His skin turned lobster red at the extreme heat, but he paid it no mind. He dashed forward, his voice echoing as he bellowed "ASURA: ICHIBUGIN! (Asura: One Mist Silver)" All nine blades came down on Mihawk, any one of them capable of cutting clean through him. Mihawk avoided all but two, the first only grazing him, the second almost disemboweling him.

If the crippling pain he had to be feeling bothered him, he didn't show it. He took the opportunity afforded by Zoro's proximity to stab his knife right between the ribs.

The rest of the battle was just as brutal.

"How the bloody blue hell are they still standing?" Kadoo asked an hour later. "Any one of those injuries should have them out of commission! They're covered in them, yet they're still going!"

Zeff grunted. "It's quite simple. Both of them refuse to die. Not until the winner is decided."

"And when will that be exactly?" Jango asked. "I'm not sure I can take much more of this weirdness."

"When one of them admits defeat."

The Armada stood there, watching, as the sun slowly made its course across the sky. It was impossible to become 'bored' with two gods duking it out, and many weren't sure they could take the strain. It was exhausting just watching them.

At last, as the sky was starting to turn orange and the first stars were visible, it came to a close.

Mihawk watched in dull detachment as his prized sword slid from his fingers. He couldn't decide whether it was because his fingers were slippery with his blood or he simply didn't have the strength to hold it anymore. He lifted his heavy head to look at the man who had bested him. Zoro was heaving like a bellows, and there wasn't a square inch of his skin that wasn't in some way harmed, but his grip on his katana was firm.

Suddenly, Mihawk started to shake with giggles, stopped only when he had to pause to spit out the blood that bubbled to his mouth.

"What's… so… funny?" Zoro asked between pants.

"It occurs to me… that I do not know your name," Mihawk wheezed out.

Zoro somehow found the strength to grin. "Roronoa Zoro."

Mihawk's eyes twinkled. "A fine, strong name. It is an honor to die by your hand, Roronoa Zoro."

"The honor was mine." Zoro insisted.

"Indeed." Mihawk fell to his knees, but he stayed upright. He brought up a trembling hand to stroke the bit of his intestines that had slipped from a gash in his abdomen. "It would seem the first part… is taken care of. If you would be so kind…" he trailed off.

Zoro shakingly sheathed Sandai and Yubashiri, almost missing the scabbards. Then, with halting steps, he made his way to stand beside Mihawk, Wado held in both hands. As he brought it up over his head, he paused. "This might seem greedy… but can I ask you for something?"

Mihawk closed his eyes, his face falling into peaceful lines. "You _are_ a pirate. What is it, my successor?"

"I like the hat, Dracule-sensei," Zoro said wryly.

Mihawk managed one last scoff. "Of all the things… fine." His last words spoken, Mihawk bowed his head.

Zoro nodded, and brought down his sword.

And that was how Dracule Mihawk, the Greatest Swordsman in the World, Royal Shichibukai of the World Government, last Prince of Shikkearu Kingdom of Kuraigana Island, died.

Zoro turned from the headless corpse of the man had guided his every move, in one way or another, since he was 9 years old. With trembling limbs, he raised Wado Ichimonji over his head, pointing at the glistening heavens.

"KUINA! …we did it."

* * *

**AANNNNNDDDDD CUT! How 'bout them apples? Read and Review, and don't forget to always spay and neuter your pets! GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!**


	6. Chapter 6

**READ ME! READ ME! READ ME! READ ME! READ ME!**

**First off, over 1000 views in three days! That's good right?**

**Secondly, I've gotten a lot of mixed feedback over Mihawk's death, so I felt I should clear things up and explain my reasoning**

**When it comes to him dying in the first place, I honestly didn't know so many people liked him, so sorry for making him go the way of the dodo if it hurt you, but it was the only real conclusion. You honestly think Mihawk could have lived with the shame of losing? True, it was Zoro that said "Death before dishonor," in the anime, but it clearly resonated with Mihawk, so it makes sense he'd have the same attitude.**

**As for ZORO being the one to do it, I've gotten a lot of shade over how that's out of character for him, with references to all the enemies he left alive after he beat them. I would remind you of Zoro's original loss, when he turned around and offered himself to Mihawk. Yes, old Dracule spared him, but ZORO DIDN'T KNOW THAT! He fully expected to die after losing, because that's how honor-obsessed bushido think. It only makes sense that Zoro would return the favor when the tables were turned. Plus, this was a DUEL. Zoro sought it out and Mihawk agreed to it. All those other fights were more like business; Zoro and (insert villain here) were on opposite sides and had to deal with each other however they saw fit.**

**Finally, concerning the WAY Zoro killed him, clearly not everyone did a project on seppuku for Japanese History. Yes, as a form of suicide to just get it out of the way, it's restricted to just the cut across the stomach. However, in more formal cases, such as when it was the sentence to a guilty criminal, there was more ritual involved. The condemned would be led before a group of witnesses and knelt. He was then offered a knife. If he had the courage to make the cut himself, he regained some of the honor he lost, whereas if he chickened out he dishonored himself more. In either case, the second (usually chosen by whoever decided hara-kiri was the way to go) would then take position beside the condemned with a sword. He would then bring the sword down through the condemned's neck, ensuring death. This was a surprisingly loaded ordeal, because the second was expected to kill the condemned by severing the spine without actually decapitating them. It was a test of their skill with a blade. If he failed to kill the condemned cleanly or went all the way through, he was dishonored himself, but if he stopped just right, he brought honor to his name for being an expert swordsman. I was trying to honor the fact that both Zoro and Mihawk are old-school by mimicking the motions. Let's put down Zoro being a putz and going all the way through to exhaustion.**

**I hope that settles any confusion over why I wrote it the way I did. Now, on to the story!**

* * *

"And… mark! Zoro has officially broken the record for longest recovery!"

"Can you not joke at a time like this, Usopp?" Nami snapped.

"Ah, Nami-swan, go easy on the long-nose. He's just trying to lighten the atmosphere. He means well." Sanji offered her a cup of tea, just the way she liked it.

Nami sighed. "It's been _six_ days. I mean, logically, it should take months for him to recover from that many injuries, but I'm so used to him grumbling the next day, already taking off his bandages."

"Not if Kadoo and I have anything to say about it!" Kaya injected, looking up from taking Zoro's temperature.

The First Mate of the Straw Hat crew looked like a secondhand mummy. They'd quickly exhausted Kadoo's supply of gauze when treating him in those frantic hours after his victory, so the patchwork wrappings were all stained with various bodily fluids that need not be named. Zoro had almost collapsed right into the sea after his odd apostrophe to the sky, only to be caught by Luffy. Then he'd been immediately moved to Merry's galley, where Kadoo and Kaya bit off way more than they could chew, trying to combine herbal remedies and beginner's knowledge of medicine to try and keep Zoro from dying. They might well have failed were it not for the unexpected aid of Myassa (A/N: Russian word for 'meat', in keeping with theme set by Patty and Carne). He'd been patching himself up after bar fights for years, and he had an unlimited number of surprisingly effective street hacks to help trauma. The two medical women would never have thought to use glue to seal the gaping wounds, and vodka doubled as disinfectant on top of being a pain killer. The gruff cook had just shrugged when offered profusive thanks. "Is nothing. We comrades now. Must look out for each other," he'd said in his odd accent.

Still, it was a miracle that Zoro was still alive, given the amount of damage and the level of care they could provide. The core crew had never longed more for Chopper.

The only one that didn't seem to be getting grey hairs was Luffy. "I can still hear his voice. It's weak, but it's there. He's not dying on us. Not right after he reached his dream."

"It's odd, thinking that the sword-brain got his dream already," Sanji spoke up.

"Well, mine was pretty vague. If you interpret 'brave warrior of the sea' as 'famous pirate', then I already got it after Enies Lobby." Usopp grinned smugly, though his heart didn't seem to be in it.

"You're making it worse," Sanji hissed.

"Oh, please Sanji-kun, don't tell me you're so petty as to be jealous that Zoro beat Mihawk before you found All Blue!" Nami demanded.

"It's not that!" he protested. A grim look crossed his face. "It's just… dreams are the glue that held us together. Now that he proved he's the strongest… what reason does he have to stay with us?"

"Really, Sanji, I'm surprised at you," Luffy spoke up, coming into the office. "We're nakama. Did you honestly imagine we'd just go our separate ways when we finished everything? We're family. We'll find new dreams, and help each other reach them all over again. Zoro's not going anywhere."

"Aye, Captain," Sanji answered, mollified.

Kaya looked up. "I'd have thought you'd like it if Zoro-san left, Sanji-san. He only seems to vex you, after all."

Sanji looked away, blushing. "Um, well… who else is going to help me keep my skill sharp? Sure he's uncouth and misogynistic and unhygienic and a total pain in the ass but… I'd miss him if he left. I guess. Maybe a little."

A chuckle dry as the desert rasped from a broken throat. "I'm never going to let you forget you said that, love cook."

"ZORO!" everyone screamed.

The corner of the swordsman's lip twitched up, and even that simple move seemed to exhaust him. "Damn, I feel worse than after that run-in with Kuma." He glanced over to Luffy and his eyes twinkled. "Did I make you proud, captain?"

"Fit to burst!" Luffy proclaimed proudly, smiling so wide his cheeks looked ready to burst like balloons.

"Congratulations, Zoro! You've given me the perfect story! It's so outrageous that no one will believe me. I can lie by telling the truth now, the ultimate achievement. Of course, I'd attempted it many times before…" Usopp went off on some compulsive tangent.

"You're slipping, marimo. If it were me fighting Mihawk, I wouldn't have gotten a scratch!"

"Fuck you, dartbrow."

Sanji hid a grin. "Ah, never mind. Precious little patients shouldn't be getting worked up with arguments they can't win."

"Shut up," he moaned as harshly as he could manage.

"For the record, even though I cleared your original debt, I'm charging you for all the medical supplies we had to pick up to save your reckless ass. So you better pay up soon or it won't end up helping you much."

"Heartless witch."

Luffy laughed. Zoro bickering with everyone. All was right with the world.

"I've got some catching up to do. The Strongest Swordsman in the World deserves nothing less than the Pirate King as his Captain."

"No rush. I know you'll get there," Zoro breathed. He tried to swallow, and Kaya appeared with a glass of water with a straw like magic. Zoro suckled, hating how weak he felt. It was like he was a helpless baby.

"So what happened… after?" He managed. How could talking feel as hard as fighting his sensei?

Luffy shrugged. "I got to you right after you passed out. For some reason, you were holding his hat, so I picked that up along with you and got you over here so Kaya and Kadoo could patch you up. Then I went over and gave Mihawk a proper send-off."

"I still don't understand why you burned him with the sword. That thing was probably worth millions," Nami grumbled.

"Nami, it was _his_ sword. He deserved to be buried with it." Luffy was unyielding.

Nami shrugged. She'd never understand this stupid thing men called 'honor'. "Anyway, you were practically on death's door, so we rushed the fleet over to the nearest island to get all the stuff the girls needed to fix you. I had those annoying friends of yours turn in Krieg to the local Marine base. I didn't even need to weasel them to get a good cut, they gave it all to us. They said 'tell Brother Zoro it was a true honor to have known him'. I think they thought you were already dead and we were going through the motions."

Usopp shrugged. "It's not unreasonable. They're just average blokes. They don't know how much punishment people at his level can take. Hell, considering Kaya's just starting reading medical books and Kadoo's barely better than store-bought medicine, I wasn't sure he'd make it myself."

"Again with the lack of confidence," Zoro huffed.

"Anyways, we stayed long enough for Zeff and Nami to get us resupplied. And we've basically been slowly making our way to Nami's island while waiting for you to wake up. The Black Cats seem particularly interested. Most of them have built shrines to you. I think you've earned yourself some lifetime disciples."

Zoro sighed. Didn't even get any time to enjoy being the best. Already he had apprentices clamoring for him.

"Speaking of which, we've moved up to two-a-days now that we've got Sanji and his special food to help get everyone strong. Plus everyone got really eager to train for some reason when I said we'd be seeing lots of guys on Mihawk's level on the way to One Piece." Luffy shook his head. "It's amazing, really. All the 'normal' guys on Buggy's crew are almost as strong as Buggy and his officers were when they started by now. Why didn't we get stronger that fast?"

"We were winging it. We didn't have teachers helping us every day that knew exactly how high up the big leagues are. Plus my Attack Cuisine can work wonders." Sanji popped a lollipop in his mouth. Kaya had absolutely forbidden smoking near Zoro, so he'd settled for this crutch while waiting for his nakama to awaken. "We're just lucky they bought my excuse that I've been experimenting with recipes with medicinal properties. That and that my old geezer never went to the Kamabakka Kingdom. I'd have a time and a half explaining how I got my hands on their national treasure."

"Um, on that note," Usopp spoke up. "The other crews are going to start asking questions eventually; no matter how much we awe them, it's hard to swallow us popping up out of the weakest sea already ready for the strongest. Do we tell the truth, if so to whom? If not, should I start working on some backstory now?"

Luffy waved a hand like brushing away a fly. "We'll tell them the truth, duh. They're our nakama. Let's not bother till they start insisting though. Hopefully by then they'll stop worshipping us and just accept it instead of acting all weird."

The captain suddenly pounded his fist. "Speaking of the men…" Luffy ran to the door and threw it open, looking out on the Big Top, Bezan Black, and Baratie. Between the pets, Buggy's crew, and the displaced Don crew, the circus ship was finally filled to capacity. Luffy had sworn to get his newest crew a ship of their own at earliest opportunity, but they insisted they were fine with their cramped situation. "Oi, everyone!"

"HAI, CAPTAIN/DON LUFFY!"

"Zoro's awake! So now we can stop holding off the party! Anchor for the night, boys! We're celebrating having the World's Strongest Swordsman in our Armada!"

"KANPAI!" came thunderous approval.

"Oi, moustache-guy! Prepare for a feast!"

"Don't tell me what to do, eggplant king!" Zeff shouted back. He'd swiftly learned that the calm, collected leader he'd made a pact with was a very rarely seen side of his 'employer'. Zeff insisted he and his men weren't pirates, just working with the Armada on an indefinite contract. It actually worked out, since the Baratie were designated the 'guard' force; they would be inconspicuous, not obviously with the crew, acting as a secret last line of defense. After all, they were brought on for their cooking skills, not for combat, though Zeff had begun pounding his Black Leg style into their heads so they wouldn't be, quote, "helpless ninnies out there".

The Don Pirates, on the other hand, were going to be made the 'demolition' squad. They already favored maces and axes over plain swords, so it wasn't that much a shift to make them the heavy-hitters, just a massive increase in expectations. Luffy wouldn't allow them to coast on numbers; they had to be ready to defend their nakama from anything if they expected to stay on his crew. Gin has assured him he'd get them ready in a timely manner, unaware that all his men, even Pearl, wore expressions of terror behind him. Gin was a notorious task master as Commander under Krieg, and it appeared he'd only gotten worse now that he was Captain and had an even higher ideal to hold himself too. Through sheer persistence, he'd gotten his crew to roughly the same level as the Black Cats, despite the head start.

Nami looked up as Luffy came back in. "I'd hate to bring up an inconvenient topic, but we all realize we're now doomed, right? Soon as word gets out that this idiot beat Mihawk, he'll be public enemy number one, and we'll go down with him."

"Wow, Nami, way to kill the mood," Usopp grumbled, clutching Kaya close.

Luffy rolled his eyes. He was getting tired of Nami's belly-aching. Really, if she thought about it for a second, she'd see there was no reason to worry… yet. "And how will word get out exactly, Nami?"

"Well obviously, um…" Nami drew a blank. She'd kind of just assumed to knowledge would get out. But now that she tried to logically ascertain the means, she found herself stalling.

"The only people in the world that know what happened to Mihawk are on these four ships. I didn't spend the whole time just watching, you know. I was listening for people coming, and scared them off with Conqueror's before they got close. They might have seen some pretty lights before they got a sudden overpowering urge to run away, but no one knows the exact details but us."

"So they'll never find out?" Nami asked, her eyes lighting up with hope.

"Oh they'll find out. In a couple weeks, the higher-ups will realize it's been awhile since Mihawk reported, so they'll send a messenger bat demanding a response. When it comes back with its letter unopened, they'll panic and realize he's either dead or hiding. So they'll set up a massive task force to find out what happened. And these guys have information-gathering to a science. They have people all over the world whose only job is to listen in at bars and town squares for information. And people talk. Those folks that I turned away, at least one will mention to a friend something weird happened when he tried to catch dinner at the Baratie, who'll tell it to a another friend or a cousin or his shoe-shiner or _someone_ , who'll eventually exaggerate it while sloshed to try and give a good story to his pals or impress a lady, and someone with the World Government will hear it. Some tired clerk will read the report a month later, see it happened around the right time within the maximum distance Mihawk could have traveled from his last known location, and decide it's worth investigating. They'll track the story back to the source and get the most the poor sap can remember with some harried interrogator battering them. Said interrogator will give the report to his supervisor, who'll give it to his supervisor, and so on until it reaches someone that has seen or at least heard of a duel between serious swordsmen, notice the signs, and raise the idea that Mihawk was in a serious fight. By that point, we'll have built a bit of a reputation for ourselves, and people will start to notice how insanely good Zoro is. Some bright, eager new recruit will boldly suggest that Zoro is the one that fought him. Occam's razor being what it is, and in the lack of any better theories, they'll decide Zoro killed or at least didn't lose to Mihawk. To appear strong and decisive, they'll then plaster Zoro's face all over the news and give him some record-breaking bounty that will make every hunter who hears it drool. All of this being just the most likely scenario if we don't do anything to brag or otherwise control how the world finds out."

Nami's face fell. "Damn."

Luffy sighed and reached over to rub her shoulder. "Look, Nami, I know that I'm tempting fate here. And if anyone wants to avoid the kind of clusterfuck that got us here, it's me. But in all seriousness, I think I could take on an Admiral alone and reasonably expect to survive. Zoro just beat Mihawk. We're all up to the level we used to be, if not above. And if Buggy's goons could go from 'cannon fodder' to 'half-decent grunts' in a month, I'm sure they'll each be as strong as I was starting out by the time we get to Water 7, and the other crews we pick up won't be that far behind them. And all the other captains and their officers are going to level up like we did the first time. If the Marines and World Government crap themselves and send everything and they kitchen sink after us, we'll be ready for them."

Nami hung her head. "Luffy, I want to trust it'll be okay. I wish I could trust all our new nakama like you can. But all I can think about is some Marine geezer panicking, naming you the next Whitebeard, and sending a Buster Call on us before the other crews are ready. We might make it out, but… damn it, all those bad guys aren't bad guys anymore. They're our allies. And somehow, the thought of us surviving while they get mowed down is even worse than us all dying." Nami angrily swiped at her eyes. "Damn it, why'd you have to complicate everything? Why couldn't we have just done things the same as last time?"

Zoro croaked, though it might have been a laugh. The crew turned to look at him. He seemed ready to pass out after only an hour awake, but it was understandable. "Idiot. Last time didn't end well, if you don't remember. Besides, things change. We're not the same people we were. We couldn't do things the same if we tried. It's a whole new start. We have more information this time, but we're going to get caught off guard as many times as last time, I guarantee you. So suck it up and remember you're a pirate. It's an adventure."

"Couldn't have said it better myself, Zoro!" Luffy grinned.

But the man was already asleep.

"I'll start working on some Hormone Soup. If he's not unusually stupid, he should be able to move by Loguetown." With that, Sanji moved over the stove and began to prepare the food. He left off on dinner for the rest, knowing Zeff would provide as part of the party.

After one last check on her patient, Kaya wandered outside, dragging Usopp. She'd been on alert for almost a week, making sure Zoro didn't slip into a coma or worse at all hours. She needed rest, and Usopp had a sleeping pill with her name on it. (Not really, though she might give that argument another go. She'd go for the 'tattoos are sexy' angle).

Luffy gave Nami one last look before going out to mingle with the crew and prepare for the party.

Nami sighed. They'd just passed one of the biggest hurdles they'd ever faced as a crew, even if Zoro did most of the work. Soon, she'd face her childhood tormentor, and even though they were a million times better prepared than last time, she still felt a twinge of fear at the thought of Arlong. And past him, the horizon was dark and stormy. She thought knowing the route would make it easier this time, but she of all people should know how quickly the weather could change. This wasn't going to be an idealized repeat of their early adventures. The Tale of the Straw Hat Armada was going to be its own unique story, with its own surprises and heartbreaks.

But she was the navigator. It was going to be her job to guide them all through the storm. And she'd have her nakama at her back, ready to help her.

Nami grinned and stole one last moment of peace before the waves began.

* * *

**Extremely short and overly philosophic for me, I know. I just didn't want to squash the aftermath of last chapter and the whole Arlong arc into one chapter. This is purely to settle all the loose ends and, if I'm being honest, to push the word count over 60k. Promise that Arlong will be arriving soon. Until then, tell your friends about me!**


	7. Chapter 7

…

…

…

… **Since my last update, I have had to endure an attempt on my life, an 8-day stint in the hospital, having to drop out of college, move back in with my parents, and a general upheaval of what passed for my peace of mind. It was like Law was in a bad mood and went nuts with Shambles. Forgive me if it took me a little while to get back to writing!**

**Moping done. On to the fic!**

* * *

"Marry me!" Pearl moaned as he bit into a kebab.

Patty rolled his eyes. "Okay, at first that was funny, but that's the sixth time tonight! Are you all that drunk or do I give off that vibe? Because I can tell you right now that I got no interest in your schnitzel."

"Chillax, bro. It's just you're an awesome cook, and the way to a man's heart is his stomach," Buchi explained, pulling his new best friend away from attempting to plant one on the harried cook.

It was almost midnight, but the party was still going strong. The Armada was all huddled in a little triangle with the Baratie safe in the middle, and food and drink were flowing freely. The crews had started out segregated, but as the night wore on and the alcohol kicked in, they'd swung on ropes (with often comical results) from ship to ship to mingle and make new buddies. As Luffy said, they were all nakama.

"Everybody, step right up! It's time to play 'Hit the Buggy'! Ten points if you hit his chest! Fifty points if you hit his head! Can you touch the amazing splitting man? Come and see!" Usopp shouted, having obtained a candy-striped vest and cane from somewhere and gesturing to the various parts of Buggy floating all over the place.

"When I say 'one, two, Jango', you will be a prima donna ballerina. One, two, Jango!" slurred the hypnotist. A moment later, Carne had launched into a spirited performance of Swan Lake, to the rousing laughter of anyone that watched.

"A toast! To Zoro-sensei proving he's a bamf!" Cabaji shouted from the mast of the Bezan Black.

"KANPAI!" shouted everyone who heard before sucking down their cups.

Zeff chuckled to himself as he sucked on a cigar. He'd turned off the kitchens after the last batch of snacks, and he was enjoying the atmosphere now that he wasn't working to fuel it. "I'd forgotten how rowdy these kinds of parties could get. How'd I ever leave this behind?"

"How should I know, shitty geezer?" Sanji puffed on his own cigarette. He preferred a quick fix over the heavy-duty shit his old man smoked.

Zeff growled "Cheeky eggplant," before glancing at all the antics of the men. "It's weird. I expected it to be a bunch of suspicious groups warily forced to work together by the top dog, but it feels more like one huge crew grouped into teams. I wouldn't have believed it possible."

Sanji chuckled. "Luffy's the son of the devil. I'm not sure there's anything he can't do once he sets his mind to it."

Zeff gave his son a look from the corner of his eye. "You seem awfully sure considering you've barely known him a week. Something you're not telling me, lil' eggplant?"

Sanji was too mellowed by good booze and nicotine to tense. "That's for me to know and you to find out, crap geezer."

Zeff snorted and almost set fire to his mustache. "Whatever. I don't really care. I've never seen you so happy. If that eggplant king has something to do with that, than that's all I need to know."

Sanji felt his heart melt. "Thanks, pops."

There was a quiet moment of peace.

"Though if I catch you having sex in my kitchen, I'm cutting it off with my cleaver," Zeff tacked on.

"WHAT THE HELL, YOU CRAZY GEEZER?! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! I DON'T LIKE GUYS! I LIKE LADIES! **LADIES!** WITH THE BOUNCY-BOUNCY AND THE JIGGLE-JIGGLE AND THE SQUISH-SQUISH! HOW ON EARTH DID YOU GET THAT IDEA?!" Sanji exploded.

Kadoo tilted her head. She'd managed to catch that. "Hey, if Sanji was gay, wouldn't he and Zoro make an awesome couple?"

"Thank god!" Kaya shouted, startling Nami. The girls had been clustered together having some much-needed gossip while the menfolk acted like idiots. "I thought it was just me! You're right, they'd be freaking hot! Zoro's all strong and stoic, Sanji's awesome in kitchen and he's so flexible! Plus they're always fighting, so they'd have tons of rage and make-up sex! I'd pay my fortune to see that!"

"You've already paid it to do it yourself with Usopp," Nami reminded her roommate, her face pinched. The ridiculousness of the pairing aside, she found she simply didn't like the idea of Sanji with anyone. Why the hell was that?

"Speaking of the long-nose, does he earn all those screams of yours, or are you just trying to puff his ego?" Kadoo asked, leaning in.

"Girlfriend, he's a GOD. And it's not just his nose that's long, tee-hee!" Kaya giggled.

"Right, well, I just remembered I've got that, uh… that, uh… screw it, I'm leaving." Nami fled to the other end of the Merry. She did NOT need to know the details about Usopp's 'stuff'. Sure, he'd seen her in all her glory, but that was so she could get money. Hmm, wonder if they'd pull that again. Given how many more men were on the crew, she'd get rich off Happiness Punch… if they could actually pay up. Aw, well, you can't win them all.

Nami shook her head and looked up to find she'd somehow made it onto the Big Top. While Luffy just jumped from ship to ship, the rest of the Armada had gotten very good with swinging on ropes from the mast. So much so, that she could manage it unconsciously while buzzed. Hmm. She burst into giggles as she saw Luffy leading a Congo line with Gaimon and all the pets behind him. She'd seen him with Shushu a lifetime ago, but she'd never realized how good Luffy was with animals.

If only that extended to Fishmen.

"Hey, Captain!" she called out, sobering up.

"Yeah?" he asked, appearing at her side. His stomach was a little distended, but he wasn't a bowling ball like she'd come to expect when he ate at a party. He'd really learned self-control!

Nami frowned, chiding herself for getting side-tracked. "Look, I know we've been putting it off to make sure Zoro's okay, but my deadline to get back to Arlong Park is _tomorrow_. If I'm late, he'll start killing someone for every day I don't show up. Don't you think we should let them know?"

Luffy frowned. "Shit, you're right. Wait, how off schedule are we?"

Nami shrugged. "I showed up two days earlier the 'first' time. How much difference could two days make?"

Luffy kept his mouth shut. If they'd been two days late getting to Arabasta, Crocodile would have wound up King of the smoking crater that was once Alubarna. But he didn't want to break it to Nami. Hopefully nothing really bad happened. If it had… well, they all had to learn that things weren't going to be peaches and cream just because they knew one version of how things could turn out.

"Right. Well, I probably should let them know." Taking a deep breath, so much so he swelled up, he screamed "A-TEN-HUT!"

In an instant, all revelry ceased as the members of the Straw Hat Armada stood at attention. "HAI, CAPTAIN!"

Luffy chuckled. "At ease! I just have something important to say!" He really didn't want his crew to wind up like some anti-Marines. They were pirates, first and foremost.

As everyone got comfortable, Luffy cleared his throat. "Men, there's something I haven't told you. You see, Nami here," Luffy gestured to Nami, who gave a shy wave. This wasn't exactly what she expected. "She's got a problem. See, she was already part of another crew when she joined me. The Arlong Pirates, to be exact!"

"ARLONG?" Siam asked, looking as scared as when he pulled off his act.

"No wonder she's so scary," Larry commented, getting many nods at the Stooge's wisdom.

"Even the Don knew better than to mess with those guys," Gin said to himself.

"Alright, quiet down!" Luffy shouted. "The thing is, Nami didn't join of her own free will. When she was ten years old, Arlong and his gang invaded her island. He made everyone pay for their own lives, each month. Now Nami and her mother and sister weren't very wealthy. So her mother paid for her and her sister, to keep her daughters safe, and then Arlong killed her. Right in front of Nami."

Nami looked away. She was determined not to cry, though seeing how almost every face filled with anger on her behalf almost did her in. These men, who'd once been her enemies, were now sad that she was sad. It was so weird… and kind of heartwarming.

"As if that weren't enough, Arlong saw one of Nami's maps. He decided that no one but him could have such awesome maps, so he forced Nami to join his crew. And so, for eight long years, she's been forced to work for her mother's murderer, using her precious navigation skills to help her people's oppressors, hated by her friends that thought she betrayed them. And it was all because of ARLONG!"

A roar of rage filled the night.

"So you're going to go kick his ass, right Captain Luffy?" Mohji shouted.

Luffy gave a little grin. "Oh, I'm not going to kick his ass. You guys are."

The righteously angry mob went silent so fast it was like flipping a switch.

"Um, what do you mean, Don?" asked Woge, the navigator of the Don Pirates. He was basically Nami's exact opposite: male, generous, soft-spoken, with ice-blue hair. But he had a natural talent, unlike Moe and Buchi who just were interested and receptive to lessons.

"They're Fishmen weirdoes! There's no way we can beat them." Jango protested.

"I thought you said you weren't going to just use us as meat shields, Straw Hat!" Buggy accused.

Luffy frowned and raised a hand to quiet the grumbling. "Look, I'm not doing this because I'm scared or lazy. I'm not making you guys do this just because I don't want to. Believe me, I want to. I want to make Arlong **bleed** for everything he's done to Nami. But if I keep swooping in to take out all the bad guys, how are any of you going to get any stronger? Sure, we train every day, and you're all coming along nicely, but the only way to really tell how good you are in a fight is to _fight_. I can't be everywhere. If I shelter you all, then one day we come across too many guys for me to handle, how will you guys deal with it? I mean, sure, Zoro and Sanji and Nami and Usopp can help too, but as you all saw, we're not undefeatable. We aren't the only ones in our league, and when we fight, it can get close. Just look at Zoro! He won, but he almost died. He can still barely talk! It can't always be up to us to handle the fights. You guys need to do it too. For God's sakes, that's why we have an Armada: so we can all help each other when the fight goes down! And I NEED to be sure that you guys are up to the challenge!"

Luffy looked down on them all, and the weight of his expectation fell on each of them. "The Arlong Pirates are Fishmen. They can breathe underwater and are ten times stronger than humans. But that doesn't mean shit if you worked hard enough! I'm ten times stronger than Buggy or Gin, but that's because I earned it! I bled and sweat for that power! But if I pigged out and did nothing for a year while they worked for it, they could beat me easy! Listen; Arlong's gang might be from the Grand Line, but for the past eight years, they've done NOTHING! All they've done is hide out on Nami's island and terrorize ordinary humans. They've gotten soft! But you guys," Luffy grinned with pride, "you guys have been working so hard. You've done everything I've asked without complaint, because you know it's important to get ready for the Grand Line! You can take Arlong's crew! And if you can't, then it won't because they were Fishmen and you were human. It will be because you didn't fight HARD enough, didn't WANT it enough, because you GAVE UP!"

The men were almost in tears.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings! I love you guys! We're nakama! I'm just trying to tell the truth." Luffy took a breath. "You NEED this fight, boys. You need to prove to me that you're ready for what lies ahead! But even more important, you need to prove to YOURSELVES that you're ready. You need to see what all this training is for! You need to see what it's like to fight an enemy above your level and overcome them because you HAVE to! Because losing is NOT an option! Because if you lose, then that bastard is going to hurt your nakama! You need to prove that you're WORTHY to carry the name of Straw Hat! You came to me as different crews: Buggy, Black Cat, Krieg! But now, in your hearts, you are all the same. We fight with one mind, our blood beats with one heart! We. Are. NAKAMA!"

A many-voiced roar of pride shattered the night.

"So tell me boys, what are you going to do to those Arlong bastards that MADE NAMI CRY?!"

" **KICK THEIR ASSES!** " spoke the Armada.

"We're going to avenge Nami-sama!" shouted Shemp.

"We will prove ourselves to the Don!" proclaimed Pearl.

"And give those stinking Fishmen jerks the boot!" yelled Buchi, almost feral.

"And we'll have the victory feast piping hot and waiting for you!" proclaimed Carne.

"VIVA LA REVOLUTION! POUR L'AMOUR!" cried Sanji, visibly steaming.

Usopp shot off some fireworks into the sky, which only riled the men up more. This was no longer a party. It was the eve of war.

As Luffy nodded, satisfied his speech hadn't failed, he turned to Nami. She was looking at him with an unexplainable expression.

"What? Do I have something on my face? Is Hat crooked?" Luffy reached up to pat his head.

Nami shook her head. "This is going to sound weird… but you'd have been a damn good Marine."

* * *

The fact their blood was boiling didn't change the fact that a large percentage of it was alcohol. Plus it was important to get sleep for the fight ahead, so the men settled down and fell asleep by 1. Some of the Buggy Pirates thought they were still dreaming when Luffy woke them only to say that there would be no training today. Luffy told them and the other crews as he woke them to mentally prepare. Today was game day.

Each ship enjoyed breakfast and coffee to help with the hang-overs, prepared by the Baratie cook assigned to their ship for the day. It had been deemed impractical to have each crew actually go aboard the Baratie each meal time, especially when the ships were moving, so the staff had been put on a rotation of the ships. Except for Sanji, who handled all things Straw Hat crew in the food department. It worked out, since Zeff needed his men to actually sail his boat. He'd been in a pirate mind when he had it made, so it was almost as fast as Merry despite the weight and unusual shape, but the steering was tricky and required half his cooks working full-time paddling the bikes that powered the mechanism that worked the tail. It was a win-win situation, since his men needed to build some serious leg power to make his fighting style work.

Once they finished eating, the captains were summoned to Merry's galley for a planning session.

Zoro wearily greeted Buggy, Jango, and Gin, before returning to his nap. He hadn't even kicked up a fuss when he'd been told in no uncertain terms he wasn't going to participate in the fighting on Commi Island. Even he couldn't shrug off this much damage. It helped that Kaya actually had chains to threaten him with (exactly why she owned them was something that didn't bear thinking about).

"Okay, boys, let's begin." Nami unrolled a large map of Commi Island, with all the villages clearly marked. She pulled out a variety of colored paperweights, courtesy of Usopp. "Our target is the Arlong Pirate crew. The captain is Arlong himself, and he focuses on using his Fishman abilities in combat. His officers are Kuroobi, a karate master; Chew, a long-distance fighter; and Hacchi, a swordsman. There's roughly 80 crewmembers under them. They all spend most of their time here, in Arlong Park." Nami placed four of the marks on a spot on the map. "However, at any given moment, at least ten are out on patrol. These are the usual routes." She marked some x's on spots near the coast and made lines to show the route of each man. "It's worth mentioning that he has the local Marine Captain bribed.

"Here's my plan. We stash the ships in this cove, between Cocoyashi and Gosa. I report to Arlong, act as if everything's fine. The Black Cats will show if they've learned any stealth and ghost through the forest, and take out the patrols, preferably quietly. I will lure Arlong here, to my family's tangerine grove. When he leaves, the Don and Buggy crews storm the Park, with the Black Cats providing reinforcements if they finish in time. By the time Arlong gets back, the fight should be over, or close enough. When he goes ballistic, and he will, Luffy steps in to knock him down."

"What happened to us taking on Arlong?" Buggy asked.

"That was to inspire the men. You didn't honestly expect me to let you guys take on a former officer of the Sun Pirates, did you?" Luffy raised a brow. Buggy looked away, blushing.

Nami rolled her eyes. "Luffy will stay with the ships and use his Observation to keep tabs on everything. If anything gets FUBAR, he can be there fast enough to intervene. Usopp and Kaya will go to Arlong Park to provide support, Sanji will keep an eye out for the Marines, and Gaimon and the Baratie will guard the fleet."

"Those cute animals are on guard duty?" Gin asked skeptically.

"Appearances are deceiving. They've all been mimicking the crews in training, and Mohji has 'taught' them how to fight. They can handle themselves. Add that to Red-Leg Zeff himself, and we're safe."

Jango pursed his lips. "Seems like a decent enough plan. Though I don't know whether to feel relieved or insulted that my guys are responsible for only ten while the others are charging the fort."

"The fight at Arlong Park is going to be loud and messy. You're expected to take down these scouts without any of them raising the alarm. You'll need to coordinate to take them down fast and hard. The guards all have Baby Den-Den Mushi's with a direct line to Arlong. Yes, you have Luffy as a safety net, but this is supposed to be a field test of how you'll do in the Grand Line. And there's some time-sensitive stuff our nakama are involved in in Paradise, so we don't have time to wait."

Buggy launched his hands at the ceiling. "What the hell is with these 'nakama' of yours? How do you have this information? I'm still trying to puzzle out how Sanji knew you guys since based on everything I've heard, he's never left that restaurant since Zeff-sama built it! And there's still four more, if Luffy wasn't lying when I first asked. Who are they and where are they, exactly?"

Usopp tickled his chin. "Well, we're meeting our doctor on Drum Island, our archaeologist on Arabasta or perhaps Whiskey Peak, our shipwright in Water 7 and our musician…" For some reason, Usopp went pale as the crewmate he was about to name. "Um, yeah, so don't worry about that stuff. It's our little secret."

Buggy huffed and let it go. "Forget it, it's not worth the headache. This seems simple enough. When do we reach the island?"

"Two hours. Do whatever you guys do to pump up your crews before a fight." Nami waved them out before turning on Usopp. "Okay, what is it?"

Usopp looked to be fighting tears. "Brook."

"What about him?" Sanji asked. Luffy's lips had thinned to a line.

"After 50 years in the darkness, 50 years with nothing but his memories to keep him company, he got one month with us. Then he got separated from us for two whole years. And then, after finally getting back together with us for barely another two weeks… he woke up back on that ship. With absolutely no concrete proof that it wasn't all a dream."

Kaya covered her mouth. "How horrible!"

Nami and Sanji looked like they'd been punched in the gut.

Luffy sighed. "I thought about that. And there's no way Franky or Robin went to get him, because he's still missing his shadow. I'm not saying they couldn't take on Moria, but they wouldn't take the risk. It would change too much, and they couldn't have known we were all sent back." He clenched his fists so tight they went white. "The truth is, I'm not sure what state Brook will be in when we meet him. He was so lonely before we found him. This might have been the final straw. He might have… cracked."

"Don't say that!" Nami screamed.

Luffy didn't react to her. "I'm hoping Chopper will know some way to fix him. I even thought about bringing Laboon with us to meet him, but when we got to Sabaody he'd have the same problem as he does at Reverse Mountain, and having to separate again would probably do more harm than good."

Zoro forced his eyes open. "He'll be okay. He's miserable right now, but he's fine. He's a Straw Hat. He knows we're coming for him."

"Thus spoke the Great Marimo," Sanji muttered. "Anyway, we need to get ready. Let's just put it out of our minds and hope for the best. For all we know he beat that zombie that had his shadow and he's waiting for us with Laboon."

"Man that would be a dream come true. Literally!" Usopp sighed and went out. After one last check on Zoro, Kaya followed. It looked like her boyfriend needed some comforting. Sanji went outside for a smoke. Luffy gave Nami a hand on Nami's shoulder in silent support and left. The woman sighed and looked down at the map, alone but for Zoro's snores.

Time to face her demons. Again.

* * *

The ships made good time, the usual antics of the crews muted in light of the ordeal ahead. The chimney of the Baratie was already releasing smoke, meat simmering for the victory feast. It was an optimistic gesture, but also a self-fulfilling prophecy; the men would fight to the last breath just so they could earn the right to eat that food.

"Land ho!" shouted the lookout from the Bezan Black, alerting the Armada. Everyone looked up from their jobs to glance at the horizon, where Nami's homeland and the lair of their toughest enemy yet was just visible.

It was then that the men got their first taste of the Grand Line.

With no warning, an explosion seemed to happen in the sea right next to the Baratie.

"Bohze moi!" shouted Myassa.

As the water settled, it became clear that there was some creature hidden within the spray. It cleared to reveal what appeared to be a cow, only with green spots instead of black, and a scaled belly. Its maw was open, showing that unlike its land-based counterpart, it wasn't an herbivore, as evidenced by the many serrated teeth. If the many strings of saliva dripping from them were any indication, it was hungry.

"MOOOOOOO! (RAWRRRRRRR!)"

"What the hell is that?" shouted Siam.

"It's a Sea Cow! There's a family of Sea Kings that look like land animals, but they're unique to the Grand Line! Arlong must have brought it along with him!" Buggy answered, his eyes wide. "Nami, something you forgot to mention?"

"Oh, yeah. That's Mohmoo, Arlong's pet." Nami shrugged, totally unconcerned. "Must have slipped my mind."

"HOW COULD THAT MONSTER HAVE POSSIBLY SLIPPED YOUR MIND?" Buggy demanded.

Mohji tapped his captain's shoulder. "Um, Captain? Did you forget we have a bigger monster?"

Buggy turned to see Mohmoo no longer looming over the Baratie, looking a second from attacking. Instead, he was sunk in the water down to his head, eyes wide, looking at Luffy, who was holding up his hand in a 'stop' motion. The light seemed to be bending weirdly around them, a physical hint at the presence of Haki.

"Your name is… Mohmoo?" Luffy asked.

As if afraid one twitch in the wrong direction would bring about his certain doom, Mohmoo nodded slowly.

"You have a choice to make, Mohmoo. Choose between me and Arlong. If you choose me, I will make you my pet. I will feed you and love you and give you a family. If you choose Arlong… I will make you lunch."

Mohmoo shivered. This two-legs was even smaller than Arlong. But somehow, he was more scared than he'd ever been in his life. He didn't want to get eaten. Taking a breath, he flipped over, going belly-up. By putting himself in such a helpless position, he showed his submission.

Luffy grinned and dropped the aura. That was the fastest that'd ever happened. Then again, it wasn't fair comparing the comparatively gentle Sea Cow to the monsters of Rusukaina. He reached out to rub the aquatic bovine's belly. "Good boy." Stretching behind him, Luffy plucked Gaimon by the hair and dragged him over. Ignoring the harrumph of the box-man, Luffy spoke to the righted Mohmoo. "This is Gaimon. He's going to take care of you and show you how my pets should act." That done, Luffy hopped back to Merry.

Seeing the faces of most of the other three crews all staring at him, Luffy tilted his head. "What?"

They one and all hung their heads. Their captain was a monster among monsters.

Nami sighed. "You get used to it boys. That or have a manic episode!"

Luffy rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll be napping and listening." So saying, he laid back on his special seat, plopped Hat on his face, and went still.

In short order, Nami had navigated them to the cove. It was a tight fit, but that was the price of privacy; no patrols came to this cove _because_ it was too small to easily maneuver out of. The Baratie staff took a break from feast prep to wave goodbye to the crews, gathered on the beach.

Nami took a moment to check up on her Clima-Tact. She'd only finished all the tinkering last night and she didn't want to miss anything. "Weather Eggs loaded? Check. Alloy strengthened? Check. Heat, cold, and shock gates modified? Check. How did I pay for borrowing and slightly destroying Usopp's tools in the process? Check." Her inspection done, Nami twirled her trusty miracle baton a few times before breaking apart and clipping the segments to her belt.

"Alright!" Nami shouted, ceasing the chatter. She was back in the forest-camo tank she'd worn the 'first' time, to help her get in character. "Black Cats, search and destroy. Don and Buggy, set up the ambush. Usopp and Kaya, make sure they don't get killed. Sanji-kun, keep an eye out for the rat. Ready? BREAK!"

"Good luck! Kick some Fishman ass!" Patty called out.

"You're a very special animal, yes you are," Gaimon cooed, all his attention on Mohmoo.

Luffy gave a tiny snore.

With that, Operation Shark Hunt was a-go!

* * *

Nami walked down the dirt path she knew so well, feeling a curious mixture of giddiness and dread coil in her belly. She could hear the rustling as the two crews shadowed her through the trees, waiting for when Arlong left and they could attack the park. Really, there was no reason to be nervous. As opposed to last time, they had the numbers, the knowledge, and she herself could probably take on Arlong and win with her Sorcery Clima-Tact. Victory was all but assured. So why did she have this sinking feeling that something was going to go wrong?

Before long, she had reached the gates of Arlong Park. She looked up at the tower where she'd spent so many unhappy years. She took a deep breath, reaching for the mask she'd made to survive among her tormentors. As she reached forward for the handle, something glinted at the corner of her eye. On reflex, she turned, hoping to find a coin or dropped piece of jewelry.

Nature had not been kind to the corpse. The sun had already baked the moisture out of the skin, giving it the leathery tone of a mummy, though the lividity marks suggested it was reasonably fresh. Crows had already picked out the eyes, their sharp talons leaving harsh scratch marks on the delicate skin surrounding the now gaping sockets. The wriggling forms of maggots squirmed along the ragged tear of the throat, the clear cause of death. The body couldn't have been four feet tall. It was just a child. A male child.

Nami felt her gorge rise and forced it down. The bile burned her throat, but she felt she deserved the pain. The old memory rose up clear as day. When she'd returned the 'first' time, there had been a boy. Filled with impotent rage at his father's murder, he'd come with his little dagger to kill Arlong. She'd knocked him aside, scolding him, sending him running. She had saved his life, even if he hadn't realized it at the time.

" _How much difference could two days make?"_

Tears filled Nami's eyes, clouding her vision, but still she could see the corpse of the poor boy. It was tattooed on the backs of her eyelids, seared into her brain. How could she have been so arrogant? She'd been so certain everything would work out perfectly, because she knew how it was going to happen, she was from the future, she'd already lived it once. But that future was the sum of a million million circumstances aligning to make it so. One little detail left out would have resulted in a different outcome. How much could two days change? Everything, to a grief-mad child from Gosa.

She didn't even know his name.

How long she stood there frozen, she didn't know. But eventually she found her way back to herself. She dried her eyes, and felt something harden inside her. In a way, she was responsible for this. She'd procrastinated, not pushing the trip to her island, out of concern for Zoro. But the world didn't stop for her and her crew. Their lives weren't a fairy tale or epic or some damn manga. Happy endings weren't guaranteed. So she was damn well going to have to make her own.

Turning away from what was left of the boy, she opened the gates. She'd wasted enough time. There was a plan, and she had to play her part.

"Ah, Nami! How nice to see you! I was getting worried there. It's been so long," Arlong called out, that mocking grin of his glinting in the sun.

Nami felt a smile just as false cover her face. "Give me a break, Arlong. I predict the weather, I don't control it. I hit a bad patch and it slowed me down."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'd hate to have had to _incentivize_ you over a bit of bad luck," Arlong drawled, a sadistic glint in his eye.

Nami resisted the urge to blast the bastard into West Blue courtesy of Lightning-chan. This was a test for her nakama, not a chance for her to relive her vengeance. "Whatever. I trust things were all quiet back here."

Arlong shrugged. "Nothing major. Some goody two-shoes Marines came to try and stop me. We took them down easy thanks to your sea charts, we moved a boulder and sunk them with a whirlpool." Arlong then grinned even wider. "Oh, and I had to pay a visit to your old home. Turns out that crazy old man Gen was planning a rebellion. He had a whole stockpile of dangerous weapons! Shahahahaha! Well, he won't be causing any more trouble now! I made sure of that."

Something in Nami's head went 'click'. Surely she hadn't heard that right? She must have misheard. Because if she hadn't, then she was going to do something ill-advised. Like run head-first into a sturdy wall. Or bite out Arlong's heart. Time enough to check on that later. Now was game time.

Arlong raised up his hands. "Yo, everyone! Nami's back!"

With a cheer, an aquarium of Fishmen burst out of the three pools of Arlong Park. A party was soon underway and Nami found herself smiling and chuckling and trading small talk with the creatures she was forced to call 'friend'. She still had this odd sense that something world-shattering had happened, but it couldn't have been that important if she couldn't remember it, right?

When she'd reached her quota of false enthusiasm, she turned to Arlong. "Oh, by the way, I have the 100 million."

Arlong froze. Slowly, he turned to face Nami, his face oddly slack. "… Really? You hadn't mentioned you were getting close."

"Why bother alerting you until I had the full amount? This trip was especially profitable. I've got it all stashed back at my old house. Won't you come with me to check it out? After all, our deal is to show you 100 million Beri, right? So come with me so I can show you." Nami's grin was wide, her tone carefully kept clean of sarcasm. No need to piss him off until all his reinforcements were taken care of.

Arlong forced a smile, though his eyes burned with rage. "Indeed it was. Well, let's not waste any time. Let's go see this 100 million Beri."

Chew spoke up. "Chew! Actually, I'll leave with you. It's been a while since the patrols reported and I want to make sure those lazy bums haven't fallen asleep."

The three walked out the gates, the tension a palpable weight. The moment the gates closed, the crew of renegade Fishmen broke out into concerned chatter.

"Nyu~! This is bad! If Nami-chan can show Arlong she has the money, then there's no way he can't let her go! And then his dream of conquering the East Blue with her maps will be ruined! What're we going to do, what're we going to do, WHAT'RE WE GOING TO DO?!" Hachi panicked, his six arms flailing.

"Calm down, you drama king crab!" Kuroobi snapped. "Arlong-sama will find some way to wiggle out of this. Then it's just a quick call to that greedy little captain and the problem's solved."

"Ah, that's right," Hachi noted, slapping three fists down on three palms.

"Still, it's kind of odd how it came out of nowhere like that. You'd think Nami-san would be bragging about finally being rid of us. Did she seem any different before she left on her last trip?" asked one of the grunts.

"Now that you mention it, she did seem to have an odd spring in her step. She had this huge smile on her face, not one of those fake ones when we have our parties," remarked another.

Kuroobi narrowed his eyes. "And she had a new weapon on her this time. Her staff was metal, not wood."

"Maybe her old one broke," offered an underling.

"And she replaced it with a more expensive one? That's not like her. And she did show up very late. The deadline's today, and she usually leaves herself a cushion of at least a day."

"She said she hit a bad patch," Hachi spoke up.

"There hasn't been any typhoons reported in the paper. Anything less she'd be able to see coming and avoid. Something doesn't smell right about this," growled the most paranoid of Arlong's officers.

"You're overthinking this, aren't you Kuroobi-san?" challenged an older crewmate with glasses and already pink in the cheeks.

At that precise moment, the entire outside wall of the Park went down in a cloud of dust and rubble.

"What the hell?!" shouted the shocked Fishmen.

The dust cleared to reveal a line of men in two distinct groups, one looking like an asylum had joined the circus, the other all looking like they could do with a few extra meals. Leading the pack was a clown with a giant red rubber nose twirling a number of knives through his hands and a guy holding up tonfa that seemed to have cannonballs on the ends.

"Knock-knock," rasped the tonfa man. "Special delivery to Arlong Park. One ass-kicking."

"What the hell are all you humans doing here?" growled Kuroobi.

The clown led loose a laugh that made nails dragged down a chalkboard seem like golden bells. "For the crimes of torturing the nakama of Buggy the Clown, I hereby sentence you all to a flashy execution!" He raised a hand and called over his shoulder. "FOR THE ARMADA! FOR THE CAPTAIN! FOR NAMI!"

"FOR NAMI!" roared the crowd of men.

And with no more preamble than that, Arlong Park was under attack.

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

Three Fishmen were hanging out on the dock near Gosa. Technically, they were on watch for any ships that could notice them and raise the alarm on Arlong's presence on the island, but once the economy of the island had dried up under the strain of Arlong's 'tributes', the ships had stopped coming on their own.

"Hey, shouldn't Nami be coming back today?" one of them thought aloud.

"Yeah, unless she's gotten bitter and she's staying away so Arlong-sama will kill off those villagers that curse her out."

The third one laughed. "It's all so tragic. She's doing all this to save them and they think she betrayed them. It's like one of those cheesy plays!"

"WAH~!"

The three looked up, their boring afternoon broken by some wimpy yell. They turned and saw the strangest human they'd ever seen. He had green hair in some girly hairstyle, gloves with what looked like claws on the ends, a thick fur coat and a pair of shorts that barely cleared his knee, showing off his unshaved legs. He was running straight at them, his eyes closed, his arms flailing, and doing some kind of waddling movement with his legs.

"WAH~! I'm going to beat you guys up!" he shouted, sounding like a little kid charging the bully twice his size.

The Anglerfish Fishman tilted his head, his antenna bobbing. "What the hell?"

"What's with this idiot?" whined the second.

"Looks weak, even for a human," the third scoffed.

At that moment, the man opened his eyes. And they were glinting with malevolent mischief. "Appearances can be deceiving," he purred. Then he suddenly tripled in speed, and by the time the Fishmen realized that he was in their personal space, he'd already jumped back.

"What the heck? He's fast. I better tell Arlong-sama!" The 'leader' reached into his pocket and clutched empty air. "What? Where's the Den Den Mushi?"

"Oh, so sorry. Are these yours?" the human asked with saccharine concern, holding up three sleeping baby snails in his hands.

"Give those back and I'll let you keep your teeth, human," growled one of the Fishmen.

The man tilted his head. "I think you're confused. It's the cat that eats the fish, not the other way around."

Six men suddenly burst out of the water, heaving themselves onto the deck. Before the Fishmen could even move, two of them had been tackled, stabbed, and subdued by three each of the strangers in cat costumes.

"Guys!" cried out the third, looking back in horror.

"You should be looking up!" came a yell from above.

The Fishman had a brief impression of a cow before consciousness left him with a very painful crunch.

Siam walked up to his brother to pat him on the back. "Nice Cat-a-Pult there, Buchi."

The tuxedo cat man grinned and held up a fist for his brother to bump. "You did good too. You were almost fast as Cap—I mean Kuro when you picked those guys' pockets."

"Oh, you're just saying that." The second greenhead of the Armada looked at the other two Fishmen, now getting tied up by the smug nakama that had ambushed them. "And congrats to you guys. You took these two down like it was nothing. Are these guys really naturally stronger than us?"

"It doesn't matter if you can lift mountains or jump over the moon. With the element of surprise, we are all equally vulnerable." The Black Cats turned to see their Captain coming over to them with his distinctive walk. "Excellent job Nyaban Brothers, Abraham, Giuseppe, Casey, O'Malley, Toulouse, and Berlioz." Jango nodded to each of his men in turn. "I'm sure all the other teams took down their weird targets as well as you guys did."

They all grinned. They all knew that managing to sneak attack and outnumber an enemy hardly proved they were all that strong. But the fact that the enemies were Grand Line veterans, albeit gone to seed, was an excellent confidence boost.

Jango cleared his throat. "Everyone should be done by now. I guess we should all head over to the Park to watch the Captain kick these weirdo's boss."

"That should be fun to watch!" The Black Cats had barely taken a step before their cheerful mood was soiled.

"CAPTAIN JANGO! HELP US! HELP—"

They all turned to see one of their nakama, dragging the bloody bodies of two of his fellows, collapse to the ground from what looked like a bullet wound. Behind him, walking at a leisurely pace, was a Fishman that was to lips as Usopp was to noses. There was no mistaking the hatred in his eyes.

"How curious," the stranger remarked in a lisping falsetto. "I come to see why all the scouts seem to have fallen asleep, and find them ganged up on by some deviant humans. You certainly don't see that every day."

Jango gave a weak smirk. Based on Nami's information, this was Chew, one of Arlong's officers. And he wasn't unsuspecting, he was ready for a fight. Part of him wanted to run for the hills, but that image was quickly supplanted by the image of his Captain smiling. Luffy had faith in him. Now it was time to earn that.

"What can I say? We were hungry for some tuna and found some walking around on two legs. We just had to try it."

Chew's eyes flashed with murderous intent. "I was already going to kill you for harming my brethren. But for that little wisecrack, I'm going to make it slow."

Jango started to twirl one of his chakram around his finger. "When he's distracted, grab the guys and make for the Park. Get them to Kaya-sama and Kadoo."

"But Captain, how're you going to beat this guy? He looks tough and you don't have the drop on him!" Siam bit his lip.

Jango turned and tilted his sunglasses, giving his nakama a droll look. "Please. Like I could lose to this weirdo."

"Insolent human!" spat Chew. Apparently he had good hearing. "Water Gun!" he shouted before spitting with such speed and pressure that it was as good as a bullet.

Jango dodged with style, moving his head out of the way by going into his disco pose, his finger pointing behind him as he looked at the ground. He looked up into the outraged face of Chew. "Denied. Sorry, but cats hate getting wet."

While Chew was busy being offended, Jango reached into his coat for one of his chakram and flung it at Chew. The marksman dodged lest his lips get separated from his body. Jango didn't let up, sending a constant stream of bladed disks at Chew while the others grabbed Chew's victims and booked for Arlong Park.

"Enough of this!" Chew pulled off one last dodge and dived into the ocean.

Jango immediately ran off into the trees. "Like hell I'm just going to stand there in view of the water. Let the prey come to you." He patted his pockets and sweatdropped. "Just as well that he did that, I guess. I got so caught up I forgot to keep count. I'm out." He looked down to his last remaining chakram, the one he used for hypnosis hanging on a string. "Don't let me down, buddy."

After a few minutes, Chew hopped out of the ocean. He was comically distended from all the water he'd swallowed, but it was no laughing matter. "Where'd that puny human go?" he muttered, scanning the environment. He paused when he spotted a flash of color. He spent a minute staring at the purple sticking out from behind a tree. "He can't possibly think he's camouflaged in that."

Rolling his eyes, Chew readied his diaphragm and let loose. "Hundred Shot Water Gun!" he roared before making like a turret.

The foliage was torn to shreds by the water. When it finally died down, it looked like a team of termites on drugs had torn through the thick patch of trees.

Chew huffed. "Chew! That takes care of that."

"I LIVE!" shouted Jango, rising from a mound of leaves like a vampire from a coffin, his arms held out before him. When he was vertical, he tore off the shreds of his coat and blew the ruin of his hat off his head with an upward exhale. Other than the damage to his wardrobe, he seemed to have escaped the assault with little more than grazes. "Hmm, looks like I need new clothes. They were tacky anyway."

Chew snarled. "Do you mock me? What are you even doing here? You some kind of mercenary the islanders hired?"

Jango chuckled. "Nope. Nothing like that. Captain Jango of the Black Cat Pirates. Nice to meet you."

Chew narrowed his eyes. "What're you doing here then? Thought if you beat Arlong-sama you'd get a reputation boost?"

"Not at all. Let's just say you Fishman weirdoes hurt the friend of a friend. We came along to help him pay you guys back."

Chew threw his head back and laughed. "You threw your lives away for that? How stupid are you?"

Jango froze. If there was one thing you should never call him, it was 'stupid'. Kuro had called him stupid on a daily basis, when Jango knew for a fact he was above-average intelligence at least. Hypnosis wasn't as simple as waving something back and forth. It required an intense knowledge of psychology and the human body, so he knew what limits he could push, and a certain focus and mental presence that came with intense practice to slip past people's mental defenses. His art was a demanding one, not something any idiot could do, and he was a master. He was _not_ stupid.

"Call me stupid… one more time," Jango growled, his voice sub-zero.

Chew sneered. "Stu~pid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! When the stupid people of the world gather, you're their king! What you going to do about it, human?"

Tigers with empty bellies grinned at helpless deer the way Jango grinned at Chew. He brought up his ring and set it swinging. "When I say 'One, Two, Jango', you won't be able to see or hear me."

"You resorting to party tricks? How pathetic can you get?" Chew growled.

"One, Two, Jango!" the hypnotist intoned.

Chew blinked and the man vanished.

"Huh? Where'd he go?"

Chew carefully scanned the environment, but he couldn't find hide nor hair of the weird human.

"Hmm. Must have run off while I was distracted. Pathetic weakling. But what more could you expect from a –"

Chew's back bowed and his eyes went white as a searing white pain flashed through his spine. As he collapsed to the ground, his back gushing blood, Jango flicked the liquid off his ring.

"That's what you get for calling me stupid. You weirdo."

* * *

"Remember, Pearl-san. Everyone bleeds. It's not the end of the world to get injured, as long as you keep fighting. Some girls actually love scars. You shouldn't be so scared of bodily harm," Kaya soothed, dabbing the minor cut on the shield fighter's arm. The man had managed to take down a half a dozen Fishmen before he'd been benched for fear he'd go pyromaniac.

"R-right. And fire would hurt my nakama. I'll try to remember that," the man whispered, looking haunted.

Usopp rolled his eyes as he 'discouraged' yet another Fishman from attacking the first-aid area. "This guy's got a serious problem. What the hell happened to him?"

"Krieg found him in a jungle. Apparently he'd been abandoned as a kid. He'd developed this reflex of starting a fire when he got hurt to scare away animals. He was strong as a gorilla, so Krieg slapped some shields on him and made him the Second Mate," explained a Don pirate as Kadoo finished splinting his leg.

The fight was going pretty well, all told. Buggy and Don Pirates each teamed up to take down individual Fishmen, like a pack of wolves downing a bear. Though even glancing blows from the other species was enough to get a man sent to Kaya and Kadoo, the crews were able to dodge and distract without getting too much in each other's way.

The officers and captains, on the other hand, were doing perfectly fine fighting solo.

"Look, Richie! Dinner!" Mohji shouted, using his whip to trip the Fishmen that ran screaming from the slobbering lion pouncing after them.

"Feel the wrath of my Acrobatic Swordplay!" Cabaji yelled as he dashed through the crowd on his unicycle, using all Zoro had taught him to slash down the Arlong Pirates.

"Bara Bara Rice Cracker!" Buggy shouted, sending his lower half spinning at Hachi.

The Octopus Fishman slashed with all six of his swords, practically julienning Buggy's legs. But the blade sticking out of his shoe and the sharpened tip of his peg leg still found their way into his flesh. "Nyu~! That's cheating, you bastard! My Six Sword Style doesn't work on you!"

Buggy laughed. "Hello? Pirate! There's no such thing as cheating for someone like me."

Hachi frowned. "Well, if that's the way you feel." Taking a deep breath, the swordsman shouted "Tako Hachi Black!" as he let loose with the ink his species was known for.

"Whoa!" Buggy yelled as he split vertically to avoid the jet of coal-black liquid. As he came back together, a look of disgust flashed across his face. "Did… did you seriously just puke at me as an attack?"

Hachi grinned. "That's the wonder of my Fishman heritage. Just look at all my lovely arms. Aren't I marvelous?" he asked as he went into something that vividly reminded Buggy of Sanji when a woman called his name.

"If you're going to sink that low to try and win, then no more Mr. Nice Guy! Bara Bara Festival!" Buggy's body suddenly burst apart into dozens of different pieces. As he did, all the knives hidden on his person seemed to appear out of nowhere as the motion knocked them loose from their hiding places. Then, before Hachi's disbelieving eyes, the knives seemed to fly through the air to attach to Buggy's floating parts.

"And now my ultimate attack! Bara Bara Chainsaw!" With that, every piece of Buggy started to spin so fast it blurred. With the knives riding shotgun, the effect was of a whirlwind of slicing death. Hachi's swords were knocked aside as he raised them in defense, the sheer force of the rotation overcoming his natural strength.

"Nyu~!" the kindest Arlong Pirate yelped as his world became glinting metal and sharp, sweet pain. When Buggy finally had mercy, it looked like someone had stuck Hachi in a blender. He slowly collapsed forward, eyes blank.

Buggy reassembled and started the laborious process of unsticking the knives and putting them back in their slings. As he jerked one off his flesh, he took a moment to trace the skin the metal had been attracted to. "Magnets. Huh. I don't know who's crazier: Usopp for coming up with the idea or me for letting him stick them in."

The clown turned to see Gin avoid another palm strike from his own opponent. Despite the sheer weight of his weapons, Gin's style was actually quite agile. He'd worked out over time exactly how to use the cannonball tonfa and their momentum as counterweights to allow him to pull off some truly impressive gymnastics. He needed every bit of it to dodge the strikes of Kuroobi.

The Ray Fishman tried to hide his panting, clinging to bravado. "You have no hope of besting me, puny human. I'm a Level 40 Fishman Karate Master. One blow from me would be enough to kill you."

Gin huffed. "I heard you the twelfth time. And you still haven't managed to actually land a blow, have you?"

Kuroobi scowled. "Insolence. Do you not realize that your rebellion goes against the will of Heaven? Fishmen are simply superior to humans. This whole fight is an exercise in futility."

"I'll agree with you on that one. If this is the best you got, there's no way you can beat me." Gin grinned. "And I have it on good authority that I'm more devil than man, so you might want to rethink your whole eugenic spiel."

Kuroobi's eye twitched. He slipped into a stance. "I'll show you the hopelessness of your struggle! My 1000 Tile True Punch is the true essence of Fishman Karate, and capable of ending you with barely a touch!"

Instead of a cowering human, he got a cannonball to his jaw. Kuroobi's last thought was that the stars had come out early as he fell back on the ground, his teeth landing beside him.

Gin rolled his eyes. "Can't believe he left me an opening like that. How long has it been since these guys were in an actual fight?"

Looking around, it was clear the fight was over. Every Fishman was down on the ground, dead to the world, while the Armada, while sporting some pretty big boo-boos, were all still alive and kicking.

"Um… what do we do now?" asked Shemp.

Usopp cleared his throat. "We all get the hell out of ground zero and find good spots for the show, gentleman! Arlong's going to be spitting mad when he sees what we've done to his chumps, and Luffy's going to teach him not to mess with his nakama. Now, we need to volunteers to carry the wounded! Remember who your buddy is! Try to limp in a single-file line!"

* * *

Nami felt like she was walking through a ghost town as she led Arlong through Cocoyashi. A visit from a Fishman was enough to make people keep their head down, but this total absence was unusual. The odd weight in her mind gave a little twitch, waiting for her to acknowledge, and again she ignored it.

Before she knew it, there were at Bellemere's grove. She led her childhood nightmare to the secret compartment and lifted it up, revealing the first 100 million she'd gathered within six months of waking up in the past. She kept her eye on Arlong. She'd imagined this moment so many times, back when she was naïve enough to believe Arlong would stay true to the spirit of his vow as well as the letter.

Arlong's eyes quickly surveyed the pile of cash, jewels, and gold. He'd never imagined she'd actually be able to be pull it off. Figured she'd be as good a thief as she was a cartographer. "I'm impressed, Nami. This all is certainly worth a great deal of money."

Nami raised a brow. "But?"

Arlong grinned. Good, she wasn't overreacting. He'd hate to make this difficult. "I asked for 100 million Beri. As in cash. I've no doubt all this collateral will fetch a pretty penny, but I'm afraid you haven't quite met the conditions of our agreement."

Nami grinned genially. She hadn't expected anything less, but she still felt a surge of anger at how determined the bastard was to own her. "I see. Well, I'll see to that on my next trip. I'm sure I'll get all I need."

"You do that. In the meantime, there's some fresh charts waiting in your room." With that, Arlong turned to head back to the Park. He didn't even wait until he was out of sight before he pulled out the Den Den Mushi.

As Nami lowered the lid, she saw Nojiko come out of the house towards her. Turning to face her sister, Nami felt a real grin split her lips. "Hey. There's some minor details to work out, but we'll be free by sunset!" It wasn't even a lie.

"That's great," Nojiko said, her lips twitching, but otherwise not reacting. Nami noticed her sister was oddly subdued.

"Nojiko? What's wrong?"

Her sister in all but blood looked into her eyes. Nami noticed they were bloodshot with bags under them. "Did he tell you about Gen-san?" the bluehead asked.

The words were like a key to the lock holding Nami's pain back. She staggered as the horrible realization that Gen-san, the neighbor that had scolded her for stealing, who had endured such terrible injuries trying to protect her, who had been the only man to make Bellemere smile, was gone. He was _gone_ , and he wasn't supposed to be! He was supposed to hug her and have some guy talk with Luffy and yell after her when she stole his wallet during her big exit.

But they'd been two days late. Usopp hadn't been there to distract Arlong. Gen had managed to convince the villagers not to rebel, sacrificing himself for their war of patience. Arlong had snapped his neck for owning an antique pistol that was more likely to take your hand than hit the target if fired. Arlong had taken her father from her too.

In her old life, when she'd felt like her life was falling apart around her, she'd broken down in tears.

But she wasn't that pathetic little girl anymore.

Nami steadied herself. "Where is he?"

Nojiko's eyes widened. There was murder in her little sister's eyes. "We buried him next to Bellemere. It's what she would have wanted."

With a nod, Nami turned and made her way to the bluff. The ground swiftly vanished under her feet, hate lending her an energy she'd never known. In what felt like seconds, she was standing before the familiar, weatherworn cross. The larger one next to it was new, and the earth was fresh in a square where they'd dug. A pinwheel was planted in the ground between the two graves, turning in the wind.

Nami bowed her head and thought of the good times. She'd been a rebellious child, but she'd had people tough yet gentle enough to correct her without smothering her. She remembered Bellemere admiring her first map and Gen telling her Bellemere's story over a cup of hot chocolate. They were both gone, but she'd always have the memories.

And they'd both been taken by the same person. The same one that had caused her so much pain, robbed her of her childhood, stolen the hope of her people.

Feeling her fury coalesce into a single word, Nami threw back her head and cried it to the sky.

" **ARLONG!** "

The next instant, two men appeared on the slope.

"Nami-swan, what's wrong?! Did someone hurt you? Where is he? I'll make a custard from his bones!" Sanji ranted, hovering near his beloved Nami, but hanging back on seeing the practically visible waves of anger flowing off her.

"Nami?" Luffy asked, his voice calm, his eyes concerned.

Nami turned, and both men almost gasped. They recognized the fire in her eyes. They'd seen it in each other. It was the light of one about to go to war.

"Sanji-kun," she stated. "Arlong called Nezumi. When he shows up, express my displeasure at his idiocy in trying to steal my treasure."

Sanji merely nodded. "As you wish," he answered.

Her gaze turned to Luffy. "Change of plans, Captain. _I'm_ going to take down Arlong. Got a problem with that?"

Luffy adjusted Hat. "Nope."

That done, Nami turned and began striding with violent purpose. As she passed Nojiko, who'd followed after her, the older girl raised a brow.

"Where'd those two come from?"

* * *

Arlong gaped, unable to believe what he was seeing. His brethren, those that understood their rightful place as he did, were strewn like dummies across his beloved Park. This was impossible. No one could have done this. Well, no one outside the Grand Line. But someone had.

As Arlong gazed at his beaten comrades, feeling his horror fuel his rage, someone spoke to him.

"Arlong."

The rogue Captain turned to see Nami, her staff assembled and resting on her shoulder.

"Nami. I have no idea how this could have happened. It doesn't make any sense. But when I find those responsible, I swear—"

"It was my crew."

Arlong paused. He slowly turned, and realized that Nami was looking at him like she was sizing up an opponent. The hilarity of the situation was lost in his anger.

"Your crew?"

Nami's lips curved into a smile hard as steel. "I met the man who will become the Pirate King. He's a bit of an idiot, but he has a heart as big as his dream. And he has the strength and will to make it reality. He showed me things I never would have believed possible. I watched as he freed a country from a drought, felled a god, defied the world to save a friend, and vanquished a demon of blackest shadow. He bows his head to no man, whether King or Noble or Emperor. And along the way, he inspired me to find the same strength within myself."

"Spare me the poetry," Arlong hissed. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

"I distracted you so that his crew could beat yours. And now I'm here to kill you."

Arlong couldn't contain his laughter. "Shahahahaha! Kill me? How many times have you tried in the past? Assassins, poison, none of it worked!"

"That was before I had this," she said, twirling her staff and taking a two-handed grip.

"You think an iron staff will be that much better than a wooden one? Stop this nonsense now and I'll let _some_ of your villagers live," Arlong growled.

Nami narrowed her eyes. "Gust Sword."

Next thing Arlong knew, he was flying through the air at incredible speeds. Before he could figure out how that happened, his flight was brought to a sharp stop by his back hitting the wall on the other side of Arlong Park.

Shaking his head of the cobwebs, Arlong looked up, determined to put Nami in her place. But she wasn't there. He looked left and right, but Nami had vanished.

"For today's forecast," came Nami's voice, oddly disembodied and echoing. "The temperature is a brisk 54°F with scattered clouds. Humidity is low and conditions are stable. Except for one area by the coast that is experiencing some freak weather phenomena. Beware of sudden shifts in temperature, gale-force winds, and lightning strikes."

"Show yourself, witch! You're mine! I'm the only one that can use you properly! Stop resisting and accept your place as my navigator!" Arlong's eyes were close to changing.

"I'm the navigator of the Straw Hat Pirates." Arlong's eyes widened as the whisper tickled past his ear.

Before he could turn, he was sent flying forward again. He caught himself, turning to confront Nami. But she wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere.

"Where are you? How are you hiding?" he roared, getting frustrated.

"Changes in air temperature refract light waves, resulting in a mirage."

Before Arlong could puzzle that out, he felt another gust hit him. To his intense surprise, it blew him into the center pool of Arlong Park.

"Ha, you fool, Nami! You know as well as anyone that Fishmen double in strength in the water. Now it will be simple to subdue—" Arlong's monologue was cut off as his eyes crossed, his muscles seized, and he felt the metallic tingle of electricity pulse over his skin.

Nami, her Mirage Tempo cancelled, looked dispassionately at the twitching shadow of Arlong in the water. "Thunder Egg," she muttered as she let loose another electric orb. Again the charge dissipated throughout the water. Again she watched him twitch. But it wasn't very satisfying. As angry as she was, she wasn't a sadist. So she might as well make this quick.

"Weather Egg!" she cried, letting loose one of her precious orbs. "Tornado Breed Tempo!" she commanded. The shell cracked and a twisting whirlwind of opaque wind broke loose, quickly funneling down into the water. In seconds the tornado had become a waterspout, the form of Arlong visible as a shadow caught in the endless rotations. "Cool Egg!" she commanded, taking the proper segment and releasing wave after wave of super-cool spheres into the vortex. Before the eyes of her hidden spectators, the mass of wind and water hardened and coalesced until an iceberg floated inside Arlong Park. Arlong could be seen in the heart, body frozen in some twisted position by the forces that had acted on him as he'd frozen.

Nami took a deep breath. "Consider this my resignation. Black Ball!" From the end of her Clima-Tact came a string of bubbles containing a cloud black as coal. From peaceful skies appeared a monstrous thunder cloud, the kind seen only once or twice a century, the kind whose strikes were called 'the hand of God'.

And at Nami's command, it unleashed its fury.

The thunderclap of the single strike that defeated Saw-Tooth Arlong was heard on the nearest island. Anyone unlucky enough to be looking directly at the bolt had to blink dots from their vision for hours. Meteorologists of East Blue eventually named it the strangest phenomenon to be recorded outside the Grand Line.

Nami took her fill of the sight of Arlong, smoke leaking out his mouth, floating belly-up in the water surrounded by chunks of ice. She collapsed her Clima-Tact and turned away. She had avenged her mother and father. She was content.

The Armada slowly emerged from the trees, most of them with their jaws around their ankles and their eyes rolling in the grass behind them.

"Well, it wasn't Luffy, but we still got a hell of a performance. Brava!" Usopp called.

"Larry, Shemp?" Moe muttered.

"Yeah, buddy?" they asked.

"One day, when I'm desperate for money and think of borrowing from Nami-sama, remind me of this moment, when I gave you permission to punch me in the balls if I ever take a single Beri of her money."

"Agreed."

"Aw, great. Now I'm deaf in my good ear. Everyone's going to have to sign at me for a week," Kadoo loudly complained as she put a bandage on one of the Black Cats that had joined them as they waited for Arlong's return.

Kaya cleared her throat. "Gentlemen, let this be a reminder to you all! Hell truly hath no fury like a woman scorned."

For the sake of everyone's sanity, the tension was released by (one of) the resident buffoon(s).

"AH! NAMI-SWAN! YOU ARE THE GODDESS OF THE WINDS AND SEA! PLEASE ALLOW THIS LOWLY MORTAL THE DIVINE PRIVILEGE OF RUBBING THE TENSION FROM YOUR SUPPLE AND SMOOTH MUSCLES!"

Everyone in hearing range rolled their eyes. Nami sighed before bringing up a hand to massage a crick in her neck. "I'm so strung out, I might actually let you do that. For 50,000 a minute."

Sanji looked like he could die happy at that moment as he oozed over to Nami to start fussing at the tiny injuries she'd gotten from flying debris. A pained moan made people look to down to see the bloody form of some Marine wearing a hat that looked like a mouse lying on the ground like a wet noodle.

"Well, I'd say this was a good day," spoke up Luffy, appearing from nowhere like Sanji. "No one died, everyone won their fights, and once we spread the news of Arbong's ass-kicked-ness, we're in for free food on top of what Mustache man is making us."

"So are we ready for the Grand Line, Captain Luffy?" asked a Don pirate, eyes filled with nervous excitement.

Luffy turned and grinned at his nakama. "Hell yeah, Vermouth! And that goes for all of you!"

The weary Armada raised a cheer.

Luffy turned to the limp form of the Marine Sanji'd dragged there. "Oi," he muttered, slapping the man's cheek.

The rat bastard stirred. "I'll get you for this! I am a Marine Captain! Touching me is a severe punishment."

"Tell it to someone who cares," Luffy muttered. "Listen to me, you little weasel. I need you to deliver a message for me."

"A message?"

"Yes. In the newspaper article that goes with my bounty, I want you to print a certain message."

"What makes you think you'll get a bounty?"

Luffy raised a brow. "I got Buggy the Clown and Jango the Hypnotist to swear allegiance to me and join my armada, and got Devil-Man Gin to do the same after I beat Don Krieg with one blow. And my navigator just kicked Saw-Tooth Arlong into next week."

"That just proves you're some smooth-talker, the thing with Krieg is apocryphal, and if anything that witch would get the bounty, not you. I've not seen or heard anything about you to makes you worth the Marine HQ's notice," Nezumi sneered, somehow looking down on someone standing over him.

Luffy tilted his head. One second later, he was in the air above Arlong Park. Nezumi watched wide-eyed as his foot swelled to truly gigantic proportions and came down on the tower. "Gomu Gomu no Giant Axe!" The entire five-story edifice vanished beneath the flesh of that giant foot attached to that small guy. As the foot swiftly returned to its normal size, Nezumi saw that where Arlong Park had been, there was now just a sheet of oddly-colored dust and a crater that matched the exact contours of a foot.

Luffy reappeared in a blur beside Nezumi. "You were saying?"

"Nothing important," the corrupt Captain squeaked.

"Now, again. When the poster for Straw Hat Luffy comes out, I want these exact words to be in the article."

"I'm listening." Nezumi glanced again at the crater where a minute ago there'd been a tower. "Intently."

Luffy grinned enigmatically. "To the Monster Doctor, Demon Flower, Pervert Cyborg, and Humming Skeleton: we're coming for you."

* * *

In the interest of sticking to the schedule, the Armada only stayed overnight instead of sticking around for a three-day party. The men had plenty of fun anyway. The entire island turned out to celebrate once the news of Arlong's fall spread. Those from Cocoyashi had a solemn moment of silence for Gen, Bellemere, and all those that hadn't lived to see this day, before shaking off the ghosts of the past and joining in the merrymaking.

Nami had disappeared after having her tattoo altered by Dr. Nako. The core crew remembered this from last time and let her have her time to say goodbye, while the rest hardly noticed her absence in the chaos of the massive party.

Between the Baratie's preplanned feast and the seemingly infinite string of potluck dishes, Luffy got to eat his fill for the first time in what felt like forever. Usopp dazzled islanders and the crew alike with 'stories' of the Grand Line, with Kaya an eager actress, and Gaimon and the animals colorful extras. Sanji got his fill of flirting, though he seemed more subdued than usual. Buggy, Jango, and Gin all got into a drinking contest and then vanished for a few hours. When they reappeared, they were blushing, and had the look of those that had sworn a vow to never speak of something ever again.

The next day, the ships were ready to go, already stocked, even if their crews were half-dead from the hangovers and day-after aches. The islanders that were awake had gathered to see them off, and to say goodbye to Nami.

"Think she'll do the same thing as last time?" Usopp asked as he lifted a crate of gunpowder from where some idiot had placed it.

"Naw. She'll never admit it, but we've rubbed off on her. She'll go for something more… dramatic," Luffy mused.

"What was that about rubbing off on Nami-swan?" Sanji asked dangerously.

"Dirty-minded candy cane fairy," hissed Zoro through the open porthole.

"Don't make me kick your ass, Chia Pet!"

Kaya squinted, before opening her eyes wide. "Oh, my! I'm going to have to get used to this kind of thing or my nerves are going to be shot by Arabasta."

Confused, everyone turned to see what she meant. The East Blue crews gaped in awe, while the Straw Hats could only chuckle and shake their heads.

Nami had appeared over the clearing, standing on a puffy white cloud. Her Clima-Tact was assembled and held like a scepter, her hair flowing in the wind. As the islanders gaped below her, something began to fall from the cloud. Those beneath her gaped as they realized that coins, bills, and bits of jewelry were leaking out of the cloud. Nami looked forward, serene and unconcerned, as the wealth of the Conomi Islands was returned to its citizens. Her own cut was stashed on her person.

"Talk about 'making it rain'," muttered Carne.

"I don't know whether to cry or scream at this sight," Buggy said hollowly. "It's so beautiful… but she's just giving it away…"

"That reminds me. If we come across a Sky Island, I need to tag along. It's been so long since I worked with those kind of ingredients," mused Zeff.

Nami hopped off her cloud to land on the deck of the Going Merry. She turned to wave at the jubilant masses she left behind. "So long! When Marines come to interview about me, only say nice things! Good luck!"

Nojiko could only shake her head as she watched her little sister sail off with a veritable horde of pirates. "Who'd have thought it, eh, Bellemere-san, Gen-san?"

* * *

**I wrote the last two-thirds of this story in one marathon burst after Thanksgiving dinner. I guess gravy helps me think. Who knew. I ask that all pity/support over the incidents mentioned in the opening notes be kept to a minimum. If you review, do it because you had something to say about the story.**

**Also, this will probably come back to haunt me, but I commit to reach 100k by the New Year. With your praise and encouragement (plus necessary ego-deflating), I'm sure I'll manage it. Happy Thanksgiving! (yes, Canadian readers, I'm aware REAL Thanksgiving was last month, but I must humor my country of birth)**

**FAVORITE! FOLLOW! REVIEW!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, everybody!**

**[Accusing glares]**

**Ha, I see you're all upset I didn't live up to my promise. Well, you see, when I said 'new year' I never specified on which calendar. So, since this is getting posted before Chinese New Year (Gung Hay Fat Choi!), I technically didn't lie!**

**[Incredulous silence]**

**Right… Well, why don't you all read the following chapter, which I will admit is mostly shameless filler but I felt I owed you all** _**something** _ **, and I wait for all those torches you're carrying to burn out, huh? Enjoy?!**

**P.S. To all that have seen the trailer for San Andreas, THAT'S why I live on the East Coast.**

**P.P.S. I mentioned that my life kind of fell apart, didn't I? Cut me some slack!**

* * *

The day was sunny and clear, the waves a calm and constant music. Tadashi checked that his line wasn't knotted one last time, then made a textbook cast. He settled his rump on the bench of his raft, worn smooth from years of his wriggling, and got ready for a long wait.

Sunday was a sacred ritual for him. Every week, since a time when he would have scoffed at the idea of having liver spots, he'd packed his little boat with fishing gear and set out with the dawn for some open water fishing. The actual rowing had taken more and more time as the years went by, but even now he still got a few hours with nothing but the waves, the fish, and his thoughts to keep him company.

Tadashi eyed the float his beloved Yoko had made him. He grinned and turned an eye to the gold band on his hand. 60 years this June. He could hardly believe it. It felt like he'd just met her yesterday. She'd swept into his life like a cheerful tornado, throwing everything into shambles to make way for something new and wonderful he could never have imagined. She was the seaweed to his rice, the miso to his ramen. The only woman to ever beat him in at an arm-wrestling contest, she'd kept him in line through belligerent taxmen, hurricanes, a food shortage, annoying neighbors, three rascally children and seven beautiful grandchildren.

He took a deep breath and felt the salty air fill his lungs. He thought about how World Nobles lived in Mariejois on the Red Line, higher than the clouds. There wasn't any salt on that air. He heard they carried special tanks of air to breathe whenever they came down to do business with the rest of the world. If that was true, they might not even know what the ocean smelled like. He snorted. Imagine, not even knowing what the ocean smelled like! There wasn't a man, woman, or child on this planet that hadn't caught at least a whiff of sea breeze on the air. The whole world was made up of islands. And yet, the only people that never had were the ones that made decisions for all the rest. Sure, he could sorta get the point of maintaining 'purity' from the rest of the world. It was a pretty crazy place: pirates and Revolutionaries and Marines, oh my! Maybe it _was_ something about ocean air that made them so out of sorts.

Then again, what position did those Nobles have making decisions for a world they had never experienced? Oh, sure, they were descended from the kings that founded the World Government, but that was how many years ago? Tadashi knew that things tended to run in families; Hikari was practically his clone, except for that extra X chromosome. Still, he'd be pretty surprised if he was anything like his great-great-great-grandpa. It wasn't just the blood, after all; they'd grown up in different worlds. But, that was just the way things were done. It didn't make much sense if he thought too hard about it, but he wasn't about to join that upstart Dragon and try to set up a 'democracy' or whatever the heck it was called.

Thinking about politics always made his head hurt. Tadashi shook his head and refocused on something much more interesting: pirates! He'd noticed about a month ago that things were starting to quiet down in his little corner of the world. First Iron Mace Alvida, then Buggy the Clown and One-Two Jango, now Don Krieg. A bunch of big names had just disappeared from the headlines recently. They hadn't been captured by the Marines or bounty hunters, Tadashi knew. The Marines would have plastered their executions over the front page. They were so eager to show they were doing something ever since this 'Age of Pirates' had started.

Tadashi idly wondered if anything would really change if anyone actually managed to find One Piece. It wasn't like all the other pirates would just quit, and the Marines could hardly get more paranoid. What was the big deal, really?

He was jerked out of his musings when he felt a twitch from his pole. He sat up, getting ready to pull, but apparently whatever fish it was thought his worm was unworthy of its palate. He sighed. He took off his hat to wipe his brow. It was pretty warm today. All the fish were probably further down, swimming in waters where they didn't feel like they were getting cooked. If he were younger, he'd wish for a squall. Fish always bit better when it was raining. But his stubby old arms couldn't face off against those kinds of waves like they used to. Still, the sun _was_ pretty bright. As he took a sip from his canteen of grog, a secret pleasure, he figured he wouldn't mind a cloud right about now.

"WHOOHOO! RIDE 'EM, COWBOY!"

Tadashi's head snapped to his left. He felt his brows creep up to what was left of his hairline. A cow the size of his house was swimming through the water a little ways away. On its back, whooping and hollering like savages, were what appeared to be young men dressed up early for Halloween. Apparently, they all liked clowns. He watched as one with eye-searing orange hair tugged on what looked like reigns for the cow, which promptly turned hard to port. Tadashi thought he saw a flash of scales. Then the cow, its riders screaming in manic glee, seemed to pick up speed before diving into the ocean.

Tadashi blinked. He looked down at his grog. He sniffed, but it didn't smell any stronger than usual. Still, he reeled in his line and picked up the oars. Apparently the sun was getting to him. Maybe it was time to call it quits on these weekly excursions.

Unaware of the man they had unwittingly convinced of his own senescence, the group of Buggy Pirates held tight to each other as they finished off the underwater leg of the course. When Mohmoo surfaced, they were back in view of the fleet. They shouted out encouragement to the aquatic mammal, trying to spur even more speed out of him. At last, they swerved into place beside the Big Top, soaking some of the spectators with an impromptu wave.

"Time!" called Moe, the man holding the reigns.

Usopp, official gamemaster, examined the watch in his hands. "Nine minutes, twenty-eight seconds! The winning time!"

The Buggy crew exploded into cheers as the Don and Black Cats moaned their defeat.

Mohmoo waited patiently for his nakama to disembark before paddling for the delicious smell of suckling pig coming from the Baratie. All that sprinting had worked up his appetite. He happily munched the haunch given to him by the smiling cooks, feeling a sense of contentment deep down in his second stomach. These two-legs were much nicer than Arlong.

The race over, the crews settled down, trying to find a new way to distract themselves until 4:00 and the second training session of the day.

Life had settled into a comfortable rhythm amongst the Armada in the week since their victory over Arlong. Wake up, train until you puke with Luffy, breakfast, drills with Nami, lunch, daily entertainment as arranged by Usopp, train until you pass out, wake up for dinner, then settle down and hope you didn't get night duty. They all knew that things wouldn't remain this constant for long. They were set to dock at Loguetown tomorrow according to the infallible Nami-sama, and once they reached the Grand Line normalcy would be thrown out the window, as was warned by the Don Pirates. But they all savored this time, when things were simple and one could just bask in the joy of nakama.

Usopp landed back on the Merry and retracted his hook. He'd perfected the design to his Usopp Ahh, making it so the hook actually detached at destination, plus a handy winch in case he needed different levels of slack. He glanced around the ship. Zoro was taking his daily constitutional, supervised by Usopp's awesome girlfriend. He seemed to be annoyed at the fact he had to hold her hand, but Usopp knew that Zoro knew better than to talk back to anything Kaya said.

The swordsman looked remarkably well, considering he was playing ding-dong-ditch with Death just two weeks ago. The full-body bandages had finally come off, revealing that Zoro now had more scar tissue than normal skin. Once he'd confirmed with two mirrors that his back was untouched, the greenhead didn't seem to give two shits about his new downright frightening appearance. Once he got past the instinctive revulsion, Usopp had to admit that his nakama now looked pretty badass. Yes, it made his heart stop to see all those pockmarks and jagged lines on full display, and to know there were even more out of sight below the waist. But the fact Zoro was still alive after all that had clearly happened to him made him positively godlike in the eyes of Usopp and about three-quarters of the rest of the Armada.

It bore mentioning that Zoro had not taken off his new hat since he'd been allowed to sit up. Nami had been quick to point out that it didn't match at all with his robes, but Zoro didn't care about fashion. That was _Mihawk's_ hat; it was proof that Zoro had beaten him, that the greenhead was now the unofficial World's Best. Short of burning it, there was no way any of them was going to get him to stop wearing it.

While Usopp had been wool-gathering, Kaya and Zoro had finished the walk. "And that's it. Very good progress today, Zoro-san. You seem to have regained your full range of motion, and your stamina is up to acceptable levels. I'd wager you'll be fully recovered by this time next week."

"That mean I can train again?" Zoro asked, visibly chomping at the bit. He'd tolerated all the babying when he'd been physically incapable of moving, but now that he could walk he seemed to think anything further was pointless.

Kaya's eyes hardened. "Oh, no it doesn't. I saw how crazy you get when you exercise at the Baratie. I've invested serious time and energy in building your body back up to health. Like hell you're going to start tearing it back down again until I say so. You're not to do anything besides your rehab stretches, and if I catch wind you disobeyed doctor's orders, I'll confiscate those swords and throw them in the lockbox until we get to Arabasta."

"Tch!" Zoro hissed, but he bowed his head regardless. Why had he thought it was nice to have her on the crew again?

"Kaya-sama! I've brought you an afternoon snack! Tarte aux Poires!" Sanji announced, appearing from thin air with a tray.

Kaya smiled frostily. "I do hope you made one for everyone else, Sanji-san. You _know_ how I feel about preferential treatment."

Sanji's skin turned an interesting shade of blue. "O-of course, Kaya-sama. Perish the thought. I just brought you yours first because you looked the hungriest. That's all!"

Zoro hid his grin. Oh, yeah. That was why.

Luffy appeared at Usopp's side. "Usopp, thank you so much for getting a girlfriend! She makes Sanji make us food too!"

The sniper grinned. "It was nothing really." When a grumbling Sanji handed them their own fancy snack, the two sat down to eat them. "Hey, Luffy, something's been bothering me. Care to explain?"

"Explain what?" the captain asked, already halfway done.

"I thought you wanted to keep a low profile as long as possible. Why'd you brag like that to that creep Marine? Wouldn't letting the world know you're building an Armada get a lot of bad attention a lot earlier than the others are ready for? Why'd you want a bounty so bad?" Usopp asked.

Luffy sighed. He put down the unfinished tart, which told Usopp that he was taking the question seriously. "Two reasons. One, I really wanted to let the others in the Grand Line know we're back, and the only way I could think to reach them is the paper. I know how lonely I felt, not knowing for sure if I'd ever see _my_ Nami or Chopper again, and I wanted them to know for sure."

Usopp nodded. That made enough sense. "But what's the other reason?"

Luffy's face suddenly twisted into an odd expression of utter horror, disbelief, and disgust. Usopp could only recall one time his captain had ever looked like that: when he'd discovered that Kokoro was a mermaid. "If I hadn't said anything, the only thing that Marine would have known about was Nami beating Arlong. Can you imagine if she was the only one to get a bounty? If people thought she was the captain?"

Usopp applied his incredibly brilliant and devious mind to the concept.

' _Look out! Lock up your purses! It's Nami, the infamous pirate captain of the Tangerine Pirates!'_

' _Did you hear about that Nami? Attacked Enies Lobby! The Marines should really do something about that dangerous pirate lady.'_

' _Empty the base! Notorious captain Nami has been spotted. We must destroy this leader of evil! For Justice!'_

Usopp slowly turned his head to spy Nami on her lounge chair. Her eyes were closed, apparently just working on her tan. She seemed totally at peace. He imagined her hair flying about her in the heat of her anger, her eyes transforming into blood-red slits, her teeth sharp enough to bite off a man's head, her fists like wrecking balls, her voice like the howl of a hellish beast.

He turned back to Luffy, identical expressions on their faces. "That would be bad. Very, very, very bad."

Luffy nodded solemnly.

They both finished their snacks, the air quiet except for the sounds of nature and the buzz of conversation that's always present when a group reaches a certain size.

"Hey, Usopp?"

"Yeah, Luffy?"

"Can I talk to you about something that's been bothering _me_?"

Usopp looked at his friend. There was something off about his eyes. It took him a second before it hit him: Luffy looked troubled. Luffy _never_ looked troubled. Happy, definitely. Hungry, almost constantly. Angry, annoyed, intent, sad, Luffy was an open book when it came to his emotions. But Usopp had never seen that little furrow between his eyebrows or the almost guilty frown.

"What is it, Luffy?"

The teen sighed. "Krieg."

Usopp tilted his head. "What about him?"

Usopp's nonchalance seemed to make Luffy feel even worse. "I killed him."

"Yeah. So? He was a pretty nasty guy, and his bounty probably paid for Zoro's survival and it let Gin become captain so he could join you. I don't see anything bad that came out of it," Usopp listed.

Luffy shook his head. "You don't get it. Usopp, I've never _killed_ someone before. I mean," he amended, "I'm not saying no one's ever died after I fought them. I'm pretty sure there's at least a few guys I hit a bit too hard at Marineford or Punk Hazard. And there were times when I was mad enough to want to kill a few of the guys we fought. But it almost doesn't count then, you know? I mean, I'm not saying their lives don't mean anything, but it was a fight, you know? Me against them, so it's… fair? I don't know. What I'm trying to say is—"

"You've never done it on purpose," Usopp realized. "You've never done it cold."

Luffy shook his head, his eyes a million miles away. "What if the ambush was too much? What if something's wrong in my head now? What if I'm turning into exactly the kind of guy I used to beat up?"

Usopp sighed. "Look, first off, I'm probably not the best person to talk to about this. You'd be better off with Zoro or Sanji. Then again, maybe you should hear this from someone that won't treat it casually. Zoro'd probably just go "that's how it works" or something."

"Exactly."

Usopp considered his words with care. Jeez, maybe they should look into recruiting a shrink. He was no more qualified to patch up Luffy's psyche than he'd been to patch up Merry. Between Brook's questionable state after returning to essentially solitary confinement and the fact he was 99% sure the whole Armada was going to fight in the War at Marineford, they could certainly use one.

"Let's start simple. When did this start? You seemed totally calm when you were actually doing it."

Luffy took a deep breath. "It started that night. I had a nightmare. I kept seeing his eyes, that moment the light left them. I don't think it really hit me, what I'd done, until the moment I woke up."

"And how did that make you feel?" Usopp asked, feeling like he should have a clipboard or something.

"See, that's the thing. I _didn't_ feel anything. That's what keeps getting to me. Krieg's dead. I did that. A whole life just cut off, because of me. Shouldn't I be torn up inside? Feel guilty, bad, something? What kind of person isn't bothered by the fact they killed someone?" Luffy looked to Usopp, seeming desperate for guidance.

' _I am sooooo out of my depth here,'_ Usopp mentally bewailed. "Let's take a step back, shall we? Tell me what you were thinking that day at the Baratie. What was going through your head?"

Luffy huffed. "I was thinking that Mihawk was coming and we didn't have time for him to have his little hissy fit. I was thinking that I needed to do something big and dramatic to impress Gin and Zeff so they'd join. I was thinking that it would be too much trouble to keep him prisoner."

"Those seem like some pretty legitimate reasons," Usopp said, trying to sound objective.

"Yeah, but is there really ever a good enough reason to just kill someone? It's okay as long as it helps your own goals? If it's all that arbitrary, then the only difference between me and Akainu is what side we're on."

Usopp felt a lightbulb go off over his head. _'A-ha! That's the real issue here.'_ "Weren't you the one that said yourself that you're not a hero? You didn't beat up Crocodile because he was going to kill a bunch a people, because it was the 'right thing'. You did it because if you didn't, Vivi would be sad. That was enough for you, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Luffy muttered. Suddenly he hung his head. "I hate my Gramps. If he hadn't made me do all this _thinking_ ," he said the word like it was a reprehensible activity, "then I'd still be blissfully ignorant and not care about any of this stuff. The only thing on my mind would be if I'm fast enough to actually sneak a tangerine from that bush now."

Usopp couldn't help but laugh at that. But then he sobered up and tried to look as serious as possible, tilting Luffy's head up to look him in the eye. "Look, Luffy. If you're asking me if you're turning into a guy like Rob Lucci, my answer would be hell no and I'd ask you if you'd eaten anything questionable."

Luffy's mouth quirked up a little.

"But if you're asking if you're becoming a _harder_ person… we all have." Usopp cocked a thumb at the still lounging Nami. "Could you have imagined the Nami you first met ever kicking Arlong's ass in a million years? You can't go through complete and utter defeat like we have _twice_ now and still be rainbows and smiles. All you need to know is that Krieg's death ultimately made things easier for your nakama. Leave all the debate over ethics to people that have nothing better to do. And if you ever get in a situation with an enemy where you have to choose between us and them… is that even really a choice?"

Luffy shook his head. "Of course not." Then he grinned that giant grin that brought back so many memories. "Thanks for that, Usopp. You always know just what to do. So I hereby name you Second Mate!"

Usopp grinned back. "Cool! Do I get a pay raise?"

Luffy snorted. "No. But if ever there's a time when me or Zoro aren't around and a big decision has to be made, you get to be Captain and make the call."

"You serious?!" Usopp asked, his eyes extending past his nose.

"Yep. So, think you can stop introducing yourself as Captain Usopp? That really cramps my style."

Usopp stood up proud. "Who do you think I am? There's no way I'd claim to be something so low as a mere Captain! I am Usopp, Second Mate of the legendary Straw Hat Armada, revered around the entire world!"

"You know it!" Luffy shouted. The two then broke into an improvised musical about the many epic adventures of the world-famous pirates in the notorious S.H.A.

Nami cracked open an eye. "Learn to keep your voices down when having secret discussions, idiots." She'd been listening the whole time.

Nami noticed the News Coo approaching and sat up. It landed on the railing and promptly saluted. Nami popped her usual 100 Beri coin into the little purse and took one of the papers from its satchel. She started to turn around when it gave a little cough. She rose a brow when it tapped the coin slot with a feather. _'A price raise? Why does that ring a bell?'_ When the bird made a little noise again, her eyes narrowed. "You'll take what I give you and you'll like it," she said in the tone she used with the Monster Trio.

Suitably terrified, the poor bird flew off while Nami adjusted her chair so she could read. "It's odd how nostalgic I feel when I read these things," she muttered to herself. "There was a coup in Villa. Didn't Norland dock there? I could swear he wrote that in his journal…" Nami trailed off as she turned the page and not one, not two, but _five_ fliers fell out of the paper to land face-up on the deck.

Nami looked at the fliers, eyes wide. Well, one in particular. Then she turned back to the paper to find a full-page article. She skimmed it, her eyes pausing when she found a particular sentence.

"LUFFY, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" she roared. As she watched her Captain turn to see what he'd done that time, a very small corner of her mind conceded _'Then again, it could have been a lot worse. He and Usopp have no idea how big an understatement they were making when they said it would be_ bad _.'_

* * *

_The day before, in Marineford…_

The Bounty Committee was a collection of some of the most decorated officers in the Marines, those that had real experience with combatting pirates and other forms of evil, but had through one reason or another been delegated to administrative duties. It was they whom assessed the never-ending stream of threat reports brought in by the Information branch and decided how much of the World Government's budget they would offer up to incentivize third parties and warn the general public. They had heard it all before, and it took a great deal to phase even one of them.

The whole group gaped at Lieutenant Commander Brannew in abject horror. "Could you repeat that?" one of the oldest asked.

Brannew sighed. "I said, gentlemen, that we have a rogue Admiral on our hands. Or perhaps I should say that a man that could have well become an Admiral has been confirmed as an enemy of Justice."

"Explain, Lieutenant Commander," barked the most cunning.

Brannew turned to the board behind him. There was various names on it, all connected by different colors of chalk. He indicated the one at the top. "Monkey D. Luffy, the grandson of our own Vice Admiral Garp. Fleet Admiral Sengoku reports that the Vice Admiral requested special permission to train the boy on his home island two years ago. The boy had apparently expressed interest in becoming, quote, 'as awesome as my Gramps'. Garp evidently saw this as a desire to join the Marines once he was older, and Sengoku granted the request for extended leave after Garp's repeated assurances. The boy's evil was strong even then, it seems, fooling his grandfather into unwittingly aiding his ascent to power. Garp sent in several glowing reports during his leave, and even accounting for familial bias, the Fleet Admiral himself agrees that the boy has real potential. Garp returned to base seven months ago under the impression that he would return to pick up his enlisted grandson for an apprenticeship any day now. Clearly, he will be disappointed."

"What has the boy done?" asked the swiftest.

"He first appeared a month ago, when he appeared from nowhere to defeat Captain 'Axe-Hand' Morgan and inflict significant property damages. He did not reveal his full name at the time, and the report provoked no real response. He then vanished for weeks. It was not until five days ago when Captain Nezumi reported that we learned what nefarious deeds he'd been up to."

Brannew indicated the other four names one by one. "The boy is building a pirate armada! Buggy the Clown, 15 million, and One-Two Jango, 9 million, though we recommend his price be raised to that of his former Captain, Kuro of 1000 plans: 16 million. Furthermore, he defeated Don Krieg, 17 million, with what was confirmed as a Shigan at autopsy, and convinced his number two man, Devil-Man Gin, to become captain and join as well. For this reason, Gin shall inherit his former captain's bounty. As for his personal crew, we have limited information, but Luffy seems to have found at least one very dangerous individual. His navigator, a woman called Nami, seems to have defeated Saw-Tooth Arlong, 20 million, with lightning. Whether through a Devil Fruit ability or some kind of weapon, we don't know. It seems appropriate that she have a bounty at least as great as the man she defeated, so we propose 20 million. As you can all see, Luffy is not only dangerous but charismatic, which is its own threat."

"Have we any information to go on besides Nezumi's report?" asked the wisest.

Brannew seemed to bite his tongue. "Given the extraordinary nature of his report, we felt it prudent to follow up on it. Thus, Fleet Admiral Sengoku approved the use of the Secret Coo Service."

There were a few suppressed guffaws throughout the room. The Secret Coo Service was something of a joke amongst the Marine elite. There had been a great buzz of excitement when Dr. Vegapunk has announced a design for a long-range surveillance device that could be mounted to trained seagulls. Thoughts of unlimited reconnaissance capabilities had made some of those assigned to such targets as Dragon and Red-Hair Shanks practically jump for joy. They had been greatly disappointed when repeated field testing revealed that the rigs were simply too delicate for use in the turbulent climates of the Grand Line; a stiff breeze could knock them off calibration. The whole thing was looked on as a very expensive embarrassment by the majority of the Marines in the know. However, there were those, among them Sengoku, that insisted that they could still prove useful and frequently approved them for jobs in the Blues, and even then you could only count on reliable images on a calm day.

Brannew got back in his stride. "Several high resolution images were attained. In fact, we will be using enhanced cuts for the new bounty posters." He grabbed a stack of photos from a file on his person and began passing them out. "Luffy himself seems to have chosen a caravel, and we estimate his crew to be no more than seven in number. Evidently when it comes to his personal gang, he prefers quality over quantity. As you can see, Buggy's ship the Big Top and Jango's ship the Black Bezan are sailing behind him in a triangle formation. Gin and a small portion of his crew seem to be sharing space on the Big Top; given Krieg's recent attempt to enter the Grand Line, we can assume the rest were lost to the freak weather near Reverse Mountain or the Sea Kings in the Calm Belt during their escape. The ship they are surrounding has been confirmed as the Baratie, a floating restaurant very popular in the East Blue. Given the shady reputation of the staff and owner, we cannot tell whether they are being held hostage or are colluding willingly. But as you can see, these images clearly confirm Nezumi's report."

"What shall we do?" asked the most powerful of them all.

"This cannot be simply swept under the rug. Nezumi seems to have already made arrangements with the News Coo branch; apparently, Luffy had some requests about the newspaper article he anticipated about himself, and the Captain followed through under fear of retaliation. Also, given that Vice Admiral Garp has already embarked for the East Blue and will undoubtedly be very angry on learning of his grandson's betrayal, there's a possibility this whole business will be handled before it really starts. However, we cannot depend on that. The final report on Luffy's training indicated he had the raw power of a Vice Admiral, and if this was all a plot to gain power, we cannot be sure he didn't keep some things hidden from his grandfather.

"All that being said, Fleet Admiral Sengoku has recommended a level of discretion. We do not want the public panicking about there being a second Whitebeard or some such nonsense." Brannew slapped a poster onto the board behind him. "There has never been a nine figure starting bounty in the history of the Marines. That shall remain true. But in light of the very significant threat he poses, Fleet Admiral Sengoku himself advises an amount of no less than…"

* * *

"KAYA-OJOUSAMA!"

The staff of the mansion all jumped at the wail of despair that pierced every corner of the expansive house. There was a veritable stampede as all the maids, servants, and bodyguards rushed to the office of their new master and former peer, Merry.

"Merry-sama! What is it?" asked the first man to cross the door, his eyes sweeping the room, looking for threats to his employer.

"Kaya-ojousama!" moaned the man with fluffy hair, seemingly crying over some piece of paper on his desk.

The oldest of the maids, a rather plump woman by the name of Molly Potts, stepped forward to lay a hand on her master's shoulder. "There, there, dear. What seems to be the problem? Did you find an old letter of her ladyship's? You really need to learn to let her go. A nice cup o' tea should do you right."

"That's not it!" Merry protested wetly. "And enough with the tea! I've had more tea in the past three weeks then I've had in three years!"

Mrs. Potts didn't seem to like that. In her mind, the answer to all problems was tea. Her husband, the cook, saw the warning signs of his wife's infamous temper and rushed to do damage control. "Why don't we wait until he's calmed down a little and _then_ ask him, dear?"

Koguzuwāsu, the new head butler with the recent 'retirement' of Klahadore and ascension of Merry, gave an imperious sniff and seemed to glide to his master's side, offering a perfectly pressed handkerchief. Merry seized the pristine cloth and proceeded to repeatedly defile it with various bodily fluids. Kaguzuwatto gave no outward reaction to the destruction of his hankie.

It took fifteen minutes, but Merry finally stopped being a sniveling wreck and had evolved into a broken man. "Oh, Kaya-ojousama. Dear Kaya. How will we ever recover from this?"

"What zeems to be ze problem, monsieur?" questioned Rumiēru, the newest employee from a far-off village with a peculiar accent.

"This! This is the problem!" Merry exclaimed, slapping a hand on the piece of paper on his desk.

Koguzuwāsu adjusted his pince-nez and peered forward. "Wanted Dead or Alive: One-Two Jango, 16,000,000 Beri. Pardon me, Master, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with our former ladyship."

"Are you mocking me? Can't you see it?"

Confused, and hoping to find what was causing their lord such distress, all the staff leaned closer to the desk to examine the poster. The picture was of a man, perhaps in his late thirties, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and some sort of false beard. The picture was taken at an angle, showing him in profile, with the ocean and a couple ships in the left half of the picture.

It was Potts' son Chip, with his young eyes that spotted it. "Ew! Mama, why are that boy and girl kissing like that?"

"What are you talking about, Chip?" his mother asked, unable to see anything like a kiss in the picture.

"There, Mama, there!" the boy cried, pointing to the extreme left of the picture.

Ever handy, Kaguzuwatto procured a magnifying glass and held it over the spot in question. Details suddenly burst into focus, revealing what appeared to be a rather amorous embrace between a young man and woman, she arching up into him as he bent over her. Her foot was even popped. The clarity was offset by the cheap quality of the paper and ink, but they all would recognize that nose and those blond tresses anywhere.

"Oh! How romantic! Kaya-chan and Usopp-kun look so good together, don't they?" gushed Fifi, the other maid, clutching her feather duster to her chest like it was a bouquet of roses. Everyone knew how big a romantic she was, what with her personal library of romances that outsized the manor's actual library. She'd met her match in Rumiēru, who was such an unabashed flirt that he'd even made a move on Mrs. Potts, whom had good-naturedly laughed it off.

"It's a disaster!" Merry shouted, shocking Fifi out of her daze. "The whole world can see Kaya-ojousama in such a shameful position! Oh, Kaya-ojousama, how will I ever look your father in the eye in the afterlife?"

"You 'ave to lighten up, monsieur! The girl is in love, zere is no shame in zat. Besides, no one can even see 'er," Rumiēru consoled.

Merry didn't seem to hear, his head resting on the desk and a visible cloud of depression hanging over him.

Kogusuwāsu rolled his eyes before giving an official "Hem-hem. I think we can conclude that our master is no real danger. Everyone, return to your posts."

Out in the forest, a trio of boys was also examining Jango's poster.

"The Captain is doing well. We are very happy for him," they said.

They turned to the only other inhabitant of the clearing, another young boy tied to a stump with several lengths of rope. He seemed very freaked out.

"I told you freaks, I don't want to join your stupid club! Let me go, dammit!"

The three former members of the Usopp Pirates merely grinned.

"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

* * *

Coby could hardly believe he was where he was. How had the crazy dance called 'life' led him to this moment? Of course, he knew the answer to that question. And it wore a straw hat.

The day before, he'd been going about his usual duties as a Chore Boy. He'd presented the letter Luffy had given him to Commander Ripper the day after Morgan had been defeated. The man seemed very skeptical at first, glancing between the signature of one of the biggest names in the Marine navy and the shrimp that was trying and failing to hide his trembling. However, after Coby's heartfelt declaration that he wanted to be a Marine when questioned, Ripper decided to let it slide. Still, he remained skeptical that Garp would show up, so much so that he didn't even bother troubling the man with a call to confirm the letter's authenticity. He'd let Coby join morning PT, but otherwise the boy was just another Chore Boy.

Coby didn't mind being stuck on the bottommost rung of the military. Even Chore Boys had their place in the grand scheme of things, and he performed all the menial work with a smile and sense of pride. His enthusiasm for what many considered to be drudgery had led many of the other Marines to question the boy's sanity.

Coby's extraordinary work ethic had initially been taken as a personal insult by fellow Chore Boy Helmeppo, the son of the disgraced former Captain. The spoiled brat constantly whined that Coby's 'can-do' attitude only encouraged the higher-ups to give them even more work, which was as bad as murder in the eyes of a boy who until recently had never had to lift a finger.

Coby had endured this for a week before he'd confronted Helmeppo, privately drawing courage from the example of Luffy and his two friends.

"Helmeppo-san, you wish to return to the life you knew, yes?"

Helmeppo blinked before sneering. "Of course, idiot."

"And Helmeppo-san is a Marine, yes?"

He huffed. "Not by choice, but yeah. I'm stuck at this to make up for Dad's 'crimes', so called."

"Then the only way for Helmeppo-san to get back the privileges he is used to is to become a Marine Officer. And the only way for Helmeppo-san to become an officer to get promoted. And the only way for Helmeppo-san to get promoted is by working hard, yes?" Coby had subtly been getting closer until he was practically nose-to-nose, the better to deliver his message.

Helmeppo looked away and scratched his head. Finally though, he was able to face Coby. "Well, yeah, when you put it like that, I guess that's true."

Coby's stern expression gave way to a wide smile. "Then Helmeppo-san should not complain about doing work. After all, you have to work in order to not work. Helmeppo-san should not mind a little friendly competition."

"Friendly competition?" Helmeppo asked.

Coby quirked his mouth. "We're friends, aren't we? So we should help push each other to be the best we can be. So we should compete to see who gets promoted through hard work first, yes?"

Helmeppo stared blankly for a moment before breaking into a snide grin and rolling up his sleeves. "Step aside then, Chore Boy. I'm going to blow past you so fast it'll make your head spin!"

Coby had only smiled in response.

Since then, the two had become the most productive Chore Boys the East Blue had ever seen. Life at the base had never been so efficient. Ripper had watched the two's contests from a distance and felt a sense of pride for the next generation of Marines, though he still didn't believe Garp the Fist himself would show up.

How wrong he was.

It was with a sense of panicked disbelief that Ripper watched the dog-themed ship sail into the harbor and find the massive veteran himself towering over him in his office.

"You in charge here?" the man barked around a cigar.

"Y-yes, Vice Admiral."

"Well, what're you waiting for? Go get Luffy, and any little friends he's made by now!"

"Luffy, sir?" Ripper asked timidly.

"The boy with the letter, man! Get a grip. I'm a superior, not a snake."

Ripper was pretty sure the boy's name was Coby, not Luffy, but he picked up the intercom speaker anyway and stated "Will the Chore Boys please report to my office? Right away. That is all."

Garp raised a brow. "Chore Boy, huh? I said to start him with the basics, but I figured you'd at least have started him as a Petty Officer. Didn't you see him?"

Ripper held his tongue. Either Garp was actually as senile as all the rumors said, in which case Ripper didn't want to do anything to provoke him, or there was a massive misunderstanding, and in that case he didn't want to commit to anything until he knew who to duck.

Shortly, Coby and Helmeppo had filed into the office, apparently straight from dish washing.

Garp turned, a smile about to break out on his weathered face, before he paused. A confused wrinkle formed over his brow. Then, settling on annoyance, he turned back to Ripper. "Luffy's not here. I told you to send for the boy that brought the letter!"

Ripper gulped. "This _is_ the boy who brought the letter," he said, indicating a slightly shaking hand at Coby. "The other is his friend. Just as you asked… sir."

Garp took a couple deep drags on his cigar. After a tense minute, in which time Coby seemed to sweat half his body weight, Garp turned his eye on Coby. "Explain," he barked, his aura playing jump rope with the line between rational calm and hair-trigger rage.

Coby seemed in trouble of losing control of his bowels. Still, he took a breath and answered. "L-L-Luffy-san gave me the letter, sir. We met and Luffy-san became my friend. I told him my only dream was to become a Marine. He just handed it to me and went on his way, sir, I swear." He carefully left out any mention of Luffy being a pirate. Something, some sixth sense based on self-preservation perhaps, told him that it would be exactly the wrong thing to say in this situation.

Garp's eyes became shadowed. The tension in the room was thick enough to scoop up and drink as soup. It tasted of peas. Ripper felt like he was waiting for a bomb to go off. Coby's life looked to be flashing past his eyes. Helmeppo just looked confused.

Then Garp through back his head and laughed loud enough to hurt. "Bwahahahaha! This is just like you, cheeky brat!"

The other three visibly relaxed.

When Garp wound down from his laughing fit, he turned an assessing eye on the two Chore Boys. He seemed to pay particular attention to their eyes. "You two don't seem like _total_ wimps. Guess I might as well take you two on too. Come along, keep up!"

And that was how Coby found himself to be on the ship of Vice Admiral Garp, en route to Loguetown before returning to Marine HQ.

"I-I just want to thank you again for this, Garp-san," Coby spoke up, from his position behind the man at the railing.

"Don't worry about it, brat. Luffy clearly saw something in you. Besides, there's nothing more challenging than a hopeless case."

"Um, thanks." Coby gulped. "So, you're sure we'll find Luffy-san in Loguetown?"

"Of course. If he didn't join up at Shell Town, he definitely went to Loguetown. I hear good things about the Captain there. He probably thought he'd work his way up the old-fashioned way, as if I'd let him out of my sight. Such a troublesome grandson, he is."

"Y-yes," Coby muttered, feeling a chill run down his spine. It was clear that Garp had no idea about what his grandson was really up to, and Coby was not looking forward to the moment he figured out. He saw how big that ball-and-chain was in the hold. He didn't want to be in the same time zone as a man that could swing that around when he got a nasty shock.

An officer ran up to them, clutching a few fliers. "Vice Admiral! New bounties from HQ! I think you'll want to see this!"

Garp raised a brow as he took the pile, not noticing Coby turn pale as a ghost. "Why would they bother me with these small fries? You still getting back at me, Sengoku? Stingy bastard." Garp froze when he actually saw the poster on top. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and peered closer at the poster staring back at him.

On instinct, Coby covered his ears. It probably saved his eardrums.

" _ **WHAT THE DAMN HELL?!**_ "

* * *

If a stranger were to walk into Foosha Village, they might well think some local festival was taking place. People were gathering in the streets, talking animatedly about some event, and the general atmosphere was one of celebration. When said hypothetical stranger learned it was all in support of a pirate, they'd quietly edge away before running for the hills.

"Look, look! Can you believe?!"

"That son of a gun really did it!"

"Luffy's a wanted man!"

Conversations like this were the only kind in town that day.

"Geez, can you believe this?" one guy asked his buddies. "I knew he was crazy strong and he said he was going to do big things, but this is something else! Who ever heard of a pirate recruiting other pirates?"

Out on the Grand Line, a rather ugly and fat silver-tongued coward was overcome by a sudden bout of hay fever.

"Hey, maybe we'll get famous!" Another dude said. "This is the highest starting bounty in history! People could come from all over to see where he came from, where he grew up! We might get tourists."

"This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to this place!" shouted an exuberant woman.

"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!"

The street hushed. The crowd parted around the positively steaming form of their elderly mayor, Woop Slap. In casual clothing and hobbling along with his cane, he was about as intimidating as a baby sloth. But still, there was something in his eye that made all the revelers feel like children caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

"Honestly, what's wrong with this town? This is a BAD thing. An infamous criminal has been linked with our name. Damn that Luffy, he's shamed the whole village! I should've brained the bastard when he broke my house like I wanted to!"

Woop Slap kept on grumbling as he made his way into the bar. Apparently, his shout hadn't penetrated the din, so no one was suitably cowed.

"A TOAST! TO THE MOST FEARSOME PIRATE IN THE EAST BLUE! OUR OWN LUFFY!" roared a flushed farmer.

"KANPAI!" came the ear-shattering reply.

Woop Slap huffed as he made his way to the nearest stool, where he was swiftly attended to by Makino, the owner of the establishment and something of a big sister figure to Luffy.

"Damn brats. I don't know why they're so proud of this. That destructive brat went and did it."

"You can't hold it against them, Mayor. They're just happy that Luffy's doing well." The greenhead cast her eye to one of a dozen posters laying on her bar, left by her customers. Luffy was staring straight into the camera, which seemed odd since it had clearly been taken from far off. A hard, mocking smile showed off his teeth, and his eyes seemed to shout 'bring it' to anyone that looked at him. As always, he had his hat on, held to his head by a hand. Her eyes drifted to the other posters of his 'accomplices'. "He certainly seems to have surrounded himself with lots of interesting people. With the gang he's putting together, maybe his dream isn't so far out of reach after all."

"His dream," muttered Woop Slap, looking into his glass pensively, "or his destiny?"

Up the mountain, the Dadan Family were treated to the sight of their beloved leader having what appeared to be a complete psychotic breakdown. She was on her back, her legs running faster than a hamster on crack, pounding the ground with her fists, tears streaming down her face, with her face red as a tomato.

What made this scene comical rather than demented was the fact she was laughing so hard you could hear it from Grey Terminal.

"How long is she going to keep this up?" muttered a lowly henchman, looking up from his grinding wheel.

"It's already been ten minutes. She's going to pop an artery at this rate," fussed Mogra.

"She'll wind down soon. Cut her some slack. She's been looking forward to this since before Garp moved in." Advice given, Dogra got back to the never-ending task of sweeping.

"OH! OH! OH, MY RIBS!" roared Dadan, catching her fifth wind as she again looked at the flier clutched in her hand. "HAHAHA! GARP IS GOING TO SHIT A SIDEWAYS BRICK WHEN HE SEES THIS! I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I EVER SAID ABOUT YOU LUFFY, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD YOU!"

The men all sighed. Maybe handling all those coca leaves was starting to mess with their boss's head.

With a roll of his eyes, random goon numbah 'q' thought aloud "Wonder how Ace is going to take this."

* * *

The Moby Dick was the proud flagship of the Whitebeard Pirates, a massive construct that plowed through the otherworldly weather of the New World with all the gentle, overwhelming power of its namesake. Her sturdiness was unneeded at the moment, the water calm as a puddle and the wind barely a breeze. Granted, that was because it was near the edge of the Calm Belt, but the point was that the crew or rather 'family' aboard felt free to relax.

Marco, 1st Division Commander and general Second-in-Command, took the chance to spread his wings, literally. He flew in the air over the mighty ship in the form of the legendary phoenix, the power gifted to him by his Devil's Fruit. As he banked on a thermal, his eye fell on the ship and a deep sense of peace suffused his soul. There were no words for how good it felt to be riding the wind, knowing his flock was safe and sound. Life with the Whitebeard Pirates was ten kinds of crazy, but he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

He spotted a News Coo coming and quickly dived. For some reason, seagulls weren't comfortable around fellow aviaries made of living flame ten times their size. They were lucky if one of the blasted birds found them once a week, so Marco decided to cut his flight short. With the thoughtless ease born of long practice, Marco shifted back into his human form the second he got near the deck, walking off his momentum as easily as stepping off a treadmill.

Maneuvering around the lounging forms of his brothers, Marco walked up to the news outlet and fed spare change into its pouch until it allowed him to take a paper. His brow raised at how many new bounty posters fell out; that was unusual. The other brow joined its brother as he read the article about the Rookies in question. Huh. This could prove entertaining.

"Hey, Ace?! I got a question for you, yoi."

"Eh? What is it Marco?" Marco concealed a roll of his eye when he saw his fellow Commander sit up from his obvious sunbathing. Ever since he'd eaten his fruit, the boy had been impossible. Now that he never had to worry about temperature ever again, he seemed determined to spend the rest of his life half-naked. Their 'sisters' certainly seemed to appreciate the decision, which only served to inflate the Fireman's ego to an annoying degree.

"What was the name of that kid brother of yours again?" Marco asked.

All the crew in earshot groaned in unison. "Why'd you have to bring him up? Once you get him started on the kid, he never shuts up!" complained one of the older vets.

Ace didn't seem to hear, a nostalgic grin spreading involuntarily across his face. "Luffy. Monkey D. Luffy. Big crybaby. Doesn't know what two plus two is. Totally helpless in a fight. Can't walk down the road without getting into trouble. But there's something about him that makes it so you can't help but love him. He's probably set out by now, shouting how he'll become Pirate King at the top of his lungs every other minute. I'm scared as hell about him actually being on the Grand Line, but he's got to live his own life and I have to let him." Ace sighed. "Yep, that's my little brother." He cocked his head. "Why'd you ask?"

Marco shrugged, hiding a shit-eating grin. Oh, this was going to be good. "Oh, no reason. I'm just looking at his record-breaking bounty poster, that's all."

"Wait, what?" blurted Ace, snatching the poster from Marco's hand. He straightened it out and took a good look at it. He blinked. He rubbed his eyes. He blinked some more. He took a breath.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, LUFFY?!"

Those and sundry laid out on the deck jumped as a miniature explosion seemed to take place. They all turned to see Ace literally steaming, flickers of flame racing over his skin as he breathed heavily, clutching a now charred poster.

Marco sipped the fumes of his brother's outraged surprise like they were a fine cognac. "You seem a tad tense, yoi," he remarked dryly.

"Of course I'm fucking tense! My little brother has the biggest Rookie bounty in the history of the world! How the bloody blue fuck did this happen?! When I left he could barely throw a punch straight and now he's practically a Supernova after, what, one fucking month? How the motherfucking hell did this happen?!" Ace's rant climaxed with another blast of uncontrolled flame.

"Man, I forgot how big a potty mouth Ace is when he gets in a bad mood," muttered Jozu.

"Not really the point, man," sweatdropped the guy next to him.

Marco wiggled the hand holding the paper. "Well, there's an article in here about him. A whole page, too, yoi. I'd offer it to you, but I'm afraid you might burn it." You'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to miss the teasing sarcasm.

"Give me the goddamn paper, Marco!"

Marco held up his hands in a don't-shoot-the-messenger gesture as the mass of paper and ink was torn out of his hands. Ace raced through the article, muttering like a madman as his face got more and more pale the further he got in.

"A new and frightening evil has emerged on the seas, blah blah blah, slander and calumny, 'first appeared with the cruel and unwarranted assault of respected Marine Captain Morgan', hey I remember that guy. Total dick, so I guess that's understandable if he did something to piss Lu off. 'Abused family connections to steal Marine secrets' what the fuck… don't tell me he actually tricked Gramps into training him! Gramps is going to chew him up, shit him out, and pound him flat for a _start_ if that's what he did. 'Seduce and conquer his rivals into submission'… what?! That doesn't sound like Luffy at all! He beats up first and asks questions never, he doesn't recruit. 'To the Monster Doctor…', what the hell, were you high or something Lu? 'Measures will be swiftly taken'… shit, that doesn't sound good. Goddamn it all the hell, Luffy, what the fuck are you thinking?!"

"There a problem, son?"

Ace jumped, turning to see the man that he'd devoted his life to. Edward Newgate was an intimidating figure, an example of the diluted Giant blood common on the Grand Line, standing over twice as tall as most of his sons. Though his skin was wrinkled, it was pulled so taut over solid, powerful muscle you could bounce a coin off his abs. His unmistakable mustache bristled as he frowned down at Ace. He seemed deaf to the calls of the three nurses in pink ineffectively admonishing him.

"Pops! You shouldn't be standing!"

The Yonko rolled his eyes. "Gurarara. I'm not made of glass. I can walk if I want to. And I was worried. You haven't had a flare-up since the first week you had your gift. What's wrong, son?"

Ace shook his head. "My idiot little brother, that's what," he grumbled.

"Oh? The brat with Shanks's hat? What's he done to get you so worked up?"

Without a word, Ace handed the crispy poster over to his 'father'.

Whitebeard squinted, before raising a brow. "This is the 'weak' little brother you're always talking about? Doesn't seem so weak. His bounty's more than twice what yours was, gurarara."

Ace blushed. "I swear, he was totally helpless when I left three years ago."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that, yoi."

"Shut up, feather-brain!"

"Still, what'd the brat do? East Blue is the last place I'd expect a price like this to pop up," Whitebeard mused.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say he knew I'd joined you and is trying to show me up! He somehow got all the big names in East Blue to join him! I always figured him for a small crew, tiny even, and now it's like he's building an army!"

"They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," Haruta commented.

Whitebeard hid a little smirk. "So this is what you meant, you Red-Hair brat? 'Bet on the next generation' indeed."

* * *

On an unremarkable Spring Island in Paradise, one of the most feared pirates in the world had set up base. The grunts of his crew were well-known, feared pirates in the Blues; the officers on a level that barely qualified as human. The man himself would give all three Admirals pause.

Yet he'd been laid low by one of the oldest and simplest vices known to man.

"Someone turn off the sun! I hate hangovers," moaned the one-armed emperor.

Benn Beckman released a thin stream of smoke from his lungs. "It's your own fault for forgetting to drink some water last night."

"But water's got no alcohol!" The forty something sounded like a toddler.

"That's kinda the point, Captain," mumbled Lucky Roo around his usual mouthful of meat.

Yasopp sighed. "I spy, with my little eye…"

"No fair, Yasopp-san! No one can beat you, you always pick something none of us can see!" whined one of the newer recruits.

The dreadlocked man grinned. "I was going to say the News Coo. Turn out your pockets and look for change, boys!"

Some of the coins handed over had green stuff on them, but eventually they managed to get the News Coo to part with its cargo.

Benn glanced at the headlines and opened to examine the full articles that caught his attention. He barely noticed the slips of paper that fell out of the folds.

"Hmm, new bounties! Ready the dartboard, gentlemen," called one of Yasopp's underlings.

Lucky Roo's eyes widened. "Wait a minute!"

"What?" asked the guy who picked up the poster on top.

"Captain, doesn't that look like…" began the portly glutton.

"It is," interrupted Benn, unfazed as usual. "He has a whole page right here. Looks like Captain's hunch was right."

"What're you guys talking about?" grumbled Shanks, turning his bloodshot eyes to the piece of paper causing so much fuss. They just about popped out of his skull when the photo came into focus.

A slow grin spread across the man's face. "Boys, break out the casks! We're having a party!"

"But you were just complaining about your hangover!" protested one of the mooks.

"Irrelevant! We can't let an event like this go by without a celebration! We go hard tonight, boys!"

"It's not even the afternoon," muttered one of the most heavily affected from last night.

Shanks merely turned his head towards the East. _'So, let's see what you can do… Luffy.'_

* * *

The Armada was a mess. Each ship was its own self-contained explosion as each crew gaped at the bounties.

"Why'd they even issue mine if I'm not getting a price bump?! Am I just some footnote to those tools?" raved Buggy.

"Well, I don't look weird," mused Jango.

"Hmm, my own bounty. Kind of get how this went to Krieg's head. This is a strange ego boost to seeing this," reflected Gin.

"20 million?! That's even bigger than it was last time! And what the hell kind of nickname is 'Lightning Thief'? That's not nearly as cute as 'Cat Burglar'! People will think I'm actually dangerous now! That means they'll want to fight me! Which means I have to fight now! Which means I have to kill you, Luffy!"

"You're the one that wanted to beat Arlong. You earned every Beri of that, Nami." Luffy was too distracted to properly fear for his life. He couldn't stop the childish grin on his face. _'This looks much cooler than the last one'_ he mused. _'And for some reason I find the number incredibly funny.'_

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

MONKEY D. 'STRAW HAT' LUFFY

99,000,000 Beri

* * *

**So? Come on, you gotta give me props for stretching one episode into 10k words! And, God as my witness, the updates are going to be more regular from here on out! Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, all that stuff. Hope you guys forgive me!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Well, here it is. The big one. The one we've all been waiting for. With this chapter, I cross the mythical line into 100k+ territory, where this fic will gain the attention of even the snootiest and most word-biased of readers (which I confess to being myself).**

**Your overwhelming support, even when I didn't update for months at a time, has truly touched me. I finally get what Beyoncé and Gaga mean when they say it's the fans that make everything worth it. Love you guys!**

**Now, let's move on to the Loguetown Arc and the conclusion of the East Blue Saga of the new and improved One Piece: New Game Plus!**

**P.S. The-Lost-Samurai has a story called Second Wind. Not only is it pretty good, s/he said they read** _**this** _ **for inspiration! I feel so flattered!**

**P.P.S.** _**THIS. IS. FANFICTION!** _ **I HAVE NO PUBLISHER BREATHING DOWN MY NECK TO MEET DEADLINES!** _**THIS. IS. A.** _ _**HOBBY!** _

**So pardon me if I'm the freaking George R.R. Martin of updates. In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss: "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."**

…

…

…

**And I may or may not have been diagnosed with PTSD for the INCIDENT that happened last fall, as well as for some shit that happened back in middle school. Oh, and turns out I'm bipolar too. Fun. Though it does explain a lot. So this whole year has basically been dedicated to putting my pathetic life back together again. And working out through trial and error which cocktail of psychotropic drugs is exactly right for my poor abused liver and slightly defective brain. Maslow's hierarchy being what it is, I figured I should work through the layers before returning to the top, i.e. creative pursuits. My 'Fifty Shades' thing was a product of horniness and cabin fever rather than true recovery.**

**But here I am now. With a late Christmas present to ring in the New Year, if only to end the constant badgering to update. It's like I'm dealing with a bunch of junkies, honestly.**

**Moving on…**

* * *

The sun was just starting to peak over the horizon, painting the sky in a glorious palette available only to Mother Nature herself. A light mist clung to the surface of the ocean, giving the whole world an ethereal beauty. Seagulls cried out to each other, light and free, riding the invisible currents of the air as they soared through the sky. It was truly a glorious morning on the East Blue.

Not that any of the Straw Hat Armada had the time to appreciate it. They were too busy trying not to pass out.

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!" bellowed Luffy through a megaphone from the comfort of his 'special seat'.

" **I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!** " answered his crews, currently doing knee-highs while shadowboxing around their respective ships.

"PIRATES SURE DO LOVE THEIR GOLD!"

" **PIRATES SURE DO LOVE THEIR GOLD!** "

"I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID!"

" **I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID!** "

"PIRATES DON'T QUIT TILL THEY'RE DEAD!"

" **PIRATES DON'T QUIT TILL THEY'RE DEAD!** "

"PEACE MAINS SET OUT WITH A CHEER!"

" **PEACE MAINS SET OUT WITH A CHEER!** "

"UNLIKE THOSE UGLY MORGANEERS!"

" **UNLIKE THOSE UGLY MORGANEERS!** "

"THOSE WHO RAPE AND RAID AND KILL!"

" **THOSE WHO RAPE AND RAID AND KILL!** "

"WE'RE JUST IN IT FOR THE THRILL!"

" **WE'RE JUST IN IT FOR THE THRILL!** "

"FINDING ONE PIECE IS OUR GOAL!"

" **FINDING ONE PIECE IS OUR GOAL!** "

"CAUSE FREEDOM IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL!"

" **CAUSE FREEDOM IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL!** "

"THE ONE WHO FINDS IT WILL BE KING!"

" **THE ONE WHO FINDS IT WILL BE KING!** "

"AND KINGS CAN GO DO ANYTHING!"

" **AND KINGS CAN GO DO ANYTHING!** "

"HE WON'T FORGET HIS AWESOME FRIENDS!"

" **HE WON'T FORGET HIS AWESOME FRIENDS!** "

"WHO STUCK WITH HIM UNTIL THE END!"

" **WHO STUCK WITH HIM UNTIL THE END!** "

"THAT'S WHY WE SAIL IN THE ARMADA!"

" **THAT'S WHY WE SAIL IN THE ARMADA!** "

"FOR OUR CAPTAIN 'MUGIWARA'!"

" **FOR OUR CAPTAIN 'MUGIWARA'!** "

"ONE, TWO, SUNSHINE!"

" **ONE, TWO, SUNSHINE!** "

"WE~ GO!"

" **WE~ GO!** "

"BREAK! Okay everybody, that's it for today! Take five to cool down then fall apart for messy… or is it fall in for mess? Eh, whatever! Good job, guys!"

Several men collapsed to the deck, clutching whichever cramp was burning the most. Their companions, barely better off, offered hands to help stretch out. They all looked about as threatening as sea sponges, but once they got a hot shower and an Attack Cuisine breakfast, they'd all be right back to being fearsome, if amicable, pirates.

"That was shorter than usual," Nami commented, looking up from her compass. She'd actually had to relearn how to use one when she'd got sent back. That had been pretty funny in a backwards kind of way, actually.

Luffy shrugged. "I just wanted to wake them up. They're going to need their energy later. You know how much trouble we got into with just five of us. Imagine what's going to happen with 300 odd Straw Hats wandering around Lougetown. Do you think the chaos will be cumulative or are there economies of scale?"

"I really wouldn't know," the redhead grumbled. "Will you at least promise you won't cause a scene for at least an hour? We actually do have a lot more to do this time around."

"Cross my heart," Luffy swore, tracing where his scar once was (would be?). "I've gotta check up on something anyway. Even then, I'll take the scenic route to the execution platform."

"Why do you even have to visit that again?" Usopp asked, walking up to the bow. "It's really public and you've already done it. Couldn't we at least try to slip in and out of a place without leaving behind a trail of wreckage?"

The captain huffed. "I was just a kid the last time I was up there, Usopp. I had no idea what it was like for someone that had seen the Grand Line to die looking on something so ordinary. Now that I've seen the things I've seen, it's going to be a whole new experience!" Luffy quirked a brow at his sniper. "By the way, I hope it's not just our new friends that have been training. You getting any better at your Observation?"

Usopp looked away and rubbed his nose. "I'm fine at using it to find my targets. It's using it to do the whole 'mind-reading-dodge' thing that I'm no good at. I can't stay that calm when there's a guy an inch from my face trying to pound me."

Luffy grinned. "Well, you could try what I did! Put on a blindfold and have Kaya hit you!"

For some inexplicable reason, Usopp was suddenly seized by a coughing fit. He probably burst a blood vessel too, because his face was suddenly red enough to be seen from space.

Nami cast an eye at Kaya supervising Zoro doing some simple stretches. "It's always the quiet ones," she muttered.

"Nami-swan! Your breakfast is ready! I have fresh squeezed juice from your tangerines and I made marmalade from the rinds which I took the liberty to spread on your toast! I call it Pain Perdu à la Nami! I hope you find it especially delicious!" Sanji stopped puffing smoke hearts and wiggling his legs in a way that really shouldn't be anatomically possible to resume his usual gruff demeanor. "Oi, jerks! Your morning slop is ready!"

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Bipolar love-cook," he growled.

"Hmm, apparently I'm considered one of the guys now. Should I perhaps take offense to that and see how he reacts?" Kaya asked, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

The swordsman grinned like a shark. "I knew there was a reason I liked you."

After watching Sanji writhe a little, the crew settled down for breakfast. Meals were actually somewhat ironic affairs aboard the Going Merry. The crew, long conditioned by Luffy's thieving nature when it came to all things edible, had developed a series of strategies and methods in order to eat what they could before it vanished. However, Luffy was now the picture of table manners, courtesy of Garp's thorough if hypocritical conditioning. The result was that the majority of the crew would all keep half an eye on Luffy and flinch at his slightest twitch, eating like wolfs, while the Captain himself would eat sedately with his knife and fork. For Kaya, it was beyond entertaining. For the rest, it was just plain sad.

Once the table was cleared, Nami pulled out a checklist. "Let's go over things one more time."

Usopp groaned. "When did docking get so complicated? We never had to use a list before. We just winged it."

Nami pierced him with a glare. "Well, since a certain idiot decided to expand our operation, that's not going to work anymore."

"I resemble that remark," protested Luffy, patting his mouth with a napkin and not seeming aware he was doing it.

Sanji axe-kicked his captain's head on principle. "Continue, Nami-swan. Have I mentioned how pretty you are when you're well-organized?"

Ignoring the second half of that, Nami examined the paper. "Sanji-kun, you're to take the Baratie crew and get groceries. We know Whiskey Peak is having a food shortage. And though there's lots of game on Little Garden, I'd rather we not spend too much time there. The last thing we need is another Kestia episode. Drum's still trying to find its legs again, so they won't have too much to spare." Looking up, having at some point donned reading glasses, she eyed the chef. "Will 25 million buy us enough to get all the way to Arabasta?"

Trying to think through the meganekko haze, Sanji did some calculations in his head. "Let's see. Food for 320 active people, plus 30 cooks and 20 animals, at three square meals a day plus the fourth for the night shift. Enough for 3 weeks, though with uncertain weather we should have a cushion of at least a week. Given the discount on bulk purchases… accounting for fishing between the islands… if we do half-rations every other day… assuming no one pulls a Luffy… that should about do it. Though we'd be living off salt pork and ship biscuit by the time we dock at Nanohana."

Nami nodded. "Good, because that's all I'm willing to spend. Even when we're rich, we don't have enough money. Running an armada's damn expensive."

"First lesson in business. When is enough enough? Enough is never enough," Kaya quoted airily, reflecting on all her tutoring sessions with her late father.

Nami went on. "I don't want to risk drawing Smoker's attention, so Gin and the Don crew can't just steal a ship. Thankfully, I heard the shipyard there's struggling ever since all the pirate customers stopped appearing. They should be able to get a pretty good deal. Usopp, your job is to do whatever the heck it is you do to get what you need for your lab. Luffy's training can only go so far. If we're to keep all the grunts from cannon-fodder status, they're going to need some quality liar's tricks up their sleeves. Plus, I'm sure all the other captains and officers are going to need their weapons upgraded sooner or later."

Usopp puffed his chest. "Just leave it to me! I'm the king of flea markets and junk shops. Why, I once made a particle accelerator with just some copper wire and a four-piece toaster oven I got for just…"

Tuning out the jibber-jabber of the fellow member of the weakling trio, Nami moved on. "Kaya, Kadoo, and I are going clothes shopping after I run a little errand with Jango. Everyone else is free to do their own thing, provided they keep their cover until Luffy starts to blow things up. Though I'm tempted to give Zoro an escort so he doesn't get lost," she tacked on with a straight face.

"I don't get lost. Everything else just moves when I'm not looking," Zoro huffed, tilting his new hat.

"Riiiiiii~" Sanji drawled.

"Shut up, cook."

"I'm not done! – ~iiiiiiiiiight."

Luffy chuckled. "Well, that's settled. One last stop before the Grand Line, guys. So let's get this show on the…"

He trailed off, his mouth going slack. His eye grew to the size of saucers while his pupils reduced to the size of pinpricks. His normal healthy tan rapidly paled, first to the color of bad porridge, then to chalk, before settling on ghostly ivory. His body suddenly started shaking, as if coming down from an adrenaline high, or perhaps having a mild seizure.

Alarmed, the crew rose. "Luffy, what is it?" questioned Nami.

For a second, he didn't move. Then he seemed to jerk, as if struck from a trance. With shocking speed, he made for the furthest corner of the room, where he proceeded to curl into a ball and start shivering as if he was out in a blizzard.

Now very creeped out, the crew exchanged looks. Kaya, suddenly the picture of nonthreatening gentleness, held up her hands and slowly inched toward her captain, as if approaching a spooked animal.

"Luffy-san? Is something the matter?" she purred in a tune as soothing as a lullaby.

The man-child's only response was a tiny moan.

Slowly kneeling, Kaya got on eye-level with Luffy. "If you don't tell us what's wrong, we can't help you," she coaxed.

Luffy took a huge breath, so much that his sides expanded, before letting it out in a shuddering gasp.

"He's here," rasped Luffy, sounding like he was speaking from his own grave.

"Who's here?" Kaya asked, softly as a kitten's fur.

"Gramps. He's here. And he's _pissed_ ," Luffy hissed.

Kaya smiled gently. "Okay. Why does that affect you so much?"

"You don't get it," Luffy snarled. "Gramps is _pissed_. He'll look for us, and he'll find us, and when he does he's going to DESTROY US ALL!" Luffy had started out barely above a whisper, but ended screaming at the top of his lungs.

Kaya didn't outwardly react. "Luffy-san, I'm sure you're overreacting—"

"DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!" Luffy roared like a broken record.

Her face still angelic in its serene calm, Kaya pulled back her hand and slapped Luffy so hard that his head turned around a few times. "Please don't interrupt me when I'm comforting you," she chided.

When Luffy's head settled back in its proper alignment, he took a couple breaths. His shaking had stopped. "Thanks, Kaya. I needed that."

"Happy to help!" she chirped. She stood back up and waltzed over to Usopp's side. She either didn't notice or didn't care how her other three nakama all leaned away from her. "What did you think of my bedside manner, Usopp-kun?"

Usopp was either a much better actor then he let on or he truly didn't fear his girlfriend at all. "You're a natural, Kaya-chan. Chopper will be lucky to have you as a nurse."

"Aw, Gatsby!" Kaya simpered, blinking doe eyes up at the sniper as she cuddled up closer.

Filtering out the weirdness for the sake of her sanity, a skill she was unfortunately very practiced at, Nami got back on topic. "Luffy, what the hell was that? Why are you this freaked out about your grandpa being at Loguetown?"

Luffy, though no longer in a blind panic, turned a bit blue at Nami's words. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to see him until Water 7, if then! I thought they'd send some back-up with my higher bounty but I never thought that Gramps would be this close. Shit, this is so bad."

Sanji resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Why are you this freaked out? We've run into your grandpa before and walked away pretty okay."

Like an extraterrestrial parasitic larva, Luffy launched at Sanji's face and latched on. "USE YOUR HEAD MAN! Last time, I didn't trick him! Every damn time he saw me, I was shouting to the rooftops how I would never ever be a marine and was going to be Pirate King if it killed me! When I actually followed through, it was a disappointment but no big surprise! When he came to Water 7 that was him checking up on family! And at Marineford, he _let_ me hit him so he could fake defeat and give himself an out! This time, he's MAD as FUCK! This time, he thinks I've betrayed him! This time, HE'S ACTUALLY GOING TO FIGHT!"

Usopp was getting a sinking feeling. Still, he tried to convince Luffy and himself that there was nothing wrong. "Come on, Luffy. You can take on that old man. Didn't you say you could take on an Admiral and win?"

Luffy detached from Sanji only to swivel toward Usopp. If Kaya hadn't been there, he'd probably have given his sniper the same face-to-face screaming treatment. "AN ADMIRAL?! Sure! I can take on one lousy Admiral! That's peanuts compared to taking on my freaking grandpa! He's old school! He's up there with the Yonko! If you asked me to bet between him and old man Whitebeard, I'd have to flip a coin! And remember, Gramps doesn't have a Devil Fruit! He doesn't have some special weapon and he doesn't have any creature blood lending advantages! He's just a plain, old, vanilla human being with nothing but Haki and his fists! And he still was to Roger what Smokey ended up being to me. THINK ABOUT THAT! WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU ABOUT HIM?!"

There was dead silence as the reality of Luffy's words and blind fear started to sink in.

Zoro, stoic as always, hmm'd. "Must be one hell of a fist."

Luffy seemed ready to swallow his tongue. "You have no idea. If you told me he tunneled through the Red Line with his bare hands, I'd believe you. According to old man Chinjao, Gramps leveled 8 mountains to WARM UP for their fight. THAT'S what's waiting for us. And I can feel just how spitting mad he is all the way from here."

Wiping the spit off his face with a fresh silk handkerchief, Sanji recovered from Luffy's 'attack'. Curious, and more than a little apprehensive, he cast his gaze inward on the sixth sense that was Observation and tried to sense what had set his captain off.

**RaG** _ **E H**_ _A_ t **e fUr** **y T** R **EA** _ **CH**_ **E** RY A _GO_ _ **NY LOSs**_ **f** **rE** N **Z** **Y** _ **VENGEANCE!**_

There were no words to describe the aura emanating from Loguetown. It was like a wounded animal, torn up and bleeding and mad with pain. It was also a fallen ruler, betrayed by his closest friend, his family, stabbed in the back and the knife twisted. And it was a hurricane, a typhoon, a storm of screaming wind and freezing rain and pounding waves, a mass of elemental chaos determined to level all in its path to satisfy its wrath.

Such was the mood of the earthbound god that was Vice-Admiral Monkey D. Garp 'the Fist', hero of the Marines.

Sanji opened his eyes to find himself flat on the floor. Around his screaming self-preservation instincts, he wasn't surprised. If anything, he was amazed he only got away with being knocked on his ass.

"Oh, Luffy," Sanji moaned, getting to his feet before the confused eyes of his nakama, "what have you done?"

The young king-to-be gulped, seeing the echo of his own fear in his cook's eyes. "What I had to do. It was the only way I had to get to where I had to be. I was just banking on him having a couple months to cool off." Trying and failing to pull off his usual nonchalant grin, Luffy added "I do have a plan, though!"

"Pray tell," Nami asked, moving over to the trembling Sanji. In a rare bout of kindness, she placed a hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him. Such was his condition that he didn't even perv out at the touch. He just reached up to lay his hand over hers. He still shook.

Luffy laughed halfheartedly. "Well, you see, Gramps is mad because he thinks I broke my promise to be a Marine. The thing is, I never actually said that I would. I just asked him to make me strong and made puppy eyes until he said yes. Anything else is just his own assumptions. When I tell him that, he'll realize that it's all his own fault and he has no reason to take it out on me. Simple as that. Isn't that great?"

Zoro gave Luffy a flat stare. "Luffy, do you remember Whiskey Peak?"

Luffy frowned. "Of course I do."

"Do you remember trying to kill me because you thought I had slaughtered the generous townspeople in cold blood?"

Suddenly finding the corner of the room extremely interesting, Luffy answered "Um, yes."

"Do you remember me trying to explain that they were really bounty hunters trying to catch us in a trap?"

"You know, it was years ago, the memories are all kind of fuzzy…"

"Do you remember countering with, and I'm quoting here, 'Enemies don't give you food'?"

"I may have said that. Shoot, I say a lot of things."

"Do you remember your grandpa blurting out who your father was before he remembered it was supposed to be a secret at Water 7?"

"That does sound like him," Luffy mumbled, by now squirming like there were squids copulating in his shorts.

"Do you remember Aokiji saying that you and your grandpa are a lot alike?"

Luffy didn't even respond.

Zoro waited a beat. Finally, he asked "Do you _really_ think your grandpa will let you off on a technicality?"

"Ahhh…. errr… mumblewumble…" Luffy dithered. When he ran out of delaying sounds, he hung his head. "I can dream, can't I?" he muttered, suddenly at the center of his own dark cloud.

Zoro quirked his lips. "I'll take that as a 'no'."

Nami sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Someone please tell me that we're not totally fucked. I don't even care if you're lying. I just need to hear it."

Kaya spoke up. "You know, Luffy-san, my father had a saying. He was talking about business, but I think it applies here. It was 'hope for the best, plan for the worst'. Now, your grandfather just might forgive you when you explain. But just in case he doesn't, we need to know what to do."

Luffy wallowed for a moment longer. Then he got up and sat down back at his chair. "Usopp, could you be a dear and hit me in the head with a hammer?"

The liar tilted his head. "Um, you sure?"

"Captain's orders."

"Well, if you insist…" With some hesitance, Usopp walked up to his captain while rifling around his bag. Taking a breath, Usopp reared back and yelled "Usopp Hammer!"

A goose egg raised on Luffy's head as Usopp lifted the mallet off of his skull. Raising a hand, Luffy scratched the bump like he would the side of his head. He scrunched up his face, steam practically coming out his ears. After a minute of pondering, he put a finger on the protrusion and pushed it back into his skull. That done, Luffy stood up.

"I have… 12 percent of a plan."

Nami resisted the urge to bang her head on the table.

Zoro shrugged. "Better than 11 percent. Let's hear it."

* * *

The Armada docked within the hour. Well, 'docked' might not be the proper verb. They didn't sail into the official port and weigh anchor with all the reputable ships. Even 'original' Luffy wasn't stupid enough to sail into a town with a known Marine presence with skull-and-crossbones flying. Well, he did it because 'pirates don't dock with the boring people', but still. Rather, the four ships found some nice rocks a good two miles away from town.

It was organized chaos as the crews disembarked, save for the unlucky few that had drawn short straws on guard duty. Those were currently getting treated to a motivating talk from a strangely subdued Luffy about how the safety of their ships, their homes, their inanimate friends rested on their shoulders. They all seemed strangely proud of being stuck with the boring job by the time their Captain was done.

Usopp was calling out orders through the megaphone, standing up on a nearby crate. "NO SHOVING! FIND YOUR ASSIGNED GROUPS AND WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS WITH AS LITTLE FRUSTRATION AS POSSIBLE! CLOAKS ARE BEING PASSED AROUND BY BUGGY! FIND THE NEAREST LIMB AND COLLECT YOUR OWN IN AN ORDERLY FASHION! PERSONAL ALLOWANCE IS BEING DISTRIBUTED BY NAMI! IF SHE DOESN'T LET GO RIGHT AWAY THEN GENTLY GET HER ATTENTION, DON'T TRY TO INITIATE A TUG-OF-WAR! THAT JUST SETS HER OFF! BE SURE TO SET OUT WITH AT LEAST A FIVE-MINUTE CUSHION SINCE THE LAST GROUP, WE DON'T WANT TO BE TOO SUSPICIOUS! REMEMBER, ALL UNITS ARE TO REPORT TO THE TOWN SQUARE BY THE TIME THE STORM HITS, SO MAKE GETTING YOUR SUPPLIES FIRST PRIORITY! AND SMILE! IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU SET OUT FOR THE GRAND LINE!"

Nami was openly weeping as she got to Gin. "Okay, here's the funds for your new ship," she said to him, holding a moneybag like it was her firstborn. "His name is Marvin. If he gets fussy, just say some rhymes with a funny face. Be sure to spend him before sundown, he doesn't like to meet strangers when it's dark."

Gin hid his sweatdrop. "Right. I'll just take… Marvin off your hands."

"Take him off my hands. Yep," she said faintly, not moving.

"You can just hand him over."

"Hand him over. Right."

"… Ready to receive him."

Nami sobbed, but finally relinquished the sack. Gin had to hide the twitch in his muscles as he struggled under the weight. For a self-proclaimed weak little girl, she sure had a strong pair of biceps.

Ordeal done, Nami turned to her personal sack of money. "Don't worry, Daisy! I'll never give you away! I'll be holding onto you forever! And when I die, and become a skeleton, I'll still be holding you, yes!" she cooed.

"Something is seriously wrong with that chick," muttered Gaimon, looking up from where he was arranging the pets into their guard formation. Between Richie and Mohmoo as role models, even the bearaffe, arguably the cutest, looked threatening. Anyone who assumed the animals were just for show was in for the stampede from hell on an acid trip.

Zoro slid to Luffy's side after Kaya had finished giving him a fifteen-minute lecture on what he could and could not do, reminding him "No swords". "Hey, Luffy? What's going on with you? Your aura is all wonky."

Luffy looked like he had to fight to get each word through the manic concentration that clouded his features. "Camouflage. For Gramps. First… tone down voice. Then blend… with surroundings. Very hard. Please stop talking."

Zoro just sighed and wandered off. He didn't have a clear destination, he just knew that he didn't want to run into that Kuina look-alike. Even with his dream accomplished and her spirit laid to rest, he was sure that woman would make him all kinds of uncomfortable. Therefore, he was determined to avoid her.

Naturally, she was the first thing he ran into. But more on that later.

Sanji finished his cigarette, took a minute to ogle Nami bent over counting her money, and turned to the Baratie crew. "Okay, morons. Time to get provisions. Don't let yourselves get scalped by the fishmongers."

"Shut up, Sanji! We can shop just fine!" groused Patty.

The former sous raised a brow. "Really? Because as I recall, when I took over for you on stocking the restaurant, our profits nearly doubled. How much money were you costing us with your shitty haggling skills, eh Patty?"

"Less than you did with constantly updating your wardrobe. I could bathe in caviar for the amount you spent on shoes, eggplant," Zeff huffed.

Sanji flushed to the roots of his hair. "You're one to talk, shitty geezer! How much does that special shampoo you use for your mustache cost us each month?"

"About half as much as your cigarettes, brat! With how many cartons you go through in a week, I'm surprised we didn't go out of business!"

"Oh, please! How much did that hatter charge you to commission that ridiculous toque of yours?"

Carne sighed with his fellow cooks as they followed the two bickering blondes towards Loguetown. This could go on for days.

Jango shuffled as he stood next to Kadoo. "So, what's this thing Nami wants me to help you girls with?"

"No idea. I don't bother asking that woman questions. It's better to just go with it and not get charged the detail tax," shrugged the harlequin.

The hypnotist coughed and subtly checked his breath. "You know, Kadoo, I've always thought that you were, uh, well, a lovely girl…"

"What about the ruddy earl?" she asked, tilting her head.

"I mean, a vision of beauty!" panicked the man.

"Fishin' for doody? What kind of sicko are you?" she exclaimed.

"No, that's not what I – I mean, you heard wrong. No, I… oh fuck it. When I say one, two, Jango, you'll forget the last minute. One, two, Jango!" The disco enthusiast waited for the vacant expression to leave the girl's eyes before trying again. "So, nice weather we're having, right?"

Siam and Buchi watched from the side with pity. "That's the third time today. You think the captain's ever gonna get it right?" asked the slim one.

"I hope so. At this rate, the poor girl's going to be eating meals with a straw before he seals the deal," mused the large one.

Cabaji sighed as he witnessed all the idiosyncrasies of the armada. "Could this group get any stranger?" he asked his companion as he witnessed his Captain chew out a Don for accidentally tickling his armpit while grabbing his coat.

Mohji looked up from braiding Richie's mane. "Not unless we got an amorphous white creature that morphs into a sword with ADD _and_ OCD that was simultaneously so powerful it disrupts the very fabric of reality and so annoying it could make even the sun grimace."

Cabaji leaned away a bit. "You've got to stop hanging out with Usopp-sama. Your hypotheticals are getting ridiculous."

High above them, the sun grew spikes and a face, winked at the audience, and returned to being an ordinary ball of yellow flame.

Finally, everything was sorted out, and the Straw Hat Armada set out to take Loguetown by storm.

* * *

Nami pulled back the dressing room curtain, revealing that she was in a drop-dead cocktail dress with a stuffed fox as a scarf. "What do you think of this?" she asked.

"Effervescent, miss!" gushed the teller, who was apparently so committed to the trade of clothes that he'd gone to the trouble of growing his hair in the shape of a hanger.

"How about this?" Kaya asked, showing off a ball gown of conservative cut, but made of lace so translucent it bordered on indecent.

"Oh, electric, miss!" he simpered.

"What about me?" challenged Kadoo, sporting a boho dress of eye-searing kaleidoscopic color.

"E-eccentric, miss," he managed, his fake smile perfectly intact.

"And this?" Nami asked, already changed into a cowgirl outfit straight out of a farmhand's wet dream.

"Elegant, miss!"

The girls continued to try on half the store, with the attendant continuing to shower praise such as "Elemental!" and "Elegy!"… Guess he had a thing for words that start with 'e'. The man was almost drooling as he watched the pile on the checkout stand grow, mentally calculating how big his commission would be. When all three were back in their original clothes, he stepped forward. "So, will you be taking all of them?"

Nami smiled sweetly as she led the three of them out. "Nope. We're looking for something more casual."

"Please come again soon!" he shouted after them, crying rivers as his dreams of early retirement went up in smoke.

The girls chatted as girls are wont to do as they searched for their next hunting ground. "Man, that guy was pathetic. Was I the only one getting a creeper vibe off him? He probably collects all the underwear girls leave in the rooms," groused Nami.

"I'll give him one thing, he's committed to the sale. I was looking for a thesaurus when he was buttering us up," Kaya commented.

"None of that stuff was good for life on a ship. Man, is it too much to ask for a pirate couture boutique or something?" Kadoo whined.

"They'd get shut down by the Government in a Mariejois minute, so yeah," sighed Nami.

"The closest we'd get is a costume shop. Actually, why don't we try that? You can look for a salty wench's outfit and I can look for a few possibilities for the next time Usopp-kun and I have 'story time'," offered Kaya, hiding a mild nosebleed.

"Hate to interrupt this _riveting_ conversation," spoke up Jango, who'd been lagging behind them under the weight of numerous bags, "but WHY am I here, exactly?"

Nami rolled her eyes. "To be our pack mule, of course. You should be honored."

"Honored, my left nut! I already ran that little 'errand' for you! Why do I have to suffer this kind of torture?" the hypnotist protested.

Nami's eyes turned to Beri symbols as her eyes landed on the two stuffed duffel bags hanging off Jango's shoulders. That had been the easiest heist of her life. She'd had Jango accompany her to the biggest bank in Loguetown, where she'd had him hypnotize the teller into emptying the vault. All the others just assumed that he was some out-of-town business tycoon out for a day with his sugar baby. 500 million in five minutes, a new record. She thought there was a beautiful friendship in store for her and Jango.

Yes, her code used to be she only stole from pirates, but the armada needed funds. They were a lot more of them this time around, but Nami would always put her nakama first… provided she got a little something out of the deal too. Plus the bank was probably insured and the World Government would have to make up the funds. As far as Luffy was concerned, anything that caused those bastards a headache was time well spent, and Nami was happy to help.

She was brought back to reality by a piteous whine. "There go my knees! Oh, my arms! I'm gonna get crushed. I'm gonna get smeared like a puddle over all your clothes, how would you princesses feel about that?!"

"I'll brew you some willow bark tea later, now shut up! Take it like a man," barked Kadoo.

"Sure, whatever you say," mumbled Jango, defeated by his crush's command.

Kaya smirked. Hmm, another opportunity to stretch her yenta muscles. Should be easier than Operation Swirly Pinwheel. Those two were hopeless. Speaking up she said, "Oh honey, ignore the little man and let's find you some quality make-up. Your color palette is way out of alignment."

"So is my spine!" moaned the poor man stuck with them.

Nami chuckled, but then she looked towards the harbor with a frown. Vice-Admiral Garp's ship was on proud display. She hoped Luffy managed to keep his cover. Wouldn't do for them to get caught until they wanted to.

"Nami, come in here! This lip gloss is amazing!"

"Where?!" she cried, setting thoughts of the crew's survival aside for a much more important matter: fashion!

* * *

Were one to trace Luffy's path through Loguetown, they might well think that he was being led by a member of the Hibiki clan. In a mere fifteen minutes, he had circled the town once, turned back on himself thrice, jumped over two buildings, and taken at least one detour through a sewer.

However, there was a method to his madness. Garp apparently wasn't taking any chances: not only was the man himself wandering around the place like a cat searching for a mouse, but he'd stationed Marines at all major junctions and had the rest randomly patrolling. Luffy felt like he was playing a horrifically one-sided game of 'Cops and Robbers'.

The whole experience was made just that much harder by the constant colossal concentration needed to hide his aura, otherwise Garp would just hone in on him like a rat to cheese. Imagine simultaneously running a marathon and doing calculus. Through a warzone. With your mother-in-law yelling at you. While riding on your shoulders. Plus a bull charging at you from behind. And you have to go to the bathroom. On a worldwide broadcast.

It wasn't easy.

To help, he was repeating a mantra that Garp himself had taught him to help with the stealth side of Observation.

'I am the walls and the floors and air. I am everything and I am nothing. I'm not there.'

Luffy was currently blending in with a passing group down one of the city's many market streets. The trick was to move like them. Luffy was eying the pair of Petty Officers at the upcoming intersection, hoping that they were too bored to actually be scouting, when he felt himself being jerked by a massive hand into an alley.

Luffy had his thumb in his mouth and was halfway through blowing before he realized that the hand had red fingernail polish on the nails. And while Garp had developed a sweet tooth over the years, he was still quite fit and definitely _not_ wider than he was tall.

The hand let go and Luffy looked up into the face of the first woman he'd ever hit.

"Ah, Alvida. Fancy meeting you here."

One look was all it took to see this was a very different Alvida then the one Luffy had ran into in the alternate timeline. For one thing, she was still roughly the size of an adolescent elephant. For another, there was no haughty smirk on her lips. Before and after her transformation, Alvida had always carried herself with a casual arrogance, a certainty that she was the most significant being for a mile in any direction. There was none of that now. In fact, her shoulders were hunched, her face slack with calm, her eyes wide and earnest. The image of a puppy flashed through Luffy's head.

'Looks like that experiment worked out. Let's see where this goes,' mused Luffy.

The extra-large woman weakly smiled. "I've been looking for you, Straw Hat. Ever since that day."

"Why? Revenge, perhaps?" Luffy asked, noting that she'd replaced her club with a solid steel kanabo.

She shook her head so fast her neck rolls did the wave. "No, no way! I actually wanted to thank you!"

"Thank me? For what?" Luffy asked. To be honest, he'd barely remembered Alvida. She was just a test to see if careful application of Conqueror's could really profoundly change someone's personality, as his Gramps had so sternly warned him never to do. Reverse psychology, really.

Alvida gulped. "Look, I know what kind of person I was. I was cruel, I was petty, and my temper was a tripwire. I guess it goes back to my childhood. Everyone teased me for my weight. I ate because I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because I ate. It was a vicious cycle. Eventually, I decided to fight fire with fire and be mean right back. From there, I guess I got carried away. Before you know it, I was head of my own pirate crew, looting and pillaging and insisting on this fantasy that I was actually beautiful. To be honest, I was probably so vicious because deep down, I hated myself. But I was trapped in this situation I'd built myself."

Then Alvida's eyes lit up. "Then you showed up. Your words were harsh, but they were true. And then you _hit_ me." The woman moved a hand to rub her tummy. "No one had ever done that to me. It changed me. It was like you literally knocked some sense into me. When I landed in the ocean, all alone, all I could do was think about what you said, how bad things happen to bad people."

Luffy tried very hard to look like he was listening, though to be honest he could barely hear her through his mental decathlon.

"I'm not sure how, but I managed to swim to shore. I was so hungry. Then I came upon this fisherman who was having trouble with his nets. I thought about just stealing them from him, like I was used to, when your words flashed through my mind. So instead, I offered my help. And you know what? He offered me a few! He even cooked them for me. I could hardly believe it. I always thought people were inherently selfish and anything you wanted in this world, you had to take. Yet here was this man, giving me fish."

"Later, I was walking down the road, looking for a town. I passed this wagon, full of hay. This guy was scratching his head, shouting at the broken wheel like he thought that would fix it. I could have just passed him and minded my own business. The old me would have. But instead, I lifted up the wagon so he could replace the wheel. He was gushing, he was so happy. He even tossed out a bough so I'd have a spot to sit. Just like that he was offering me a ride! I was amazed at how trusting he was. I used to think that kindness was weakness, but seeing that man be so nice to a stranger, I now see it takes a strength I never knew."

Luffy nodded, in his head watching a cartoon Alvida act out the adventures her real counterpart was describing.

"Finally, I got to a town. I snuck around, because I didn't want to get noticed by the Marines. I just got to the pier when I heard this ruckus. It turned out that some punks were trying to mug some merchant that had just sailed in. I remember being scared, deciding I shouldn't interfere. But then I saw your face in my mind. And I realized that not doing anything is as bad as doing it yourself when you have the chance to help. And I didn't want to be bad anymore. So, I charged in. They actually ran away the second they saw me, I didn't even have to fight! Still, that was the hardest choice I ever had to make. And then the guy was so grateful, he gave me the very thing he'd been protecting."

With reverent movements, Alvida reached into her pocket and pulled out what looked like an avocado. A pink avocado. With very swirly skin. Luffy's eyes widened. He'd never actually been this close to another Devil Fruit, not since he'd ate his. Something inside him seemed to shy away from it, some instinctive fear activating at the presence of the innocuous foodstuff.

Alvida held it out in a gesture of supplication, even getting down on one knee. "This is my offering to you, Monkey D. Luffy. With one punch and a few words, you changed my life. You made me a better person. And… I want to keep changing. I want to become someone who can look herself in the mirror. If you will have me, I want to be with you. Your enemies would be my enemies, your challenges my challenges. Help me be better, and I will do anything you ask."

Luffy gulped. This was actually a bit scary. Sure, it had pretty much worked out for the better, but one sentence and a dash of Conqueror's, and he'd remade an entire personality. He'd have to be much more careful about this. Maybe there was a reason the World Government was so scared he had this power.

Refocusing on the present, Luffy picked up the fruit. A brief whisper from the Voice confirmed that it was the same one Alvida had found in another life. With a nod, he held it out to Alvida, who looked up in shock.

"This is the Sube Sube no Mi. It gives the eater incredibly smooth skin, to the point where attacks just slide off. A very useful power, and quite dangerous in the wrong hands." Luffy grinned his trademark grin at Alvida. "If you want to be my nakama, this will probably come in handy!"

Alvida gulped. "So, if I eat this, you'll let me sail with you?" Alvida had her doubts. She was determined to do what it took to be with her savior, but was it worth becoming a hammer, doomed to drown at the slightest opportunity? To say nothing of becoming responsible for some strange, mysterious power –

Alvida's racing thoughts were stopped by Luffy's snort. "No, silly. You can do that anyway. I just thought you might want it. If you want, you can sell it or just throw it away. It's yours, after all."

Alvida smiled. That. That was why she would do it. That simple, unthinking _goodness_ … she wanted be near it. She wanted to learn it. And she hoped, one day, she could find it within herself.

Without thinking twice, Alvida grabbed the fruit from her captain's hand and tossed it in her mouth. A few chews and a swallow, and it was done.

Then the flavor processed.

The obese woman all but gagged. "NASTY!" she cried, trying to think through the overpowering sense of each and every taste bud screaming 'THIS IS WHAT EVIL TASTES LIKE!' as they died a slow and painful death.

Luffy giggled. "Shishishishi. Forgot to warn you about that." A flash of concern went over his features. "I don't know if this next part will hurt or not. Sorry if it does."

Before Alvida could ask, she was hit by the single weirdest feeling of her life. Every cell in her body started to tingle as if they each had pounded a six-pack of Red Bull. Her bones suddenly started to protest as what felt like a whole puberty's worth of growth spurts was shoved into a few seconds, while everything else felt like it was getting sucked into some central point.

As fast as it hit, it was over. Alvida reached out a hand to steady herself, her balance feeling quite wonky, but it slid against the stone as if greased with butter. She staggered to recover her balance, and became aware of a curious breeze around her legs. Looking down, she was confused to see that her shirt had seemed to grow until it looked like she was wearing a tent while her pants and shoes seemed to have just fallen off her.

She looked up, hoping for an explanation from the object of her devotion, only to pause. "How'd you get so tall?" she asked, and reached up a hand to rub her throat. Did her voice sound different?

Luffy shrugged, that damnable grin still on his face. "I didn't grow. You just got smaller."

Before she could respond to that, all the blood drained from the young pirate's face faster than if someone had slit his throat. "I smell cigar smoke on the air. _The reckoning is upon us!_ " He shoved something into her hand. "Here's money for clothes, the ships are a walk along the coast with the sea on your right, the password is meat. I MUST AWAY!" Moving so quick he left an afterimage, the armada captain sprinted down the alley and out of sight.

Alvida stared into the alley's depths, feeling as puzzled as she'd ever felt, when she heard someone cough behind her. "Ma'am?"

Alvida turned, seeing that it was some random marine, a cigarillo poking out the side of his mouth. She tensed, fearing recognition, only to watch bemusedly as the guy started to drool and hearts replace his eyes.

Stepping around the odd man, hoping he wasn't some creeper, Alvida walked into the street. She jerked to a stop as everyone turned to look at her. As one, men and women started to gawp at her as if she were some kind of celebrity.

More than a little freaked out, trying to ignore the mumbling, Alvida slipped into the nearest clothing shop. She immediately made for the biggest clothes, reaching out for what caught her eye. She paused when she saw that her usual size seemed much too big. In fact, holding up a pair of pants to her hips, it looked like her whole body would fit in one of the leg holes with room to spare.

Confused as all get out, Alvida made for the dressing room. After locking the door behind her, she turned to look in the provided mirror.

And gasped.

Her whole body slid out of the neck hole of the shirt like she was slicked with cooking oil. She didn't notice. She was too consumed by the goddess in the mirror.

Thick, wavy locks. Cute, button nose. Taut, round buttocks. Everything men lusted after and women pined for was there, as if some god was working through a checklist. Full, bouncy tits: check. Svelte, hourglass figure: check. Legs that went for miles, smooth and creamy and hairless: check.

She was a new woman. For the first time in her life, she truly was beautiful, like she'd always wanted.

And also for the first time, she didn't feel like hearing others say it.

Alvida chuckled as she ran a hand over her silky cheeks. Figures. She got everything she ever wanted, just in time for it to not matter. If there was one thing she'd learned in the month since her world had turned upside-down, it was that it was what was on the inside that counted. Even if she'd looked like this when she met Luffy, she still would have been a terrible person. Sure, some shallow part of her was rejoicing like there was no tomorrow. But now, all she cared about was being a good person, following the example of a good man she'd just pledged herself to. Her newfound beauty didn't matter.

Quickly finding out her new measurements, Alvida stepped out of the shop properly clothed. Retrieving her kanabo from where she'd forgotten it, she made her way to the coast. Along the way, she marveled at the smoothness of her skin. Unless she gripped it properly, the spiked staff slid through her fingers like water. Curious, she ran a finger over one of the barbs, and her finger didn't even get cut. Luffy was right, this was going to be useful.

She then tripped and slid on her exposed stomach for a good spear's throw until she ran into some stacked crates.

Well, it was going to take some getting used to.

Walking along the coast, she passed a couple of stacked boulders only to come upon four docked ships. Three of them had a very familiar hat on their Jolly Rogers.

Alvida walked up, looking for someone, only to pause as what looked like a snake with fur and rabbit ears reared up and hissed at her.

"Halt, who goes there?!" shouted what looked like a bush.

Alvida turned to look, and noticed a few heads peaking over the lips of the ships. All of them seemed to have the same gobsmacked, dazed look in their eyes. Alvida couldn't tell if that was flattering or annoying.

Turning her attention to the bush, she decided to fall back on what Luffy told her. "Um, I have the password?"

The bush looked up, revealing some kind of caveman stuck in some kind of box. Alvida held her tongue. Who was she to critique appearances? Half an hour ago, she looked like an upright walrus.

"What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?" the bush asked with utmost solemnity.

Feeling a bit silly, hoping Luffy hadn't had his wires crossed when he'd left in such a hurry, Alvida answered "… Meat?"

The man nodded. "You may pass. May I ask what you're doing here?"

Alvida smiled kindly. "Luffy-sama let me join the crew."

"What, you mean she's our nakama? We get to see her every day?" yelled one of the men who suddenly appeared on the deck of the cat-themed ship.

"Captain Luffy is just the _best!_ " proclaimed a clown whose eyes were definitely not looking at her face.

A man in a chef's uniform walked up to her, looking not all there. "Ohhh hello papa geyna. Tu le peya kona papaya."

Alvida sighed as her new crewmates continued to be dazzled into stupidity.

This was _definitely_ going to take some getting used to.

* * *

Gin took a moment to admire the architecture of the street he was walking on. This was his first time visiting Loguetown. Krieg had declined to stock up here, claiming that "I already have everything I need to conquer the Grand Line!" Looking back, he was probably just too chicken to risk facing the White Hunter, the mysterious new Marine captain that had cracked down hard on pirates in the town.

Gin let out a sigh. For all his destructive power, Krieg really had been just a coward. How had Gin ever followed a man like that? Well, as they say, hindsight was 20/20.

The new captain looked over his shoulder at his crew. On second thought, a bunch of guys covered in cloaks really wasn't that much less suspicious than a bunch of guys in worn clothing and obviously armed. But then again, whereas the latter was almost immediately profiled as 'pirate' by passerby, the former merely earned cautious sidelong glances. Gin was pretty sure they'd been made by at least a dozen townsfolk on their way to the docks. But those who'd gotten that gleam in their eye had just shrugged and carried about their business. Who cares if you passed a pirate? They weren't bothering you, so just let them go. Sure, they'd probably hurt or rob someone else, but that wasn't your problem, right?

Many people who are just learning about the criminal underworld become convinced that there must be some grand conspiracy in place in order to keep it all hidden and uninvestigated. But the truth is, not many people care. Because, unless something goes down right in front of you, until something happens to you or someone you care about, you're not involved. So what if people are waiting outside your neighbor's door day and night? You don't _know_ they're a drug dealer. And that restaurant might be the one good spot in a bad neighborhood, but that doesn't _mean_ it's backed by the mob. It's not worth the trouble to try and make any waves. Just keep your head down and keep moving.

Society's biggest problem isn't greed or violence. It's sloth. Apathy. The world could be burning down around them, and most would just stick their heads in the sand.

Gin shook his head. Now wasn't the time to get lost in philosophic thought. The Don had charged him with a task, and he was going to complete it with the utmost effort and total focus.

They disguised Don crew got up to the last Marine checkpoint before the shipyards. "State your destination," droned the uniformed grunt, who looked so bored he might have been in danger of falling asleep standing up.

"The shipyard. We need to purchase a ship," said Pearl, speaking in place of Gin so they wouldn't give the newly infamous face too much of a look.

"Proceed," the Marine stated, not seeming like he heard a word.

"Wait!" shouted his companion, who looked so jittery he might fire his musket by accident. "Why are you all wearing those cloaks? Got something to hide?!"

Pearl kept his cool and gave the guy a look. Gin was struck by the odd thought of how different he looked when he wasn't wearing his helmet and his hair was down. "Relax, officer. We just heard it was going to rain later."

The kid, couldn't have been wearing the uniform longer than a month, let out an audible gasp of relief. "Oh. That's all. Sorry for the trouble. Enjoy your day!"

As they shuffled past, the pirate right next to Gin whispered "How the hell does that weak-ass excuse keep working?"

Gin shrugged. "These guys are looking for the Don, not us. They're not going to follow up on every creepy looking person when the highest bounty in this part of the world is wandering around. Don't jinx it, Juan."

"Sorry, cap," muttered the exposition peon, his purpose served and likely never to be noticed again.

The disguised crew made their way into the surprisingly quiet ship repair area. Violent as pirates were portrayed by the (cough propaganda cough) media, the damage was usually confined to flesh and blood instead of wood and cloth. In a confrontation, a vessel either quietly surrendered and got off with little more than a few scratches or 'valiantly' (read 'stupidly') put up a fight and got the classic powder-magazine package to the Davy Jones Junkyard.

Unless you were lucky enough for the Marines to intervene, and then you didn't get your repairs done at a private yard. Oh no, you got escorted to the nearest base and got treated by the best carpenters the World Government could afford. And to compensate you for your time and to just take a load off your terrorized little shoulders, the Marines would even take over the job of transporting any cargo you had on you, so you had one less thing to worry about. And if they maybe took a bit of the profits from the sale, well, think of that as a head start on your taxes. And if there always seemed to be less cargo at arrival than when the ship set out, well, what puny merchant had the balls to accuse the World Government of theft?

Point being, Age of Pirates or no, the ship repair business in Loguetown wasn't lucrative. Gin spotted a group of four ships all bearing the flag of the Eurus League, the company their own Kaya had abdicated in favor of following her boyfriend out to sea, in for what looked like a gale. And there was one yacht that, from what the Don Captain could tell, looked like some idiot that had no business owning a swivel gun had one too many drinks and spotted a rat on deck. Considering the max capacity was two dozen ships-of-the-line, they weren't exactly pressed for room.

One of the workers looked up from lying on a pile of rope, literally with nothing better to do. "Can I help you, strangers?"

Pearl spoke up. "Yes. Where are the ships for purchase?"

The guy tugged at a strand of hair that seemed permanently glued together by dried salt. "Depends on what you're looking for. Rafts, dinghies and such, you can always count on Holt and Sons. For fishing, you go to Angie's Anglers. You don't mind selling an arm and a leg for too little hold room, you can get a decent merchant vessel from Peterman & Co."

Gin spoke up. "And if we were in need of something with a little… firepower?"

The dockhand raised a brow and seemed to give their little group a second look. Gin's hand moved an inch closer to his hidden tonfa. "I'd say you'd need the devil's luck to make it off this rock afore the White Hunter catches wind of you. And to spirit you away to do whatever it is I shan't concern myself with, you'll need Ohama." With that, he waved at a shop that had seen better days in front of a gated off section of the docks. He went right back to cloud watching as they shuffled past him.

Gin looked up at the sign listing at a slight angle over the dusty windows and beaten door. 'Shadow Hawk Watercraft'. The logo was of an atakebune clutched in the talons of a skeletal bird. Gin put a foot on the step and pulled his foot back, and the print was clearly visible in the dust. It wasn't the best first impression, but Nami _had_ said they'd get a good deal since business had dried up.

"Money bag," Gin asked.

The carrier sagged as he handed it over. "Oh, thank you God. That was killing me."

"Have you been doing the same training as the rest of us?" his fellow tried to tease.

"Yes. Yes, I have," he answered solemnly. "Now I know how Nami-sama punches so hard she makes Captain Luffy and Zoro-sensei nervous. Those jugs must be pure muscle, I swear."

"Don't even joke, man. I don't want to catch the spillover when lightning strikes you down for an infidel," hissed one of the more impressionable nakama.

Gin snapped, regaining their attention. They'd lightened up under the new management, but he was still a strict taskmaster. "Keep an eye out in case our guide decides to narc. _Try_ and be inconspicuous. I'm going to see about ending our cohabitation with the Superhuman Domingo's and the Cocox." So saying, Gin pried open the door (complete with creak) and walked in.

It looked like an old banker's office. There was a large counter dividing the room in half. On Gin's side, there were a few chairs and nothing more. On the other side, there were filing cabinets, a few lamps, and a free-standing wall and door creating a closed-off area of the rest of the floor. Gin spotted stairs in the back corner and assumed there were living quarters above him. There was a chime bell on the counter like you saw at hotels.

Feeling like he was in one of Usopp's cheesy horror stories, Gin dinged the bell.

Gin barely detected the sound of movement and then the door opened to reveal the old Chinese guy from central casting. Yellowed skin more spotted than a toad, squinty almond eyes, wispy mustache, gleaming bald spot, braid down to his waist, hunched form making him even smaller than he already was. He lacked the cane, but his hands were hidden in the sleeves of his robes brought together. Had Gin not witnessed Zeff knock Mohmoo unconscious with a wok propelled by the wind of a kick made with his _peg leg_ , he might have dismissed the elder as harmless. Instead, he recognized the stillness of eyes that saw everything and steadiness of limbs that could move faster than thought. This was _not_ a man to mess with.

Gin tried not to obviously swallow. "Ohama, I presume."

The man did not look anywhere but straight ahead as he moved slowly but gracefully from the door to the counter. He climbed a hidden stool until he could see over the edge. Gin noticed it put the man's eyes level with his trachea. Then he spoke in a surprisingly high-pitched, nasal voice that Gin stopped himself from laughing at by the skin of his teeth (A/N: think James Hong in Mulan).

"You lost, boy?"

Gin grit his teeth. "Depends. Is this the place to get a ship that can dish out some punishment?"

Other than his mouth, not a single muscle in Ohama's face moved. "And just why do you require such a ship?"

"My crew and I are set to travel into some rather… hostile waters. I would prefer we be able to defend ourselves."

Why were his eyes still on his throat? It was very uncomfortable. "How hostile are we talking here?"

Gin smirked. "A cynical man would say we're sailing to our own graveyard."

The corner of his lip _might_ have twitched, or it could have been one of his teeth loosening. "And would you be able to find yourself on a bulletin board?"

Gin got the coded question, though why they had to talk in riddles in the man's own office he didn't understand. "Indeed. I just appeared yesterday, so I might be the first thing you see."

Finally, Ohama looked up into Gin's eyes. It was like looking at Death, if Death were doing his best to be cordial and nonthreatening. "Well, you have the balls to sail one of my works. Let's see if you've got the Beri."

As Gin reached down to haul 'Marvin' onto the counter, his hand brushed his neck and he felt his racing pulse. Wait a minute, was that old man—

"Yes, I was."

Gin jumped a little. "What?"

Ohama turned his stone-cold gaze on Gin. "You were wondering if the reason I was staring at you neck was because I was reading your pulse to see if you were lying to me. And I was. For the record, if you had, there's a reason I'm right next to the water."

Gin paused. Then his natural gallows humor took over. "No offense, but I'm starting to wonder if your lack of business can really be blamed on the Marines."

Ohama smiled. No, that's wrong. He barred his teeth. "I offer the push out of the nest. If the fledgling is strong, they shall soar. If they are weak, they shall die. It is as simple as that. But Smoker is smashing the eggs before they have a chance to even hatch. His methods are the cause, I assure you."

Gin wondered if he'd survive this transaction with control of his bowels. This guy was fucking terrifying, and possibly insane. "Fair enough."

Ohama's face returned to its flat mask and turned to inspect the sack. He didn't even touch it. "200 million in small bills. I prefer bearer bonds, but beggars cannot be choosers." The shrunken shipbuilder reached into a hidden cubby in the divider and pulled out a booklet. "For your consideration," he offered formally with both hands.

Gin took it gingerly. He opened it and found a registry of ships. Each had a photo, deck plans, and a brief description including number of cannons and sails. Gin quickly flicked through the selection, looking for something maneuverable to keep up with Merry, little for his comparatively small crew (with room for possible expansion down the line), but capable of living up to the designation of 'Demolition Corps' of the Armada.

"So, this voyage of yours," Ohama spoke up. "An expedition, is it? For an empty throne, perhaps?"

Gin couldn't tell if this was small talk or another test. Taking the better part of valor, Gin decided to be upfront. Or as upfront as he could be in the riddle-speak Ohama seemed to prefer. "An escort mission, actually. For the prince."

If that managed to surprise him, Ohama didn't show it. "I see. That's a difficult path to walk. What to you gain from this arrangement."

Gin smiled involuntarily as he thought of his Don. "The privilege of witnessing his assent, every step of the way." His face hardened. "And, if necessary, the honor of dying in his place."

The disquieting businessman shook his head. "What a limited life you have chosen. One bound by duty and obligation."

Gin threw back his head and laughed. Ohama lifted an eyebrow a quarter inch, which to the very few who knew him was the signal he'd been genuinely surprised. When Gin finally regained control of himself, he looked the man he was almost certain had survived the Grand Line right in the eye. "I see it the opposite way. I am free. For so many, their fate is beyond their control. It is decided for them by superiors and chance and their own inaction. For me, I _know_ there is no fate but that which I make for myself. I simply need the courage to want it, and the strength to let myself have it. I am _free_. And I _choose_ to be my friend's loyal shadow."

Ohama stared at Gin for a full minute. Just as the Devil-Man's bravado was about to run out, the pirate-turned-shipwright blinked. "I think," he said slowly, "that you should take a look at the D-Line." With reverence, he pulled out a thinner, _much_ more opulent booklet.

Unsure what to make of the new offer, Gin opened the book. He immediately noticed two things. First, that the ships in this book were of noticeably higher quality than those in the regular catalog. Second, most of them were crossed out with a red 'X'. In fact, Gin found, all but one of the ships was gone.

In an instant, Gin knew that _this_ was the ship for his crew. A 36-gun frigate, long and low, square-rigged for speed. She would be a sword on the ocean, slicing through the waves to unleash her broadside in a hail of destruction only to move on to the next. In and out before the enemy knew they were sinking.

Her name was the Blitz.

Gin looked up, but Ohama was already nodding. "Fate is the product of our action, but destiny is harder to understand. Take this key. Unlock the fence, let your crew through, lock it behind you. Then throw the key into the ocean."

Gin didn't have enough left in him after his speech to question the monster in human clothing. "Thank you," he said as he made to leave.

"Do not insult me," Ohama commanded firmly. "You thank a person when they perform a kindness. This is an exchange. You give me money, I give you a ship. The proper farewell is 'pleasure doing business with you'."

Gin felt cold sweat in places he didn't know had glands. "R-right. I'll remember that. Pleasure doing business with you." With the barest of decorum, Gin exited the office.

Ohama sighed as he turned the fancy booklet around. With great ceremony, he pulled out a quill and ink and crossed out the last of his greatest works to find their masters.

"How the wheel turns," he mused to himself. "Years ago, I gave Shanks the push so his master could reach my apprentice and find his true steed. Now, I give another shadow a push, so that he may reach Tom's boy and find the work that will carry them to the end." Ohama took a breath. "My time here is done. I should turn my sails to home."

Ohama paused, and turned his eye to the window, where in the far distance, you could just make out storm clouds. "But not yet. The day's surprises are not yet done."

* * *

**I'll call it there. I've kept you all waiting long enough, so I'll break the tradition of fitting the whole arc in one chapter to throw you all a bone. Plus, considering I'm only halfway through what I had planned for this arc, it all works out.**

**Yes, yes I did just pull an OC with ties to major characters out my ass. So sue me, it's my prerogative as an author. Ohama is the man who taught Tom about ships, and the one who built and provided Roger's version of Merry. His name and that of his shop is based on Ohama Kagetaka, an actual Japanese pirate (Kagetaka = Shadow Hawk). He ruled over an entire bay, but was defeated by the coalition of a shogun and admiral. Yeah, they had to team up to take him down.**

**Also, I hope the name of the Don's ship isn't too high-minded. I mean, they used to be the Krieg pirates. Now they work on the Blitz. So, blitzkrieg. A fast, brutal strike. Also, blitz being German for 'lightning' and the ship supposed to be very speedy and angular. It seemed obvious to me, but if no one gets it I'll understand.**

**So, news to me, I have a TV Tropes page! That's right, New Game Plus has gained the attention of those brilliant, cultured, nitpicky bastards! For some reason they used a + symbol, but whatever! Check it out, I do it all the time, heck it might even change now that I'm updating.**

**So, the drought is over. Hopefully you'll be more sympathetic to the pauses between updates given my, er,** _**situation** _ **. But not TOO sympathetic. I'm not milking this for pity, people. I'm just a username on a screen. I'm not soliciting sympathy point or anything. Just enough with the WHINING. Please. I know** **Once Again** **is dead, but I find that if you can't find a good story, you should write your own!**

**And, not to alienate my audience or anything, but…**


	10. Chapter 10

**For the record, I started writing this chapter 2 weeks after the last update (or the 11** **th** **for those that can't do calendar math). How long until it's actually posted is another thing altogether.**

**Let's actually close out the saga with this one, shall we?**

**P.S. Shout-out to Xomniac and** **This Bites!** **Hands down the best SI I've ever read. Though I'll always treasure** **My Life In One Piece** **by fuyutaro son for introducing me to the genre.**

**Enjoy my first double-digital chapter!**

* * *

Zoro was not an idiot.

Or rather, he knew he was not a retard. His brain was not smaller or in any way more damaged than the average person. He had no history of concussions (though one had to wonder about those 2000 times he'd blocked Kuina's bokken with his head). He hadn't gotten a very thorough education as a child, but Koshiro had made sure that he at least knew the birds and bees and how to read and count. He never applied his intelligence, but that wasn't to say he had none.

So, given that Zoro was no stupider than the next guy, why was he so often compared to or lumped in with the (pre-training-from-hell) Luffy?

First off, he was stubborn to a fault. Even if he knew he was wrong, even if he knew the odds against him were hopeless, he'd still pursue his given course of action to the death. His persistence hadn't become quite so hazardous to his health until he'd joined the crew, but it had always been there. In arguments, in daily life, in drinking contests, Zoro refused to back down. This inability to yield, in a world of compromise, marked him as a freak. And since people didn't want to admit that this kind of integrity to his beliefs was a strength they envied, they denounced it as a foolish flaw.

Second, he was simple. No, not slow, just simple. He didn't needlessly complicate his life. Who needed to know all the minutiae of politics and the balance of power? Why break down everything into ever smaller, more technical parts? What good did philosophic debate or agonizing over ethical conundrums ever do anyone? Zoro had no need for any of that. The sun rose and set. Seasons changed. Alcohol was the gateway to paradise. And a man only needed two things: his balls and his word. Other than how to swing a sword, that was basically all Zoro needed to know in life. So whenever Zoro heard and saw people all but losing their heads over pointless abstract ideas like 'government' or 'economy' or 'personal hygiene', he could only shake his head at how much stress and worry they went through for no reason.

Accordingly, since Zoro had not spent his life amassing schema regarding how the world worked like most people, he had picked up and assimilated a few things as 'fact' that simply, well, _weren't._ When it came to his health, Zoro honestly believed that if it didn't kill him, then he was okay. And all the nagging Chopper and now Kaya had ever given him over 'taking it easy' or 'keep your bandages on' was just a bunch of coddling. And clouds were just part of the 'sky', the thing above his head that changed every day. When Nami had first gotten sick from the Kestia and Zoro had been left to steer Merry, he'd just picked the cloud in front of them and tried to keep her straight. Nami raving about how clouds 'move' or 'change shape' was either the ravings of illness or some esoteric idea cobbled together from all her weather books. But 'knowledge' and 'intelligence' aren't necessarily the same thing. A child could be told all their life that the sky is green, and whenever they see that color, they would naturally associate it with 'green'. Just because the rest of the world insisted that it was blue didn't make the child dumb; it just meant they were misinformed. And really, how could anyone be really sure that everyone saw the sky as blue? Or that it truly, objectively was in fact colored blue? What is 'blue', really?

The point was that just because Zoro believed in things others didn't, it didn't automatically make him an idiot, though that was the most common conclusion.

But the third, biggest, and most obvious facet of Zoro's character that made people question whether he had two brain cells to rub together was his sense of direction.

Or his spectacular, illogical, unholy lack thereof.

The cause was unknown, and might forever remain so. Chopper had never gotten his hands on an MRI, so he never got to take a look and see if Zoro had a few wires crossed in his head. All the booze hinted at an explanation, but Zoro was sober most of the time he got lost. Plus, if he was so deep in the bottle that it had damaged his brain, he'd have other, more glaring health problems, and probably would not be fit enough to do all the insane physical acts he could. Short-term memory loss might fit the bill, but Zoro had no trouble remembering names and faces of people he just met or being aware of the world around him. Early onset Alzheimer's didn't work for the same reason. Some of the misapprehensions he'd picked up on how the whole idea of 'direction' worked (see, "North is up") were probably a factor, but Zoro failed to follow even those rules consistently.

Whether it was any of these things and their possible combinations, something not thought of, or simply divine will, the ultimate observable phenomenon was that Zoro could get lost following someone down a clear straight road.

So there you have it. Zoro was not an idiot in the classical sense, being capable of a perfectly average amount of logical reasoning, but he _was_ a bull charging "forward" without knowing or particularly caring why. Thus, barring an extensive argument over semantics, Zoro was, for all intents and purposes, an idiot.

A dumb-ass, a goober, slack-jawed, a pud-whack, witless as the day was long…

You get the idea.

And as much as Zoro himself would like to dispute this, his current circumstances didn't exactly help his case.

It was ridiculous really. He had Observation. He knew what her aura felt like, albeit with about two and a half more years of growing. His range was such that he could sense half the city without too much strain. He had ACTIVELY SET OUT not to run into her!

So why, for the love of all things great and small, was he watching one Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi cut down two indignant pirates with more balls than brains?

Were Zoro not a staunch apatheist, he might think someone up there had it in for him.

The as-yet-unacknowledged greatest swordsman on the planet heaved a sigh as he watched the ditzy girl trip trying to come out of her stance. And lo and behold, her glasses slid along the ground only to come to a stop against his boot. He might not believe in gods, but he was suddenly open to the idea of ghosts. He could practically hear Kuina and her cocky, mocking drawl. _'Hmph, a boy afraid of a girl? How pathetic. The strongest in the world, and still so weak.'_

Zoro grit his teeth. He wasn't _afraid_ of the Marine girl. She just evoked a big complicated knot of emotions every time he saw her face or heard her speak. And while Zoro would literally rather die than back down in combat, 'feelings' were another thing entirely. Like most men, he adopted a 'why confront something when you can avoid it' attitude to any problem that required inner reflection or tackling psychological hang-ups. He'd planned on never seeing the woman at all. Or if he had to, without that whole 'you lied to me' thing that led to her swearing a vendetta against him.

But it seemed that just wasn't meant to be.

He _could_ have just slipped away before she put on her glasses, but that would be too much like running away. Now that he was there, he might as well face it head-on.

So he reached down, picked up the corrective eyewear, and held them out to the woman patting the ground like a brainy college kid who'd read too many mystery novels. "Here," he grumbled out.

"Oh!" Tashigi grabbed at the tan blur and felt hard plastic. She slipped the frames over her eyes in a motion all but reflex at this point, sighing with relief as clarity returned to her. She looked up to see whoever got off their ass and helped her instead of just watching her flail. "Thank you very—"

Tashigi's words died in her throat.

Her first, wild thought was that it was some kind of mask. The kind kids use to scare each other on Halloween. But then the mouth frowned and the eyes narrowed, and Tashigi realized that it was really the man's face. His horrifically scared face. More lines than she could count riddled the surface, clearly the work of a knife or some other kind of blade. The most obvious was the one that went from the curve of his left cheek all the way up to the temple, coming within millimeters of nicking the eye along the way. At least five lesser cuts crossed paths with it, and about a dozen minor ones. Her view was blocked by a wide-brimmed hat, but it looked like a couple of the larger cuts even went into his hair line, leaving harsh paths of scar tissue that stopped seemingly natural green bristles from growing ever again. But cuts weren't the only damage, oh no. A jagged puncture wound stood out on his right cheek, as if he'd been shot or stabbed and the knife twisted. A good chunk of his nose was just _gone_ , as if he'd been in a guillotine and moved back a few inches. Burns stood out around his mouth and jaw, like he'd tried to kiss a fire.

Tashigi's eyes tracked down, and saw just as much damage on his arms and the part of his chest exposed by his robes. It was like a kaleidoscope of pain, a tapestry of suffering. This was a man who had been to Hell and back.

Tashigi felt her gorge rise. This was _wrong_. Something about all those wounds, that destroyed flesh, sent the sound of sandpaper across a chalkboard through her mind. Her intellectual side promptly told her that she should feel nothing but horror and sympathy for one who'd gone through such torture. But something deep down, in the part that was still just a hairless ape banging stones and trying to survive, screamed _dangerdangerattackhideRUN!_ It _looked_ like a man, but it couldn't be. _No one_ could endure all that and live. Whatever this thing was, it was not human. So it must be a threat, and threats must be dealt with or YOU. WILL. DIE!

And the scariest part? All of the scars, every single one, was pink, fresh, not fully healed. Whatever the bloody blue hell had happened to this creature, it had happened recently _and all at once_.

And then it spoke, and the illusion shattered.

"Your stance is too tight. Widen your legs, keep your elbows relaxed, and don't hunch your shoulders."

Tashigi was shocked at how _normal_ he sounded. Despite the _ruin_ he had become, his vocal chords seemed unaffected.

Then the words actually processed, and Tashigi's jaw dropped. What? What right did he have to critique her technique? How did have the gall to just walk up to her and tell her how to wield a blade?

But he had already turned and started to walk away.

Tashigi got to her feet and chased after the man. She didn't bother to call in the incident with the two ne'er-do-wells. With patrols so high after Vice-Admiral Garp arrived and promptly took over Captain Smoker's command, they'd be noticed and picked up within ten minutes. She came within striking distance of him before calling "Excuse me!" in the tone she used for newbie grunts that thought they could boss her around given her gender, never mind the fact she was the highest enlisted rank there was.

The man paused and looked over his shoulder. Even just a fraction of his face was enough to provoke reflexive repulsion. But Tashigi swallowed her distaste and spoke. "Why did you say that to me?"

The man raised what used to be his right eyebrow, but was now more a raised ridge of fibrous tissue with a few stray hairs. "I don't read the news. Is it now illegal to offer someone advice?"

Tashigi bristled. There was nothing really condescending in his tone, but the total calm in the face of a fairly pissed military officer implied he didn't see her as a threat. Body language could be as demeaning as words. "And who are you to criticize my swordplay?" she challenged.

He turned around to face her fully. As he did, Tashigi belatedly realized he was armed. Three different katana hung at his right hip. He laid a hand on their hilts, not overtly threatening, more like a reassuring habit. "I know a thing or two."

Were Tashigi not mentally reviewing her Named Blade index, she might have been overanalyzing how his tone was more understated humility, not pedantic mocking. "Wado Ichimonji… Yubashiri… Sandai Kitetsu!" Tashigi could barely restrain herself from grabbing them from the man and drawing them to see the beautiful blades hidden by the scabbards. Though that probably wouldn't be the safest course of action. Then her natural Marine suspicion kicked in. "How did you get your hands on three Named Blades?"

The man narrowed his eyes. "I didn't steal them, if that's what you're asking. Wado was given to me by my sensei. Yubashiri and Sandai were gifts from a salesman."

Tashigi narrowed her eyes. "The Sandai Kitetsu alone is worth a million Beri. You expect me to believe he just 'gave' them to you?"

The walking haunted house prop shrugged. "He said meeting a true swordsman was payment enough. You can ask him if you want. I believe he's the one you left Shigure with."

The marine woman felt her stomach drop. "How did you know that? Have you been following me?" Tashigi felt her ire rise, along with a shadow of that fear she'd had since she was twelve and realized she lived in a world filled with people taller, stronger, and bigger than her that saw her as nothing but an object.

The man gave her a smile that he might have meant to be reassuring, but the effect was quite the opposite. "Like I said, I know a thing or two."

Tashigi shelved that for a later date. "We've gotten off topic. What made you walk up to me and criticize me like that?" The chip in her shoulder flared up. "What, you think that just because I'm a woman that I'm a worse swordsman than you?"

The man scoffed at her. _Scoffed_. She reminded herself that Marines do not attack civilians, but his next words shocked her to her core. "Your gender has nothing to do with it. Your stance was too tight. I would take issue with anyone not swinging a sword properly. If you're going to call yourself a swordsman, you should do it right. That goes for every man, woman, child, or beast that picks up a blade."

Tashigi realized her jaw was hanging. She closed her mouth with a snap, which was about all her brain could handle at the moment. She was so accustomed to sexism that its lack threw her off. "Oh," she managed.

"If that's all, I'll be on my way." He turned to go.

Tashigi gathered herself. "Wait!" The man paused, and Tashigi fought to keep her stature from becoming _too_ sheepish. "I want to apologize. I misjudged you and overreacted. There's a lot of people who look down on swordswomen, and I've taken to assuming the worst. I shouldn't have accosted you like that." Tashigi gulped. "Oh my, and I haven't even properly introduced myself. I am Tashigi, Master Chief Petty Officer of the Loguetown Marine Base." She bowed and held out her hand.

The man's eyes were blank and unreadable for a few seconds. Then he held out his own hand. "Roronoa Zoro."

Tashigi expected to feel disgust when her skin met his, but his palm seemed mostly untouched. Rough from calluses, but nothing out of the ordinary. It was also pleasantly warm. His name rang a bell just as she pulled away. "Oh, so you're _that_ Roronoa Zoro? The bounty hunter who uses three swords at once?"

The man grinned nicely, but his eyes remained guarded. She couldn't really blame him. Marines and bounty hunters had an uneasy relationship at the best of times. One could argue the whole point of wanted posters was to get bounty hunters to try to do what Marines couldn't, and some Marines took issue with the implication they couldn't do their job. Plus, she hadn't done the best job hiding the occasional wince or grimace as her eye noticed some new flaw in his visage.

"I'm actually out of the bounty hunting business."

Tashigi smiled brightly. "Oh, that's good! It's a dangerous business," she said, pointedly eyeing his scars. "You'll be much better off with some honest work." She hesitated, but decided she'd already put her foot in her mouth and might as well continue. "It's also a good thing for your swords. It's a shame that such works of art be used for petty violence." She clutched the loaner she'd gotten from Ippon-Matsu to her breast. "The 12 Superior Works, the 21 Great Works, and the 50 Good Works. It disturbs me to my bones that so many of those fine blades are in the hands of pirates and bounty hunters. Why must the world be so cruel to them? The swords are crying. That's why I have sworn to not rest until every Named Blade is out of the hands of evil people!"

Zoro shrugged. "Well, 'evil' is a strong word. You can't blame people for their circumstances, or using what tools they have."

"It's a disgrace! Things of beauty twisted into instruments of destruction. A sword should only ever be raised to keep the peace! Instead, they're used to perpetuate the cycle of violence that has gripped our world."

"I actually think it's a good thing."

Tashigi gaped at him in disbelief. Zoro shrugged and elaborated. "I agree with you that swords are beautiful, even artistic treasures. But they are inherently weapons, forged to cause harm. Hoarding them to hang them up on some wall is not honoring them, it's disrespecting them. A blade can only sing in the midst of battle, clashing against its brothers and sisters. So it's for the best that so many are handled by pirates. There's no other profession with so many chances to find yourself in a fight for your very survival." Zoro then grinned. "Besides, last I checked, the World's Best Swordsman was a pirate. Are you saying he's doing swords a disservice?"

Tashigi swallowed the angry words that welled up in her throat. "Well, let's just agree to disagree. I'll respect your opinion, no matter how much I disagree with it." Tashigi frowned. "But if you truly believe that it's the duty of swordsman to use them in combat, why would you quit being a bounty hunter?" She blinked as she realized the most obvious possibility. "Does it have to do with what caused… that?"

"What exactly?" he asked. Tashigi grit her teeth. Were it not for the guileless way he said it, she would think he was teasing her.

"Your… scars."

"Oh." He actually chuckled. "No, not at all."

Tashigi felt her eye twitch. He seemed awfully nonchalant about whatever torture had marked him for life. "Then why?"

Zoro smirked. "Well, it's kind of hard to be a pirate and a bounty hunter at the same time. I'd be arrested every time I tried to turn in a bounty. So I decided to become a full-time pirate."

"Oh, that makes sense… I… guess?" Tashigi trailed off, the frightening reality of his words sinking in.

Time froze.

"W-w-what?" Tashigi stammered.

The man in front of her was…

Roronoa Zoro tipped his hat to her. "Nice to meet you, Tashigi. Remember to open up your form a little."

Tashigi felt ice fill her heart. He'd _toyed_ with her. Come Hell or high water, HE. WOULD. PAY.

Tashigi moved to draw her blade, but before an inch had left the sheathe, the filthy _pirate_ had swung his arm and somehow kicked up a stiff wind. By the time she had blinked the dust from her eyes, he was gone.

* * *

Usopp hummed to himself as he browsed the contents of the junk shop. "Sogeki no shima de~ umareta ore wa..."

This was the fourth such shop he'd scoured that day. He'd spent much less time at Love Love Pirates than he had in the original timeline. He'd realized by Arabasta that most of the stuff was total junk. There were one or two hidden jewels in there though, so he'd endured the presence of that super creepy salesman. How he hadn't feared he wouldn't leave the shop without being raped last time was beyond him. There was only so much youthful ignorance and enthusiasm could mask. The man made his skin crawl for the full six minutes he'd been in the shop.

From there he'd gone to a pawn shop, and from there to a novelty shop, and now he was in what was basically an indoor junkyard. The owner hadn't made any attempt to organize his stock, basically throwing it all into a giant pile in the storeroom. Usopp could have been stepping on gold jewelry for all he knew as he waded through the morass.

"Um, Usopp-sama? What exactly are we looking for?" Larry asked. He and the other two stooges had been designated leaders of the group of Buggy pirates assigned to run all of Usopp's purchases back to the ships. Moe and Shemp's groups had already been sent off with bags upon bags of whozits and whatzits. So far as Larry could see, there was no rhyme or reason to the collection of doohickeys, but who was he to question the genius who had made Captain Buggy a living weapon?

The sniper and tinkerer extraordinaire as jerked from his self-aggrandizing tune. "Anything that looks like it has lots of moving parts, accomplishes some unique function, or has some hidden purpose. Anything _interesting_ , really."

Larry nodded, not really understanding. "Right. And just what are you going to do with all this… stuff?" That was really the only noun that encompassed all the miscellanea that had met Usopp's approval.

Usopp grinned, and Larry suddenly understood how the man wasn't fazed by Kaya-sama when she had a 'moment'. He was an even bigger crazy than she was. That glint in his eye should come with a government health warning. That was probably one of the cornerstones of their love, actually. Complimentary insanities. "Make you mooks into an army worthy of the Grand Line, of course."

"I s-s-see," Larry managed. He lifted a cuckoo clock to find a kind of Matryoshka doll of wicker baskets, all nestled within each other. "Pardon my asking, but if you wanted to arm us, shouldn't we have gone to an armory or weapon shop?"

Usopp rolled his eyes. "You guys already have enough of those things. Besides, they're so _ordinary_." Usopp pushed out his tongue like he was trying to get rid of a bad taste. "Everyone knows what to expect from a gun or a sword. I want to make things that are _unique_ , that no one has ever seen. Ergo, things they don't know how to deal with. By the time I'm done, every single one of you will have more gadgets and gizmos than a billionaire vigilante with a flair for theatricality and some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And the captains and officers will possess apparatus of such awesome power they'll go down in legend." Usopp paused. "The apparatus, not the people. Who cares about those guys? They're just vehicles for my awesome creations."

Usopp cocked his head. _'Huh. I'm starting to sound like that Vegapunk bastard. Is Kaya becoming a bad influence on me?'_ Usopp was suddenly seized by a feeling of bone-chilling terror and absolute judgment.

'… _Mistress, I am sorry for my sins because I have offended you. I know I should love you above all things. Help me to do penance, to do better, and to avoid anything that might lead me to sin. Amen.'_

The feeling went away.

Usopp sighed. "I'm going to pay for that later." A dopey grin covered his face as thoughts so explicit and obscene that to describe them would result in this chronicle's deletion filled his head. "Not that that's a _bad_ thing, hehe." Odd as his nose was, it bled the same as any red-blooded male's.

"Usopp-sama! I think I found something."

Usopp shook himself out of fantasies of his utter boss of a girlfriend. He turned to see what Larry was talking about, only for his jaw to drop to his chest, retract a little, then dislocate to reach his shoes.

Larry cleared some of the debris hanging from his find. "Damn, I didn't even know they came this big.

Drool started to spread in a puddle across the floor.

"This rig doesn't seem standard. You think it's old and that's why it's in here?"

Stars began to float and twinkle in the air.

"I mean, it's weird, but I don't think it would actually be very practical."

"Larry," Usopp cut in. "If I wasn't under standing orders not to do so with anyone else unless Kaya was there to watch, I'd kiss you."

"What?" Larry asked, turning only to be shocked at the clear signs of Usopp's amazement. "What's going on here?"

"You brilliant, lucky bastard," Usopp breathed, not taking his eyes off the gift from the gods. "Do you have any idea just how unbelievable a discovery this is?"

"Um, no. That's why I asked. Why, what is this thing?"

Usopp turned his head away from the optimum viewing angle of the marvel to look Larry in the eye. Judging by the creaking of his neck, it was difficult. "That, my friend," Usopp said, manic glee in every inch of his face, "Is a Queen Den Den Mushi."

Usopp took only long enough to see Larry realize the enormity of this event. Then he went right back to ogling the newfound treasure. A snail as tall as he was, it's shell appearing to be uniform grey at a distance, but up close was revealed to be a million shades of green, blues, reds, browns, and purples blended together so finely that it was hard to tell where one shade ended and another began. On the side of its shell, instead of the usual rotary button rig, was a collection of knobs and slides. The transceiver that stuck up from its other side was not a standard antenna, but a dish with four prongs holding up a cylinder. A small latch door was set on the rear of its shell. The slug itself seemed curled up in its shell, but Usopp knew that it would be the softest shade of pink.

Queen Den Den Mushi were the pinnacle of both modern communications technology and the snail hierarchy. 'Queen' was a misnomer, since it wasn't female, but hermaphroditic. Each one was capable of reproducing with itself, producing every single breed of Den Den Mushi there was. It maintained a telepathic link with every snail it ever made. And if those snails should reproduce on their own, it would be linked to their offspring, and so on ad infinitum. To have a Queen was to have access to an unparalleled network of information. Their appeal was also in their rarity. There was estimated to be less than a hundred Queens in the whole world. The reason was because they could only produce another Queen at the end of their natural lifespan, and the newborn Queens would usually bond with the first creature to give them food. This is why they couldn't just be stolen; they would actively rebel against anyone they didn't like trying to use them. Most every Den Den Mushi was passive and willing to work with anyone, but Queens were made of stronger stuff. And the rigs humanity had developed just tapped into their natural telepathic abilities, they weren't mind control machines. Queens were invaluable tools, jealously guarded by their owners. Last Usopp heard, most of them were in the hands of the Marines and World Government, with maybe half a dozen belonging to major international corporations. And given how well-organized they were and their ability to evade Government capture, it was speculated that the Revolutionary Army had at least one.

In short, a Queen Den Den Mushi was worth its weight in platinum and 10-carat diamonds. And Usopp was looking at one in a rinky-dink Ma-and-Pop junk store tucked into a Loguetown alley.

Miracles _do_ happen.

Usopp wasn't particularly worried about it not liking them. If Luffy could tame rogue Sea Kings with a look, he should have no problem with what was possibly the friendliest species on the planet.

Usopp leaped over the detritus in his way to stand beside the Armada's new best friend. He tapped lightly on the shell with his knuckles. "Hey. Hey, beautiful. Why don't you come out, huh? I want to get a look at you. Please? Pretty please?"

Usopp heard a faint hum. Then, with a sort of _schlock_ sound like pulling a plunger out of a clogged toilet, the creature within the shell emerged.

Usopp felt his stomach drop.

She was in bad shape. Her skin was wrinkled and spotted and so _dry_. Her tongue hung out of her mouth, wagging with the wind, looking for some kind of moisture or food but too weak to find any. Her eyes sagged on their stalks, bloodshot and unseeing. Her breathing was heavy and wheezing, like each inhale and exhale was a struggle. She was obviously starving and dehydrated, maybe sick if the white film on her tongue meant anything.

The sniper's blood began to boil. He wouldn't describe himself as an animal lover. And most people saw Den Den Mushi as little more than bugs or an appliance no different than the refrigerator. But it was impossible to spend any appreciable amount of time around Gaimon and not learn to appreciate that humans were far from the only significant form of life on the planet. This was a living creature, deprived of its basic needs and in pain. It was cruelty, plain and simple.

Usopp's face hardened. "Larry, give her your water. Slowly, don't want to overwork her. I'm going to have a… word with the shopkeeper."

Larry nodded silently. He'd yet to see Usopp actually fight anyone seriously, but the way he could stand unashamed next to Captain Luffy and Zoro-sensei told him all he needed to know. He almost felt sorry for the owner. Then he looked at the Queen again, and his lips thinned.

Almost.

Larry uncorked his canteen and tilted it just so that it dripped slowly into her gaping mouth. She coughed whenever she tried to swallow more than a sip's worth, but slowly and steadily she got the precious necessity of life. As he did this, patting her on her disturbingly slimeless head, Larry listened to the confrontation happening on the other side of the wall in the shop proper. He didn't need to try too hard. Usopp seemed to have temporarily reached Nami-in-a-temper levels of volume.

" _WHAT EXCUSE DO YOU HAVE FOR THE HORRIBLE CONDITION OF THAT POOR CREATURE IN THERE?!_ "

"Blah blah, blah, blah blah blah blah."

" _YOU FORGOT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST PRECIOUS LIFEFORMS IN THE WORLD IN THERE! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN WENT BACK THERE?_ "

"Blah, blah blah blah."

" _YES I WANT TO BUY IT, YOU IDIOT! THOUGH AT THIS POINT I SEE IT MORE AS A RESCUE!"_

"Blah blah blah blah, blah?

" _ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS? SHE'S SICK AND DYING! LIKE HELL I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT MUCH FOR HER! FOR ALL I KNOW SHE COULD KICK IT BEFORE WE GOT HER TO MY SHIP!"_

"Blah, blah blah blah –"

" _ **YES I KNOW WHAT 'CAVEAT EMPTOR' MEANS, YOU LOWLIFE LIAR!**_ "

"Blah blah."

" _OH, SO IT'S LIKE THAT, IS IT? WELL IT BEHOOVES ME TO REMIND YOU THAT ABUSE OF A TYPE 'B' CREATURE IS PUNISHABLE BY UP TO 2 YEARS IN JAIL AND/OR A 25 MILLION BERI FINE! SO SHOULD I JUST TAKE THIS TO THE RELEVANT ATHORITIES OR ARE YOU GOING TO STOP BUSTING MY BALLS ON THIS?_ "

"… Blah?"

" _Glad we could come to an understanding._ "

Usopp reentered the storeroom, backed by the rest of the Buggy crew. "She's over there, boys," he pointed, perfectly jovial and convivial. His voice wasn't even raspy.

Larry shook his head. The Straw Hat crew were something else.

It took a few minutes of shoving to clear a path, unheeding of the sound of breaking glass or crumbling metal. It was a challenge to work out how to lift her, but Usopp managed to coax her to retreat into her shell. The unmistakable expression of fear on her face as she did, like she didn't know if she would come back out, put steel in all their spines. They each shot the owner a nasty glare as they hauled the half ton of gastropod out of there.

Larry hid a grimace. The Buggy crew had been training the longest, but this thing was still freaking heavy. "You coming with us, Usopp-sama?"

The man shook his head. "I ordered a shipment of chemicals before I left Gecko. It should have arrived by now. I'm going to pick it up and drop it off before making for the square."

Larry frowned. "The merchant docks are on the other side of town. You sure you'll make it in time."

Usopp raised a brow as if to say 'really?' "1000 Beri says I'll beat you guys to the ships."

Larry remembered just WHO he was talking to. He'd seen Sanji, with legs of titanium, go from one end of the Merry to the other in the time it took to blink. And he'd heard the man admit that Usopp was probably faster than him in a pinch. "No bet."

Usopp grinned, and vanished.

* * *

Sanji sucked deeply on his cigarette. A full inch of the roll turned into ash. Out of courtesy, for he was a gentleman above all, he took it out and tapped the burnt tobacco off onto the street so as to not risk any getting on the merchandise in front of him. He focused and blew the resultant smoke out through his nostrils, appreciating the burn in his sinuses. Then he put the smoldering stick back in his mouth and locked it in place with a quick maneuver of his tongue.

"Let's go over this one more time," Sanji bit out, holding back the urge to introduce his heel to the fishmonger's skull. "You're selling these fish at 800 Beri per pound. But you have a deal where 20 pounds go for 15000. You have 99 pounds of fish here. Instead of just letting me round up and give you 75 thousand for 100 pounds, you want me to pay 60 thousand for 80 pounds and then 15,200 for nineteen pounds piecemeal, for a total of 75,200 Beri."

"That's correct, sir," said the flat-faced man before him.

Sanji took a drag down to the filter. "It's 200 Beri, man. That's, what, one extra beer at the bar tonight?"

The man smirked. "If it's such an insignificant amount, why bother holding out on me?"

Sanji resisted the urge to chew the butt. That would be a bad habit on top of a bad habit. To resist temptation, he pulled out a silver canister and deposited it to join the other corpses of the cigarettes he'd smoked that day. One thing living out at sea taught you was to use every resource. He'd grind them up into mulch for Nami-swan's tangerines later.

"You know, you're hardly the only stall here," Sanji bluffed, gesturing around at the bustling fish market.

The man shrugged. "Then go buy from someone else." But there was a taunting tilt to his eyebrows. "Though I doubt they'll have adolescent East Mackerel."

Sanji grit his teeth. East Mackerel was a notoriously fickle fish. In youth, it had a delicate texture and full flavor, but once adult it toughened up and lost most of its potency. The trick was to get them just before they reached maturity, when they were the biggest size and still retained their taste. They would make a good celebration dish, suitable for, say, surviving Reverse Mountain and reaching the Grand Line. But Sanji's pride as a haggler refused to cave.

He tried a different tack. "Are you sure you weighed them right? Some of these seem awful big. You positive it's not an even hundred?"

The man laughed. "Actually, it's 98.973, but I decided to be nice and round up."

Sanji _felt_ his eye start to twitch. "You're really not bending on this? It's just two coins."

The man matched his stare without blinking. "75,200 Beri. Take it or leave it."

A beat. Two. A temple vein pulsed.

"Fine, penny pincher." Sanji counted out the bills and dug into his wallet to find two 100 Beri coins. The man grinned and put them into his lockbox while Sanji asserted his authority as personal chef to the future Pirate King to make two Baratie cooks behind him heft up the fish and pack them into bags of ice.

They had already gotten meat, flour, spices, and other essentials. Now the Baratie crew had come to the Loguetown Fish Market, revered for its variety and quality. Zeff and Sanji obviously didn't have to carry anything, which left the burden of carrying enough supplies to feed a small army to the cooks. Zeff had cut off their whining by decreeing the whole thing an exercise. If their legs so much as wobbled, they would get a double shift on the pedals.

Sanji maneuvered through the crowd to stand beside his adoptive father. He was definitely a better one than his _real_ one. Sanji shot down the thought and tucked it into the little black box that was his early childhood. He was _not_ the third son of the Vinsmoke Family. He was just a chef on the greatest pirate crew in the world.

Much as it vexed him at the time, it was probably for the best his bounty poster was just a sketch. His 'family' might recognize him if they saw him, never mind that they hadn't seen him since he could count his age on his fingers. Though Sanji had never seen his updated bounty poster before The Ambush, so maybe they finally got a photo. Which might have brought up a few issues, since they were _in_ the New World at the time.

Sanji sighed. The whole period right before they'd been thrust into the past was a real mess. When Sanji and his group had ignored Luffy's order to go on to Zou, shit had gone DOWN. They'd managed to survive the encounter with Big Mom's ship by the skin of their teeth, but Caesar had been kidnapped in the confusion. Law had been _pissed_ when he found out, and he'd declared the Alliance officially over. Luffy, torn up over losing a friend but unwilling to blame his nakama, had decided they should quietly sail away in the night instead of sticking around to revel in Dressrosa's liberation. And two weeks later, they were in the past.

Sanji shook himself out of moping. That time was over. Now was the time of the Armada.

The blond focused on what Zeff and Myassa were arguing over.

"I know it's your favorite snack, but you can't deny it's an acquired taste," Zeff said in the tone of one trying to explain to a child why they couldn't have their favorite toy.

"Is essential to life on sea. Puts salt in blood. Besides, helps potency. Very important," the brawler turned commis argued.

Zeff fiddled with the end of his mustache. He turned to Sanji. "Oi, eggplant. Would that captain of yours eat pickled herring?"

Sanji snorted. "I've seen him eat wax paper. It's all the same to him, really. Why?"

Zeff hooked his thumb at the man carrying two full haunches of beef on his shoulders without complaint. "Cause this idiot is insisting we get some, and I'm getting tired of arguing. If the wannabe king eats it, the rest of those brats will eat it without complaint."

Sanji sighed. "Look, Myassa, if you want to buy a little to make for yourself, that's fine. But it's a serious diuretic, and the men are already training twice a day. We only have so much clean water, let's not increase the demand, okay?"

If it were possible for a hardened thug to pout, Myassa accomplished it. "But I already bought vodka!" he protested.

The chef and his former sous exchanged hidden grins. "Oh, I don't think that'll go to waste," Zeff consoled.

Their attention was grabbed forcibly by the outraged shout of Patty. "You call this fresh-caught? I know for a fact this fish is only found in West Blue! Stop trying to push this shipped-in crap and show me some honest East Blue stock!"

Zeff sighed. "It's like herding howler monkeys, I swear," he muttered to himself as he went to do damage control, Sanji tagging along.

They found Patty arguing with a man twice his size, with a far friendlier expression than the cook had at the moment. "An-chan, I assure you, these were caught off the coast just this morning."

"Do I look like an idiot?" Patty held up a green fish with a wide jaw. "This is West Grouper, don't try to deny it! It's from the other side of the world, not local waters!"

"What you fail to appreciate, you miserable excuse for a cook," Sanji spoke up, "Is the unique nature of Loguetown. It's right by the Grand Line, where all the rules go out the window. These fish probably got caught in a deep ocean current, pulled through one of the holes in the Red Line, and wound up here."

Patty turned and snarled. "Stop talking out your ass, kid. It doesn't work like that."

"Actually, that sounds about right," Zeff stated. Patty turned to regard his boss in horror. "If you paid attention to what your eyes were telling you instead of what your mind thinks is true, you'd see that these fish were swimming just this morning. There's no signs of being shipped or packaged at all. As one of _my_ cooks, I thought you would be able to assess the quality of your ingredients."

"Um, well, Owner Zeff, you see…" the man floundered.

Zeff ducked his head sharply to bonk him on the head with his hat. "You need to open up your mind a little, Patty, or you'll be in for a serious shock once we get to the Grand Line. Now say sorry to the nice man and pay for the fresh-caught West Blue fish."

Hanging his head and grumbling under his breath, Patty paid the perpetually smiling fisherman.

"It's things like this that prove All Blue isn't just a myth," Sanji said to Zeff.

The New World veteran turned to leer at his apprentice. "There's nothing wrong with being optimistic, but a few scattered schools in the wrong ocean are hardly proof that a place where every fish can be found is possible."

Sanji grinned conspiratorially as he lit a fresh cigarette. "Let me tell you my theory," he began. "Reverse Mountain is the key to All Blue. Waters from all four seas rushing towards and commingling at one point. Naturally, those waters carry fish with them. When the reach the peak, what happens to them? They don't go down the route into Paradise, or else All Blue would be around the Twin Capes and hardly a fairy tale." Sanji turned to face the distance "No, I think they fall over the other side. Into the New World. And before you say they couldn't survive the fall, it's not like the canals are the _only_ breaches in the Red Line. Fishman Island is proof of that. There must be tunnels below the surface, simple erosion would explain that. And if they should let out on the other side of the mountain…"

Zeff felt his eyes widen without his conscious command. An old hope, weathered and beaten by age, fluttered with new life. "Then that would mean…"

"All Blue is around Raftel," Sanji asserted with confidence. "Or at least near the end of the New World. Given how few survive to see that far, it's no surprise that only a handful of people would have found All Blue. Just a story, told through the ages until it was mere legend." Sanji turned to look at his mentor, his eyes alight with childish excitement. "It makes sense, doesn't it? So it's just as well you're catering for the future Pirate King, shitty old man. You're riding shotgun towards your dream." Sanji blew out a cloud, which through some secret known only to chronic smokers was shaped like a fish. "It it's not there, I'll have to scour the world to find it. Which works out, since Nami-swan's dream is to draw a map of the world."

Zeff raised a brow. He was used to seeing a nosebleed or at least a perverted gleam to the eye whenever Sanji so much as thought about a woman. When he mentioned the navigator, his cheeks went pink and his face just seemed… happier.

"You sweet on her? More so than you are for every woman you see, I mean," Zeff asked offhand. Not like he really cared about the eggplant's love life. But the same rules applied regarding his kitchen, whether he was with the straw hat boy or the thief girl.

Sanji looked away. "My heart belongs to every lady in the world. As such, I can never promise to be loyal to any of them. And no lady deserves any less than a man completely and utterly devoted to her. So I shall settle for being but a passing knight, chivalrous and kind, a slave to all, and so traitorous to none."

Zeff snorted. "A fancy way of saying you're a letch afraid to commit."

Sanji sighed. "I'm not denying my faults. I'm acknowledging them. I'm weak to the wiles of women, this I know. I could never be sure I would resist temptation, no matter how sincere my affections for one special lady. So best that I stick to bachelorhood. The only heart at risk of being broken in that case is my own."

Zeff scratched his lip. His mustache could get rather sweaty at times. "Whatever, brat. It's your life."

Sanji nodded. Then he called out without looking "Carne! You find what I asked for?"

The sunglasses aficionado walked up to Sanji, staggering under the weight of a colossal fish balanced precariously over his shoulder, along with three bags of other supplies. "I couldn't believe it, but you were right! They did have a Blue-finned Elephant Tuna! Never thought I'd get to see one of these in real life."

Sanji grinned, then looked up at the sky. It was clear and sunny, but there was a gathering breeze. Some far off white clouds seemed to be picking up speed. "Treat her like a lady, you hear me? And get ready for a hasty exit when you get back to the ships. After Luffy gets done at the execution platform, things might get a little frantic."

And just like that, Sanji vanished. Were one to have a high powered magnifying glass on hand, they might have noticed ten tiny dents in the concrete he had just been standing on.

Carne gaped. "How does he _do_ that?"

Zeff narrowed his eyes. "I'm beginning to ask myself the same thing."

* * *

Luffy stood tall and proud, simply taking in the beauty of the scene.

It was here in this exact spot that, 22 years ago, Gol D. Roger had died by the sword before his disease could finish him off. Luffy could respect that. If one had to die, best to do it on your own terms, rather than from the whim of some invisible germ or defect of your body.

He pointedly ignored the part of his mind that was gibbering that he could just as easily meet his own end here today.

After all, death would be an awfully big adventure.

Luffy breathed deep, taking in the sight of Loguetown spread out before him. His mind felt clear for the first time in hours, now that he wasn't masking his aura/presence/voice/whatever anymore. Now it was just a matter of time until Gramps found him. And when he did, he'd enact his plan.

Luffy looked down into the crowd, hoping there wouldn't be any 'collateral damage'. Gramps was a Marine and duty-bound to protect civilians, but he might forget little things like that in the heat of anger. The pirate spotted a familiar head of green, though, and his fears were allayed.

It had been quite refreshing to talk to Bartolomeo without him falling down in worship at his every word.

_(Flashback)_

_Luffy looked both ways before he crossed the street. With all his Observation turned inward, he wouldn't sense his Gramps if he were just around the corner. Seeing no one, Luffy moved forward to knock on an unassuming door._

_A slide at eye-level opened. "What do you want?" came a gruff voice._

_Luffy flipped the mental switch to go into 'Captain' mode. Gramps had always stressed the importance of attitude and bearing when entering a meeting. "I want to talk to your Boss," he answered._

" _And why should he waste his time on you?"_

_Luffy cocked his brow. "You read the newspaper yesterday?"_

_Luffy distinctly heard a gulp._

_The slide closed. Luffy tried not to let his nervousness show. The longer he stood here, the higher the chances a passing Marine would spot him. Given he'd seen at least five different people interrogated just for wearing a hat made of straw, no matter how little they looked like him (one of them had been_ black _), Luffy didn't want to take any chances._

_The door opened, revealing a bald man bulked up to the point it was obscene. Luffy wasn't impressed. That kind of muscle was mostly for show. Even if they were as strong as the size implied, their joints and full-body coordination surely suffered from the isolating exercises that made them that way. Luffy would have been surprised it this guy could touch his toes. And not surprised at all if he could break him over his knee without even trying._

" _The Boss will see you."_

_Luffy nodded and walked in, the door closing behind him._

_Luffy walked through a house with each room filled with goons. All of them eyed him warily. He ignored their mutterings. He wasn't here to start a fight. If they didn't start anything, nothing would happen._

_Luffy reached another door. The bald bodybuilder knocked, and Luffy heard a sharp "Come in!" The bald guy opened the door and ushered Luffy in, then followed and closed it behind him. He crossed his arms and stood menacingly in front of the only exit. Or at least the only obvious one. There was always the wall._

_Luffy regarded the man who in another life was his biggest fan. Green hair growing wild and untamed. No eyebrows, eye tattoos. Fur-lined jacket open over a leonine torso bearing another tattoo. And, most noticeable, a big gold ring through his septum. He was sitting in a swivel chair behind an oak desk, both probably stolen. Luffy decided to be polite and pretend not to notice the cold sweat that broke out the moment he entered the room._

_Luffy nodded. "Bartolomeo, right?" He made an effort to say his name right. He had a feeling this version wouldn't be as cool with being called 'Fart'._

_The mafia leader nodded. "And the infamous Monkey D. Luffy, I presume? Surprised to see you here. How'd you find this place?"_

_Luffy shrugged. "That guy you sent to collect protection money from the deli? Good at dodging patrols, not so much at looking for tails. Let me right to you."_

_Bartolomeo grit his teeth. "I'll keep that in mind." Then he barred his fangs in a smile that would intimidate weaker men. "Figured a guy good enough to get that high a price would be smart enough to not dock on an island fill to bursting with Marines."_

" _Surprised an operation like yours managed to last this long on an island full of Marines," Luffy shot back. This was pro forma, trying to one up each other, or so Gramps told him. "Let me guess. With your ability, you're the one person Smoker would have to actually work to capture. And since pirates started to steer clear, the people need_ something _to remind them why they need the heavy hand of the government. So he, or someone up the food chain, decided to let you go on unmolested so long as you keep things small-scale. That sound right?"_

_Bartolomeo grit his teeth and turned a funny shade of red. Luffy belatedly remembered this guy had a serious temper. "What do you want?" he spat out._

_Luffy sighed. "I figure you guys would want a chance to protect your city. For financial reasons, if nothing else. If people are busing paying hospital bills, they can't pay you, right?"_

_Bartolomeo narrowed his eyes. "You threatening my town?"_

_Luffy shook his head. "On the contrary. I'm warning you. There's going to be an… incident at the Town Plaza. People could get hurt. I was hoping that your men could clear out the people and stick around so no one gets suspicious."_

_Bartolomeo cocked his head. "What kind of 'incident' are we talking here?"_

_Luffy gave a sickly grin. "Let's just say that when the Monkey family has a reunion, property damage is to be expected."_

Luffy was jerked from his memories by a buzz from the crowd below. Luffy watched with ratcheting heartrate as he saw a tall man in a grey suit push his way through the crowd, a full squadron of Marines following behind him. Well, time to face the music.

Monkey D. Garp walked past the fountain until he was at a 45° angle from the top of the execution platform. Then he looked up and pierced his grandson with a glare. A glare that contained all the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. "Luffy."

That one word was more effective than a blast of King's Disposition. It was like watching a ripple as people began to edge away from the Vice Admiral. The fury coming off of him was practically tangible. Luffy remained outwardly calm, though inside he was trembling as much as pre-timeskip Usopp. "Hey, Gramps. Wow, I can see your veins from here. Have you been taking your blood pressure medicine? You know Boggart wouldn't bug you if it weren't important."

" _Brat,_ " he cut off. He tapped his foot and sent a spider web of cracks into the pavement. "I'm going to give you one chance, _one chance_ , to explain yourself. If I don't like your answer, I'm throwing you into Impel Down myself until I think you've learned your lesson."

Luffy tensed. This was it. Time to see if his desperate gamble worked.

_Zoro shrugged. "Better than 11 percent. Let's hear it."_

_Luffy spoke like he was trying to convince himself as much as them. "Look, I got into this mess thanks to vaguely worded, technically true statements. Maybe they can get me out of it."_

" _What do you mean?" Nami demanded._

_Luffy sighed, a pained expression on his face. "I'm going to play on my grandfather's deepest fears. And when I see an opening, I'm going to take it."_

"I had an epiphany," Luffy said calmly.

Garp cracked his knuckles. "Oh, really? What was it exactly?"

Luffy breathed deep. Then he committed to hurt his Gramps worse than he ever had before.

"If I became a Marine, I would surely perish."

Garp grit his teeth so hard his dentist would notice cracks. " _That's_ your excuse? You were afraid to get killed? Marines lead a dangerous life, I told you that from day one. You telling me I trained a coward?!"

"You misunderstand," Luffy interrupted. "I did not say I would die in battle. I said I would perish. Disappear. Or maybe, if they wanted to make a point of it, _executed._ "

That drew Garp up short. "What the hell are you talking about?"

The Straw Hat that had seen so much shadowed its current wearer's eyes. "A healthy tree may bear a bad apple, but the tree is still seen as healthy. That one bad apple is just bad luck. But only a bad seed may grow from bad soil. Its nature is decided for it by the circumstances of its creation." Luffy looked into his Gramps' eyes. He didn't have to fake the regret weighing them down. "I may be your beloved grandson, Gramps. But nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing _I_ say or do will change the fact that I'm _his_ son."

Gramps looked down, a bad taste in his mouth. His greatest shame was being hurled in his face.

"I'm not saying it would happen right away," Luffy continued. "It might take a week; it might take months. Hell, it might be years. But sooner or later, they'll start to think it. That I'm a sleeper agent. Or that I'm leaking information. Or just that my goddamn blood is dirty. And it wouldn't matter if I was the Commander-in-Chief when it happened. They would kill me without a second thought, 'for the good of the world'. And there wouldn't be anything I could do to defend myself. For my _sin_ ," Luffy forced out, the words of a fanatic who had shattered his world echoing in his ears, "is _existing_."

Garp shook his head in denial. "No, no, they wouldn't do that!"

Luffy hardened his heart. "Baterilla!" Garp looked up in shock as he mentioned that taboo name. "Based on the rumor of a rumor, Marines spent over a year scouring the island for a sign, any at all, of a child of the Pirate King. Pregnant women were kidnapped to be put through blood tests. Infants were put through the most invasive, comprehensive battery of exams available. Any who resisted were executed." Luffy spat. "And if they _had_ found such a child, he would have been _murdered_ in his cradle. In the _womb_." Luffy narrowed pitying eyes at the horrified Garp. "This is how much stock the World Government puts in a person's bloodline. Do you deny it?"

Garp fought tears of anger, frustration, and guilt. "Luffy, you fool! I thought of all that! I cleared everything with Sengoku! You would have had a fair chance!"

"Ah, but Sengoku isn't the top of the food chain, is he?" Luffy fired back. "Even he must bow to orders from Kong or the Gorosei. And it's not like he'll be Fleet Admiral forever. Can you imagine how _Sakazuki_ would react to news of _his_ son in the Marine's ranks? His first order after being promoted would be my death warrant."

Garp felt like his world was crumbling. "Luffy, Kong's a good man. And I know people don't always understand why they do what they do, but the Gorosei are _just_. They wouldn't kill you just because—"

"Ohara. And Nico Robin." Luffy smiled sadly at the surprised look on his Gramps' face. "The Voice had told me a lot, Gramps."

Garp tried a different tack. "Sakazuki isn't the only one who could take Sengoku's place! He might never find out!"

"Ah, yes. I might be spared from 'Absolute Justice'. But that doesn't mean I'm safe." Luffy felt like his heart was breaking, watching his grandpa's fall to pieces, but he continued. For his nakama. For his nakama. "Kuzan and his 'Lazy Justice' would wait a decade after he heard the truth, but eventually he would act. And with that 'Unclear Justice' of Borsalino's, he might not even go for he. He would go for Dadan and Foosha for not lynching me when I was young."

Luffy shook his head, noting the sky becoming dark and gray. "I'm sorry, Gramps. I truly am. I know you believe in redemption, but your superiors don't. They only understand corruption. And there's not a single future where if I became a Marine I would not die." And it was the truth. The Voice confirmed it. Luffy had felt pity for his grandfather for the first time when he realized that. A great man he might be, and one with more experience than almost anyone, but he was still so naïve when it came to the ugly side of the people he'd sworn to serve.

"Luffy," Garp breathed out. He had to be lying. He had to. This couldn't be true. His hopes, his dreams, his utmost desire, his careful plans to ensure his grandsons be spared from the sins of their fathers… it couldn't all be for naught.

"I like to think I'm a decent guy, Gramps. But I'm not so selfless as to knowingly go to my death just so I might be able to help save people." Luffy looked up. "So, if the path of a Marine was barred from me, what else could I do? How can I live my life, in a world that does not want me to survive?" Luffy grinned, and prepared to fight. "That's when I remembered an old dream." Well, he'd never stopped thinking about it, but he _did_ think about it the same day he found out the truth of his fate as a Marine.

Garp felt his stomach drop. "No… don't say it…" he begged.

Luffy flung out his arms and shouted with all the air in his body. "I WILL BECOME THE PIRATE KING!"

In that moment, Garp gave up any hope his grandson could be saved.

And in that moment, his guard was down.

Luffy grabbed the edge of the platform and launched himself at Garp. "Gomu Gomu no Bunker Buster!" he screamed, activating Armament: Tekkai as he went through the air. He hit his Gramps right in the chest with all the force of a meteor, sending up a cloud of dust. When it cleared, Garp was lying insensate in a crater, his grandson standing over him.

"I'm sorry, Gramps."

Then Luffy hopped out of the hole he'd created and faced the wall of muskets aimed at him. "Monkey D. Luffy, surrender yourself! We have you surrounded!" shouted an ensign with a megaphone, sounding remarkably steady given the spreading stain on his pants.

Luffy grinned. "No, _you're_ surrounded." Luffy threw back his head. "EVERYONE, NOW!"

And with that, the Armada charged into the plaza from where they'd been hiding, and the world dissolved into chaos.

* * *

"Bara Bara Cannon," Buggy yelled as he shot his hands into the crowd of Marines.

"When I say One, Two, Jango, you will see friends as enemies and enemies as friends. One, Two, Jango!" The captain of the Black Cats smirked as the dozen Marines that had charged him suddenly turned around and began to attack their fellows.

Gin didn't bother to name his attacks. He just tore through all in his way like a sickle through wheat.

In the midst of all this madness, a tense standoff occurred between two swords…people? It was unclear what the proper term was.

"You dared to talk down to me, when you're worse than scum yourself?" Tashigi accused.

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Believe what you will of my character. I just wanted to give some helpful advice to a fellow swordsman."

Tashigi barred her teeth. "On behalf of the Marines, I hereby confiscate your Named Blades. In the name of Justice!"

"Yeah, not going to happen," Zoro stated.

The scorned woman, a fury worse than any hell could produce, narrowed her eyes. "Then I shall take them from your corpse!"

"Good luck with that," Zoro said around a yawn.

Seeing red, Tashigi drew Shigure, freshly sharpened and ready for battle. She hesitated when her opponent made no move to do so likewise. "What, I'm not good enough for you to use your swords?" she roared.

"Nothing like that. I'm just under strict orders from my nurse not to use any swords in any way, shape, or form." Zoro reached down into a downed Marine's hands and extracted a knife. "This'll do. It's a dagger. Completely different."

Tashigi had never felt so _angry_ in her life. "You mock me, even now?" she demanded.

Zoro didn't even reach for his bandana. Though it would be awkward to take off his hat to put it on. Huh, maybe he should get a string attached like Luffy had. "No offense," he drawled, "But I'm more afraid of her than I am of you."

With a hearty battle cry, Tashigi rushed forward. She swung down in a textbook strike, putting all the force of her body into this opening blow.

Zoro made a simple sweep of his arm and deflected it, sending her sprawling past him.

Shaking her head, Tashigi regained her footing. She lunged at Zoro's back… only to hit open air as he turned to the side.

And so it went. Every move Tashigi made was dodged or made to miss. Throughout the fight, Zoro maintained his bored expression. He didn't even seem to be trying.

Finally, Tashigi went for a feint before slashing straight for his neck. Zoro used his dagger, holding it up in a block. Tashigi was stopped cold. All her training, all her effort, all her adrenaline and energy, and his arm didn't even bend. Then his other arm came up and knife-handed her wrists. She dropped her blade, the motion involuntary, and before she could blink she felt cold steel on her neck.

She narrowed her eyes through the rain and sweat. "You cheated."

Zoro grinned ironically. "Pirate," he reminded.

Tashigi resigned herself. "Get it over with then."

Zoro raised a brow, before removing the knife. He tossed it aside and faced her evenly.

Tashigi didn't know whether to be outraged or relieved. "Mercy? From a pirate? What, is it because I'm a woman?! I assure you, this is more insulting than flattering. It's custom to kill the enemy when you beat them, so at least offer me that much respect!"

"That's true. But I haven't actually beaten you," Zoro explained.

Tashigi gaped at him. "What are you talking about? You've disarmed me! How is that not a clear victory?"

"It's not a victory because this wasn't a true battle. Neither of us were at my best." Zoro fingered his eye scar. "I'm not fully recovered from my injures. And you haven't realized your full potential by half." Zoro grinned. "Go back to your training. Find your limits, and then _surpass_ them. And when the day comes that you've become the best you can become, come find me. And on that day, we will fight for real."

Tashigi couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was he… complimenting her? Encouraging her to beat him? It made no sense.

"Of course, I can't risk you stabbing me in the back, so…"

Tashigi suddenly felt like a battering ram was thrust into her solar plexus. Her lungs were suddenly out of air, and she descended into darkness.

* * *

Captain Smoker, the 'White Hunter', Navy HQ Captain and Commander of the Loguetown Marine Base, faced his opponent. "I'm afraid your journey ends here," he growled.

Luffy stuck his finger in his nose up to the knuckle. "Whatever you say, Smokey."

The chain smoker felt his last nerve snap and launched his fist forward from his body. "White Blow!"

Luffy tilted his head to avoid the fist, then reached up and _grabbed_ the smoke. And squeezed.

Smoker was brought to his knees at the blinding pain of his wrist being not just broken, but _crushed_. The next thing he knew, harsh metal was going down his spine and into his pants. All of a sudden the strength fled from his body and he realized what happened.

As he collapsed, he looked up at the grinning pirate. "Damn you," he managed.

Luffy shrugged. "Hey, I could have stuck that Seastone in a MUCH more uncomfortable place. You're good, Smokey, but nowhere near my league. Better luck next time."

Luffy walked away from the transmigrant of Javert to survey the battlefield. He debated letting his men fight it out and gain experience or just blast them with Conqueror's and hit the road.

The choice was taken from him when something, not Observation, just pure reflex and instinct screamed at him to DODGE!

Luffy jumped to the side. It was a good thing he did. The blackened fist that went through the space he just occupied would have turned his bones into dust.

Luffy looked up in horror. "Gramps?! But I knocked you out! Your voice went quiet…" Luffy trailed off as he saw the blank white of his grandfather's eyes and the tiniest of snot bubbles hanging from his nose. "Are you kidding me?! You're not even _conscious_ and you're trying to kick my ass?"

His Gramps' unconscious response was to spring at him.

Luffy took to the air, trying to Geppo away from the ground zero that was the inevitable result of Garp fighting. He was snatched from the air by something even faster, and Luffy found himself slammed face first into the execution platform.

"LUFFY!" Nami shouted from where she was casually electrocuting some hapless Marines.

Luffy felt the horror and worry spread through his various crews as he heard the creaking of bone and muscle that told him his Gramps was winding up. 'Huh, so this is how it ends,' Luffy thought. Conqueror's wouldn't work, his Gramps wasn't even awake. And he had no leverage in this position. He was helpless.

Luffy felt a sense of peace suffuse his soul. 'Aw, well. At least I know they can take care of themselves.' "EVERYONE!" he called out, beginning his last proclamation as Captain. "Sorry." He looked up, grinning like a loon. Time to see what came next. "BUT I'M DEAD!"

A lightning bolt that dwarfed any that Nami could possibly struck down from the heavens. The entire execution platform was consumed by blue fire. It collapsed to the aside, reduced to mere burning wood and scorched metal. A straw hat floated down through the air, only to be caught by a tan hand.

Luffy stuffed Hat back on his head. "NEVER MIND!" he shouted.

Siam and Butchi looked at each other. "Makes sense he's our new Captain, wouldn't you say?"

"I hear you brother. He's got more lives than all of us put together."

Richie huffed in relief. Chief Bellyscratcher was unharmed. The pride would remain intact.

Pearl hung his head. "That does it. I got to get over this stupid phobia. If the Don can walk away from _that_ without blinking, I got no right freaking out over a few drops of blood."

Luffy looked back at the burnt husk of his grandfather. He had no doubt they would meet again. Hopefully when he was in a better mood.

"Everyone, let's go home!" he shouted. He didn't think they'd meet any resistance along the way. Most of the Marines had thrown down their arms and held up hands in subjection after seeing him shrug off a few billion joules.

Speaking of which…

Luffy paused as he was walking along the main street behind his men. "Thanks for the save, Dad."

In a flash, Monkey D. Dragon appeared before him.

He grinned, a much harsher smile than Luffy had inherited from Garp. "I was only doing what any father should do."

Luffy shrugged. "Fair enough. Though mind telling me why this is the first time we're meeting?"

The Revolutionary's eyes grew sad. "I wanted you to grow up safe, free from the dangers that follow me constantly. As you know, any association with me can only hurt you." He looked away. "And, to be honest, a child was a distraction and weakness that I, and therefore the world, simply couldn't afford."

Luffy nodded. "Makes sense, I guess."

Dragon raised a brow. "That's it?"

"I'm not going to blame you for me being alive. That's stupid. You are who you are, and that's that. And I never felt like I was missing anything, so I won't hold your absence against you."

Dragon looked like a weight had dropped from his shoulders. There was still plenty there, but even a little relief felt great. "Thank you."

"I've done nothing you need to thank me for," Luffy countered. "Not that I'm complaining, but why'd you take time off from saving the world to see me off?"

Dragon grinned. "I wanted to see what kind of man you are. Pirate King is fine with me, by the way. I planned to just observe, but now it seems I can ask you myself."

Luffy quirked his mouth in a half-smile. "I'm a guy of simple taste. As long as I have meat in my belly, my nakama beside me, and the freedom to go where we will, I'm good. All that stuff I told Gramps about the Marines is true, but I also just wouldn't be able to stand life as a soldier. I'm not one for taking orders."

"Ah, the bane of generals and statesmen everywhere: an individualist." Dragon looked up. "You and your men will have a tailwind. Godspeed."

"Thanks." Luffy walked a few steps, then paused. "Oh, wait. You know how you can make up for 17 years of missed birthday presents?"

Dragon looked back. "How?"

"Have Sabo at Nanohana in Arabasta in 24 days."

Dragon had to strive not to drop his jaw. "Why?" he questioned. He'd heard Luffy mention the Voice, so it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility he'd investigated his father's operations. But why would he be interested in his second?

Luffy grinned nostalgically. "It's been… ten years. I want to meet my brother again."

Dragon's eyes widened as he connected the dots. He'd known Sabo came from the same island, but he'd never guessed…

"I'll see it done."

"Oh, and let me guess! Mystical Zoan fruit, Azure Dragon of the East? Power over the storms and lightning?"

But Dragon was already gone.

Luffy huffed and pursed his lips. "Jerk."

* * *

It was with jubilance that the Armada sailed away from Loguetown. It was raining buckets, and the wind was blowing something fierce, but none of that mattered in light of the excitement/fear of setting off for the Grand Line. Granted, there was almost a mutiny when the men refused to man the lines in favor of ogling Alvida. But Nami and Kaya set them straight… mostly Kaya.

Luffy grinned wide enough to split his head in half when he spotted the guiding light. "Men! Break the casks! Everyone get a drink, right now!"

"We're a little busy at the moment, you know!" Cabaji shouted, feeling almost naked without his unicycle as he shuffled along the mast of the Big Top.

"Don't care! Captain's orders!"

Zeff sighed. "I'll get the glasses."

With a lot of near-miss spills, every man eventually had a glass full of some form of alcohol.

Luffy grinned at his crew. They would always have the memory of their own personal ceremony. This was for the Armada. "TO THE GRAND LINE! TO ONE PIECE! TO LIVE WHAT WE DREAM!"

" **KANPAI!** "

* * *

**Boom!**

**Done!**

**I'll admit, I** _**did** _ **start writing this on Jan 11, but I only got as far as "Second, he was simple." Most of this was finished in one big rush over the weekend because I swore to myself that I would post by March. Thank the inexact spin of the Earth for Leap Day.**

**Luffy's guess at the end is my own personal theory for Dragon's powers. Don't quote me on it.**

**And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat the Panera chocolate chip cookie I have been using as incentive and wait for the flood of reviews. Good day… I say good day!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for any who were offended by my use of the 'r' word last chapter. I meant it strictly in the medical sense, like Radio as portrayed by Cuba Gooding Jr. That said, I will take care to avoid any potentially derogatory slurs… except when bad guys are involved. That goes without saying.**

**Over a hundred reviews in a week! That's gratifying. And one would think that after a ten-month hiatus eight weeks would seem like a blink, but apparently it was 'far too long'. So let's hope this comes soon enough to appease the clamoring horde.**

**Now for Reverse Mountain, Laboon, and a very special surprise!**

* * *

It was raining. Well, that was understatement. Technically the verb 'raining' could equally apply to both a barely there drizzle and a torrential flood. At present, it was definitely more the latter than the former. Water fell from the sky in sheets, twisted as they fell by the wind to make vague shapes you could just make out. Anyone outside was soaking, moisture sinking into every inch of skin no matter how many layers of clothing. A truly stupendous amount of water was in the air. Relative humidity was at least 90 percent. It wasn't so much raining as _raining_.

All that being said, a full third of the water on the Going Merry's deck was from tears, not precipitation.

"I have seen the hand of God," blubbered Sanji. "I had seen traces of it before in the spray of the waves, the glory of the sunset and the majesty of a rainbow. I glimpsed it once across a great chasm when I was on the very brink of death. But now it stands before me, clear as day! I see it in the curve of thy cheek, the tightness of thy waist, the fullness of thy breasts. Thine is a beauty unparalleled throughout the world! Thou art perfection personified, a goddess among pitiful mortals unworthy of ye. Thy worth is beyond the scope of human understanding. One Piece itself would not merit even a second of thy time, a clipping of thy toenails, the lint of your navel! I am unmanned before such radiance. Thou hath slain me with but a look! I am brought to my knees by a whiff of thy scent. I am laid low by the divine music that is thy voice. So I say unto thee: I am yours. All that is mine shall be thine if you but ask. Should you ask for the rock that sits on the very top of the face of the highest mountain, I shall climb it without a second thought and leap from the summit that I may bring it to you sooner! I would bring you snow in the most burning desert, and fire in the most freezing tundra! Should you ask for my liver to be served as pate, I would gladly cut it out that you might savor it. Your every need I shall do my utmost to fulfill. And you need not do anything in return, for the sight of your splendor repays me a thousand, nay, a MILLION times over! Do with me what you will, for I am a humble worshipper of thy heavenly grace! My very soul is thine to command, for it was gratefully captured the moment I looked upon thy incomparable smile!"

"… I honestly don't know how to respond to that," Alvida answered. She'd never had a man literally genuflect before her, tears of joy pouring like a waterfall from an eye that _somehow_ became a pink heart. She didn't know whether to keep one hand on her kanabo or tilt her hat to hide her blush. "All I asked was your name."

"It's Bag O. Crap. Family name Bag, middle initial 'O', personal name Crap. His parents had a terrible sense of humor," Zoro offered.

Physical flames burst into being and wrapped around the blonde as he turned to face his rival. " **HOW DARE YOU?!** " he demanded, leg tensing to separate the swordsman's head from his torso.

"Is that really your name, uh, Crap?" Alvida asked timidly.

"If you want it to be, Alvida-swama !" gushed the cook, back to prostrating and weeping.

But his were not the only sobs to be heard.

"There is a god! And it's _you_ , Usopp!" praised Nami, hugging him around the waist after she'd fallen to her knees in shock. Like Sanji, her eyes had undergone a transformation once the waterworks began. But instead of an anatomically incorrect heart, they were Beri signs. "Babies go for 100 thousand, adults for 500 thousand, cameras for 250 thousand, visuals and surveillance for 750, blacks with a starting bid of 1 million on the black market, whites for 5 million! And no installation charge if you can figure out how to build the rigs, which shouldn't be any trouble for a genius like you! And we'll be able to keep track of _every single one_ and what they get up to! Plus, all the ones she's already had! So much information, all available to the highest bidder!"

"Um, I don't think she's had many," Usopp interrupted. "The guy inherited her from his uncle, who supposedly found her in the wild and kept her as a pet. When he got her, he put on the rig and put her with the rest of his junk. When she wasn't bought within a month, he just kind of forgot about her."

"Doesn't matter! We're still set for life once Gaimon fixes her up and we get Luffy to tell us how to make her start churning them out. That snail is worth three gold mines and the mountains on top of them! And you got her for FREE! I have literally never been this happy!" Nami tightened her arms, trying to squeeze Usopp to death to show her appreciation.

Kaya stood with back straight, toes in line, hands held together at her waist, the picture of poise, though the ship swayed harshly with the waves. Her smile was wide, though she showed no teeth, her dimples emphasizing the upward curve of her mouth. Her eyes were closed, as if forced shut by how hard she was grinning. Her head was tilted to the side just so, giving her an air of sympathy and earnest interest in you and you alone. Her hair blew gently about her head as if from the wind, though all logic dictated it should be clinging wetly to her head.

In short, she was at her most terrifying.

"Nami-san. Kindly stop nuzzling the source of my future children. It's beginning to… _irk_ me."

Nami felt her stomach drop so hard it shot out her ass and ran away. Screaming.

In an instant she was on the other deck, waving her arms in a 'whoa, not me' manner, looking like she was trying to open the galley door with her foot. "You must be mistaken, Kaya! There was no nuzzling! None at all!"

Kaya raised one delicate brow.

"A-a-and I just remembered that I don't want to touch Usopp ever again! He's got I-can't-go-on-that-island-or-I'll-die-itis and I'd hate to catch it! Now, I think I need to take a second look at some maps. Which I can read! Because I'm the navigator! An irreplaceable, integral part to the crew whose absence would likely result in the death of EVERYONE! Whose potential disappearance would be noted, investigated, and any culprit dealt with my Luffy himself! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DOORKNOB?!" Nami shouted, turning to focus her full attention on the uncooperative gateway to safety.

"I'll keep that in mind," she _felt_ whispered into her ear.

With a whimper, Nami finally got the door open and slammed it shut behind her so hard the porthole cracked.

Kaya walked over to Usopp, face still frozen in its eerie beaming. Without warning, her hand thrust out to cup his crotch.

"Hmm. Good boy. You didn't react to her."

"Of course not, Mistress," Usopp answered calmly. "I love you and only you."

"Naturally. But don't think I've forgotten about that little moment of doubt earlier. We'll have to _deal_ with that tonight."

Usopp tried and failed to hide a wriggle of delight. "Whatever you think is best, Mistress." He paused. "Can I talk to Daisy now? She gets embarrassed whenever you come out in public."

"Oh, very well." Her eyes opened and her whole demeanor shifted. She looked down at her hand in confusion, but made no move to remove it. "Oh dear. Did she get possessive again?"

"Just a tad."

"Nami just got carried away, no need to scare the poor girl to death. Besides, it's still daytime. She knows it's my turn. Has she no manners?"

"Well, it probably doesn't help that you've started wearing the corset under your clothes."

Kaya smirked. "But of course. A lady should never go out without one. And you love being able to have both of us around all the time, don't deny it."

Usopp grinned. "Far from it." In fact, Kaya could feel just how much he loved it.

She gave him a pat. "Now, now. Save it for later."

Luffy just laughed. His crew was _hilarious_.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Armada was passing what little time remained before they reached Reverse Mountain.

Gaimon felt like his right eyelid was trying to send a message in Morse code independent from his body. "Would one of you clowns please stop laughing at me and fetch some lettuce so this poor, hungry, abused, IDIOTIC, but still very special animal would stop CHEWING MY HAIR?!" he roared at the Buggy Pirates in stitches over the sight of the Queen gnawing on the green fuzz she had mistaken for food.

The captain of said pirates had most of his body on the Big Top while his head surveyed the Blitz. "Damn, this is quality craftsmanship here. Reminds me a bit of Captain Roger's first boat before he got the Oro Jackson. Nice to see you guys settling in so quick. My boys are going to be glad of all the extra room, or rather the room they're getting back. Though what's with the name 'Blitz'? Not that it isn't appropriate, you guys are having to actively restrain yourselves not to outpace us I can see, but what's with the 'B'? All the ships have 'b' names. Big Top, Bezan Black, Baratie, Blitz. Seriously, what's with that?"

Gin sighed. "I don't know which disturbs me more: the fact that I'm actually talking to a floating head while sailing towards a place where water flows up instead of down under the command of a man made of rubber, or that I _know_ that's not the weirdest thing this world has seen."

"Oh you have _no_ idea," Buggy commiserated. "I'm sure going to miss normalcy. I was just starting to get used to it again."

Mohmoo swam next to the Black Cats, listening attentively to the voice of one man in particular.

"… and then we'll take Madagascar, always works in Risk, and from there you and I will take over the world!"

Jango, walking by at the moment, reached out and smacked the man on his head. "Salem, stop filling that gullible creature's head with your fantasies of world domination. I don't care how much of the nip you smoke; you don't drag Captain Luffy's pets into your delusions."

"Ohhohoho," wailed the Black Cat.

"Try it again, and I'm cutting you off."

"Doy?"

Zeff was making liberal use of his toque to chastise his staff. "Peddle faster, you fast food grease suckers! If you let this current drag us into the Calm Belt, I'll fry you up and feed you to the Sea Kings myself!"

"HAI, OWNER ZEFF!" roared the sixteen men in the basement, working at the stationary bikes that powered the propeller that supplemented what little wind the two masts caught given how small the sails were. With the weight of all the cooking equipment onboard, every bit was needed to keep the Baratie in pace with the Armada.

Zeff sighed and went back to looking through the periscope, adjusting the wheel as necessary to keep in formation. He mused that most of his former diners would be shocked at what had lain just beneath their feet. Submarines were rare in the East Blue, and that's what the basement looked like. All metal, with a pipe lowering from the ceiling that was actually just a spot for the two mirrors that allowed the one holding the wheel to see above the water. A child could make a rudimentary version with cardboard. Two rows of four bikes were on either side of the wheel. At the front of the room, there was an airlock door that served as the interest to the Sabagashira 1.

Of the other thirteen members of the staff, ten were above deck adjusting the sails under the direction of Carne, who'd actually worked on a ship before and knew a thing or two about sailing and navigation. He was improving every day, with the lessons of Nami alongside Moe, Buchi, and Woge. The other three were either on the Big Top, Bezan Black, or the Blitz as part of the daily rotation.

If the ship wasn't so small, Zeff might have considered training some more cooks so he could spread some of the work out. But it was, so he didn't. Any of his men who complained they were being overworked could jump overboard for all he cared.

Nami came out of the galley, now wearing a raincoat. She pointedly didn't look at Kaya. She brought the megaphone Usopp technically owned but was really more crew property to her lips. "LISTEN UP, YOU MORONS! IN CASE ANY OF YOU FORGOT FROM THE BRIEFING YESTERDAY, THE ENTRANCE TO THE GRAND LINE IS REVERSE MOUNTAIN. THE CURRENT IS SO STRONG THAT THE CANAL WILL CARRY US UP THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN. THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T BELIEVE THAT, TOO DAMN BAD! YOU'RE STILL GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I TELL YOU SO NONE OF YOU CRASH INTO THE RED LINE! NOW, ONCE WE GET CLOSE THE CURRENTS WILL BE SO STRONG THAT YOU CAN'T TURN, SO ITS CRITICAL THAT WE ENTER JUST RIGHT!"

So saying, Nami seemed to go into a trance, looking between the sky and the ocean. Then she started to bark out orders.

"BUGGY! CLOSE THE MAIN SAILS, OPEN THE FOREMAST AND THE MIZZEN ONLY!"

"BLACK! 42° PORT FOR 183 SECONDS, THEN 17° TO STARBOARD!"

"DON! FULL SAIL, YOUR GOING IN FIRST! BUT LOWER THE JIB, IT'S THROWING YOU OFF!"

"MOHMOO! GET ON THE PORT SIDE OF THE BARATIE AND **PUSH**! THEY'RE OUT OF POSITION!"

"AND YOU IDIOTS! TAKE IN EVERYTHING! USOPP, ON MY MARK, GO HARD TO STARBOARD LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO U-TURN! SNAP TO IT PEOPLE!"

And so it went. Nami micromanaged them all for the longest 23 minutes of the Armada's lives. When she at last called "ALL HANDS AT REST!", a great many of the men collapsed in dead faints. She sighed and gave the Armada's ships one last look. They were all vaguely in a single-file line, going Blitz, Merry, Baratie, Bezan Black, Big Top, with Mohmoo paddling in the rear. "That's it. We're locked in. It's out of my hands now."

"Don't worry Nami!" Luffy called. "I can just use Balloon like last time if you got something wrong."

"No, you can't," she corrected. "We're too close together, but this is as far as we can be within hearing range. By the time you bounce anyone back into line, the ones behind them will have crashed into them. It's all on me here." She frowned, trying to hide the sliver of doubt she had. She was 98.73% sure she'd gotten them all right, but there was always that 1.27%...

"Of course you got it perfect, Nami-swan! The Armada is safe and sound in your lovely hands! Mellorine~" Sanji offered.

"Hai, hai," she muttered. It went in one ear and out the other, but it brightened things up along the way. The navigator turned to consider the visibly puffing Alvida. "Oi, new girl. Haven't you ever worked a day in your life?"

Alvida leaned on her kanabo. "In point of fact, no. My crew did everything for me. I might have the muscle to swing my club, but it's mostly done in one blow anyway. I don't really have much in the way of endurance." She went to wipe her brow and her arm was flung to the side so sharply she almost popped the joint. "Doesn't help that I'm so damn slippery now."

"You'll get used to it." Luffy paused. "Eventually. Though it actually took me ten years to adapt to my new body. But I'm sure you'll get it down quicker than that."

"If you say so," Alvida said faintly, pale at the idea that she could spend a full decade breaking in her new power.

As they spoke, the clouds cleared a little. Almost as one, everyone turned and gaped.

When it comes to some things, knowing and experiencing are two vastly different things. It was one thing to 'know' that the Red Line was a uniform 10 kilometers in height, except for Reverse Mountain which rose even higher than that (A/N: To put it in perspective, the peak of Mount Everest is only 8.85 km above sea level). It was quite another to have it staring you in the face.

Rock. Rock as far as the eye could see. As far to the left, as far to the right, as far up as you could look, nothing but red stone. You kind of strained your eyes looking for the end, because there HAD to be an end. But it would be in vain. It just _was_. There was the ocean, and then there was the Red Line. It was as simple as that. A natural wall that encircled the planet. It had been there for thousands of years, and it would remain for thousands more. In the face of something so massive, so eternal, so unyielding, the trials of mankind seemed petty and fleeting.

But just as nature had made the wall, it had also made a gate.

In actuality, the width of the canal was just shy of a regulation football field. But considering the sheer scale of the edifice it was carved into, it seemed as thin as a hair.

And they were approaching it at a rather dangerous rate of speed.

"It's… it's taller than the clouds!" Shemp gaped.

"At least Shanks isn't here to hear me scream like last time," Buggy assured himself.

Ideaman, the Don Pirates' Staff Officer of Planning gulped. "You know, the marine genius Vegapunk defines insanity as attempting the same thing twice and expecting different results."

"Then I guess we're not insane, since this is nothing like last time," Pearl soothed. He was actually a bit of a people pleaser, always trying to make his crew feel better. It was probably just guilt from all the times he'd burned them with his bizarre defense mechanism, but still. "Don Luffy is a totally different man than Krieg. And if Nami-sama got it right, half of us won't crash and scupper against the cliffs like last time."

Jango gulped. "Hey, hey, hey! We're off! We're going to slam right into that weird continent! Hard to port!"

"Belay that!" Buchi shouted with surprising authority.

Jango whirled on the larger of the Nyaban Brothers. "You challenging my authority as captain, Buchi?"

"No. Just asserting my authority as navigator," the endomorph shot back. "It's my job to make sure this ship gets where it's supposed to go. And if we want to get to the Grand Line, we need to trust in Nami-sensei." Buchi jerked his chin at the canal. "Just look, captain. This current is strong enough to fight _gravity_. Our rudder won't stand a chance. At best, you'll break the wheel. At worst, you'll actually shift our course. And according to Nami-sensei, this is the course that gets us up that mountain alive. So we're staying course."

Siam stepped up. "What he said. If it helps Captain, think of it this way. Black cats bring bad luck. Right now, it looks like we're _trying_ to get ourselves killed. So of course we're going to get that one in a million chance and wind up surviving and screwing up our suicide."

Jango stroked his false beard. "Sounds just weird enough to work."

Zeff brought the two tails of his mustache together in his hand and stroked down. They sprung back with the sound of a spring. "Back to Paradise. And not to tour for a year, but as a stop on the way to the New World. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to this in the heat of the moment. But a deal's a deal. And I might get to see All Blue before I die, so I guess it's worth it. But I still have an urge to make the next feast vegan."

The pedalers, on break since they were just going with the flow now, paled as they imagined Luffy's despair at a meal with no meat.

Zeff nodded sagely at the haunted faces of his staff. "Yeah, you're right, too much. I'll just slip hot sauce into everything and blame the lying eggplant."

Mohmoo tried to keep his breakfast in his first stomach. Sure, it was faster and safer than swimming through the calm-water-monster-nest, but the mountain still scared him. At least if a bigger fish tried to eat him, he could try to swim away. This way, he had to struggle just to stay above water. The water had him. He sure hoped the orange female two-legs knew what she was doing.

Nami watched, heart in her mouth, as the fleet got closer and closer to the canal's entrance. Even as she saw them all shift and turn with the currents just as she'd predicted, she worried. Even as they aligned like clockwork until they were all but bow to stern, shooting straight as an arrow for the entrance, she worried. Even as they came so close to the sea gates she could make out individual carvings, she worried.

Only when Mohmoo made it past the final gate without so much as a bump did she breathe again.

Luffy grinned so wide it would tear a normal person's skin. "HEY, EVERYONE! WE'RE NOT DEAD! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF NAMI! THREE CHEERS FOR OUR CHIEF NAVIGATOR AND TREASURER! HIP, HIP!"

" **HOORAY**!" shouted the Armada.

"HIP, HIP!"

" **HOORAY!"**

"HIP, HIP!"

"WHO wants a RAISE?!" Buggy called out as a joke.

" _ **NOT ON YOUR LIFE!**_ "

The Buggy Pirates very nearly considered mutiny. If they offered their ex-captain's corpse as tribute, maybe Nami wouldn't condemn them all due to guilt by association.

The Baratie chefs and Black Cats would have joined in. They were between Nami and her prey, after all.

The Dons all heaved a sigh of relief. For they were not.

The Armada was distracted from contemplating said slaughter once it processed they were _sailing up_.

Luffy 'hmm'd. "Better than the rollercoaster at Sabaody, not as good as the Knock-Up Stream."

"Are you seriously treating this like a thrill ride, Luffy-san?" Kaya asked incredulously, clutching the railing with Usopp steadying her.

"That's just the way he is, Kaya-chan. Besides, you have to admit this is a little fun."

Kaya furrowed her brow. "It's about 10% fun, 70% sheer terror, 20% disbelief."

"And for Luffy, its 99% fun, 1% 'mystery'."

Luffy frowned. "That was the old me. Now it's like 75% fun, 18% 'been there, done that', and 7% trying to calculate velocity and distance in case Gramps asks."

The couple hid identical sweatdrops. 'Seriously, _what_ did his grandpa do to him?' they thought.

Larry was bouncing like a little kid. "We're getting closer to the clouds! I'll finally get to see if they really taste like cotton candy!"

Cabaji rolled his eyes. "Can you believe that guy?" he asked Mohji.

"I know. Everyone knows clouds taste like marshmallow."

Kadoo held her hand to her forehead to block out the wind and rain. "Huh. You can see Loguetown from here."

"You think if we fell from this high up, we'd still land on our feet?" Oliver asked Whiskers.

"On what? It's still the ocean, idiot. We'd drown."

"Think Zoro-sensei could cut this mountain in half?" asked the one who always wore his cat mask backwards.

Patty tried to stiffen his upper lip and stop his knees knocking together. "I-I'm totally okay with this. This isn't at all scary. I don't want to curl up in the corner and suck my thumb until the bad dream goes away. Nope, not even a little."

Myassa pat him on the shoulder. "Whatever you say, tovarisch."

Hustle of the Don Pirates flexed his muscles, a nervous tic of his. It brought him back to simple days when he was just a gym rat and not a sea rat. "Once more unto the breach, boys!"

Gin narrowed his eyes at the cloud bank. "Next time we're under these, we'll be in the most dangerous place in the world." A devilish grin split his face. "What better place to prove ourselves to the Don?"

In no time, they reached the clouds. The world was nothing but cool fog for an endless moment. Then they all sailed through, and were treated to a sight reserved for pirates and adventurers alone.

The river they were riding into the sky came to an abrupt end when it clashed with its three siblings. The wash of each fought for dominance, sending spray up into the air in a never-ending battle. The water, once in the air, succumbed to the chill of the high atmosphere and crystallized into ice while still flying. Light bent and refracted through the makeshift prisms, resulting in a constant, shifting rainbow hanging around the summit like a halo.

It truly was otherworldly.

One by one, the ships that carried the many crews of Monkey D. Luffy shot into the air, passing through that icy mist and iridescent corona. It was almost baptismal. And one by one, they returned to the almighty grip of gravity, falling into the fifth canal, the only one going down.

Mohmoo roared as he hung suspended, his mighty cry sealing the event. They had done it. They had all entered the Grand Line. They had entered a whole new ocean, a world unlike any they'd left behind.

The _real_ adventure started now.

* * *

If the ride up had been exhilarating, the ride _down_ was an adrenaline junkie's dream come true. The angle was just as steep, and this time they weren't fighting the natural order. The quintet of ships reached speeds that were typically only accessible to advanced internal combustion engines.

In a blink, they were back in the clouds.

As they were in that eerie atmosphere, a sound of such amplitude it wasn't so much heard as felt hit them.

"BWOOOH~"

Zoro frowned. "Damn. Laboon's voice is so loud I can barely hear myself think."

Alvida frowned. "Who's Laboon? Are you talking about whatever the heck that was? It wasn't that loud."

"Laboon is a cute little whale we're about to meet, no need to worry Alvida-sama," cooed Sanji. "And Mosshead isn't talking about his physical voice," he added a bit more seriously. He regretted not lighting a cigarette before they got in this blasted wind. "Guess you don't reach the size of some islands without picking up some psychic chops."

Buggy fought a headwind so his Bara Bara Emergency Escape could reach the co-captain of his crew. "You seem to have had a handle on everything so far, but just for my own peace of mind, you know about the Island Whale, right?"

Luffy grinned. "Yep. And I know just how to deal with it."

Buggy felt a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature. He recognized that smile. It had preceded the real-life inspiration for most of his nightmares.

"BWOOOH~~"

Jango tilted his head. "What's that weird sound?"

Zeff frowned. "Shitty whale better not be blocking the exit."

The Armada reached clear air once again…

… And were treated to the sight of a second mountain standing in their way.

Or something that looked very much like a mountain.

"What the hell is that?" shrieked one of the Don pirates.

"Wait, you haven't seen him before?" Usopp asked.

"No! And what do you mean 'him'?" Gin asked.

The tonfa wielder had his question answered by the creature in question rather than the liar.

" **BWOOOH~~~** "

"A… A WHALE?!" exclaimed almost the entire Armada.

"It must have been under the surface when we came with Krieg!" Pearl reasoned in the midst of panic.

Gaimon was almost drooling. "Now _that_ is a special animal!"

"To prepare a fresh whale steak, wash it in a solution of 1 generous tablespoon baking soda to 1-quart water and let it soak for 1 hour. Rinse the meat and marinate it for 2 hours in 3 parts water and 1-part vinegar, with a sliced raw onion. Cut the steak across the grain in slices less than 1/2 inch thick. Sprinkle the slices with lemon juice and pound them with a mallet to tenderize them. Sauté the steaks as you would sliced beefsteak," Carne rattled off, his mind spitting up cooking instructions in the absence of any other idea how to process the situation.

Mohmoo cried. He was prey now. He was going to experience life on the other side of the food chain, and he was certain it wouldn't be a lengthy ordeal.

Jango had one hand in his jacket with an uncertain expression. "Can I even hypnotize this thing to move if it can't see me?"

"Anytime you're ready, Luffy." Nami sat back and waited for her captain to tame the massive beast as he had Surume and get him to submerge.

So she was sorely disappointed when instead he called out, in a voice that echoed and shook her very bones, " _OI! WHALE! EAT ME!_ "

" **WHAT?** " came the full-throated cry of everyone but Luffy.

The titanic mass of blue flesh shifted. Were it humanoid, the equivalent would be of tilting one's head.

" _EAT ME! EAT ME!_ "

"YOU MORON!" Nami roared, downing her captain with her fist.

Luffy looked up confused. And not just because of the concussion. "What? You told me to go ahead!"

"I thought you were going to hit him with Elephant Gun or something and knock him out of the way!"

"That comes later! First I want to talk to the Old Man Flower, or whatever his name is."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO GET EATEN!" Nami added a few more lumps to her captain's skull. The one looked lonely.

Alvida spoke up hesitantly. "Um, Nami was it? Are you sure it's okay to hit Luffy-sama like that?"

"Quiet, you!"

"Ow! Wait, why didn't that slide off? Is it because it hit my hat?"

"Pretty sure that's not the reason. The witch just has her ways," Zoro offered.

While the core crew had been arguing, the whale had decided to go along with what the alpha voice told it to. Opening its gargantuan maw, the Armada's fate switched from slamming into a wall of blubber to sailing straight down a leviathan's throat.

"Gin! What are you doing?! Swerve around it already!" demanded a freaking out subordinate.

Gin set his jaw. "If the Don wants to get eaten, we get eaten too."

"Talk about bad luck," sulked half the Black Cat crew, oddly resigned to the whole thing.

Zeff was unfazed by the turn of events. "Got to get the recipe for that dip from Crocus this time around. Pretty sure it was just blended hummus and tapenade, but there was that certain something that gave an extra 'zing' I could never figure out.

"Captain Buggy! How are you so calm?" demanded Mohji around trying to pacify Richie in the midst of a mental breakdown.

"Because I know we have nothing to fear," he replied.

'Captain is so cool' thought the entirety of the crew.

What they didn't see was Buggy crying silent tears. 'Damn it! My ship is going to look so ugly. _Nothing_ can get a nice varnish back in wood once it's soaked in stomach acid.'

Finally reaching sea level, but maintaining all their momentum, the Armada sailed right into the mouth of Laboon the whale. He closed his mouth behind the sea cow and hoped some would stick around. Krill got awfully boring after a while, but flower-head-friend always let out any interesting food.

The Armada's world was darkness and rocking and god-awful stench. Then, out of nowhere, they were back outside.

… Wait, what?

Those who weren't in the know began to doubt their sanity or speculate on what exact combination of things they'd ingested had resulted in hallucinations. Those that did had other things on their mind.

"Crocus-sensei, please don't call me Nose-chan when you see me. I will be compelled to attack you and I don't want that on my conscience," Buggy tried to telepathically communicate to the resident of the little houseboat in the center of the sea of gastric juices.

Sanji scratched his head as he brought his lighter to his mouth. Wow, that was a whole new kind of secondhand smoke. "Now that I think about it, how is it light in here? It's not like Fishman Island, with Eve. We're in a stomach, where's all this natural light coming from?"

"Hmm, maybe a system of mirrors at the base of the blowhole that reflect light throughout the interior. Though they'd probably get knocked out of alignment every time Laboon smashed his head against the Red Line. More likely a bunch of well-placed Lamp Dials."

Nami sighed. "This has been a long-ass day. I am not mentally prepared to deal with Vivi and that king wannabe. Can I just take a nap until dinner?"

Luffy opened his mouth to answer, before freezing.

Kaya took notice. "Luffy-san? What is it? Has your grandfather recovered and is coming for us?"

Usopp hid a shiver. "Kaya-chan, leave the morbid comments and suggestions to Robin."

"Well, she's not here yet, so I'm filling in. And it's a legitimate question. He froze up just like that earlier today!"

Luffy's mouth slowly spread into a grin so bright it almost hurt to look at it.

"Are we just going to sit here in denial forever? Something happen already!" shouted one of the Don Pirates who had gotten fed up listening to his friends insist they were experiencing a vivid, shared dream.

As if on cue, a giant squid burst to the surface, tentacles flailing, and charged the Armada.

"You had to ask," bit out Kagikko, the Don's quiet locksmith.

"AH! MONSTER!" cried the peanut gallery.

The squid roared from its beak, eager to kill and feed. But suddenly, it froze in place.

A ghostly voice began to echo around the chamber.

" _Yohohoho, Yohohoho~_ "

Zoro's grin did its level best to match Luffy's.

" _Yohohoho, Yohohoho_."

Usopp felt tears fill his eyes. "I can't believe it," he whispered.

Nami's cheeks started to hurt. She just might show him her underwear this once. 100 thousand upfront, but still.

" _Yohohoho, Yohohoho~_ "

"Oh, come on! I said that as a joke! Is this for real?" demanded a flustered Sanji.

" _Yohohoho, Yohohoho._ "

Buggy cocked his head. "Where do I know this tune from?"

The squid seemed to simultaneously be torn to shreds and freeze solid. Where once was the latest threat to the Straw Hats, there was now just an oddly-shaped iceberg.

The sound of a shikomizue sliding back into its sheathe was heard.

"Yohohoho! My, oh my! Everyone, you definitely are a sight for sore eyes! Oh, but I don't have eyes. Skull joke! Yohohoho!"

The Armada turned their heads towards the Going Merry, where they espied one of the most horrifying scenes they could possibly imagine!

" **AH! A GHOST!** "

"It's a zombie!"

"It's a ghoul!"

"It's the Grim Reaper!"

The time travelers only smiled and corrected them in one voice.

"IT'S BROOK!"

* * *

**And that's where we'll end it. For the record, this is what 'fast' looks like. If you want more than a revolving door of the crews to add padding and some actual content, give me some more leeway. In the words of Smoker, "I have my own pace."**

**Still, hope this manages to satisfy some of you. Expect the next 'real' update sometime after Easter.**

**P.S. To any readers in states having a primary on March 15, please refer to the A/N at the end of Chapter 9.**


	12. Chapter 12

**So, the general consensus is that leaving y'all hanging on the Brook cliffhanger makes me a bastard, in the best sense of the word. Well, I'm here to say for the record that my parents were married eight years before they had me, so I'm very much legitimate.**

**If anyone's wondering where all the random named crewmembers came from, I got tired of constantly making up punny names and decided to research to see if Oda-sensei elaborated on any of the crews besides the ones with screen time. Turns out he did. And I figured that if I take the time to give them lines, my little OCs should have more than one appearance. Then again, given the sheer scale of the Armada, maybe I should stop giving people a million new characters to remember and stick with the officers only.**

**I keep getting suggestions and plot ideas from reviewers. While I appreciate the desire to pool and share creativity (for what is fanfiction but the union of at least two different imaginations), I have the plot all but set in stone all the way up to the timeskip. And I haven't let you guys down yet so far, right? So just trust me to blow your minds.**

**Well, let's pick up where we left off, shall we?**

**P.S. For the record, I find it extremely odd that there are fics out there much further along in the story, with higher word counts, that have updated much more often and yet I have more favorites and follows. Seriously, what makes me so special? This isn't false modesty; it actually weirds me out. But maybe that's the inferiority complex talking…**

**P.P.S. Story recommendation for this chapter is Witt and Witticism.**

* * *

_In the Florian Triangle_

A derelict galleon of considerable size floated listlessly in the water. Once, it might have been impressive. But fifty years of damp and neglect had worn it down to its bare bones. The sail was tattered and limp. Gaping holes stood out on its side. What wood remained was both brittle with age and softened by the constant fog, resulting in a creaking surface liable to collapse under the slightest weight. The deck was deserted but for a single skeleton, the clothes wrapped around it in surprisingly good condition considering a corpse had decomposed within them.

It was, in every sense of the word, a ghost ship.

Especially since the skeleton came to life and started to moan about a headache.

"Oh my aching head," he whined piteously. "It's like Sanji-san is tap-dancing on my brain! Ah, but I don't have a brain anymore. Skull joke! Yohohoho!" The skeleton waited a beat, then a sweatdrop appeared on his afro at the lack of response. "No one's laughing? That hurts me, guys. That really feels like a stab to the heart. Wait, but I don't have a heart. Skull joke! Yohohoho!" Another beat. The sweatdrop became a tic mark. "Oi! People! This is my thing! Throw me a bone here! Even though I'm nothing BUT bones!" Dead silence. The skeleton rose up, his eyeholes narrowed. "I'm sorry, is it 'Ignore Brook' day or –"

The undead musician froze.

A light breeze blew, swirling the fog that clung like snakes to every surface. There was nothing. And no one. Just silence and darkness.

And him.

Alone.

_Alone._

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nononono NO!" Brook felt like his was suffocating. He couldn't get any air to his lungs. Except he didn't have – THIS WASN'T THE TIME FOR STUPID JOKES! "This isn't happening, _this isn't happening!_ "

Brook jumped to his feet… and promptly ran into the mast at full speed.

"Ow! That hurt… THEN THIS ISN'T A DREAM!"

Brook felt true panic set in. He desperately tried to make sense of his situation, because he couldn't be back on this ship, HE COULDN'T! "Okay, Brook, let's be logical about this. You obviously just got hit my Kuma again… but didn't Lola-san get this ship?! Okay, it wasn't that! But obviously you didn't just dream up Luffy and Usopp-san and Lion-chan! You couldn't! You're not THAT creative… are you? But you couldn't dream for two whole years! … Could you? No, of course not! I saw so many places, made so many new songs, felt such joy, it HAD to be real… right? But dreams can be anything you want them to be… NO! I learned new things! You couldn't just make up that! If I can do them, then that's proof it was real!"

Brook leaned forward. "Behold! The improved 40° angle — oof!" Brook collapsed, his ligaments not stretched by a couple years of training anymore.

Dread welled up and almost choked Brook. "N-n-no matter! Witness the flying blade attack! Aubade Coup Droit!" Brook unsheathed his sword and thrust it forward. But the blade was dull after fifty years, and he was too stressed to be in the proper mindset to exceed his physical limits with the power of his Devil Fruit. There was no compressed blast of air.

Tears, snot, and drool began to leak from Brook's face. Horrible reality was settling in. He hadn't been found. He hadn't gained new nakama and had wonderful adventures. It was all a wild dream and he would wander alone and forgotten in this shadowy sea forever! And he couldn't go back to that! Not after he'd seen so much light, not after he'd _felt_ it! BUT THAT HADN'T EVEN HAPPENED, HAD IT?

His sanity about to crack, Brook made one last desperate attempt to vindicate his 'memories' or confirm that he was now truly mad. "My soul is not bound to this body! Bone, bone, BONE!"

It was impossible to properly describe the sensation. It was like transitioning from a sauna to a freezer. Except that he didn't feel it on his skin. Because he no longer had skin. Or even a body to pretend to feel it. Walls that were so strong and constant that he never even noticed them, assuming them to be a simple part of _being_ , vanished. He was left floating, adrift, a wisp in the wind, somehow both numb and freezing. His very essence had slipped free of the mortal form that anchored it to this reality.

And. It. Was. WONDERFUL!

"Yo… Yo… YOHOHOHO!" Brook burst into hysterics. "IT'S REAL, IT'S REAL! YOHOHOHO!" Brook sent his soul careening through the air, running into walls without fear for he just passed through them. "I REALLY LEARNED HOW TO DO THIS! YOHOHOHO!" Brook went through a couple loop-da-loops. "THAT MEANS I REALLY MET MY NEW CREW! YOHOHOHO!" Brook slipped back into his body, and leapt his height into the air. "SO LABOON REALLY IS ALIVE AND WELL AND WAITING! YOHOHOHO! YOHOHOHO!"

Brook laughed so hard he cried. Then he cried so hard he began to laugh. Then he ran his hands through his magnificent afro to feel it there and whole. Then he just laid out on the deck, spread-eagle, listening to the sounds of the ship he knew far too well.

"So… how did I get back here, hmm?" Brook reviewed his memories, which proved much easier and more effective now that he wasn't on the verge of a complete psychotic break. "We were running from the Marines… the Vegapunk man called us test subject… everyone passed out from sleeping gas…" Brook tried to recall anything before… well, if he had to describe it, he'd say it was like being yanked in a direction that didn't exist. "Ah, yes. 'Flux Capacitor Test #22, begin.'"

Brook wasn't exactly well versed in modern science. Nami and Usopp had tried to explain it to him whenever he asked, but they gave information based on basic things that he just didn't know. It was like trying to build a pyramid from the tip down, it just didn't work. Still, for some reason, the term 'flux capacitor' rang a bell…

"Where have I heard that… oh! It was when Usopp-san was reading a book to Chopper-san. About a man who had a machine that let him… travel through time."

Brook looked around at the second ship of the Rumbar Pirates, and then down at his body in the clothes he'd worn for half a century and happily replaced once the Longarms offered a new wardrobe. In what little light penetrated the eternal gloom and mist, it was still clear that Brook cast no shadow. He pulled on his hair, but his skull did not open like a lid.

"Well, that would certainly explain things. Seems like a bit less than five years. Now, what to do if it's true?" Brook briefly considered just waiting however long it took for Luffy and the gang to come and find him again.

The thought was enough to make him abandon his gentlemanly vocabulary in favor of something much more crude, but no less precise at conveying his thoughts.

"Fuck that noise."

Hmm, so what other options were there?

Well, Brook wanted to be reunited with his nakama as soon as possible. And it was his literal dying wish to be reunited with Laboon. When they'd first met, his crew had been too far along for him to ask them to just turn around (though Luffy _had_ considered returning to the East Blue shortly after he'd joined). But if he really was in the past and at the point he theorized, then they weren't even in the Grand Line yet. But then again, when they entered they would be right where Laboon was. Everyone he loved, together in one place.

Well, that certainly sounded like a good idea.

But first things first. In order to leave the Florian Triangle without dissolving into dust, he had to reclaim his shadow. Which meant he either had to get the Ryuma zombie to swallow salt, or beat Gekko Moriah into releasing the shadow.

The first option was definitely the easier of the two.

But Brook wasn't going to charge off this very second. As he recalled, Ryuma using his shadow was capable of defeating him with a fraction of his power. Most of the progress he had made over the two years had been the result of mental training, which in theory he already had. Still, he had to take care of a few things. Best not to run off half-cocked.

The next two days were dedicated to preparations for the battle.

The very first thing he did was go hunting through the ship galley to find all the powdered milk he could find. The stuff that had been fresh at the time of his death was moldy cheese by the time he found it fifty years ago, let alone by now. But powder kept forever, as long as it didn't get wet. And however clammy the surroundings were, the Rumbar Pirates hadn't been stupid enough to skimp on preserving and packing their supplies.

When he'd gathered all the usable packets he could find, he put them in a line next to an empty glass and then a pitcher of water he gathered from all the condensation. Then he disrobed.

Ridiculous as it was, Brook still felt naked without his clothes. It was a bit redundant; he didn't even _have_ a 'modesty' to preserve anymore, a fact that had made Luffy, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper, and Franky break down in sympathetic tears when they'd first realized. Even Zoro had frowned a little deeper. Robin had laughed her little laugh and Nami had rolled her eyes and muttered 'good riddance'. Nonetheless, Brook felt a sense of embarrassment and shame to be walking around in nothing but his pelvis.

Once the cloth was out of the way, Brook set about popping every single joint he had. Most he could just bend with his fingers, but some required complicated stretches to pull it _just_ so. It was highly disturbing on some level when he grabbed his own spine, but Brook pushed on to stretch and twist the gap between every single vertebra. By the time he'd gone from the sciatica to his neck, he was almost five inches taller.

He felt oddly drained once he was done, almost as if he'd pulled every muscle in his body, though of course he didn't have any muscles. A feeling that went away after he'd downed all the rehydrated calcium.

Brook, of course, had thought of the skull joke about his muscles, but he didn't acknowledge it. One of the many revelations he'd had over his two years of training was that his little 'coping mechanism' was actually one of the biggest things holding him back. Whenever confronted with the reality of his unnatural form, he'd deflected it with humor. But only by truly accepting it could he reach his true potential.

Something he strived to do in the mediation he did after he'd recovered from limbering up his body. "Your body is not sustained by muscles, organs, or nutrients anymore. The only thing that animates you is the power of your soul, amplified by your Devil Fruit," he lectured to himself. He took a breath and paused. "You think you actually breathed just now? No. You have no lungs to absorb the oxygen, no diaphragm to expand or contract them, no nose or mouth to direct the air flow, no brain to control the action. But you _think_ you should breathe, and so your soul bent reality to move the air, draw it within, and absorb it into itself. The same way your soul absorbs food and somehow produces a waste product. And the only reason your soul does this is because, on some level, you still believe you are alive. You still believe you have a body, and that your body should behave and work how a body should. This is an illusion; one you must learn to transcend.

"You don't have to be tired, for fatigue is caused by the accumulation of tears and toxins within your muscles. Which you don't have. You don't have to be slow, for speed is determined by how quick your muscles and tendons can flex. Which you don't have. You don't have to be weak, for strength is nothing but the size and density of your muscles. Which. You. Don't. Have. All you have is your soul. Your spirit. Your _will_. If you believe it, if you accept it, if you _know_ it, you can be invincible."

Brook pointedly did not inhale, though it had been minutes since he had. "You have to let it all go, Brook. Fear. Doubt. And disbelief. Free your mind."

Once he had reclaimed the Zen and perception that had made him worthy of the New World, Brook went down into the deepest part of the ship. He looked upon the coffins that contained the bodies of his first crew, the ones who had laughed, fought, and played beautiful music with him when he was a flesh and blood man.

"Forgive me," he pleaded into the air. Then, one by one, he began prying open the coffins.

He'd buried each of them with their instrument of choice, their weapon, and any personal effects they'd kept on the ship. It took seventeen tries before Brook finally found what he was looking for, tucked beside the ribcage of the crew's cellist: a whetstone. He muttered another apology, then spent the time needed to reseal each coffin he'd desecrated tirelessly and without complaint.

After carefully sharpening his blade back to the razor-edge it was meant to have instead of being barely sharper than a dinner knife, he went through the forms the Assault Squad of his kingdom had instilled in him before he decided on the life of a pirate. When he had completed every attack he knew to his standards, he turned to the sea. Reaching into the depths of his soul, Brook focused on the otherworldly chill he always felt when his soul left his body, the chill that had plagued him for a year as he'd searched in vain for his own corpse.

Then he harnessed it.

"Eisbahn!" Moving faster than most could see, Brook drew his sword and slashed down at the water, returning his blade to its hiding place in his cane in the same movement. Before his eyes, the water he'd aimed for froze, becoming a sheet of ice. It soon floated away, and Brook was struck by the odd feeling that he might have altered the entire future with that one miniature iceberg.

Solitary confinement was already getting to him, it seemed.

His body put through its paces, his mind in the proper state, and his sword made as deadly as possible, there was only one thing left to do.

Brook lowered the makeshift pail into the ocean, then pulled it up. With great difficulty, given how much moisture there was in the air and the kindling, Brook started up a fire in the ship's stove. It took a long time to build it up strong enough, but eventually the saltwater began to bubble. There was really nothing Brook could do to speed this along, so he decided to pass the time by writing a song. Something that captured the spirit of his nakama and their never-ending adventure.

A big opening, something that grabbed your attention from the first note. Brook imagined trumpets, drums, maybe some keyboard, with a guitar solo to lead from the first chorus into the actual song. Now, for lyrics. "Let's go Shining! Running! Forever! / We have been moving forward before / I'm sure that our bonds will never have to change / The "dream's end" shines so brightly / Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up heart beat! / We are the one! Go 'head!"

In Brook's day, songs told stories and were basically poems set to music. These days, a 4-chord progression and some vaguely meaningful gibberish was all it took to have a hit. Brook tried to bridge the two, but in order to get a tour that would bring him to Sabaody, he'd had to compromise more than he would like.

By the time all the water had evaporated, Brook had finished what he was pretty sure was a bestseller. Hmm, would he be able to sell music again? If he stopped Keimi-chan from being kidnapped, Luffy would never punch the Celestial Dragon, which would mean that Kizaru and Kuma wouldn't come, which means the crew wouldn't be separated… But then how would they get strong enough for the New World? And what would happen to those poor Satan worshippers being terrorized by the Longarm Tribe?

Eh, a worry for another day.

Brook allowed himself to have air so he could blow out the flame. He looked in the pot and noticed a rim of salt at the bottom. Since he didn't have to worry about burns, he gathered it up and poured it into a little pouch he'd fashioned.

As prepared as he could be, Brook stepped out on deck and began to _listen_.

He'd always had a prodigious sense of hearing. He'd been blessed with perfect pitch, and he had trained himself to be able to identify any tune even if it was through a wall. He'd been forced to exercise it quite a bit while working with his band, or maybe it was more accurate to say he regained what he'd lost over fifty years of hearing nothing but his own voice. It got to the point that, if he concentrated, he imagined he could hear a person's heartbeat. This, combined with his ability to sense people's souls once he embraced his Devil Fruit powers, meant that he could find anyone as long as they were within a reasonable distance… on a map.

It wasn't until after they'd left Dressrosa and he'd been having a discussion with Luffy and Zoro that it occurred to Brook that he might have some form of Observation Haki. Indeed, it might even be enhanced by his ability, the way Enel had used electromagnetism to elevate his 'Mantra'.

The point was that Brook was able to detect the faintest whisper of " _Yohohoho_ ", and he leapt from the ship and began running in that direction without any doubt.

He eventually reached the outer rim of Thriller Bark. It took a while to go around and find the entrance, but once he did he made straight for the transplanted island from his native Blue. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, and a big ruckus might attract the attention of Moriah and his officers, Brook stopped running once he cleared the land moat and reached the forest.

Moving with all the stealth he was capable, and desperately trying to clamp down the irrational fear he felt whenever he saw a zombie, Brook made his way to the castle. After a full minute straining his hearing (not his ears, for he had none and it was limiting to think otherwise), he managed to pinpoint the laugh that both was and wasn't his. As if it were fate, the zombie was in the same tower that they'd had their final confrontation, though technically this would be the 'first'.

Brook frowned. The castle was buzzing with activity. He didn't have enough salt to purify every zombie that got in his way. He had to make it straight for Ryuma. But how to get there? It wasn't like he could run up…

… Or could he?

Going with his gut, a habit he'd picked up from Luffy, Brook ran straight for the wall of the castle. Then he put his foot on the stone and shifted direction. Brook began to make his way up the wall, in defiance of gravity. In his wake, he left little spots of ice, each step he made freezing the water in the air around his shoe and adhering him to the surface, before he broke free to make the next.

In short order, Brook had entered the tower from its highest window. He stepped out into the open room, his sword already drawn. The room's other occupant turned to regard him.

"Oh? Who are you? You seem quite frightening, even for this place! Yohohoho!"

Brook kept an ironclad grip on his feelings, keeping himself as cold as the Underworld he had escaped. "I have come to take back what is mine."

The zombie tilted its head. Its white hair was tied in a top-knot, its face mostly covered by bandages. Its mouth was partially hidden by a large blue scarf wrapped around him. The desiccated body all but vanished into the folds of the white gi. A blue haramaki with a wave design wrapped around its waist, with a sword tucked into it at the right hip. It's brown, wrinkled feet wore geta sandals. And beneath those feet lay a pool of darkness that was not its own.

"Ah! One of those. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you with that. You see, it's _my_ shadow now. So it's best if you just walk away now and learn to live without it."

Brook narrowed his eye sockets, an act that spoke more to the sheer game-breaking nature of his Fruit than the flexibility of his skull. "I wasn't planning on asking."

The zombie laughed with a throat dry as dust. "Yohohoho! So that's how it is?" The body of Ryuma of Wano Country drew its sword. "I can't kill you, that would just make your shadow disappear. But I'm sure I can knock you around a little to teach you a lesson."

Brook made no response. There was no honor in taunting one's opponent.

Sedately, the two began to walk towards each other. Nothing in their posture or gait suggested hostility. As they passed each other, they each began to sheathe their blades. Once they were both three meters from each other, they stopped.

"Hanauta Sancho…" Ryuma stated, sliding his sword fully in with a click. "Yahazu Giri (Three-Verse Humming: Arrow Notch Slash)!"

"Kasuriuta…" Brook called, surprising his enemy. The skeleton smoothly turned his sword back into a cane. "Fubuki Giri (Pastoral Song: Blizzard Slash)!"

A beat.

Brook seemed unharmed.

Ryuma seemed to split in two, before ice formed from nothing to hold him back together. He collapsed to the ground, the ice spreading until nothing but his head was free.

The zombie looked up in horror and disbelief. "What? How did you do that?! I know everything you know, you shouldn't be able to do anything like this!"

Brook declined to answer. "The cold you feel is the Chill of the Underworld," he intoned. He knelt down and dumped his pouch's contents into his enemy's gaping mouth. "Return to its embrace and leave this world to the living."

The samurai coughed around the shadow that began to leak out its mouth. "Like you're… one to talk…" it managed before becoming nothing but a cadaver.

Brook breathed deep the smell of death and decay that pervaded the castle. He reached up to straighten the silk of his neckerchief, savoring the smoothness. He looked down and watched as his outline reattached to his feet and a sense of completeness suffused him. And he felt warmth fill his breast as he thought of the friends he would soon see again.

"I'm alive in every way that matters."

* * *

_At the Twin Capes_

"… And that's pretty much it," Brook explained, after he'd recovered from the dogpile of Straw Hat Pirates that had launched at him after he'd revealed himself. "I mean, there was the part where I scaled the Red Line and ran along it until I finally reached Reverse Mountain, but that wasn't really that interesting. Most boring two weeks of my life. I came down, met Laboon, got him to recognize me, played the Tone Dial, and ever since I've been living here waiting for you." Brook turned to Luffy and lifted his hat. "Many thanks for your message in the newspaper, Luffy-san. It put to rest many of my fears. I was worried that should I have met you again this early, you would not want me on the crew."

Luffy laughed at the absurdity. "Shishishishi! Brook, I wanted a musician since I set out! Before I met Zoro, even! Old me would have taken you along in a heartbeat!"

"Oh, that makes my heart flutter. Except my heart can't flutter. Since I don't have one! Skull joke! Yohohoho!"

Usopp was all but hopping with glee. "Man, I can't tell you how much I missed those! Great to have you back, Brook!"

Kaya stood awkwardly behind her boyfriend. "I'll be perfectly honest, the sight of you terrifies me. But Usopp-kun likes you, so I'll try my best to get used to it."

Brook looked down from his nine feet to regard the petite blonde. "Oh, I don't believe we've met!" He stepped forward and leaned down so they were face to face. "Excuse me, but may I see your –"

Brook was interrupted by the sound of a slingshot being drawn. Based on the tone of the powder grains shifting within it, the musician guessed that the 'star' was of the incendiary variety. Also, by the position and timing of the elastic, he reasoned the sniper was aiming at his head, or rather his hair. And the soul of the girl he was about to proposition suddenly reached a raw frigidity that made the winds of the afterlife seem like a Summer Island heat wave. Yet her smile did not waver.

Brook gulped. "Never mind."

He backed slowly away from the girl, whom tucked her head beneath Usopp's in a very telling way. The look in his nakama's eyes might as well have come with subtitles. "She's off-limits." Not that Brook would have followed through even if she weren't involved with the long-nosed boy. He had _some_ self-preservation instinct.

He turned his attention on the other woman on board the ship he didn't recognize. She really was quite lovely, and wasn't obviously recoiling at him. "Ah, miss! I haven't had the pleasure of your acquaintance either!"

She offered a weak grin. "I'm Alvida. Um, nice to meet you, Brook-san."

"Nice to meet you too, Alvida-san!" Brook leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. "Beg your pardon, but may I see your panties?"

Her face went red as a tomato. "Uh… I mean, I want to do more kind deeds. Still, I'm not sure if that's appropriate. Or am I just being selfish?"

Brook was surprised. She hadn't immediately said no! That was almost as good as Shakki-san telling him the color of hers!

Before Alvida could decide, Sanji answered for her. "Of course she won't, you imbecile! The lovely Alvida-swama would never expose herself for a pervert like you! Shitty pervert! Shit, shit, shit!" Each expletive was accompanied by a kick.

"Yohohoho!" Brook laughed off the assault. He turned to the navigator of the crew. "Nami-san, I don't suppose…"

"All cash, exact charge, no checks or credit," she replied with a straight face.

The tallest member of the crew heaved a sigh. "Oh, well."

The Armada had stayed quiet up to that point, pacified by the fact that the core crew seemed to recognize the monster and that they were obviously deep in conversation. But there was only so long one could leave the elephant in the room unattended.

"Um, Don?" called Pearl, who was crouching so he was all but hidden from sight by his breastplate. "Care to introduce us to your… friend?"

Luffy suddenly remembered that he had more than just the one crew. "Oh, right." Luffy hopped onto his special seat and waved an arm at Brook. "Everyone, meet Brook! My personal musician, joining us ahead of schedule!"

Jango cleared his throat. "And exactly how is this weirdo a walking, talking skeleton?"

"Devil Fruit," was the deadpan response of the whole core Straw Hat crew, and half the Buggy Pirates.

Zeff narrowed his eyes. "Nothing to cook. Though maybe bone marrow soup…"

Carne side-eyed his boss. "I'm not sure that counts as cannibalism, but you _do_ know you're assessing a member of Luffy-sama's crew, right?"

"Yes, I do. The same way I know that the Zestrich's eggs would make a damn fine omelet. One has to think about these things. Never know when you'll run out of supplies and have to get creative on this wide ocean."

A certain emergency food supply three islands away felt his fur stand on end.

The crew were distracted from the member of the undead whom was apparently on their side by the door of the cottage opening. From the darkness within emerged a curious individual. He was old, at least in his late 60s, as evidenced by the white of his beard and the wrinkles of his face. He wore a colorful tropical shirt and khaki shorts. A scar stood out at his left elbow. Curiously, live flower petals seemed to be growing in a semicircle out of his head.

He regarded them all with a distant stare behind simple lenses. A great many of the men felt their hearts begin to race. Something was just… off about this guy. The way he glared at them, as if he were deciding whether or not to kill them, like they were invaders, like they were bugs to be crushed at his leisure. It was most disquieting.

He stared.

And stared.

And _stared_.

Until…

He plopped his ass down in a lounge chair and opened the paper.

"SAY SOMETHING, DAMN IT!"

The man looked up from the paper, looking vaguely annoyed.

One of the jumpier members of the Buggy crew spoke up. "Oi! Don't you look at us like that! Cause we have cannons, and we're not afraid to use them!"

The man's eyes widened and hardened, locking his gaze on the man and the ship he was on. Said loudmouth's nakama nearly soiled themselves from the intensity of the glower.

He stared.

And stared.

And _stared_.

Until…

"Don't. Or someone will die."

The Buggy crew not-so-subtly reached for their weapons. The guy who'd started this mess swallowed and reached for what little bravado he could muster. "Yeah? Who'd that be?"

"Me, of course."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" roared the clowns.

One among the Black Cats decided that some feline grace and poise was in order. "Pardon me, sir? But could you tell us who you are and where we are?"

The stranger shifted his eyes towards the Black Bezan, and every one of her crew felt like they lost one of their nine lives from the look alone.

He stared.

And stared.

And _stared_.

Until…

"If you want something from someone, it's proper manners to introduce yourself."

The feline peon gulped. "My bad. Let's see, my name is Jiji and…"

"I am Crocus. I am Keeper of the Twin Capes Lighthouse. I am 71 years old, Gemini, blood type AB, or XF if you prefer…"

"Let me at him!" yowled the catty pirate, held back from scratching the man to shreds by his comrades.

"And you want to know where you are? I should think that would be obvious. Do you think this is a rat's stomach?"

Those who'd been in denial over the fact they'd been eaten promptly lost their shit. But they don't deserve the screen time to describe it.

Gin narrowed his eyes and eyed the 'sky' above them. "If this is a whale's stomach, how come it looks like the outside?"

He stared.

And stared.

And _stared_.

Until –

"WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?!" howled 90% of the Armada.

Luffy laughed. He hadn't been around for this last time. "Shishishishi! Can't you guys appreciate a good running gag?"

"THAT WAS A GAG?!"

Crocus inclined his head at Luffy. "The brat with the hat has a good sense of humor." He flicked his eyes back to Gin. "And call it an old man's pastime."

Buggy had dreaded his childhood nickname returning, but he was starting to feel put out that he'd been ignored this long. "Hey! Crocus-sensei! Do you remember me?"

He stared.

And stared.

And… aw, screw it, it's not funny anymore.

"Hmm. Oh yes, weren't you one of the ankle-biters on that ship I worked on a few years back? Liked knives and treasure? Had a crush on that other red-haired kid?"

Buggy felt like the ground dropped out beneath him.

… Oh wait, that was just him falling to pieces.

He kept his head afloat to scream his lungs out at Crocus (which didn't really make sense; his lungs were no longer connected to his mouth, so he shouldn't have any air to vibrate his vocal chords).

"ARE YOU **-CENSORED-** KIDDING ME?! **-CENSORED-** YOU, OLD **-CENSORED- -CENSORED-** MAN! I DID _NOT_ **-CENSORED-** THAT **-CENSORED FOR A FULL MINUTE-** SHANKS! I HOPE HE **-CENSORED-** DIES IN **-CENSORED FOR GRAPHIC VIOLENCE-** AND **-CENSORED FOR DISTURBING IMAGERY-** WHILE I - **CENSORED FOR YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW-** AND IT WILL BE THE MOST DELICIOUS SOUP I WILL EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE!"

Even the _whale_ was shocked into silence. And he didn't even hear it.

"… Damn," muttered Zoro.

Gaimon hesitantly brought down his hands from where they'd been guarding the Queen Den Den Mushi's ears.

"I only heard half of that and I'm still as appalled as I am impressed," commented Kadoo.

"I am suddenly glad I am no good with this language." Patty only nodded and patted Myassa on the back.

Siam raised a shaking hand. "Captain? Permission to be hypnotized into getting those disgusting images wiped from my brain?"

"You read my mind. I was about to do it to myself. Anyone else want to join in?"

95 hands went up in the air.

"And I thought _Hawk-Eyes_ was cruel…" marveled Gin at his own naïveté.

Crocus hadn't even blinked. "Sorry. My mistake."

That, more than anything, proved he was a veteran of the New World.

The dazed moment of silence left in the wake of Buggy's crimes against decency, the spoken word, and pretty much the entire human race to the thirteenth generation (with dishonorable mentions given to the Minks, the Giants, and the Fishpeople and Merpeople) was broken by the sound of a door slamming open.

A steel door, incongruously set in the middle of the 'horizon', burst open to reveal a male Jessie and female James, sans Meowth. They raised identical bazookas and called out "Bye Bye Baby!"

Before they could fire, a force as mysterious and undeniable as gravity swept through the stomach. Some of the weaker members of the Armada passed out, while most developed cold sweats. A precious few remained unaffected. And the two strangers fell over the edge of the platform they'd stood on, foaming at the mouth, their weapons falling from limp fingers into the sea of chloride-based acid to eventually dissolve. Before the two could suffer the same fate, two hands stretched out to grab them from midair and drag them to the deck of the Going Merry. They did not have a gentle landing, but Luffy didn't seem to care.

The stretchy pirate turned to Crocus. "Sorry about that! We'll deal with these two. Mind letting us all out? I don't want my ships to get digested!"

Crocus regarded Luffy silently. Were one especially gifted at lip reading, they might have made out "What is with that hat?" Then he got out of his chair. "You're cutting into my vacation time, but fine."

In short order, the Armada were sailing through a tunnel that, if Crocus was to believed, he had carved himself through the innards of the whale. Who was named Laboon, by the way, and was considered a nakama in full, not just a pet, of the skeleton musician. Crocus fielded all questions with little complaint while the Straw Hats had their own discussion.

"It was quite a shock to see how big he had grown. I heard that Island Whales never stop growing, but the last time I saw him he was barely big enough for me to ride him."

"Yeah, I'm fairly certain he's the biggest living thing we've ever seen," Nami mused. "I mean, you could lose the Merry in his _pupil_ , for inflation's sake."

"Eh. I don't know. That turtle thing that showed up before Jaya was pretty huge," Usopp argued back.

"Surume was only about as big as that Oz bastard, but with his arms he felt bigger. Since he could move all around," Luffy chimed in. "Hey, who'd win in a fight, Laboon or that goldfish at Little Garden?"

The two most 'normal' members of the crew felt their blood freeze. "Let's _not_ find out," they both stated firmly.

Luffy pouted. "Aw, come on, it would be awesome to watch!"

Brook hid a sweatdrop. "Um, Luffy-san? I'd rather Laboon not fight at all. I mean, I'm sure he can take care of himself, but he's been… hurting himself for decades because I couldn't keep my promise to him. I don't want him to suffer any more pain."

Luffy frowned, but he nodded.

In short order, the Armada was back in natural sunlight, and Crocus stayed back to reseal the hatch in his patient's side. At Luffy's command, everyone docked at the Lighthouses. They'd have a victory dinner, get some rest, and set out in the morning. Same as last time, just with a _lot_ more people.

Sanji paused before he entered the galley. "Listen to me now, shitty gomu. Eat every bite of the Elephant Tuna again before the ladies can have a taste, and we will have _words_."

Luffy shrugged. "Can't be any worse than the ones Gramps had with me, but sure. I'll eat slowly. Though I thought you guys actually liked it better when I gorged myself. You all give me weird looks when we eat now."

Sanji opened his mouth respond, then he closed it. "There's no winning with you," he muttered darkly before going inside to cook.

While everyone who wasn't cooking was just lounging, trying to relax after a very, _very_ long day, Brook noticed Laboon looking at him. Since it required significant effort to align his head to 'look' at anyone, Laboon wouldn't go to the trouble for just anything.

Brook chuckled. "Okay, dear friend. It _has_ been a while since the last time."

The revenant walked into Crocus's house and emerged with a violin and bow. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a white conch shell. He offered it to Luffy, who took it with a grin. Then, when he'd gotten his instrument in position and laid the horsehair to the strings in preparation, Brook nodded.

With care, Luffy clicked the button on the Tone Dial.

Cheerful piano and strings began to emit from the shell, the quality of the recording such that it was like there were an invisible orchestra there on the cape. Brook easily matched pace, adding a vibrant countermelody to the music.

Buggy snapped his fingers. "Now I remember! This is that old shanty! Captain Roger loved it." The clown's face shifted as if he'd been forced to swallow excrement. "So did _Shanks_ ," he hissed.

Luffy carefully set the Dial on the ground before issuing a decree. "Everyone! Time to get this party started! If you know the words, sing along! If you don't, dance and clap! This is the anthem of pirates like us!"

Brook only smiled and broke out into song.

" _Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo  
Umikaze kimakase namimakase  
Shio no mukou de, yuuhi mo sawagu  
Sora nya wa wo kaku, tori no uta_

_Sayonara minato, Tsumugi no sato yo  
DON to icchou utao, funade no uta  
Kinpa-ginpa mo shibuki ni kaete  
Oretacha yuku zo, umi no kagiri"_

Laboon was bobbing up and down in the water, sending waves that crashed against the cliffs and soaked a few of the men near the edge. But the crinkle of his eye and the wide smile on his face made it clear he was happy as a clam. The sheer emotion and mastery of his craft that Brook and the memory of his crew put into every note had everyone on their feet. Barely a third of the men were actually singing along, but Luffy's boisterous, if toneless, tenor carried enough wait for all of them.

" _Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo  
Warera kaizoku, umi watteku  
Nami wo makura ni, negura wa fune yo  
Ho ni hata ni ketateru wa dokuro_

_Arashi ga kita zo, senri no sora ni  
Nami ga odoru yo, DORAMU narase  
Okubyoukaze ni fukarerya saigo  
Asu no asahi ga nai ja nashi_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!"_

The music died down to a solo, and as if on cue, everyone quieted down to let Brook take center stage.

" _Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo  
Kyou ka asu ka to yoi no yume  
Te wo furu kage ni, mou aenai yo  
Nani wo kuyokuyo, asu mo tsukuyo_"

The tone became cheery again and Luffy brought everyone roaring back in for the finale.

" _Binkusu no sake wo, todoke ni yuku yo  
DON to icchou utao, unaba no uta  
Douse dare demo itsuka wa hone yo  
Hatenashi, atenashi, waraibanashi_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_

_Yohohoho, Yohohoho!_ "

Everyone started to cheer, their spirits uplifted and bodies energized as if they'd been exposed to some kind of drug. And despite their deafening volume, there was no word for the sounds coming from Laboon other that squeals. Many clamored for an encore, and Brook was happy to oblige. He did it without the Tone Dial, so others improvised their own instruments from random junk. It was much less refined, but it was somehow more _real_.

Luffy walked away from the heart of the revelry to the edge of the cliff. He looked up at Laboon, and the captain _felt_ when he got the whale's attention.

"Last time Brook left, he and his crew left you behind because you were still too small. Now, he's going to come with us. And you're no longer a child." Luffy grinned. "Laboon, would you like to come with us as we cross the Grand Line?"

The whale reared back and roared his approval.

" **BWOOOH!** "

Luffy nodded. Then he cocked his head. "Huh. How are we going to get the jolly roger on you? If I do it, it'll suck. But I'm the only one who can stretch to reach you…"

In the middle of all the (thankfully sober, though that would be taken care of soon) shenanigans, the two would-be whalers awoke from their induced slumber.

The tried to stretch, only to find they were wrapped in rope. With some very impressive knot work, but that was lost on them.

"What's going on, Mr.9?"

"I don't know, Miss Wednesday. The last I remember was getting ready to shoot the whale's stomach."

"Yeah, about that," called out a strong female voice. They looked up to see a woman wearing naught but a bikini and jeans, her garnet locks flowing to her waist. "Our captain likes this whale. And he hates people who won't face people in a straight fight. Not a fair fight, but at least going head-to-head instead of using poison or sneaking around. He wasn't going to let you perforate him from the inside."

Miss Wednesday, thinking fast, tried to play the sympathy card. "Please, you don't understand! Our town is having a food shortage. People are starving to death, with no idea what to do. This whale would feed everyone for two years at least! That whale is the salvation of Whiskey Peak, would you condemn over a hundred innocent people to death for some animal?"

The woman rolled her eyes. "Tell it to someone who cares, sweetheart. Besides, 'innocent' is a strong word to use around Whiskey Peak. What with it being a bounty trap run by Baroque Works and all."

The two Frontier Agents were gobsmacked. These rookies knew about their organization?!

Mr.9 tested his bindings nervously. "If you know who we are, what exactly are you planning to do with us?"

Their captor raised a brow. "Isn't it obvious? You're our hostages."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

**That's the Reverse Mountain arc done, and the second half of 'chapter' 11. Some patience and I could have put them together… though I do so love to mess with you all. Besides, were it not for my decision to split it in two, I would not have upstaged my so-called 'eternal rival' (you know who you are ;p).**

**Every single time I hear the original Binks' Sake, I start to cry. I'm not even kidding. I didn't even learn the lyrics and the translation until a year ago. But every time since I first finished the Thriller Bark arc of the anime, that damn song has been hardwired to my tear ducts.**

**To those who didn't appreciate the Japanese, here's the Funimation lyrics:**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho  
Yohohoho, yohohoho**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho**

**Gather up all of the crew, it's time to ship out Binks' brew.  
Sea wind blows, to where, who knows? The waves will be our guide.  
O'er across the ocean's tide. Rays of sunshine far and wide.  
Birds they sing, of cheerful things, in circles passing by.**

**Bid farewell to weaver's town, say so long to port renowned.  
Sing a song, it won't be long, before we're casting off.  
Cross the gold and silver seas, a salty spray puts us at ease,  
Day and night, to our delight, the voyage never ends.**

**Gather up all of the crew, it's time to ship out Binks' brew.  
Pirates, we eternally are challenging the sea.  
With the waves to rest our heads, ship beneath us as our beds,  
hoisted high upon the mast, our jolly roger flies.**

**Somewhere in the endless sky, stormy winds are blowing by,  
waves are dancing, evening comes, it's time to sound the drums.  
But steady men, and never fear, tomorrow's skies are always clear.  
So pound your feet and clap your hands 'til sunny days return.**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho  
Yohohoho, yohohoho**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho**

**Gather up all of the crew, it's time to ship out Binks' brew.  
Wave goodbye, but don't you cry, our memories remain.  
Our days are but a passing dream, everlasting though they seem.  
Beneath the moon we'll meet again, the wind's our lullaby.**

**Gather up all of the crew, it's time to ship out Binks' brew.  
Sing a song, and play along for all the oceans wide.  
After all is said and done, you'll end up a skeleton,  
so spread your tale from dawn 'til dusk upon these foamy seas.**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho…**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho…  
Yohohoho, yohohoho…**

**Yohohoho, yohohoho…**

**And for the record, this is not a 'serious' update. Serious is over 10k words and covers an actual arc. This is my fourth 'eh' chapter after 6, 8, and 11.**

**Hope you all enjoyed. Eager to read your response.**

**And just to all Democrats, Independents, Republicans with common sense and everything in between in Florida, Illinois, Ohio, North Carolina, and/or Missouri, today's the day. The day you challenged the establishment to elect a once-in-a-lifetime leader, or the day you stood aside and allowed the uncaring machine to keep on doing business as usual.**

**Just saying.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Let us take a moment to celebrate the fact that the review count for this fic in now in the quadruple digits. In the words of London Tipton, YAY ME!**

**So, as those of you who actually read these A/Ns, the reviews and/or the TV Tropes page know, I am currently in a rivalry with Xomniac and by extension his beta's CV12Hornet and The Patient One. I thought it would be cute, the new kid on the block going up against what most hail as a masterpiece, but then they threw SO many curveballs at the conclusion of the Arabasta Arc that I am forced to acknowledge they are a worthy threat. And as such, it galls me that** **This Bites!** **has a quarter of my following. So, as the supplier of your creative nerd literary fix, I encourage you all to, if not give it a try, then just arbitrarily favorite it and spread the word. What's the harm, right?**

**Now, I've spent a great deal of time agonizing over the timeline of this fic. I made grand statements like '24 days' or 'three months', because of course the journey must be long if it's so action-packed. But then I actually tried to work it out and realized the events of most arcs occur IN ONE DAY. So now I'm juggling math and travel times trying to comply with what I've already said, and also working out what 'twists' would be feasible… Then I realized no one else is going to do the math and call me on it, or if they do they'll just be lost in the sea of praise for my 'ingenuity'. Still, I'm a man of my word, however much I strain it at times (Yes, I'm referring to the 'New Year' update incident). Therefore, expect some long breaks between islands that might not make sense.**

**On the subject of time, I realized in retrospect I made an error with the timing of Brook. See, I didn't remember the arc clearly, and I didn't have time to just rewatch it all, so I looked up Brook's history on the wiki and it said Brook confronted Ryuma "5 years ago." But evidently, it hadn't been edited to account for the timeskip. So, sorry for that little anachronism, and please forgive it.**

**And, to encourage people to look at the bold text instead of skipping right to the story, from now on I will finish them with an up-to-date count of the Armada crews and respective bounties. For record, the counts include all named captains and officers in the total. Exempli gratia:**

**Straw Hat: 9 (Laboon counts); 157,000,000 Beri**

**Buggy: 116 (Richie is here despite 'pet' status); 15,000,000 Beri**

**Black Cat: 97; 16,000,000 Beri**

**Don: 101; 17,000,000 Beri**

**Baratie: 30; ?**

**Pets: 21 (including Gaimon and Queen); 0 Beri**

**Total: 374; 205,000,000 Beri**

**P.S. To those who play City 2048, I recently reached level 17. Felt like bragging. To those who don't, that's the 262,144 tile. Boom.**

* * *

The party really was something. Once the men had time to recover from the fact that, yes, they had technically been _eaten_ , they realized that they were now in the Grand Line. All their training and preparations had come to fruition, and they were finally there. It was both a celebration of all that had led them to that point, and the kick-off for the start of a whole new journey.

Several things happened during that party.

* * *

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Brook exclaimed. He ran over to Crocus's houseboat and emerged carrying a familiar black sheathe. "I grabbed this for you, Zoro-san! I remembered how much stronger you were once you got it."

Zoro grinned like a shark as he felt the heavy weight of Shusui in in hands. "Welcome back," he muttered. After thanking Brook, Zoro reached down to belt the sword only to realize his dilemma. "Huh. Right. Well, I suppose I could work on making a Yontouryu… no, it wouldn't be ready any time soon. So, one of you has to go it seems." Zoro thought about it a second. He would die before losing Wado, and Sandai Kitetsu was too dangerous for anyone but him. "Yubashiri it is. At least you didn't have to die this time."

Zoro used Observation for a second, and walked over to Kaya. "Oi. You want a decent sword instead of that mass-produced junk?"

Kaya's mouth twisted into a moue of annoyance. "My father commissioned this sword. The blade is folded steel, gold filigree is laid into the handle, and it's perfectly balanced since the tang is nearly the full width of the blade."

Zoro winced, but didn't start to fear for his life. This was 'Daisy', not 'Mistress'. He'd learned to tell the difference for the sake of survival. It was like dealing with that Cavendish person. "Sorry. What I meant is would you like Yubashiri?"

Kaya regarded the katana for a moment before shaking her head. "No, thank you. Not my style. If I must get a better sword at one point, I'd prefer it be that elephant Zoan that horrendous leader of CP9 has. Usopp-kun made it sound so cute."

"Fair enough." Moving to the next candidate, Zoro found him holding his own sword in his teeth while balancing on his unicycle to the cheers of a crowd. "Cabaji!"

In an instant, the swordsman of the Buggy crew was at attention and his sword sheathed, his unicycle falling to the side behind him. "Yes, Zoro-sensei!"

Zoro felt a twinge of annoyance. He wanted them to respect him as a teacher, but most of his students' abject worship was just plain bothersome. Still, that was what you get when you claimed the title of World's Strongest Swordsman before their very eyes. Zoro held out the lacquered ebony of his lightest blade's sheathe. "Brook brought me one of my old swords, so I have one extra. You want it?"

A hush seemed to fall over their part of the party.

"Are you serious?" Cabaji asked, his eyes almost popping out of his head. The group that had been watching his antics had their jaws around their waists.

Zoro shrugged. "You're my best student. You deserve a decent sword. What, you don't want it?"

"No, no! If you think I'm worthy of it, I'll gladly take it." Cabaji reached out and practically snatched it. He then looked down at it in reverential wonder, actually falling to his knees. "This blade has drawn the blood of Mihawk. The best swordsman in all the world held it in his hand. And he saw fit to bestow it upon me. This is an immeasurable honor. I shall treasure it all my life, as will my sons, and their sons, and God willing, their sons throughout the ages. _This_ is my legacy."

One of the last beams of light from the setting sun seemed to fall upon the chief of staff. The men around him looked at him with awe, as if they were witnessing a miracle. They one and all bowed their heads, thanking their lucky stars that they were able to bask in this holiest of moments, this rare and priceless treasure, _the realization of a Man's Romance_.

Zoro's sweatdrop reached past his hair. "Riiiiiight. Where's the alcohol, again?"

* * *

Usopp adjusted the magnification on his goggles. "Okay, a little more to the left. You want it to be a gentle sweeping motion, alright, just a _gentle_ sweep. Careful of the angle!"

Luffy huffed and side-eyed his sniper. "Do we really have to keep working on it? It's recognizable, that's good enough, right?"

"Hey, you're the one that wanted to make him our official Mascot! People will see this image and associate it forever in their minds with the Straw Hat Armada. That's not something you half-ass. Besides, we've already been doing this for two hours, what's a few more minutes?"

Luffy looked longingly at the table Sanji had set up. "But the girls are eating all that cool Elephant Tuna! There's not going to be any left for me at this rate! C'mon, I'm hungry!"

Usopp got an evil glint in his eye. "Okay, sure, you can leave it like that. Just know that you'd be leaving your Jolly Roger, the pride and heart of our crew, behind. Just know that you'd have forever marred the face of one of our cherished nakama by leaving your work unfinished. What would Shanks think of you doing something like that to a friend, I wonder?"

Luffy had gone very still.

Usopp smiled victoriously. "So which will it be, Luffy? Your heart… or your stomach?"

Hat shadowed his face. His whole body quivered as two of his most fundamental desires clashed. His internal war made Marineford look like a classroom debate.

"Well played, Gatsby. Well played," Luffy ground out.

The third mate frowned. "Don't call me that. Only Kaya-chan gets to call me that."

"I could call you some of the other things she does, but Nami told me they're 'not appropriate for civilized conversation', whatever that means. Say, what _is_ a 'maso—"

"Wow, it's getting late, and our dinner's getting cold! What say we finish this up, huh?" Usopp interrupted, his soul all but floating out of his mouth as his captain almost asked him about _that_ part of his life.

Laboon just hummed, waiting for them to finish so the paint could dry and he could go get some food.

* * *

Gaimon oh so softly tried to coax the Queen to drink from a bottle. She looked a little better already, but years of neglect couldn't be undone in half a day. She looked ready to drop, even though she'd barely done anything. She hadn't had to even move since they'd gotten her. Deciding that maybe rest would be for the best, Gaimon pulled back the water. The party was getting a little loud, so he leaned in close to sing a lullaby he'd used on all the animals at one point.

"If I had words to make a day for you~" he crooned. "I'd sing you a morning, golden and true~" He gently petted her head. "I would make this day last for all time~" Her eyes were already starting to close. "Give you a night deep in moonshine~"

"That was beautiful."

Gaimon jumped, turning to see the freaky skeleton that the captain liked so much. Gaimon felt it easier to think of it as some sort of exotic creature than a true-blue member of the undead. He coughed, and tried to hide his blush. "It was nothing."

"No, I'm serious. You have a very nice voice, such a sweet timbre. And something about that song just speaks to you, you know? I could practically hear the orchestra swell. Or maybe a bass guitar and jazz organ. Oh, where are my manners? I am Brook, the musician. And who might you be?"

Gaimon regarded the 'hand' held out to him warily before leaning to grab it with his own immobilized one. "Gaimon, the zookeeper."

Brook gave a simple shake before retreating a step. "I must confess, I was a little scared to come talk to you, but I couldn't resist the music."

Gaimon raised a corner of his unibrow. " _I_ scared _you_?"

"Well, yes! I've never seen someone in a box. I keep waiting for you to jump out and attack or something!"

' _Oh, the irony_ ,' Gaimon thought.

A little ways away, Mohmoo was still shivering. He had the strongest reaction to being introduced to Laboon's digestive tract. He had sought out the Black Cat he'd been listening to earlier, who was currently patting his head.

"Hey, hey you guys! I think I'm his favorite!" Salem said to his buddies.

"I'll alert the media, Saberhagen," one of them deadpanned.

"IT'S PRONOUNCED 'MEED-YUH'!"

Meanwhile, the Kangaceros cub was in a bouncing contest with Tigephant beneath the watchful eye of his mother while the Bearpig ate honey between cowering at the tremors and the Rabowl tried to break up the foolishness in order to demonstrate the proper technique with the Donkpher watched morosely, making a whistling sound as it breathed through its gapped teeth.

In an alternate dimension, the sentient stuffed animals of a certain British schoolboy took a moment from playing in their hectare woodland to sneeze.

* * *

Nami finished the last bite of her filet. Say what you will about Sanji and his many, _many_ flaws, but the man could cook. Besides, this was a prime ingredient in the first place. She could almost forgive Luffy for eating it all to the bones last time. _Almost_.

"Hey, aren't we going to get anything?" whined a certain undercover princess.

Nami glanced at 'Miss Wednesday'. She loved Vivi, she really did, but she sure could be a bitch while she was in character. "You have water and rice, don't you?"

"That's not food! That's barely a snack!"

Though the closest thing to a saint that Nami was ever likely to meet in her lifetime, it would seem Vivi hadn't gone through a royal upbringing without becoming a _little_ spoiled. "Tough. That's all you're getting."

Though Sanji would probably whip up a five-course meal if she managed to ask him directly.

The Frontier Agent grit her teeth. "Cold, heartless bitch," she muttered.

"I'm not a cold, heartless bitch," Nami countered. "I'm _the_ cold, heartless bitch."

Mr. 9 spoke up. "Look, we're really not that valuable to our organization. We're barely above the bottom, to tell the truth. It's highly doubtful that they'll shell out anything for us. And if you're planning on using us as shields or something, you should know that Baroque Works thinks nothing of disposing of members to fulfill the mission. So, really, you'd be better off if you just let us go."

Nami gave him a flat look. "You'd still keep the bullets off us if they fire. And I think you're more valuable than you think. I'm pretty sure I can get a billion Beri for your little partner alone."

The acrobatic baseball enthusiast felt his whole body turn white. What kind of woman was this? "There's a special spot in Hell reserved just for you," he hissed.

"Yes, there is. It's called a 'throne'."

"Nami-san?"

Nami looked away from her horrified captives to look at Kaya. She tried not to jump. _She_ was the scariest girl on the crew. Not Kaya. Kaya was an amateur, a newcomer. She had no idea what Nami could dish out. She didn't bat an eye at the Monster Trio in a tantrum, she wasn't going to be cowed by some pampered slip of a girl.

De Nile ain't just a river in Arabasta.

"What is it?"

Kaya looked contrite. "Listen… I know that I've put you through a lot with my and Usopp-kun's, um, activities. And even though I paid you, it still feels like I've been taking advantage of you, and just being rude anyway. And now that Alvida-san has joined the crew, it just seems far too selfish of me to kick you all out for my sake. So I'd just like to inform you that I relinquish my, er, bedroom privileges. You will be able to go to bed whenever you want without fear or disgust. My sincerest apologies for all your discomfort up to this point."

"That's great!" Nami smiled, her tone grateful and bubbly. In the same voice, she asked "What's the real reason?"

Kaya's eyes slid closed with a smile, and her entire aura shifted. "I've decided to explore the thrills of exhibitionism and the fear of getting caught by defiling every other room and surface on MY ship. Once that wears off, I'll impose a ban so that we can only do it on islands. I figure if I deny my little boi and have him bottle it up, it will be even more fun when I allow him to let loose."

"Good for you," Nami replied, her face green but still smiling. ' _I had to ask. I never would have pegged Usopp as that kind of guy. Maybe she just bullied him into it._ '

"And just for the record, Nami-san, I want you to know that I am _not_ a bully. I discipline because I care."

Nami felt her blood run cold. How the— _This_ was the sniveling girl that couldn't bring herself to fire a gun at a man she thought had killed a friend and betrayed her?

"Love brings out the best in all of us, don't you think?" the former heiress said airily.

Well, that was all the confirmation she needed to never ever fall in love.

"In fact, a life without love is hardly worth living, I think."

Was that a threat?!

"But that's just my opinion." Taking pity on the navigator, Kaya turned to regard the hostages. "Are these two giving you any grief?"

Nami felt her mouth spread into a smile that would make the devil himself whimper like a puppy. Her schadenfreude senses were tingling. "Just a tad. And I'd much rather be enjoying the party. I _really_ need to unwind."

"Oh, you poor dear. I'll take over for you. Go have fun. I know I will."

Taking one last look at the faces of the Baroque Works agents rapidly turning blue, Nami walked away. 'Sorry, Vivi. Better you than me.'

"Now then," Kaya said sweetly. "Let's review the proper etiquette for being taken prisoner by pirates, shall we?"

The screams could not be heard above the noise of the party.

* * *

Zeff brought the loaded cracker up to his nose and breathed deeply. That done, he brought it to his mouth, where his highly trained and sensitive palate was flooded with salty, savory flavor. He chewed slowly and with consideration, until his saliva began to interfere with the flavor. After swallowing, he stroked his mustache, mentally reviewing every iota of the sensory experience. Finally, he let out of huff of defeat. "Damn it. I still can't figure it out. What _is_ that secret ingredient?"

Crocus smiled smugly. "That dies with me."

The two veterans were sitting to the side of all the hoopla, sharing a bowl of Crocus's special dip.

"So," Crocus spoke up. As the gatekeeper of the Grand Line, he met every pirate brave or foolish enough (or both) to tackle the world's most dangerous ocean. Some stuck out more than others. The captain who was also the cook that insisted on making him a feast as a show of respect had left a lasting good impression. "I was surprised to see you again. Piracy is a young man's game. What convinced you to come along on this cockamamie voyage?"

Zeff snorted. "Who you calling old? I've got another 100 years left in me at least. Besides, we're only as old as we feel, right?" Taking another bite of the exquisite spread, Zeff sighed. "In all seriousness, it was kind of decided for me. Brat managed to seduce all my men from under my nose. They probably would have jumped ship to follow him if I didn't agree to sail with him. And I figured between the three colors, a certain initial, mastery of the six powers _and_ a Paramecia, enough bases were covered that it wouldn't be total suicide. Then I watched that green-haired one beat Dracule. Anyone who can make someone on that level defer to their will is probably worth following, don't you think?"

"You don't say," Crocus mused. He glanced at the drinking swordsman. "I thought that hat looked familiar. How'd someone like that wind up in East Blue with no one hearing of them?"

Zeff frowned. "Believe me, I wonder that myself. There's something off about them. I even started to notice it with my blonde brat. But they don't seem to mean any ill, so I let it slide."

"Now that you mention it, the brat back from the dead seemed to know they were coming. And for the life of me I can't imagine how they could have ever met." Crocus snorted. "Maybe they're all from the future where they were already a crew in the New World."

Zeff snorted. "Yeah, right. You're getting senile, flower-eggplant."

Crocus shrugged. "Stranger things have happened."

"Um, Crocus-san?"

The lighthouse keeper turned to see one of the pirates from this 'armada' looking at him with confusion. He was wearing a very odd hat, with animal ears. Seriously, the things these kids wore nowadays. "What is it?" he asked gruffly.

"Well… you see…" the kid sputtered (he was actually probably late twenties, but they were all brats as far as he was concerned). "Captain Buggy recognized you… and you said you remember him from when you were on a ship and he was young…"

"Yes?" he drawled. He saw where this was going, but he got his kicks from drawing people out on a limb.

"Ah… the thing is… Captain Buggy was only on one other ship before he founded our crew."

"That so?"

"Yes. And, if you both know each other from 'that' time… that would mean _you_ were part of the crew on that ship too… right?"

"I guess it does."

Mohji gulped. "But then… wouldn't that mean… doesn't that make you…"

"Oh for the love of god, just spit it out you furry eggplant!" Zeff groaned.

A beat. "Were you part of Gold Roger's crew?"

Crocus… did not stare. "Yes, I was. Doctor. I just tagged along to find out what happened to Laboon's old crew, but that crazy bastard dragged me the rest of the way to the end of the Line."

Mohji nodded, a dazed expression on his face. Then all at once he seemed to reclaim himself and put his fingers in his mouth, giving a piercing whistle. "GUYS, IT'S TRUE!"

In an instant, the spectacled man was mobbed.

"WHAT DOES RAFTEL LOOK LIKE?"

"WERE YOU FRIENDS WITH THE 'DARK KING' RAYLEIGH?"

"CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!"

"Help me!" Crocus called out desperately, sticking out one arm above the crowd before it was lost as the mob all but abducted him to move him to the rest of his newfound fans deeper in the party.

"I could… but I won't." Zeff dipped a finger into the bowl of dip and sucked off the ambrosial condiment. "That's what you get for calling me old."

* * *

Gin, Jango, and Buggy sat in a circle, empty plates before them and their crews drunk and dancing around them.

Gin coughed.

Jango fiddled with his sunglasses.

Buggy adjusted his hat.

The 'awkward' level was over 9,000.

"So…" Jango offered, only to trail off into silence.

"Mhmm," Buggy hummed.

"Great party," Gin commented.

"Sure, yeah."

"Mhmm."

"Kinda reminds me of another party,"

"Well, I mean, you been to one pirate party, you've been to them all, right?"

"Mhmm."

"Actually I was thinking it was a bit like that party… in Cocoyashi."

"… Really?"

"Mhmm?"

"Man that was a wild night, wasn't it?"

"Oh, yeah! Things sure got… weird."

"Mhmm!"

"Yeah…"

The air was deader than the poor soul that told Big Mom she should go on a diet.

Gin sighed. "Look, about what we did that night—"

"What part of 'never talk about it ever again' did you not understand?" Jango screamed at whisper volume.

"I'm not listening to this. Nope, nope," Buggy stated, detaching his ears and tucking them in his pocket.

Gin grit his teeth. "Look! We _need_ to hash this out. We can't even look at each other. And that's only going to become a bigger and bigger problem from here on out. What happens if one of us is in danger and one of us can save them but we hesitate because of this damn elephant in the room? Let's just get our shit in order, okay? For the Armada."

Jango looked like he was being forced to eat a live goldfish, but he finally ground out "For the Armada," in reluctant agreement.

Buggy stood up. "I can't be here for this. Just talk into these." With that, the detachable man tossed them both one of his (living, still functioning) ears and vanished into the party.

Gin sighed and held the ear cupped in his hand while he spoke to Jango in hushed tones. "Look, we were all drunk. Let's just put that on the record, okay? We barely knew what we were doing."

Jango nodded. "Right, right! Booze makes you do weird stuff. And hell, I barely remember it!" The hypnotist had to hide a shiver, proving he was lying.

Gin decided to take pity on the clearly uncomfortable captain. "It's not like what we did was _gay_ or anything. There was a girl there."

"That's right! That. Is. Right. There _was_ a girl there. So it was all about her. We were just a couple of bros teaming up on a nice skank. That's all it was." Jango seemed to be searching for an open container.

"And even the parts where it… wasn't even her, that was just getting caught up in the moment. We were horny, we couldn't see straight, it was an accident."

"Yes, yes, it was an accident. So it doesn't count. And hey, she seemed to like it, so it was still just for the lady. Putting on a show, it meant nothing. Hehe, NOTHING!" Jango's face looked like a ripe cranberry.

"I HATE SHANKS!" they heard randomly from the crowd.

"Yes, Buggy, you didn't have a crush on that other guy. And that night doesn't make you any less of a man. And if it _maybe_ felt a _little_ good, well, that doesn't mean anything. It's supposed to. I mean, that's why guys who _are_ like that do it."

"Yeah, yeah, it was an involuntary response. Simple biology. Just a weird, weird, weird physical reaction." Jango was staring at his crotch as if it had betrayed him.

Gin was starting to wish he'd never brought this up. "And, hey, it's not like it was a crime. And if it was, who cares? We're pirates. We're fucking degenerates. Just some depraved souls free to do whatever they want. We party every night because we know each one might be our last. Got to seize every moment for what it's worth. So there's nothing wrong with something if we all enjoyed it. And we DID enjoy… 'that', right?"

"Well… I guess… it wasn't torture or anything," Jango managed.

"LIFE IS SUCH A JOY!"

"Right. So there's nothing to be ashamed of. It was just another fun night, nothing wrong with that, and we should all be okay with that. Cause we're pirates, and pirates have fun. All kinds of fun. Even… 'that' kind of fun and it's okay. We never have to have it again if we don't want, because we don't have to do anything we don't want, since we're pirates!"

"Hear, hear!"

"IT'S A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME! SAVVY?"

Gin breathed out. "So, we're all good?"

Jango bit his cheek, glanced at Gin, then off into the crowd, before sighing and looking like he dropped fifty pounds as he did so. "Fine, yeah, we're good."

"WE'RE ALL FLASHY BASTARDS!"

Gin nodded, glad that the issue was finally put to rest.

A beat.

The Devil Man blushed.

"Hypothetically… if we _did_ want to have 'that' kind of fun again someday…"

There was a crash somewhere, and some of the Buggy Pirates that still had their wits about them made sounds of distress.

Jango leaned away. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro. You do whatever you want, but I got a girlfriend, man."

There was a cackle from the same direction.

Gin gave his fellow captain a flat stare. "Is that what you call that poor girl you stalk? Seriously, if you want her to notice you, why don't you just hypnotize her or something?"

Jango adopted a wounded expression. "What do you take me for? I would never do that! It's unethical."

"Oh, but it's okay to give her amnesia so often you can set your watch to it?"

"… What she doesn't know won't hurt her?"

"Whatever, dude. So you're out. What about you, Buggy? Open to indulging in the hedonistic lifestyle of men at sea?"

Water spouted into the air, as if someone on their back gave a massive spit take.

Jango gaped. "Wait, you're serious? I mean, no judging, but I _never_ would have thought you were… 'that'."

Gin sighed. "Look, I don't know that I am. I just know I got no shot with Nami, Kaya is taken, the new girl is an unknown, and you apparently have 'dibs' on Kadoo. So what does that leave me?"

Jango tilted his head. "… You do have a point there."

"And what's that old pirate adage? 'Take what you can'?"

"Give nothing back, yeah. But that's about slack on the lines when pulling a ship into port. It just happens to be worded so it also reflects our general attitude."

"Whatever, man. Forget I said anything."

Gin got up and walked away. Once he was far enough away, he brought up the ear still in his hand to his lips. "Buggy. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It's just that… well… that night was the best I ever had. And I sort of can't stop thinking about the possibilities the power to detach 'things' affords. So if you ever feel open to having a little, ahem, 'fun'… I'll be waiting."

The ear turned vermillion. Not the rose quartz of the slightly embarrassed, or the tomato red of the mildly abashed. Vermillion: the color of carnal shame.

Gin let it go, and it floated off into the distance.

Gin took a deep breath, wondering if the last ten minutes had really just happened, and looked up at the sky. ' _Why do I get the sense that some unknowable, all-powerful being smoked crack when they decided to mess with my sex life?'_

Because… Wooooow! Hey buddy, we gotta get outta here, let's go run. Let's go fucking run. Let's run like we're fucking LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS! WHOO!

(A/N: No drugs were actually used in the writing of this scene.)

* * *

The day dawned bright and early. Luffy had woken up the men, spread out between the ships and the shore, fresh as a daisy like always. Men who had tiredly begun to prepare for a hangover workout didn't know whether to be pleased or terrified when their captain said "No training today, boys! We're going to have our hands full just getting to the first island in one piece. Shishishishi!"

The captain took a moment to talk to Crocus before they set out. "Hey, you sure you don't want to come along? We're not getting our doctor for like, three weeks, and Laboon's coming with us you know."

Crocus rolled his eyes. "I promised to look after the whale until the Rumbar Pirates returned. And they did. That's my duty done. And I'm too old to keep up with all you whippersnappers." A shadow seemed to pass over him. "Besides, if I went with you, I'd have fanboys."

Luffy shrugged. "Oh well, if you're sure. See you, flower guy."

"Beware the fanboys. BEWARE!" shouted the possessed ex-pirate.

Luffy stretched over to his special seat and gave the command. "Alright, everyone! Set sail! For Whiskey Peak!"

"AYE AYE!"

Brook waved teary-eyed at a submerging Laboon. "See you tonight, Laboon! Just follow the music! You'll be safer underwater, and we don't want you to terrify everyone who sees us, but I'll still miss you! This isn't 'goodbye', it's just 'see you later'! _Yohohoho, Yohohoho~!_ "

Sanji breathed deeply of his morning dose of nicotine. "I see serious separation anxiety in that shitty afro's future."

"Oh, so now you're psychic, you asymmetric chimney?" challenged Zoro.

"You want to get even uglier, scar face? Though I doubt it's even possible."

"Hmm, so you admit you're not strong enough to do it, dandelion hair?

"No, I'm saying you're so ass-backwards hideous the only wife you could possibly have would be blind. Probably deaf too, to deal with your shitty attitude, seaweed brain!"

"At least I'd have a wife, you philandering playboy. How many bastards do you have by now? Unless it's all an act and you're overcompensating to hide the fact you're a, what's the word, oh yeah, VIRGIN!"

"*Gasp* You take that back, sir!"

"Make me, VIRGIN!"

"That's rich coming from a guy who's never even LOOKED at a woman and whose most precious possessions are a trio of phallic instruments. One of which you carry in your MOUTH! How'd 'ya like that, huh? Guess you like 'swords' more than 'sheathes', huh?"

"See, I know you're trying to insult me, but all I hear is 'jealous virgin, jealous virgin'."

"You want to go, man, YOU WANT TO GO?!"

"Sure! I can take two minutes out of my day to KICK YOUR ASS!"

The two of them were chomping at the bit, ready to go at each other's throats.

A delicate cough was made into an elegant hand.

The pair froze.

"Zoro-san. I believe I told you two days ago that your injuries would not be fully healed for a week. You are under _doctor's orders_ not to engage in any strenuous activity in that time. While you might think otherwise, engaging in an honor duel with Sanji-san is, in my opinion, the very definition of 'strenuous activity'. And I _know_ you would not disrespect all the work I have done to aid your recovery by doing anything to exacerbate your wounds. Right?"

Zoro's hand twitched, aching to draw his blade. But after _she_ tilted her head, he conceded defeat and took his hand off. "No, no I wouldn't."

The 'nurse' nodded. She turned to her fellow blonde. "And Sanji-san? I wonder at you for provoking him when you knew he was banned from fighting. I really do."

Sanji's face turned bluer than his shirt. "Um… Kaya-sama… the thing is…"

Her smile widened. "Didn't you have some dishes to dry?"

Seizing the out with glee, Sanji all but teleported into the kitchen.

Her work done, Kaya went back over to Usopp and watched with fascination over his shoulder as he mixed chemicals to create one of his stars.

Off the side, Nami had a bemused expression on her face. "I honestly don't know if I'm bothered that she did it before I could, or glad that there's someone else on board who can diffuse those two… What is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be the sane one."

Zoro yawned. "Well, if I don't get to fight the swirly-brow, I think I'll take a little nap."

The navigator's hand reached out with a mind of its own. Zoro's movement was halted by her grip on his shoulder, which was such that she could have snapped his collarbone with a flex. He looked back over his shoulder, mildly annoyed, only to see a _very_ familiar orange aura around Nami.

"Oh, no you don't," she spat, a subsonic growl beneath each word. "Last time, you went into your stupid voluntary coma while the rest of us had to tackle New World level weather right out of the gate. You even had the gall to call us lazy when you woke up to see us exhausted on the deck, with no idea of what we had to go through. Dealing with the seasons changing within the same second, icebergs, tornadoes, everything short of a goddamn meteor shower or a rain of toads. Well, not this time. You are going to stay up and adjust the sails and run around like a decapitated chicken just like everybody else, or so help me I will raise your debt so high you'll be having yourself turned into the Marines for the bounty and having Luffy save you just so you can make a _dent_ in your weekly payment. Do. I. Make. My. Self. Clear?"

Zoro would deny it to his dying breath, but in that moment Nami _scared_ him.

"Yes."

Nami let go and was suddenly sunshine and roses. "Good! Get up in the crow's nest, you. We need to spot those icebergs, and you can just jump to the mast when you need to."

Zoro grumbled as he walked off. "Stupid, overreacting witch. How bad could it be?"

Nami watched him go, looked down at her hand bemusedly, before shrugging. "Eh, who am I kidding? My sanity was forfeit LONG ago."

Within minutes, the conflicting magnetic fields and climates of the first seven islands nearest Reverse Mountain showed themselves.

Pearl stuck out his tongue. "I can't believe it's snowing! I mean, just a minute ago it was all nice and warm."

Buggy was in the midst of a panic attack. "So it begins…" he hissed.

Myassa breathed deeply of the frosty air. "Ah. Reminds me of motherland."

"Blegh! What's so nice about snow? Don't you all realize that it's just frozen water? We're going to get wet! And cats hate getting wet!" Siam complained at the crew who were making snow angels.

"You're taking the costume thing a _bit_ too seriously, man," complained an underling.

Moe was following Nami's orders to the letter. But as his crew indulged in wintertime fun, he began to wish he could join in. "Hey, Nami-sensei! Remind me again why I'm not allowed to look up!"

The sound of a bullhorn screeching as it turned on disrupted the cheery atmosphere. "BECAUSE COMMON SENSE HAS ABANDONED US ALL TO THE WHIMS OF CHAOS, THAT'S WHY! COMPASSES DON'T WORK HERE, AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO LANDMARKS AROUND. THE ONLY THING LETTING YOU KNOW YOUR SHIP HASN'T BEEN TURNED A FULL 180° IS THAT LITTLE NEEDLE IN THE ORB YOU'RE HOLDING. THE MOMENT YOU TAKE YOUR ATTENTION OFF IT IS THE MOMENT YOU, YOUR CREW, AND YOUR ENTIRE SHIP RUN SHIT OUT OF LUCK! THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU! I DON'T CARE IF IT STARTS RAINING CANDY OR A TOPLESS MERMAID WASHES UP ON DECK! YOU _WILL_ KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE LOG POSE!"

"Yes, Nami-sensei!" called out her terrified students.

Kaya walked up next to Nami, whom despite the weather was still in her usual minimal attire. "Are you sure you aren't going a little overboard, Nami-san?" The heiress took a sip of her morning coffee, looking downright adorable in her earmuffs and puffy coat.

Nami eyed the warm beverage with envy. But she knew that she soon would have no spare time to make it, let alone drink it. "Ask me that again in ten minutes." Nami called out behind her. "Oi, butterfingers! Since you're so weak, you're only job is to work the helm. So don't mess it up, got it?"

"Got it, Nami-san," replied Alvida meekly. There had been an _incident_ earlier that involved an overly helpful Alvida who hadn't gotten the hang of her powers and about 60% of the china onboard. Suffice to say her new nickname was well earned.

"Kaya-chan! Look upon the artwork of my soul! I call it 'Snow Queen'!" Usopp called, standing proud next to a sculpture of snow that was clearly modeled after someone close to the sniper's heart.

"Oh, Gatsby! It's beautiful!" gushed Kaya.

"Nami-swan! Are you sure you don't want me to do just a little Snow Shoveling of Love~?" crooned Sanji from within the galley.

"Yes, yes. It'll get washed off soon enough. Just keep making the snacks to get us through the next few hours while we have the time," she deadpanned.

"I'll make enough to feed two Luffy's by the time the wind changes, this I swear! Mellorine!"

"Man, this guy is whipped," Mr. 9 muttered.

"I'm cold. Don't they have any kind of heating system," complained Miss Wednesday.

Kaya turned to face them with the sound of a creaking door. "Did you two say something?"

"NO, MA'AM!" they both shouted, suddenly rigid in perfect posture.

"Remind me what you're doing in there again, please."

Mr. 9 was sweating bullets. "We are staying still and quiet and not making a fuss, as is proper for prisoners to do."

"And might I say just how generous and gracious wardens you all are!" tacked on Miss Wednesday, her eyes blank as if her life were flashing before her eyes.

Kaya giggled, and the sound sent chills down their spines. "I'm glad to hear you're being so polite, but you misunderstand. I meant why are you in there, when you could be outside doing work."

The two gulped.

"Because… we're hostages?" the redhead offered.

"And… hostages are supposed to stay put until told otherwise?" the undercover princess guessed.

"Ah, I see the problem. Those are the rules for when we're on _land_. When we're at _sea_ , hostages have nowhere to run. So for all intents and purposes, they're part of the crew of the ship. And we have a rule on this ship." Kaya held up a finger, the motion filled with all the authority of fate itself. "Those who do not work… do not eat."

As if on cue, both their stomachs growled.

So fast they left an afterimage, the two vanished from the relative haven of the galley to appear on deck. They began to shovel as if their lives depended on it.

"Hey, watch it! You almost messed up 'Snow King'!"

"It looks fantastic, darling!" Kaya called out, once again just a charming young woman.

It had gone from funny to irritating to terrifying and back three or four times by now.

"No wall stands in the way of a true lady. Not even the fourth," Kaya whispered to the wind.

Gulp.

Brook sipped deeply from his cup of tea, seated at the same table the two had just vacated. The Baroque Works agents had been too 'polite' to react to the skeleton's presence. He sighed. "I miss Laboon."

Alvida glanced at him. "Um, hasn't it only been half an hour?"

It goes without saying that the look Brook sent her was empty. He had no eyeballs. "Your point being?"

Luffy paused from crafting Mr. Snowman 2.0 to look at the sky. His trademark grin split his face. "Break's over, everyone! The fun's about to start!"

The flash of lightning and crackle of thunder punctuated his statement.

As the sky began to experience static electricity's badass grandpa, the ships were suddenly hit with a fierce headwind.

"Damn, what's going on? This weather is insane," grumbled one of the pedalers on the Baratie.

Zeff snorted from his spot by the periscope. "This is the Grand Line. The wind, the sky, the waves, the clouds, you can't trust any of them on this ocean." He paused. "Makes for some nice evolutionary conditions. The fish here are some of the best in the world. If I didn't know it would tear, I'd be dragging a net behind us right now."

Jango was almost blinded as a worryingly close fork made the snow on deck flash blindingly. "Why do I get the feeling things are about to get very, very weird?"

Shemp eyed the huddled forms of the pets. "What's with them?"

"It's their instinct," said Gaimon, right in the middle with his precious nakama of twenty years.

"Instinct?" questioned Mohji, who was trying and failing to fend off Richie's attempts to cuddle him like a teddy bear.

"When animals sense bad weather coming, they sit."

Some of the Don crew were having pretty serious flashbacks. "Woge! You sure you can get us through this this time?"

The charitable pirate (and wasn't that just a contradiction in terms) shakily nodded. "Um, I think so. We have a Log Pose this time. Can't believe I never heard of those. Nami-sensei said she found them after looking for five minutes in Loguetown."

Gin grimaced. "Krieg didn't bother to do any research. He just charged in and trusted his guns and army of human shields would save him. Don Luffy won't ever make that mistake."

"Yeah! The Don would never charge blindly into a fight and risk the lives of his crew!" agreed one of the nearby extras.

Luffy sneezed. "Huh. I sense a disturbance in the Voice. As if the entire world laughed its ass off at once, and then bitter ironic silence. Hmm… must be a mystery."

Nami sighed as the sails buckled and the ship started to veer slightly from the sheer strength of the storm wind. "I'd say 'turn the braceyard', but why waste my breath?"

In that moment, the wind turned on a dime to come from the side. The storm clouds vanished as quickly as they arrived, the sun came out, and the temperature at least doubled.

"Ah, the first sign of spring," sighed Buggy cheerfully, retreating to his happy place.

Buchi felt his heart beat double-time as he desperately tried to calculate how to adjust to the wind without crashing into anyone. "Heave! Heave like you're being paid for it! Heave or I'll sit on you!"

Patty spotted something as he tried to keep the Baratie's foresail from tearing. "Owner! Pod of dolphins off the port bow! Should I fetch the harpoons?"

"Dude, you'd eat Flipper? What is the matter with you?" demanded Carne.

One of the Don Pirates, one of the oldest and proudest members of the fleet by the name of Frederick, panicked when he spotted something from the crow's nest. "Iceberg, dead ahead!"

Usopp gripped the rail as the waves suddenly tripled in height and made the ship rock. "Luffy, smash it! Or Zoro, slice it! Sanji, melt it! Someone do SOMETHING about the wall of steel-hard ice before we CRASH!"

"On it!" Luffy called, raising his leg high as he jumped into the air. "Gomu Gomu no Tempest Axe!" He brought down his leg with all the weight and recoil of his body, sending what wasn't so much a blade as a pillar of energy at the offending sea glacier, obliterating it to ice chips. Luffy landed, then looked up. "Huh, good that I did that quick. This fog is making it hard to see!"

Zoro felt his eye twitch as he watched the weather experience more shifts than an ADHD squirrel's focus. "Okay, maybe the witch had a point."

The Baratie shuddered as it collided with a submerged chunk of the iceberg that was still big. "BREACH!" shouted the pedalers, as they leaped to their feet to escape the water already up to their ankles.

"WHO SAID YOU COULD STOP PEDALING, YOU SHITTY BABY EGGPLANTS?!" roared Zeff as, without even looking away from the periscope, he hooked an iron plate from near his shoe up into the air and kicked it with such force that it embedded itself into the wall around the leak, effectively plugging it.

The chefs gulped and went back to their bikes. On second thought, drowning was a better way to go than being cooked alive as punishment.

The crew of the Bezan Black all fell to their feet as the ship shook. There was much creaking and groaning of wood as the Blitz was forced to bend around the ship, unable to plow through.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" screamed the indignant cats.

"GIVE US A BREAK! WE'RE BLIND IN THIS FOG!" shot back the harried yakuza.

Gale force winds came from nowhere to blow the fog away. Unfortunately, it also began to tear the sails.

"Take in canvass!" bellowed Nami. "Butterfingers, hard a-starboard!"

Alvida grunted as she focused all her strength into tilting the wooden lever only for it to slip from her hands and her to slide across the floor until her head hit the wall. "Are you kidding me?!" she cried out.

"I've got it!" Brook shouted, putting his full weight into shoving the helm. Unfortunately, as someone light enough to run on water, that wasn't saying much.

Miss Wednesday looked into the black horizon with hollow eyes. "It's coming," she whispered.

Cabaji clutched his new sword to his chest as he witnessed a class-4 cyclone form and touch down into the water barely a stone's throw in front of them. "What is _wrong_ with this ocean?" he howled in terror.

"Do you want the list in alphabetical order OR BY FUCKING FLASHY CATEGORY?!" Buggy facetiously hollered, his head hovering over the crew as he coordinated his various parts to help around the ship.

Mohmoo seriously considered just swimming away. But what if the scary two-legs sent the BIG blue fish after him? So, crying silent tears of defeat, he kept pace with the ships.

The world dissolved into sweat and panic and adrenaline. The Armada sailed through a labyrinth of nautical nightmares, pushing themselves to the limit to keep up with the demands of survival lest they fall short and cross over into the great unknown. Food was a bite of onigiri before dropping it in the rush to the next crisis, drink whatever rain was caught in your mouth before it was washed down by seawater as a wave washed over the deck and nearly took you with it.

Every minute was an age, every second a burning agony as weary bodies cried out for relief. Many a man became convinced that they would die there, in that swirling chaos of wind and waves. And still they pushed on, driven by the weight of their nakama at their backs, and the undaunted laughter of their captain.

Nature threw everything it had at them. And they endured.

Until, at long last, it ended.

The five ships floated gently, bopping up and down through the calm water. Battered and bruised, but still standing. Seagulls flew serenely on the breeze.

The pirate coalition, to a man, were laid out flat on the decks. Bodies trembled as oxygen starved muscles refused to move but overstimulated nerves forced them to anyway. Blood stained the deck from countless blisters that had formed and burst on their hands and feet. Quite a few drooled, too exhausted even to swallow or close their jaws.

Zoro wiped sweat from his brow, trying to breathe through the pain of lactic acid setting his mending muscles aflame. "Damn. How the hell did I sleep through that last time?"

"If even you don't know, perhaps we're not meant to," moaned Usopp, his head pillowed on Kaya's chest. The heiress herself lay shell shocked, a thousand-yard stare looking up into the clear, blue sky. She didn't even seem aware he was there.

"Oh, my aching bones," groaned Brook, collapsed into a pile near the mast. "I think I pulled something in my soul."

"That doesn't make any sense," snarled Sanji, staring forlornly at the tip of the cigarette in his mouth. Short of spontaneous combustion, he wasn't going to enjoy it. It hurt too much to pull out his lighter.

Luffy frowned from his special seat down at the prone Frontier Agents. "It really is pretty mean of you guys to attack people right after they go through _that_. I mean, that's just not fair."

"So this is my lowest point," Vivi whispered to herself. "Getting a lecture on fairness from a pirate."

Mr. 9 was too busy watching the red spots to say anything.

The other crews were hardly better off. Worse, actually. They were in far inferior physical condition to three-fifths of the Going Merry's current population.

"Anyone have a nice clam I can crawl into?" panted Pearl. He had dumped his shields early on, figuring he couldn't afford to waste stamina lugging them around. His shirt had been lost in a rogue wave, so everyone could see the various claw marks crisscrossing his husky body, souvenirs of his time in the jungle.

"If you have the energy to make puns about your name, you didn't work as hard as the rest of us," barked Hustle.

Jango sighed. "You know, it's times like these when I regret not fucking off to an island somewhere, hypnotizing the locals into thinking I'm their god, and living carefree for the rest of my life."

"You know," spoke up Whiskers, "the Kumate Tribe of cannibals believe that any god that walks the earth must be trapped in mortal form. Thus it is their duty and honor to… 'release' them from their fleshy prison."

Jango gulped. "Never mind."

"If I never see a storm cloud again, it will be too soon," Larry whined piteously.

Buggy's hat shadowed his face. "You think that was bad? There's an island in the New World where it rains lightning."

Larry chuckled, thinking his captain was trying to distract him from his pain by making up a ridiculously worse thing to compare it too. "Right. And is there also an island where you can run on the wind?"

A blue mist seeped from Buggy's pores. "You think you're joking."

Kadoo's eyes hurt to blink. "Oh yeah, I'm definitely digging into my stash of kratom tonight."

In the bowels of the Baratie, a cook named Lance known for his strong arm in tenderizing meat was the only one still pedaling. "Hmm. I think I'm starting to like this cycling thing."

"What are you on, dope?" growled the other fifteen.

Zeff climbed the stairs to the restaurant level, to find the whole place in complete disarray. Shattered porcelain was strewn across the floor, and the chairs had somehow arranged themselves into a barricade at the door blocking the cooks on sail duty from coming back in. "I'm not paying for this," he muttered.

Nami felt the sudden urge to cut off the next mustache she saw.

Shaking her head at the random thought, she searched for the bullhorn. Finding it somehow in the heart of her tangerine grove, she called out to the rest of the Armada. "SOUND OFF! WHO'S NOT DEAD?"

Over three hundred groans sounded back.

"SHAKE IT OFF, BOYS! THE WORST IS OVER! THAT WAS SEVEN ISLANDS FIGHTING EACH OTHER. FROM HERE ON OUT, IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE TWO OR THREE!"

The majority of the exhausted men perked up at that.

"UNTIL THE SECOND HALF OF THE GRAND LINE, WHERE THE POWER AND RANGE OF EACH ISLAND IS EXPONENTIALLY GREATER AND WE MAY LITERALLY WIND UP SURFING A TSUNAMI IN ORDER TO ESCAPE A FLAMING WHIRLPOOL!"

The ripple caused by all the pirates slamming their heads against the deck actually generated a decent wave.

"BUT THAT'S NOT FOR A WHILE! AND IT STABILIZES AROUND EACH ISLAND. WHICH IS WHY WE'RE ALL ENJOYING A LOVELY SUMMER DAY. LAND HO, BOYS! SAY HELLO TO CACTUS ISLAND!"

The Armada staggered to their feet. They all looked at the horizon and were treated to their first glimpse of a Grand Line island.

"That's a funny looking island."

"What big cacti!"

"We might be here a while while the Log sets… don't you hate it when you have to use the same word twice in a row?"

"I don't know about that. But didn't Nami-sama mention those two that tried to attack Laboon were from here? If we're using them as hostages, that must mean the people there are pretty hostile."

"Can you _imagine_ the kind of tequila you could make from those buggers?"

Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday eyed each other. As one, they sprung to their feet and dashed for the railing.

"Thanks for the ride, honey!" she called out.

"Bye-bye, babies!" he tacked on.

The two leaped, going into textbook diving position, their escape all but complete… only to be yanked out of the air by two rubbery limbs.

The Baroque Works agents found themselves jerked back into the crushing grip of something too strong to be called a hug.

"Why you trying to run, guys? Don't you wanna introduce us to your friends? You wouldn't want to miss the party we're going to have, right? Shishishishi!"

Transparent copies of themselves seemed to fly up and out of the two of them. See, they had forgotten one crucial fact.

Luffy was Kaya's _captain_.

They were dead. Like, so dead. Like OMG dead.

"Oh dear. It seems the lesson didn't take. We shall have to remedy that."

The pair turned the sickly grey of a corpse.

Correction. They were dead _and_ buried.

"What's that I hear? My hostages tried to make a break for it before I could ransom them?"

A blue and an orange puddle seemed to ooze out of Luffy's arms onto the deck.

Further correction. They were dead, buried, decomposed, reincarnated as grass, that grass eaten by a cow, and about to be _shat_ out as manure.

Some days, it just doesn't pay to attempt a jailbreak.

* * *

**Yeah… I think I'll leave you there. It's been almost a month since my last update. And I just** _**know** _ **that the reunion with Robin is going to be a bitch and a half to pull off, and I don't want to make you wait even longer as I wrestle it into submission.**

**Little announcement. I have decided, after all the overwhelmingly positive feedback I've gotten over the years for this and other fics, that I should take a stab at an actual original work. Of course this means the updates might get stretched out even more as the few times I manage to sit myself down to right, I will have to decide between this, my Harry Potter experiment, and the Voted-Most-Likely-To-Crash-And-Burn endeavor I am now committing to.**

**I have SUCH things planned for the future, twists you wouldn't believe. Please bear with me as I oh-so-slowly coax them out of my head and onto my screen.**

**Oh, and not that any of you have reason to care, but I actually have a date on my calendar. Yes, I am peeking my head out of my (steel-plated, razor-wire wrapped) turtle shell to actually interact with carbon-based lifeforms that aren't my family or paid to deal with me. Huzzah!**

**And now I shall await the tide of reviews mad at the base breaker that is my random Gin/Buggy pairing. Enjoy your day, good reader.**


	14. Chapter 14

**You ever lose a plot bunny in a field of plot bunnies? And every time you pick one up and find out it's not the one you want, it's so gosh darn cute and imaginative that you have to stroke it anyway. Yeah, that explains the delay for this chapter. I've got, like, three pilots saved on my computer right now. Please forgive me for flexing my writing muscles on something besides this fic.**

**As I predicted, Gin/Buggy makes some of my readers consider abandoning the fic. Others seem to think it's cool/funny/brilliant. Par for the course. I promise that there will be nothing more explicit than what was in last chapter. References only, never any explicit scenes. Same goes for all other pairings.**

**Oh, and to anyone who remembers to look at the publish date, this fic recently had its 2** **nd** **birthday. Feel free to sing and dance wherever you may be while you're reading this.**

**P.S. I cracked 3k on Favorites and Follows. I feel so loved!**

**Straw Hat: 9; 157,000,000**

**Buggy: 115; 15,000,000**

**Black Cat: 97; 16,000,000**

**Don: 101; 17,000,000**

**Baratie: 30; ?**

**Pets: 21; 0**

**Total: 374; 205,000,000**

* * *

Five ships sailed up the river mouth into the depths of the island. A light mist obscured the air as the cool water reacted to the sun-warmed rocks. Through the gloom, scouts noted the skull-and-crossbones and sent messages to their base to prepare.

They emerged into a bay, the mist cleared, and they were greeted by raucous cheers.

"Welcome to the Grand Line!"

"Pirate crews, welcome!"

"Welcome to the town of celebration, Whiskey Peak!"

"Pirates are the coolest!"

"Long live the heroes of the sea!"

"Banzai!"

While some of the more gullible among the Armada actually fell for it (not one of the Don crew among them), a strategy meeting took place on the Going Merry.

"How you want to play this, captain? Eat all their food, drink their sake and head off the ambush? Or beat them, steal their food, and drink their sake anyway?"

Luffy stuck out his tongue. "Veggies first to get them out of the way. Let's kick their butts. The bomb guy and umbrella girl will walk into a party."

"In that case, may I have the honors? It's been quite a while since I've fought a large group, and I'd like to test something out," requested the musician.

"Ooh, I wanna watch! Take it away, Brook!"

Brook opened his violin case, drew out his beloved instrument, and settled it into the crook of his neck. Instead of reaching for his freshly rosined bow, he instead drew his sword and laid the central ridge against the strings.

"May the dead walk in their masquerade," the skeleton intoned. "Marche Funèbre!"

The Soul King began to play.

The bounty hunters paused in their charade. What was that noise? It was beautiful… but haunting… actually a bit creepy…

The very world seemed to blur out of focus.

Igaram, or 'Mr. 8', blinked. He looked around in confusion. Where had everyone gone? He was standing alone in the center of town, when just a moment ago he could have sworn he was surrounded by his 'fellow' bounty hunters. And wasn't it daytime? But the full moon, shining luminously down on him said otherwise. What was going on?

A rustle.

Igaram jerked his head to the side, heart pounding wildly. Wait, why was he reacting so strongly to this? His eyes searched the area for the source of the sound, but his eyes could not penetrate the darkness. In fact, it was hard to see anything. Bright as the moon was, the shadows stretched long across the ground. Wherever it pooled, it seemed to coalesce into an opaque mass, nothing like regular shade. It was almost dreamlike.

An echoing voice tickled his ear, as if he were hearing something from a great distance.

" _It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark~_ "

The Captain of the Royal Guard of Arabasta tensed. What was that? But it had a point. Those shadows looked awfully intimidating. And Igaram couldn't shake the feeling that he was being _watched_ , the way a fox watches a hare. Every sense for danger he had was dialed up to eleven. His eyes flitted all around him, looking for any sign of movement, ready to move or attack at a moment's notice.

" _Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart~_ "

It came out of nowhere. Two glowing green lights appeared in the alley nearest him. Igaram gulped. He brought his hands closer to his necktie, ready to activate the guns hidden in his hair.

" _You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it~_ "

The lights moved, and Igaram saw them head on.

He froze.

It was like when a dear looked into the eye of a mountain lion, or a mouse into the eyes of a snake. That terrifying moment of clarity when you realize something wanted to _eat_ you and you were powerless to stop it. Coppery blood flooded his mouth and he realized he bit his tongue. He tried to call out, but his throat couldn't seem to work.

He blinked, and the creature appeared before him.

Green mist floated and clung to the skeleton. Tattered clothing hung on it, as if it had died in them and never bothered to change. Harsh green light burned in its empty sockets and shone between its teeth. It's hands, like claws, reached out for him.

" _You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes~_ " the creature rasped.

Igaram couldn't breathe, his heart had stopped, his limbs were stone. He was _terrified._

" _You're paralyzed~_ "

Miss Monday panted in mixed panic and exertion.

Zombies. Zombies everywhere.

Desiccated bodies shambling towards her, moaning hungrily as they gazed upon her living flesh. She'd knocked them down, one after the other, but still they came. Bits falling off, the miasma of rot rising like a cloud off their necrotic forms, they came at her like ants overwhelming a grasshopper.

The female bodybuilder punched so hard at one that its head flew off into the distance. But still its arms grabbed at her, trying to drag her down so its brethren could subdue her. She shook it off and, seeing no other choice, ran into a nearby house. There wasn't any tactics to it, she just _ran_. Away from the zombies, away from the monsters, away from the fear. She ran up the stairs and made for the first open door she saw, collapsing into a gasping heap once she entered the room.

She tried to calm her racing heart and mind enough to figure out what the _fuck_ was going on.

" _You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run~_ "

There was a concussion of sound as the door she'd just blown wide open returned to a locked position, complete with the scream of rusty hinges.

Miss Monday jumped and turned. She dry swallowed when she saw the door. She reached out and tried to open it, but even with all her strength it refused to budge. She really put her back into it, and the door knob broke off in her grip.

" _You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun~_ "

The Frontier Agent looked around the room, desperate to find escape. Ice crept up her spine as she realized she was well and truly trapped. There was only one door and no windows. The only light was from a crack in the clay roof. That horrible feeling of being in a cage, a cave, a box with the walls seeming to edge closer every time you looked suffused her.

" _You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination~_ "

The dark-skinned rosette curled into a ball. She pressed her face into her knees, blocking out the sight of the room. What she didn't see couldn't hurt her. If she couldn't see it, it wasn't real. ' _Go away_ ' she begged in her head. ' _Just go away!_ '

" _But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind~_ "

Footsteps echoed in the room. Miss Monday curled up into an even tighter ball. A hand colder than death touched her shoulder.

" _You're out of time~_ " she heard whispered not an inch from her ear.

A piercing scream echoed throughout the night.

The Straw Hat Armada watched with shock, admiration, and no small amount of fear as the denizens of Whiskey Peak went _mad_. Wonderfully, hideously, indescribably mad. Some of them fell to their knees and started to scream. Some of them just locked into place as if petrified. Some turned on the others and began to viciously attack. And some were cut down by their own musician, walking amongst them without a care in the world. As he passed his 'audience' members, he cut them down so swiftly and smoothly that his music never wavered, continuing to trickle through their ears and into their souls. They saw only what the Soul King wanted them to see, heard what he wanted them to hear, felt what he wanted them to feel.

When the last of them fell insensate to the ground, Brook ended his song with a tapering decrescendo before lifting his blade from his instrument as gently as a mother bathing her child. He tucked the violin into the crook of his arm as he held his sword up in a salute and bowed. "Thank you for listening," he told the routed Baroque Works Millions.

Alvida bit her trembling lip. "If I show him my underwear, will that stop him from doing that to me?" she asked.

Luffy frowned. "He won't ever do it anyway. You're nakama. We play pranks, we roughhouse, but we never aim to really hurt each other."

"Tell that to them," Usopp grumbled, hooking a thumb at the cook and swordsman, who were estimating how much quicker they each could have done what Brook had and how much better it would be than what their rival could do.

Jango gaped at the display. "That many subjects, each experiencing their own individual multisensory illusion, simultaneously, while _moving_. This weirdo is my _god_."

Zeff stroked his mustache. "If any man hears the singing of the Sirens, his wife and children will never welcome him home again," he quoted.

Gin gulped. "If I am a devil, that man is Satan himself."

"Scary," sobbed some of the Buggy pirates.

Gaimon cleared his throat. "You know, he told me that _I_ scare _him_."

Gaimon found himself at a much higher elevation than he was used to as the clowns held him up like some kind of idol or talisman against evil. "Our savior!" they cried.

Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday tried to piece together their shattered minds. A hundred Millions, including two Frontier Agents that outranked even them, all defeated by just _one_ … thing. And if they way it acted around the ship was any indication, it wasn't even the strongest on the ship. And there were _five_ ships.

"Hey. You think the Officer Agents could take these guys?" Mr. 9 asked.

Vivi had a shrewd, calculating expression. If one who knew her was to look into her eyes, they would see the faintest spark of hope. "Maybe."

"I meant all at once."

"Me too."

Luffy called out in his natural overloud volume "Brook, good job! Everyone else, time to dock! Gather them up, tie them up so they don't run soon as they wake up, then help the mustache guy and the cooks find their food! Nothing tastes better than someone else's food! Trust me!"

"You would know," growled every original Straw Hat member.

* * *

Consciousness was slow in coming. It didn't return all at once, but rather in stages.

First, there was heat. A harsh, roaring heat from the front, and a gentler one against his back. At the edges of his body, like the top of his head, there was a tingling chill, pleasant in contrast.

Next, light. His closed eyelids barely managed to keep out a glaring brightness, one that flickered erratically.

Then there was noise. It was pure cacophony. Men shouting, feet stomping, half a dozen different tunes clashing with each other and yet somehow harmonizing into the sound of _fun_.

Igaram finally opened his eyes. With the ease of long practice, he assessed the situation around him.

He and the rest of the inhabitants of Whiskey Peak were all in the town square. A roaring bonfire lit up the center, around which danced the most varied and inconsistent group of humanity Igaram had ever seen. He saw clowns, furries, men who looked like gourmet chefs, stereotypical starving thugs, and what looked like an animate potted bush. They were drinking, laughing, singing, basically enjoying themselves with total abandon. Igaram had never seen such unrestrained revelry. It was almost frightening, such total loss of control or propriety, and yet strangely fascinating.

But they weren't totally careless, as Igaram soon realized. He and the rest of Baroque Works were all bound with rope around the ankles and wrists. Also, he spotted at least two dozen of the partiers who never took their eyes off of him and his 'comrades'. Igaram almost had a heart attack when he spotted his princess. She was sitting down, stiff as a board, at the edge of the square. A rather scandalously dressed redhead was leaning against a wall off to her left, and Igaram noticed how Vivi's eyes kept flickering to her. As someone that had cared for her since he'd first heard her cries echo through the palace, Igaram had no trouble seeing the fear in her eyes.

How had this happened? One minute he was preparing to ambush yet another pirate crew as part of his cover; the next he, his princess, and his 'allies' were at the mercy of complete strangers. As head of security, Igaram was trained to deal with things suddenly going south. Still, he was at a loss over how things had instantly gone from peaceful to straight-up FUBAR.

Igaram was snapped out of his mental flat-line by the single most horrible noise his ears had ever had the misfortune to interpret. It made nails on a chalkboard sound like a hallelujah chorus. After three seconds, he would gladly have hit his head with a sledgehammer just to escape the torment of the auditory torture.

" _Oh White Handkerchief~ / Don't let him find you! ~ Run away~ / Oh White Handkerchief~ / Don't let the octopus get you! ~ Watch out for the ink! ~ / A squid came too~ / That's the ink again! ~ / Oh White Handkerchief~ / It's the all inked Black Handkerchief of Happiness~~~_ "

"SHUT UP!" roared Igaram, the Millions, the pirate crew, and the planet itself.

"Yohohoho! Forgive me, everyone! I was just following Luffy-san's orders! He wanted to talk to our prisoners! Oh, I mean our 'guests'! Please, pick up where you left off! Perhaps a party song to get us all back in the mood?"

The air was suddenly filled with requests for particular songs. Igaram managed to tear his eyes away from the _talking skeleton_ responsible for scarring his eardrums for life only when one of the more obnoxious voices he had ever heard shouted "Oi! Curly haired guy! And the rest of the Baroque Works dudes!"

Igaram turned towards the voice, and _felt_ his face turn blue.

As a Frontier Agent charged with fleecing rookie crews for all they were worth, Igaram kept himself abreast of the major bounties of all four Blues. Even if he'd only had a passing interest though, he'd have recognized the young man before him. It wasn't every day that a rookie got his own article in the 'Global' section of the Newspaper and not just the 'Local' for the region. Tan face with a little boyish roundness still present and scar on the left cheek. Open red cardigan and jean shorts tied with a yellow sash. A broad straw hat with a red ribbon at the rim. This was 'Straw Hat' Luffy, the man with a higher bounty than _Crocodile's_ before it had been frozen.

Sometimes, life screws us over. In this case, Igaram felt like he'd been bent over and the universe had rammed its fist so far up there it lost its watch. The plan had seemed simple enough. Infiltrate a criminal organization, work up the ranks until in a position to divine the leader's identity, return to Arabasta and bring the might of the Nefertari name and throne down on the wrongdoer. Never had Igaram or the princess accounted for the possibility of running into an even bigger threat than the man orchestrating a civil war.

"Um, fish roll head? Iga-something? Anybody in there?"

Igaram felt someone poking his head. He shook himself to get rid of it, and refocused on the man before him. He heard some of the Millions mutter something about 'stretching' behind him, but he paid them no mind. "Y—mah, mah, mah~! Yes, what is it?"

"You're the guy in charge, right? Can you order all your guys to settle down and listen to what I have to say for the next few minutes?"

Normally, Igaram would pull the 'distraught mayor' act and deny everything. But these people had the princess. They'd probably gotten everything out of her already, about Baroque Works at least. So he was totally honest. "It is true that I and Miss Monday are the ranking Agents here. Howev—mah, mah, mah~! However, all orders come from the Boss. I can't actually order them to do anything. Don't worry, though, we're listening," he said, while the Millions muttered and whispered right behind him.

The pirate gave him a deadpan. "Liar liar, pants on fire. Well, not really. I don't feel that mean. Hmm, what to do?" He scratched his chin, before bonking his fist against his palm. "I got it. OI, ZORO! DO SOMETHING INTIMIDATING!"

"Eh? Can't you see I'm drinking here?" replied a freakishly scarred man in a green robe. He laid down a wine barrel as big as he was, which he had been drinking straight from the plughole. Miss Monday was mildly impressed, being the best drinker on the island.

"Oh, come on! I'm not asking for a lightshow or anything! Just a little something to get these guys attention! Captain's orders!" he tacked on, pouting like a child.

"Fine, fine," grumbled the man. He stood up and turned to face one of the cactus rocks that gave the island its name. He drew a sword with a black blade, just one of the three belted to his waist Igaram noticed. He held the sword above his head in a standard high stance. "Ittoryu: Baki (One Sword Style: Horse Demon)!" he called out, bringing the sword down in a vertical slash.

There was a 'whoosh' of displaced air, oddly louder than it should have been, and then the unholy thunder of a rockslide. Dust rose from nowhere to obscure the rock the greenhead had 'aimed' at. But there was no way he was to blame, right? He'd been several hundred feet away. Igaram had heard of so-called 'flying blade attacks', but surely no one could make one powerful enough to…

Igaram felt his jaw dislocate as it dropped until he felt the ground brush his chin. The dust had cleared. The cactus rock had been _split in half_. Right down the middle. As if a knife the size of the moon had carved its way through. As he watched, little pieces of rock fell off the sides of the brand new cliff to tumble towards the ground.

Straw Hat giggled. "Shishishishi! Thanks, Zoro! So," he said, addressing Igaram again. "You guys going to hear me out now?"

Igaram slowly closed his mouth and cleared his throat, without his usual lyrical flourish. "We are listening," he answered, sure that he spoke for every agent behind him. He glanced once more at the reformed piece of the landscape. "Intently."

"Alright! ATTENTION, BAROQUE WORKS!" shouted the pirate captain, seeming to almost swell with all the air that went into the yell. "My name's Luffy! Nice to meet you guys! To those of you who don't know me, I'm the Captain of the Straw Hat Armada. And I got a proposition for you guys."

Miss Monday spoke up. "What does a pirate want with a crime syndicate?"

He narrowed his eye at her. "Well if you'd stop interrupting me, I'd tell you," he retorted childishly. He even stuck out his tongue. _This_ was the kid worth 99 million? Then Igaram looked at the ruined hill again. Oh, right. This 'kid' was in charge of the guy that did _that_. He could be as childish as he wanted.

"Okay, so here's the thing. Baroque Works is an organization that specializes in theft, bribery, bounty hunting, and even assassination. Not very nice things. But the reason you do them, assuming you're not a total jerk, is because you've all been promised a place in a quote unquote 'Ideal Nation' the Boss is going to create. If you work hard, the better your position will be in this 'Ideal Nation.' So, basically, you're all crawling over each other to steal the most loot, bring in the biggest bounty, and complete the most mission. All for the promise to stand on top in this 'Ideal Nation'. I got all that right?"

Igaram gulped. He had a bad feeling about this. "Essentially, yes. That's why people join Baroque Works."

"Mhmm. And that all sounds great. But I just got one question for all of you," Luffy drawled. "Why are you all idiots?"

"WHAT?!" screamed the indignant Millions.

"It's not idiotic to strive for paradise!" shouted one.

"To go from street trash to nobility in a perfect land, that's my dream," called another.

"If we work hard, the Boss will reward us well!" yelled a guy near the front.

"THERE!" Luffy called, pointing at the last one to speak. "Right there! That's what I'm trying to get at. The 'Boss' will reward you, you say?"

The peon nodded. "That's right!"

"Really?" Luffy asked doubtfully. "How do you know? You ever meet this 'Boss' guy?"

The Million seemed to shrink. "Um, no. I've never actually met him. But I –"

"Do you even know his name? Or what he looks like?"

"Well, no. None of us do. That's one of the biggest rules of Baroque Works."

"Right. You lie and cheat and kill for a man you can't even be sure exists. Doesn't that sound just a _little_ silly?"

"Uh…"

"None of you know each other's names. You all have a codename and nothing more. Sure, it's cool and can make you all feel like spies. Buuuut, it also means none of you can sell anyone out to the Marines or anyone else. Doesn't that seem a _bit_ suspicious?"

"Ah, you see…"

"You're all doing this to get into an 'Ideal Nation'. A place with no hunger, no poverty, no violence or war. But you're supposedly building it with crime and extortion. Doesn't that sound the _tiniest_ bit counterintuitive?"

The poor Million didn't even respond. In the slightest lull in the sound of the party going on behind Luffy, Igaram could have sworn he heard "I can't believe he knows big words now."

Luffy took a breath. "Let me let you all in on a little secret. One of my nakama is hidden _very_ high in Baroque Works. She knows the Boss's real plans. He's using Baroque Works to engineer a rebellion in Arabasta with planted evidence framing the king. He's going to use this rebellion to cover up a coup." Luffy shook his head. "Do you get it now? This 'Boss' is just using you all to make himself king! And once he is," Luffy frowned, "what's keeping him from killing each and every one of you to cover his tracks?"

Igaram looked down. He wished he could say he was surprised, but then he'd had a low opinion of Baroque Works going in, and even as a Shichibukai Crocodile was known for not caring whether he brought pirates in dead or alive. But the Millions were different. Most of them had seen Baroque Works as a chance at redemption, one last round of ugliness before leaving it all behind to stand in the sun. The crimes they committed were seen as the ends justifying the means. To hear that it was maybe all for naught… he could hear their denial and sorrow behind him.

"Seriously, what's stopping him? You going to run to the Marines? They'd just throw you in prison for everything you've done for him. And forgive me for saying this, but most of you wouldn't be missed if you just… vanished. He's needs you to reach his goals, so he keeps you around. But once he has what he wants, you're all just going to be a bunch of liabilities. Even with the code names, the very fact you know Baroque Works _exists_ makes you a loose end. And a guy clever and ruthless enough to set all this up didn't get there by leaving loose ends. He might keep one or two Officer Agents that proved their loyalty, but the rest of you will be hung out to dry. In the worst way."

Igaram heard the prisoners behind him shout out, calling Luffy a liar, saying he had to be wrong. He also heard sobs as some felt the ground yanked out from under them, the one ray of hope they'd had in a long while snatched away. He felt the hatred in his heart burn a little brighter. These people may be criminals, but they were _people_. And he knew the boy spoke true. Crocodile would throw them away like trash once he was done with them. He was willing to have hundreds of thousands kill each other to get achieve his sick goals, what was another two thousand underlings?

Luffy grinned, his eyes shadowed by the brim of his hat. "And that's where I come in!"

The Millions looked up at the man that had shown the truth behind their false hope, and was about to offer the real thing.

"I need nakama to help me on my journey. Now, I know what you're going to say. 'Why should we follow you?', right? Just because I made you guys want to quit Baroque Works doesn't mean you're going to want to join me. Well, I'll tell you why! Because I, too, am offering you an 'Ideal Nation'. Only mine isn't some mystery far-off land. It's one you've all known of your whole lives. You've just never truly been there."

The Millions leaned forward with bated breath.

"My 'Ideal Nation'," Luffy declared, "is the Sea! A place where every man, woman, and child is considered equal! A place without politics and mind games, without division and segregation, without borders or boundaries! A place where everyone is your friend, because you are all united by a common purpose! Where all work is honest work, measured by the sweat of your brow and the strength of your back! A place of free men… and FREEDOM!"

They all sat enraptured, the power of a King's words bewitching them all.

"But no Nation is without its enemies. The Sea and those who embrace her are considered enemies of Justice! We, who refuse to bow to their rules and restrictions! We, who live every day to the fullest! We, who seek adventure and dreams and nothing else! Why? Because we believe something they do not? NO! We are their enemies because they do not control us! They fear any who won't obey! And so they condemn us to death, call us 'pirate' and 'scum', for no other reason than because we refuse to follow the path they set out for us, because we decide to make our own, because no one has the right to tell us what to do!"

Luffy held out his arms as if embracing the people of Whiskey Peak. "I embrace the Sea. My nakama did the same. And so we formed this Armada, so that we may stand strong together as we set out to find our dreams and see all this world has to offer. Our lives are hard, make no mistake! But we _live_ , and that makes it all worth it! I stand before you, truthfully without any regrets. Because my dream is to become the Pirate King, to know the Sea better than any man alive, to know true freedom!"

Luffy smiled, a genuine warm smile that shone brighter than the sun. "So tell me, my friends… will you join me and my 'Ideal Nation'?"

The members of Baroque Works were one and all speechless.

"Take your time. This is a serious decision. One which will affect the rest of your lives. So, I'll leave you all to eat. And when you're done, you can each decide whether you want to be part of my Armada. Those of you that don't will be free to go. Just know that if you try to start anything, we WILL finish it. Oh, and in case any of you are worried about Baroque Works coming after you for leaving… just know that I take care of my own.

And with that, the pirate known as Straw Hat turned and vanished into the writhing mass of the party.

Igaram sucked on his dry tongue. By the Gods! He had sworn his life to his King and princess, and even he'd been moved by the boy's offer. He could only imagine how much more effective it had been on desperate goons with nothing to lose.

At that point, a few of the cook types came forward with steaming bowls of soup. There was just enough slack on their wrists that they could bring the bowls to their lips without spilling it down their front. The first Million to get his took one sip and exclaimed "Oh my god!"

The cook who'd given it to him grimaced. "Yeah, I know, it's terrible. Normally we're a lot better than this, but we're cooking only with the ingredients we found in town, and a lot of them weren't the best quality."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" sputtered the man in the midst of gustatory orgasm.

"I'm apologizing for this not being up to our usual standards, sir."

"Your usual standards? You mean for parties and celebrations, right?"

"No, I mean in general. The only real difference between a feast and an ordinary meal is the amount of food prepared, not the quality."

The man was gaping. "You're telling me you guys eat BETTER than this _every day_?"

"Of course! We're chefs of Baratie, the finest restaurant in the world! It would be a crying shame if those we catered to ate anything but the best of the best!"

The Million took another sip and almost went cross-eyed. "That settles it. Forget that little speech earlier. I'm joining for the food."

By this point a few others had been served, and if their expressions were anything to go by then they shared the sentiment.

Igaram took a sip from his own bowl and erupted in goosebumps. _'This tastes as good as Terracotta's cooking!'_ Some traitorous part of his brain claimed it was actually even better, but married men learn to suppress such thoughts early on.

A half hour later, Luffy returned to the group of captured syndicate members. Most of whom were still blissed out on the ambrosia that was the recipes of the Red and Black Legs. He chuckled when he saw their dazed expressions. Ah, it was so nice to see people right after they first tasted Sanji's cooking. For a brief moment, they enjoyed food as much as he did. And these guys had only gotten soup. Wait until they tried the meat! Well, what little didn't go to Luffy himself.

"So guys! Time's up! You've all had some time to think. Which will it be? Are you cutting loose and running away? Or are you going to become my nakama?" He paused for a moment, letting the choice he presented settle in their minds. "Those of you who choose to stand beside me on this journey across the Sea, raise your hands!"

Igaram looked behind him. More than half of the Millions had raised their arms. Igaram was both happy and sad to see Miss Monday among them. He'd miss her, she'd been a good woman despite her line of work, but she was definitely going to be in good company.

Luffy grinned, and his right leg seemed to blur for a moment. The next second, all those that had raised their hands lowered them, looking with awe at the rope falling from them. Igaram was stumped by that one. Throwing knives? No, there'd been no sounds of impact on the walls behind them. There was no noise, so it wasn't bullets. He remembered what this young man's swordsman had done and considered the possibility of flying blade attacks. But a cut with a sword was one thing. Displacing air so sharply from a _kick_ , let alone over fifty times with perfect aim in a heartbeat, was surely impossible… right?

A smile that seemed like a mischievous cousin to the one they'd received earlier graced Luffy's face. "Welcome to the party, you guys! Untie your legs and join the fun! I'll get to know you all one-on-one a little later." Luffy waited until the 73 that had chosen to defect from Baroque Works had left, giving each of them a nod or wave as they passed him. He turned to regard the remaining 26 and Igaram. "I'm sad you don't want to come along, but I'll respect your decision. My crew will let you go individually and make sure you leave. I repeat, anything you start will be finished. Quite strongly," he added. Then he walked forward and kneeled in front of Igaram.

"So, Curly Haired guy. Mind telling me why you didn't want to sail with me?"

Igaram gulped. Why was he getting special attention? Was it just because he was a numbered agent? "It's nothing per—mah mah mah~! It's nothing personal, Luffy-san. It's just that my loyalty is not mine to give."

Luffy grinned cheekily, like he knew a secret Igaram didn't. "Somehow, I'm not surprised by that."

Igaram tried not to read too far into that statement. It could just be an observation. No need to be overly paranoid. He paused and glanced over at the princess, who had not relaxed the whole time. "If I may ask, what's going to happen to Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday?"

"Oh, those two. We offered the choice to the baseball dude as soon as we docked. He picked us right away. He's actually dancing out there." Now that he looked, Igaram did indeed spot Mr. 9 among the heaving throng. He noticed that Miss Monday was on a beeline straight for him. No surprise there. Those two were the worst kept secret in Baroque Works. "As for her, Nami won't let us let her go yet. She said something about a queen's ransom or something like that."

Igaram's blood turned to ice. "You—"

His accusation was cut off by Luffy's hand moving like lightning to grab something out of the air. He stood up and turned, an annoyed look on his face.

"Oi! Bomb guy! Didn't your grandpa ever hit you on the head when you tried to flick boogers at strangers?!"

' _Wait, what?'_

The party ground to a halt as everyone turned to look at Luffy for such an odd comment. Then they followed his line of sight to find two figures standing up from where they'd apparently been crouching on a nearby rooftop. The man was black with his hair styled in a bunch of little tails extending out from his scalp, almost like an explosion. His black trench coat had a prominent '5' emblazoned over his heart. The woman had blonde hair and blue eyes, and clearly had a thing for lemons. Her dress was adorned with them on top of being that sour shade of lemon yellow, she wore lemon earrings, and her hat looked like someone cut a lemon the size of a watermelon in half and hollowed it out. Both had arrogant smirks on their faces, but they seemed a little stilted.

The Millions that hadn't gone turncoat perked up. "Mr. 5! Miss Valentine! Thank goodness you're here! With you to rescue us, our fate is assured," called a woman dressed like a nun.

Mr. 5 stuck a finger up his nose. "Don't flatter yourselves. We're not here to help trash like you."

Miss Valentine sniggered. "Kyahahaha! Like we'd come to this end of the Grand Line for a handful of Millions. If you were weak enough to get captured, you're clearly of no use to Baroque Works!"

Those hopeful faces fell. It was just as Luffy had said. They were disposable. For some the realization broke what will they had left. For others, it made them reconsider their choice to stay out of piracy.

Luffy huffed. "Hey! Bomb guy! I asked you a question! What were you thinking, flicking an explosive into my party?!"

The Officer Agent grunted. "So these weaklings blabbed on our powers, did they? They'll pay for that. In any case, we're here to deal with two traitors. As an assassin, I thought it best to take them out without being seen and be on our way. But now that we're called out, let's negotiate. Hand them over and we'll leave the rest of you in peace."

"So you can run to your Boss and send a big enough force to silence us? I don't think so. Besides, you'd have gotten me and a few others with that little 'gift', so don't pretend you're worried about any of our safety!" Luffy tilted his head. "But I'm curious. Who are these traitors that merit a visit from you two?"

Mr. 5 reached into his pocket for something. "These two traitors are members of certain kingdom that infiltrated Baroque Works two years ago. They did something unforgiveable in our Boss's eyes. He told us only this: 'they know my secret'. What this secret is, even we don't know. But keeping that secret is one of the core tenets of our organization. And the traitors that discovered his secret are…" Mr. 5 pulled out two faded photographs, showing 'Miss Wednesday' and 'Mr. 8'. "Princess Nefertari Vivi of Arabasta and Igaram, Captain of the Royal Guard!"

The Millions were shocked to discover the true identities of two of their own, and the Armada was a little shocked as well.

"You're a princess?!" shrieked Mr. 9 at the revealed Vivi, who only bowed her head.

"Man, that chick's a princess? There go my chances. Oh, unless she's tired of soft princely types and wants to slum it with a real man's man?" muttered a blushing Mohji.

"I didn't hear all that, but I feel that it was faintly ridiculous, self-aggrandizing, and objectifying. So I'll do this on her behalf," stated Kadoo, before slapping the Beast Tamer upside the head.

"Oh dear. I terrorized a princess. That goes against everything I was raised to believe and behave." Kaya suddenly sunk into a cloud of depression. "Father and Mother in Heaven, forgive this grievous breach of the code of conduct. I was unspeakably disrespectful of royalty itself. Think fondly of me as I rot in Hell for my sin."

Usopp hastily tried to talk his girlfriend back from the edge. "Now, now, Kaya-chan, don't be depressed! There's no way you could have known…"

Luffy just raised a brow and turned to Igaram. "Really? You guys had to go undercover to find out it was Crocodile? I mean, who else could it be? Name one other person with enough of a foothold in Arabasta to pull all that stuff off with enough money and a criminal background. I mean, who did you think that it was? Revolutionaries? Some petty and pissed off World Noble hung up on the Nefertari Family abstaining way back when? Some corrupt magnate hoping to make your economy collapse and make a killing… actually now that I think about it, there are a few other options. Sorry for thinking you're an idiot."

Every Baroque Works agent there froze. Miss Valentine's smirk wavered a little. "Kyahahaha! What's that you're babbling about? Something about a crocodile?"

Luffy looked at the two Officer Agents like they were idiots. Believe you me, that is not a nice look to receive from Luffy. "No, Crocodile! The Shichibukai bastard! He's your boss. That's the big secret."

The pair's stoic façade shattered into expressions of horror and disbelief somewhere between a self-proclaimed god meeting his natural enemy and a long-nosed coward coming face to face with death. There was snot involved. It wasn't pretty.

Patty narrowed his eyes. "Okay, just how does this kid know all this stuff?"

"The Don knows everything!" defended a nearby Krieg pirate.

"That or Nami-sensei told him," offered a Black Cat.

"Ah, that makes sense."

Mr. 5 recovered and looked furtively at the sky. Once he'd had a good look around, he seemed to relax. "Whether what you say is true or not, the fact remains that our mission is to kill those two. So are you going to hand them over quietly… or is this going to get loud?"

Miss Valentine opened his parasol and cocked it on her shoulder. "Kyahahaha! Just be a good little pirate and give them to us. You have a hard enough time with the Marines after you. Why add an international crime syndicate to it? I mean, really, what's it matter to you what happens to these two?"

Luffy wriggled his nose. "It matter to me because Curly Hair is a good guy. I don't want him to die. And my navigator wants to ransom Vivi, and I'd pick a fight with Crocodile over her any day of the week. So looks like we're going to fight." Luffy took an exaggerated look around the town square. "I'm not usually one to play the numbers card, but it seems there's a whole lot of us and only two of you. Sure _you_ don't want to just walk away quietly?"

The twosome's smiles shifted into snarls. "Don't talk down to us, you no-name pirate!" bellowed Mr. 5. It bore mentioning that the more mobile agents rarely had reliable access to a News Coo. "The two of us are Officer Agents! We are the sixth most powerful team in all of Baroque Works, with the power of the Devil Fruits behind us!" He swung his arm out to his side, and an explosion encompassed his fist, startling some of the more inebriated of the crew. "I ate the Bomu Bomu no Mi! I can make any part of my body turn into a bomb!"

Miss Valentine hopped up and seemed to float in place. "Kyahahaha! And I ate the Kilo Kilo no Mi! I can change my weight at will to anything from 1 kilo to 10,000 kilos! I can float like a feather, or crush you like a boulder!"

A sinfully smooth hand went up in the air. "Hold up," called out Alvida, drawing everyone's attention (sadly not to what she was saying in most of the men's cases). "You're telling me… that you can lose weight… without even trying?"

Miss valentine cocked her head. "Kyahahaha! Yes, I am! What's it to you?"

'Iron Mace' Alvida lost her mind.

"ULULULULULULULULULULU~! HIYAH!" she roared, leaping clear to the rooftop and bringing down her mace hard enough to demolish the two-story house.

Mr. 5 leapt to the side, while Miss Valentine went high up in the air. "What the hell?" she gaped.

"COME BACK DOWN HERE AND TAKE YOUR POUNDING LIKE THE BITCH SLUT YOU ARE! **THIS IS FOR FAT GIRLS EVERYWHERE!** "

Sanji gaped. "Is this going to be… a _cat fight_?"

His blood and that of every red-blooded male in earshot ran in the streets.

Mr. 5 picked himself up, only to find himself face to face with an eerily calm blonde.

"I suppose I'll handle you myself. If I don't start pulling my own weight around here, people might accuse me of being a one-dimensional character."

"What is she talking about?" asked Siam.

"Pretty sure it's a yandere thing. Who knows what they're thinking," answered Buchi.

Usopp felt a weight in his guts, but he plastered a smile and gave a thumbs-up. "Go, Kaya-chan! Kick his ass!"

The battle between the Mr. 5 pair and Luffy's untested female nakama had begun.

* * *

**I've left you all in withdrawal for so long that I'll just end it there. Besides, it's 4** **th** **of July. I have to post SOMETHING. Besides, it keeps you all on the hook for Robin's big reveal just that much longer. DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M LAZY!**

**I've been told repeatedly that Kaya's character is getting out of hand. Rest assured, she will be brought to heel next chapter. In a most amusing way, if I do say so myself.**

**To all who have seen** **Finding Dory** **, I have only two words… sea otters.**

**And credit to The Patient One for giving me the idea for Zoro cutting one of the hills.**

**And now, to soothe my conscious and pad the length just that much more, enjoy my first omake.**

Why Luffy Must Never Discover Religion

Standing tall in his crow's nest, flag waving behind him and pasta strainer planted firmly over Hat, Luffy began his sermon.

"I read now from the Holy Cookbook, the Pirate's Proclomation!"

He bowed his head.

"O' Divine One,

"As has been proclaimed by the Pirates, ahoy! For a New Age has come.

"Let the printed idols fall before the Awesome might of the Noodle! Let there be singing in the streets and countrysides of the great divinity that is The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

"Let the Saviors of the past degenerate into the myths they are. Let Boyardee be raised up and with a mighty 'Arrr' let the Holy Land be found. And once there let a great monument to the Midget, the Mountain, and the Tree be built and consecrated in the name of the image of the Skull and Crossbones.

"The Swords are drawn. The flags are waving and the ships are coming to assault the port of Untruth! Pillaging, plundering, and wenching will commence and when that is done, a great cloud of saucey awesomeness will billow in the image of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, the highest and most powerful Noodle!

"Ramen!"

" _ **RAMEN!**_ " called out his faithful acolytes, as they continued to raze Mariejois to the ground.

Usopp looked out on the holy city with dead eyes. "What have we done? Chopper and I gave him that book as a joke."

"It doesn't matter what we've done! What matters is what we're going to do," barked Nami, twitching like a spooked cat in a rocking chair factory.

"What can we POSSIBLY do to fix this?" Usopp demanded, waving a hand at the scene from Hell.

"We're going to find Vegapunk and get him to send us back, even further this time! And then we'll spend every waking moment between our return and meeting up with Luffy purging all knowledge of that joke of a religion from this world. Only then will we have a chance!"

Usopp bit his lip. "But Nami! You know how crazy these butterfly effects can get! What if by doing that, we create a future even worse than this one?"

Nami looked him head-on with eyes as dead as the very idea of Sanity in this world Luffy had created.

" _There is nothing worse than this._ "

**Happy 240** **th** **birthday of the Declaration of Independence! And to everyone else, please don't think too unkindly of us Americans celebrating the start of a war with parades and literal tons of gunpowder. That's just what we do! Now good day... I said good day!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello, all. As I'm sure you've all noticed by now, my talent at writing is practically inversely proportional to my work ethic in producing it. The following is all I've managed to come up with since July. I COULD just wait until I finally finish the damn thing, but it's Christmas. You all deserve a present for being so patient. When and if I finish this chapter, I'll repost it. For now, enjoy what you can. Happy Holidays!**

* * *

**Well, here it is. The non-canon ladies of the Straw Hat Crew get to show their stuff, Luffy pulls even more charismatic voodoo, and a beloved member of the crew is finally reintroduced.**

**As for the election... well, Italy survived Berlusconi. It's only four years. Moving on T_T**

**P.S. I never realized how happy I was to be a Digimon kid rather than a Pokemon kid until I saw people tripling their data charges to run around with their phones in front of their face. Now if my sister and Mom would just stop discussing it at the dinner table -_-**

**Straw Hat: 9;** **157,000,000**

**Buggy: 116;** **15,000,000**

**Black Cat: 97;** **16,000,000**

**Don: 101;** **17,000,000**

**Baratie: 30; ?**

**Pets: 21;** **0**

**Total: 374;** **205,000,000**

* * *

The night was quite simply beautiful.

The moon, a waning gibbous just a few days short of a half, shone brightly in the sky.

SMASH!

The stars twinkled merrily on those down below, offering proof that the sun was hardly starved for company as well as mystery to he who looked on them with a child's wonder.

CRUNCH!

Waves lapped gently at the shore, never truly still, the water stretching out into the horizon.

RUMBLE!

The wind whistled along the dusty ground and around the barren hills, stark and dry and lovely in their own way.

**BOOM!**

And two women built like models were trying to murder each other.

Simply. Beautiful.

Alvida held her kanabo up and to the side in a picture perfect baseball stance. She swung for a point a bit below Miss Valentine's armpit. Should it make contact, it would at the very least crack a rib. Given the sheer amounts of adrenaline running through her taut, supple body, it would not be a surprise if the blow sent the blond assassin soaring off into the middle distance.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on whom you were rooting for), she struck nothing but air. Miss Valentine had already reduced her weight as far as her power allowed her and jumped into the air before Alvida started moving. She actually kicked off of the end as it passed under her to accelerate her journey skyward. She'd barely made it ten feet before her vector suddenly reversed, coming back toward the ground with all the destructive power of a meteor.

A crater formed beneath her high heels as she made compact. Sadly (or happily, again, depends on which one you want to win), there was no blood in that crater. Alvida had followed the momentum of her swing to run to the side. She planted her foot, turned, and leapt back towards her opponent with her weapon running parallel to her spine as she held it above her head. Describing a perfect arc, the smooth-skinned pirate brought her hands up, over, and down. The centripetal force of the stroke added to the mass of the solid steel staff and the acceleration provided by rage-fueled muscles to create an even more powerful attack than the last.

Feeling like she was playing an extremely high-stakes game of jump-rope or leap-frog, the Officer Agent once again launched herself into the air. Beneath her, the crater she'd created doubled in diameter and depth as Alvida's strike hit the spot she'd just been standing on. Deciding she needed time to create a strategy, Miss Valentine opened her umbrella and began to float above the battlefield.

Alvida jerked her weapon out of the cracked earth and looked up at the woman she had deemed her arch-nemesis the second she learned of her Devil Fruit power. "Stay still so I can hit you, you cheater!" she roared with all the fury of a sugar addict who found that someone else had eaten the last Klondike bar.

"Kyahahaha! I will when you will, crazy! Feel free to start first!" the Baroque Works agent fired back.

Alvida blew actual clouds of steam out her nostrils, so hot were the flames of her anger. Through the phenomenon psychologists have termed 'transference', Alvida had redirected all the hatred and self-loathing she'd felt over her weight her entire life onto the woman taunting her from the air. In her mind, beating this woman would cleanse every bad feeling she'd ever had. In reality, though she might experience some mild catharsis, those feelings would remain unresolved until she fully confronted and processed their root. But she didn't know that. All she knew was that 26 years (actually 29, but no one needed to know that) of negative emotion was urging her spill blood. And she was more than happy to oblige.

Not that Miss Valentine knew any of that. So she underestimated the impact of her next words.

"Why are you so bent out of shape about my ability, anyway? Did little miss size zero used to be chubby? Or are you just hung up on those pesky five pounds of cellulite left over from winter? Kyahahaha! Get over it, twig!"

The Officer Agent gave her most mocking smile. She wasn't just being mean. The angrier the target was, the more likely they were to leave an opening. That it was also fun to tear people down was just a bonus.

Alvida actually felt something _snap_ inside her brain. Her limbs, already numbed from adrenaline, seemed to vanish from her awareness. Her entire vision focused on the laughing yellow _bitch_ , everything else reduced to a fuzz. She started to feel dizzy from just how strong the all-encompassing rage had taken hold of her being.

Some tiny, sane corner of her mind noted 'So this is what a stroke feels like.'

The rest of her thought processes could be summarized as ' _ **RAAAAAAAAGH!**_ '

Miss Valentine blinked, her brain refusing to accept what her eyes were sending her. The moment passed, and suddenly she was increasing her weight as fast as she could. Her moment of hesitation was almost her undoing. She just barely managed to drop enough that the spinning 70-kilogram spiked bat didn't brain her. She landed roughly and stumbled. It was a good thing she did, because if she'd stuck it her head would have been in prime position for half-inch long nails to claw. Miss Valentine, still reeling from the suddenness of the assault, had to rely on every bit of her dodging training to avoid the downright feral flurry of blows Alvida aimed at her.

If Alvida's pupils were to vanish, her teeth transform into a shark's, and her hair start to writhe like live snakes, none of it would have seemed out of place. She had crossed the line between outraged and possessed. She wasn't behaving like a woman so much as a rabid, starving animal with inoperable hemorrhoids. She wasn't fighting to win anymore. She was fighting to _hurt_.

Not that she was having much success. She was attacking with nothing but instinct and impulse, and all her experience with fighting was with her mace. And her opponent, contrary to the stereotype about blondes, was slightly above average intelligence and an assassin besides. Not that there was an actual school or anything, but most people in that line of work learn early on that 'not getting hit' was the key to staying alive. After all, most opponents assassins face are other assassins, and one hit was all that was needed sometimes to end a life.

Suffice to say that Alvida, after a solid minute, had yet to even touch Miss Valentine. After processing that her enemy had actually made the incredibly stupid decision to throw away her weapon and adapting to the new pace of battle, Miss Valentine was ready to return fire herself. Hopping back a bit, the Baroque Works operative reeled back her fist. "Enough of this! 10,000 Kilo Ram!"

Miss Valentine launched her fist forward, her normally dainty arm turned into an unstoppable missile by the power of her Devil Fruit. It moved closer and closer until finally making contact with soft, breakable flesh… only to keep on moving. The blond woman overbalanced as her fist seemed to just glide off and to the side of the face she'd been aiming at. As she fell forward, she didn't get caught on her opponent's body. Instead she seemed to just slip past her as if they were like magnets passing by.

To her credit, Miss Valentine didn't fall flat on her face. She managed to roll and come up standing, normalizing her weight by reflex. She turned to look at the other woman, shocked confusion stuck on her face. "What the hell?"

Alvida regained just a bit of her higher functions, enough to turn and smirk tauntingly. "You're not the only one with a Devil Fruit, blond bimbo!" Seizing the moment, Alvida brought her arm around in the mother of all bitch slaps.

The sensation was… odd for Miss Valentine. She could feel tiny points of contact, but nothing as big as the palm that actually touched her. And even as she became aware of those points of contact, they were already moving, sliding along her cheek and over her nose, never staying still long enough to properly deliver the energy behind the 'impact'. It was like getting hit by a pool noodle made of feathers; she could feel a rigid core somewhere in there, but the actual contact was light and silky. And negligible.

Alvida stumbled, barely managing to catch herself. She looked down at her hand in horror, then looked up at Miss Valentine whose face was slowly curling into her usual grin.

"So. Your ability makes it so I can't touch you, but it looks like you can't touch me either." She paused, her sharp mind reviewing her failed punch. "I could have sworn I felt your clothes as I fell, so it seems to be centered on your skin. But let's make sure, shall we?" So saying, Miss Valentine brought her foot up in a kick to the fork in Alvida's legs. She didn't change her weight, in case her experiment failed and she missed again, which was why Alvida merely got the wind knocked out of her instead of a broken pelvis.

With the jeans between her and the foot, there was enough friction for the kick to make contact and the kinetic energy to wreak its havoc on her body. The Straw Hat Pirate of a day and a half bent forward slightly as her body curled around the point of impact. She might not be a man, but that was still an unpleasant area to be hit. Alvida felt her blood run cold, realizing that she wasn't nearly as invulnerable as Luffy had led her to believe. But when she looked up and saw the triumphant smirk on _her_ face, Alvida stopped caring. All she cared about was returning the pain she'd just endured tenfold. And if her memory served her right, fingernails were made of keratin, not skin.

Lashing out, Alvida raked her nails at and down Miss Valentine's face. She barely managed to break skin with her middle finger, but her hand caught on the neckline of the other's dress and came away with a fair-sized swath. Leg still held up from her kick, Miss Valentine reached up to feel her scratch and looked down at her left breast, cupped in white lace, exposed to the world.

Something in her mind clicked, and she stopped caring about her pride as an assassin in favor of her pride as a _woman_.

Snarling "Oh, it is ON!", Miss Valentine tackled Alvida to the ground and proceeded to try and reduce her to pulp. Alvida enthusiastically returned the sentiment.

This wasn't some petty catfight like you'd see at the mall, with flapping of arms at the air and tugging of ears. Both girls were out for _blood_. Alvida's traction-free skin made that difficult for both parties, but they did their best anyway. Both of their hats were soon lost in the conflict. Alvida quickly learned that head-butts did nothing but strain her neck. Miss Valentine could punch any part covered by Alvida's coat, but lacked the angle or leverage to make it stick while they were rolling around. Alvida's teeth weren't slippery and she managed to latch onto Miss Valentine's earlobe. She almost managed to get enough pressure to tear it clean off when she felt a hand on her bikini and then an excruciating pressure. Letting go, she wriggled out of the grip, sliding along the ground like a wet bar of soap. She caught herself before she went too far, and found she was in the perfect position to _crush_ the blonde's nose beneath her shoe. Miss Valentine shook her head, blood getting caught in her hair, and grabbed the hem of the pirate's pants and pulled. Rather than bringing her opponent back in reach, she wound up with a pair of capris and the sight of Alvida scrambling to her feet before jumping on her back. She tried to buck her off, but didn't manage it before she felt two hands grab huge chunks of her hair. With her new leverage, Alvida started to bash Miss Valentine's head into the ground. The assassin scrambled to escape, but she didn't have the neck strength to rip her hair out by the roots and her hands slipped as she tried to grasp the offending arms. Her ears were starting to ring before she made the split-second decision to reduce to 1 kilogram. As Alvida pulled her head back up, she wound up pulling Miss Valentine right up and out from between her legs. She let go at the disorientation and short fall to the ground, giving Miss Valentine enough time to center herself and normalize so she fell on Alvida's back. Thinking fast, the femme fatale dug her right arm under Alvida's neck and grabbed the wrist with her left. She pulled back, and discovered to her delight that unnaturally smooth as she was, Alvida's head couldn't slip down past Miss Valentine's forearm. The gap was just too small without dislocating or concaving her jaw. Acting fast, Miss Valentine wrestled the struggling woman around so she was lying atop her, back to front. In a triumphant hiss, the blonde said "10,000 Kilo Guillotine."

The arm across Alvida's throat went from an uncomfortable pressure to an industrial press. She choked, gasping for air that wasn't there. Darkness started to cloud her vision as it felt like her windpipe was about to collapse under the sheer weight. She was being crushed. She was going to die! She was going to DIE! Alvida brought up her hands to try and move the terrible pressure, but she just couldn't get a good enough grip. Even then, her desperate pulls were just too weak to make any difference.

Alvida heard her heart beating like it was the biggest drum on the planet. She felt it push against the front of her chest, like it was trying to escape from her dying body and find a new one. As her vision faded, it got even louder, so it was impossible to miss that it started to slow down and stutter.

Alvida made one last convulsive gurgle, but her lungs continued to burn. The beats got further and further apart. The silence between them seemed to become deeper, darker, heavier. How simple it would be, to sink down into that perfect quiet, to become wrapped in a blanket of dark, to find a peace as cold and undisturbed as a field of snow. White snow. White. Light. She could see a light. It was so very pretty…

She heard the words from far away. "So much for that pounding you were going to give me. I guess fat girls everywhere will be disappointed."

Fire bloomed in her chest, her heart picked up in a defiant surge, and the light was replaced by the night sky. Alvida grit her teeth. She was _not_ going to die here. Not unless she was taking this smug _hack_ with her.

Her oxygen-starved brain tried to cobble together a plan. She couldn't move the arm up or off her. She couldn't slide her head down past the arm.

But could she slide her body _up_ past it?

With the last of her strength, Alvida planted her feet on the ground and _pushed_.

Had Miss Valentine used a proper sleeper hold, the 'Iron Mace' pirate might well have met her end that night. Instead, Alvida shot like a cork out of her captor's arms. She also managed to slide out of her coat, which led to her moving along the ground like a curling stone on ice. She came to a stop against the wall of a house almost at the end of the street she and Valentine had been fighting on. And what would you know, that house was right next to where her kanabo had landed.

After taking a few seconds to savor the sweetest air she'd ever tasted, Alvida got back on her feet. She walked over and heaved her weapon up to rest on her shoulder. Looking back where she came, she found her rival dusting herself off, her umbrella already back in hand. Alvida had done enough damage to her dress that she might as well not have been wearing it. Miss Valentine seemed to come to the same conclusion, ripping the tatters off of her and throwing them aside. They faced each other, neither caring they were only in their undergarments and shoes. It mattered not what armor a warrior wore. It mattered only how much of their enemy's blood they could stain it with.

Alvida blew a stray lock of hair out of her face. Her brush with death had knocked her out of her berserker rage. Brute force had proved ineffective. It was time to fight smarter, not harder. 'Every time I try to hit her she dodges into the air. And sooner or later, I'm going to be too slow to dodge her when she comes back down. She's working out the weaknesses of my fruit, so I shouldn't let her get too close. But I can't just run away from her. I need a way of hitting her hard and fast, before she can jump…'

Alvida took a moment to notice the distance between them. 'I slid pretty far. Well, that's the thing about having super smooth skin. According to Newton's first law, inertia will keep an object moving until acted on by an outside force, and that force is usually friction.' Yes, she knew physics. She'd grown up fat and friendless, there wasn't much to do but read and eat. 'Frictionless surfaces, the holy grail of ground transportation. If a vehicle could coast on one, then the energy requirements would be greatly reduced. It'd just move along at the same speed it started. Huh, didn't I read about something like that? Oh yes, that bit on magnetic levitation in that book on those theoretical transport devices called trains…'

Those random thoughts, doubtless a lingering effect from her asphyxiation, sparked something in the depths of her head. Carefully, Alvida slipped off her left shoe and felt the ground. She adjusted her weight slightly, working out what patches of skin weren't affected by her power.

Miss Valentine started to shout. "You might as well just give up, you greasy slut! If you do, I might even make it quick! We're going to kill all of you! The princess, her bodyguard, and all you dumb pirates stupid enough to interfere with our mission! You think you bunch of rookies can go up against an organization like Baroque Works?! I'm going to crush every last one of you like bugs and then Mr. 5 will turn your bodies into dust! And if any of them are even half as crazy as you, we wouldn't just be completing our mission, we'd be doing a public service!"

Alvida settled her stance, her gambit prepared. "Are you done?"

It was remarkable how a face so pretty could twist into something so ugly. "Forget about quick, I'll do you _slow_."

Alvida's response was to kick off with her right shoe. "Sube Sube Spur!" she shouted, suddenly moving incredibly fast at Miss Valentine, balanced on her left foot as it slid along the ground like it was buttered.

Miss Valentine was too surprised to dodge the attack. Luckily for her, it wouldn't have hit anyway. Alvida had kicked off at the tiniest at the tiniest bit of an angle and wound up passing by a yard to the blonde's left. Before she'd gone too far, Alvida brought down her right foot. Her shoe absorbed the momentum and brought her to a halt with minimal sliding. Twisting herself, Alvida aimed herself once more and launched herself at impressive speeds toward her nemesis.

This time, Miss Valentine had enough presence of mind to jump. She opened her umbrella and watched as Alvida skidded to a halt.

(A brief note on the Kilo Kilo no Mi. It allowed a user to change his or her weight to anything between 1 and 10,000 kilograms at will. But what exactly is 'weight'? In layman's terms, it is the pull of gravity on the mass of an object. The mechanism of the Kilo Kilo no Mi, as well as its cousin the Ton Ton no Mi, was to use a localized version of the power given by the Devil Fruit most recently eaten by a man named Issho. Weight was changed by the increase or decrease of the user's gravity field. This is why the user did not change shape; their mass was unaffected. And since the user's mass was unaffected, their muscles did not get larger or denser to help a user move under increased gravity the same as they would normal gravity. This was the reason Miss Valentine didn't just go to 10,000 kilograms and become a rampaging juggernaut; she couldn't really _move_ when she was that heavy. That's why most of her attacks tended to involve falling on an opponent or shifting her weight while already moving and relying on her momentum to move her. Conversely, she didn't lower her weight and become superfast because her muscles would begin to atrophy at lower gravity much like an astronaut's. And the reason she didn't just tank attacks was, to reiterate, her mass was unaffected by her fruit. So even though she might be 10,000 kilograms, she was 10,000 kilograms of flesh and blood. The only difference her weight made to how she took attacks was how fast she fell, hence her hard work at her ability to move out of the way of hits.

We now return to the fight)

Miss Valentine narrowed her eyes before resuming her usual smirk. "Neat trick! But you still can't hit me from all the way down there! And if you throw that glorified baseball bat again, you're dead meat! Kyahahaha!

Alvida measured Miss Valentine's position in the air with calculating eyes. "I hope this works," she muttered to herself. Then she kicked off once more with her right foot. Only this time, she didn't direct the force in a straight line, but in a curve. Alvida started to spin in a circle like an ice skater despite being on dry land. Her features blurred at her speed, spinning around and around without any loss of energy.

Miss Valentine gaped. "What the hell?"

Suddenly planting her right foot in the ground, Alvida channeled the _considerable_ centripetal force of her rotation into her kanabo. Angling her shoulders just so, she let her projectile loose with a cry of "SUBE SUBE HAMMERTHROW!"

Given Alvida's level of experience with her ability, it was luck more than anything that led to her aim being true. But true it was. Before Miss Valentine knew what happened to her, she caught what was as good as a ballista bolt in the solar plexus. At only 1 kilogram, she did practically nothing to impede its flight. Her world consumed in pain, the Officer Agent was sent flying along the arc of the kanabo, ending only when it met one of the far off cactus hills. The kanabo fell to the ground below. Miss Valentine, her body sunk a good inch into the spherical graveyard, slowly fell forward. Body limp, bloody foam leaking from her mouth, she too succumbed to gravity's embrace and came crashing down to earth.

Alvida huffed. Damn, but that had been _exhausting_. Her abs were on fire from the effort it had taken to remain upright during her spin rather than falling flat on her ass. And all that freelance demolition she'd done while caught up in her righteous fury was starting to catch up with her. Oh, and her body was still recovering from the fact she'd nearly _died_. But however many aches and pains wracked her, Alvida couldn't help but smile.

"I… I won."

"Disappointing."

Alvida whipped her head around. Nami was leaning against the wall of the building next to her. Her face was flat as her chest was convex.

Alvida felt whatever anger hadn't been worked out by beating Miss Valentine refocus on the navigator. "Well excuse me for not putting on a good enough show! It's not like I only got my powers _yesterday_ and am still working out how this new body works. And sure I almost lost at one point, but I won in the end, didn't I? Seniority be damned, you don't have the right to talk smack about my fights—"

"I wasn't talking about your fight," Nami cut her off. "That was decent, all things considered." Nami raised her hand to point, her expression still devoid of any emotion whatsoever. "I was talking about _that_."

Alvida followed her nakama's line of sight. Her view unimpeded thanks to all the buildings she'd reduced to rubble, she noticed the town square where this whole debacle had started.

It was the scene of a massacre. The men of the Straw Hat Armada were spread out on the ground. Their eyes were blank and unseeing, their bodies still but for some random twitching. Some of them laid hanging off the edge of rooftops or embedded in walls as if they'd been thrown around by a giant. Blood was _everywhere_. On the walls, on their clothes, on the ground it was so thick it had started to become rust-red mud. In the center of the carnage, soaked from head to toe and lying in an inch of the stuff, was none other than Sanji himself.

He, along with every single one of the rest of the men, had a shit-eating grin on his face.

Alvida mentally replayed the fight as it must have looked from a third-person view, and looked down at her half-torn bikini top and sweat-soaked panties.

When she looked up, her face was as unimpressed as Nami's. "You're right. That _is_ disappointing."

* * *

Mr. 5 was not having a good day.

First, he'd been awakened by a kick to the head by his partner, shrieking that she couldn't take his snoring for one more second. Well, what did she expect? He had a very congested nose, that's how he had so much ammo to use. They'd been assigned together for over a year; she should have gotten used to it by now. Or at the very least bought some earplugs.

Next, he'd had to eat her cooking for breakfast. When it came to desserts, or really ANYTHING with chocolate in it, she might as well be a gourmet chef from Pucci. For everything else… the safest word Mr. 5 had found to describe it was 'interesting'. As in "that eel and cabbage stew was very… interesting" or "what an… interesting idea to put pickled kiwi jam on toast". He'd rather gnaw on hard tack, but they were too well supplied for him to get away with it. Plus, if he insulted her culinary skills, he'd get a 200 kilo kick to the balls, and he was NOT eager to experience one of those again.

Then, he'd had to take a very terse call from the Boss, reminding them of the deadline for their mission. It was bad enough they had to sail to the ass-end of the Grand Line without his superior breathing down his neck. Really, they were Officer Agents. In-house cleaning was beneath them, even if the guilty parties were Frontier Agents. Mr. 5 resolved to get a few extra hits in on this Princess Vivi. Why'd she have to get nosy and look into the Boss's secret and drag them out to deal with her?

After that, it was a long, boring day of sailing following the Eternal Pose to Cactus Island. Fending off Sea Kings got boring when all that was needed to send them running (swimming?) was to flick a booger. Still, he preferred those brief interludes over pretending to listen to Miss Valentine's chatter. That woman could not go five minutes without hearing her own voice. Though Mr. 5 consoled himself over the day with the fact he could have been assigned to Miss Merrychristmas. She made Miss Valentine look like a mime.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello, world. For reasons I cannot fathom, New Game Plus was, for a brief period, the most favorited fanfic in the One Piece Fandom. Therefore, it seems to me that you all deserve more than just silence on my part. So, here's the way it's going to be:**

**I am leaving New Game Plus. That's not to say that it's dead, because I'm not sure if I'll ever come back and pick up where I left off. But I am sure that I have no immediate plans to write anymore for the foreseeable future. I apologize for any disappointment this causes, but I'm just not in a good place in my life right now, and I need to work on myself before I work on any fictional characters, however much I may want to.**

**However, I'm not a jealous or stingy person (usually). I leave you with my story notes, all the stream-of-consciousness I have saved up regarding my plans for this fic. Feel free to use any of them in your own writings. Heck, you can even try to continue NGP for me. For the official record, I declare this fanfic open for adoption to anyone. You don't even have to ask! Just write, if you feel like it.**

**And finally, a fond farewell to Xomniac and the rest of the Cross Brain. Looks like you guys won our little showdown. Best of luck to you all!**

* * *

Vivi and Igaram are held at ransom by Nami, Unluckies turn up to be converted by Robin (otter is Jason b/c sounds like juu-san, vulture is Freyja), dogpile, she handles everything gracefully, gives tools (including Pop Greens and free Logs so Nami can make new Eternal Poses for each island) and many-armed hugs, goes on ahead to set up everything in Arabasta, leaves behind a ship for the 'Infiltration' crew, the Magpie (future upgrade is Corvus to mirror Jackdaw/Aquila).

Haki Training starts during trip, Reach Little Garden for supplies, crew bathed in bug spray, Usopp leads expedition for Brogy, Luffy for Dorry, Sanji and Zoro have hunting contest rematch. Nami and Alvida bond, No Mr. 3 because of Robin's arrangements. Kizaru shows up, questions the Stooges, "We'll die before we talk." "I believe you." Luffy LOSES. HIS. SHIT. Gear Fourth, all over the island fighting Kizaru, constant Conqueror's messes with his concentration just enough to make his power lose its edge (You lack conviction), Luffy charges through Kusanagi no Tsurugi (basically a nuke) to land Gomu Gomu no Panzerschreck (compressed giant flaming bazooka) into the volcano. Luffy lost all skin, 3rd and 4th degree burns, Kadoo goes on rant about how a trained monkey can do what she does, Kaya shakes head and says she can only add a few hours, "then we'll make those hours count!". Giants respect Luffy and are all prepared to deal with Island Eater until: Sanji kicks up, Zoro slices, Usopp bombs, Brook freezes wave, Nami melts path through. Curly, Moe and Shemp's cousin, takes place of Stooges for color commentary and Buggy navigation.

Piggyback Laboon, fly past Wapol, very heated confrontation with Dalton until Zoro cuts through tension like a knife (suggestion of conqueror's). Teams split up and search. Animals, Nami, and Baroque stay at Bighorn. Usopp, Alvida, Kaya, and Kadoo carry Luffy, Zoro to lug tram, and Baratie head for Ropeway near Gyasta, Don crew actually go for Gyasta, Buggy crew heads for Cocoa Weed, Black Cats make for Robelle. Sanji and Brook book for Arendelle and Fille to search for Chopper and Kureha. Turns out at Castle, emergency surgery prevents reunion, Chopper needs blood ASAP, crews decide to climb but won't make it in time, Usopp instructs Nami and Valentine to build makeshift hot air balloon to transport Dalton's blood bank, 5 explodes handholds for Baroque, Jango hypnotizes skills into Cats, Buggy floats whole crew up straining entire body in process, Dons decide to shimmy up the rope, Brook and Sanji do their own thing. Touch-and-go, Nami has bright idea to gather snow for water in prep for Arabasta, of course Wapol shows up, but Dalton and Drum have been inspired by the example of a king that Luffy has set and repel him all on their own… with assistance from the pets… who managed to forge an alliance with the Lapahn. Luffy released under Chopper's supervision, "I'll miss you too, Mom", core crew explain how they knew so much since they slipped up so much in their panic, armada blown away, Vivi starts to think.

Arabasta, Luffy tracks down Sabo and unlocks his memory, they meet up with Ace, ASL lead Smoker on merry chase, reminisce, introduce crew, reenact brotherhood ceremony, exchange Vivre Cards and maybe Den Den numbers. Luffy warns Ace just how powerful he is, Chopper hands Scope notes taken during Drum attack, Ace asks if he knows where he is to, uses voice to be sure, Ace decides to stick with Luffy (but leaves Arabasta to him). Tame Kung-Fu Dugong, split into parties. Gaimon and animals stand guard. Luffy, Nami, Buggy pirates, and Don Pirates make for Rainbase. Black Cat pirates and Second Chance pirates smoke out Billions in Nanohana with Brook's supervision. Usopp, Kaya, Vivi, Mr. 9, Ms. Friday, Igaram, and Baratie go to Katorea to meet with Kohza and handle Rebel plants. Sanji takes Carue to Alubarna to deal with Mr. 7 pair and the Royal plants. Zoro and Chopper lead ambush on Officer Agents at Spiders Café. Mr.1: Buggy. Ms. Doublefinger: Alvida. Mr. 2: Gin (exploding Tonfa). Mr.3: 5 and Valentine's. Ms. Goldenweek: Jango (Siren Slice). Mr. 4: Pearl and Siam/Buchi. Ms. Merrychristmas: Mohji/Richie and Cabaji. Robin takes down Crocodile with Armament (Èpine instead of Fleur), Luffy puts the fear of God in him with Conqueror's (You and I are not the same class of pirate). All meet up in Alubarna (tame Sandora Dragons, Banchi, race through night with Theme Music Power-Up), Crocodile confesses to all with Luffy behind him, Smoker and Tashigi witness, party to end all parties in the palace, give Vivi same ultimatum. Crew stop by Poneglyph in the desert (filler), destroy Pluton as a group exercise (This thing can destroy the world, right? Well, I don't want that to happen. If the world gets destroyed, where will I get my meat?). Laboon takes care of Hina, Bentham makes Okama crew, Galdino and Afremov Leonida (Goldenweek) recruited to Second Chance crew (Doublefinger, Christmas, and 4/Lassoo stay in Arabasta). Vivi makes speech to country, 'Jackdaw' Adewale speech, go on record renouncing her titles, becomes captain of Second Chance. New Bounties: Luffy 600 (Borsalino and embarrassing WG w/ Crocodile) 'Three-Faced Oni' Zoro 420 (higher-ups recognized hat and he cuts some of Hina's ships at distance) Buggy 75 (beat Daz Bones and captain in own right), Vivi "only Alive" 19. Brook 66 ('rode' Laboon, updated photo).

Hijinks on open ocean. Brook, Jango, and Leonida form unholy trinity of illusion. Much more cordial meeting with Masira after galleon falls. Luffy tames giant turtle 'temporarily' on Nami's order. Head straight for Cricket, get him to convert Merry, Baratie, and Big Top for the Knock-Up Stream, send crews into forest to hunt for South Birds while core plus Ace head into Mock Town. Luffy and Ace head for Pub for Bellamy and Teach, rest spread out for three others in town. Just as they are positioning selves, Birdcage closes around the town. Turns out Doflamingo and the three seats have come to eliminate the threat of Luffy and clear out the town in a joint operation, with Vergo providing transport. Becomes free-for-all with Ace vs Teach, Luffy vs. Doflamingo, Straw Hats vs. Blackbeard officers/Donquixote officers/Marine mooks. Zoro vs Diamante (too small for Pika to go huge), Sanji vs Pika (Shitty geezer left footprints in concrete, time to see if I can do the same), Brook vs Trebol (freeze the mucus and bullets don't work on bone), Robin (awakened) vs Vergo, Usopp vs Van Auger (snipe off a la Shooter), Chopper vs Jesus Burgess, Nami vs Doc Q (explosives, scythe, tank which is subverted by appearance), Kaya and Alvida work the goons. Ace ends up getting sucked into Teach and he flees like coward out of the cage, Luffy unveils Eidolon (either monkey appearance or Super Saiyan aura) and recreates win of manga, debate how to deal with him before deciding to kill him (Superman neck snap). Crew shambles back to Cricket's house, solemn mood ended by Luffy insisting a party (Going to Sky Island), karaoke Omake, next morning give a very specific heading to the seabound crews while three go to Stream. Robin gives Cricket a vivre card so he can follow them after hearing the bell.

Black Cat, Don, Second Chance, Okama, and Saruyama find themselves on an island overrun by plant from The Ruins/ Lotus Eaters. Brook taken out early by lotus (Most delicious thing to ever pass my tongue. Except I don't have a tongue. Skull joke!) All 'minor' characters get an arc as they fight to abandoned castle where root of the plant is.

Repel Wiper, make to Angel Beach, Luffy calls out Enel from Conis' house, use Armament to block retaliatory strike. No need for Shrimp to steal the boats, they set off right after dealing with White Berets. Since Luffy and co. did Ordeal of Balls in first timeline, so three ships take three other ordeals. Buggy does Ordeal of String (can 'fly' and not affected by slicing to ribbons). Baratie take Ordeal of Swamp (Gedatsu so pathetic that Zeff one-shots him). Ohm and his 'perfect' Ordeal of Iron get demolished by the Straw Hats, Kaya gets Eisen Whip as gift and to make her combat worthy. All meet up at Sacrificial Alter, Bonfire, meet Klabautermann of Merry. Next day, split up. Baratie goes on ingredients expedition, running into Shandians and Divine Soldiers (Yama as boss for Patty and Carne). Buggy and Nami head for Maxim for the moolah, Robin, Usopp, and Kaya go to recheck ruins (runs into Satori, Hotori and Kotori handled by Kaya). Luffy tames Nola to give him ride to Enel's Shrine while rest of crew try to minimize casualties. Luffy and Enel face off, the guy manages to hit every single one of Luffy's buttons with his god-complex rant (insinuates keep Alvida and Nami as brides), Alvida ends up dealing with Wiper, Luffy ends up beating him within inch of his life and using Conqueror's to point he breaks. Ring the bell, end the war, Enel ends up like Gilderoy. Luffy can't bring himself to leave to Shandian justice when he has no memory of his sins, feels responsible so recruits to core crew.

Navarone. "I think you're the nicest sociopath I've ever met."

Reunite at Long Island Long Land with Tonjit and Shelly, Foxy for a nice vacation, test out Gear R, ends up dismissing all crew members stolen to go own way. Leaves Foxy, Porche, Hamburg, Pickles, Big Pan, Itomimizu and Chuchun, Capote and Monda and about 200 that want to stay. For Luffy's entrance: Nami darkens the sky with black ball. Then the Armada does stomp, stomp, clap! And "We will, we will rock you!" to psych out the crew. Then transition into "Eye of the Tiger" by Brook, while training montage of Luffy plays on the clouds from Video den den. And he finally appears to X gon give it to ya (possible omake)

All fun and games until Aokiji shows up. Lets Tonjit run away, verbal spar, then reveals Buster Call. 1st ship: Laboon and Brook. 2nd Ship: Buggy. 3rd Ship: Black Cats*. 4th Ship: Don*. 5th ship: Second Chance*. 6th Ship: Okama. 7th Ship: Saruyama*. 8th Ship: Gaimon and non-canon. 9th Ship: Baratie. 10th Ship: Foxy*. Strawberry: Zoro. Yamakaji: Sanji. Doberman: Nami and Usopp. Onigumo: Chopper (Zoan off). Stainless: Robin. Luffy vs Kuzan. Battle lasts two days on shore, crews recover from casualties out at sea, unspoken rule not to interfere. ("You know, of all the Admirals I've met, you're actually the one I respect least. Borsalino was broken. He just didn't _care_ about the lives of others. The fact he managed to keep himself in line for so long is admirable. And Sakazuki… he's a zealot. As far as he's concerned, the will of the Government is the will of God. He genuinely believes he is doing the right thing. He's willing to die for what he believes in. He's willing to kill for it. I want to beat him into a bloody pulp, but I can respect his dedication. But you… you're decent. You have a moral compass. You can think for yourself. At some point, you must have had a moment of doubt. You must have looked at all they've made you do, all they've made you give. You must have seen the hypocrisy, the moral excrement behind their actions… And yet you stayed. You took the path of least resistance. And that's why 'Lazy Justice' is _worse_ than Absolute Justice." "The system demands sacrifice, that is true. But it's still the best we have. It keeps the world in order. Violence and tragedy abound, but at least it's _predictable_. It's manageable. If millions must die to preserve the peaceful lives of billions, that is a price I am willing to pay. I didn't start the system. I can't change it. So, I keep it running. I do what I do to keep the world from falling into chaos. As I am forced to do yet again.") Battle ends with Luffy melting off Kuzan's leg like in manga, leaves him alive because he's a neat guy.

Sail punch-drunk and battered into Water 7. Franky already modified and aghast at state of the crew. Gets multibillion Beri investment to build them a fleet. Actually explore other 3 islands on Train line. Sengoku points out to Garp the transcript, Luffy never promised to be Marine, Garp realizes he was played and regains Unstoppable Rage. Kidnaps Luffy and drags him to Enies Lobby to transport him to Impel Down. Crew mounts a rescue mission. CP9 make to swoop in, but are crushed so they can deal with the real problem. Rocketman. War. "Ace was captured by Marshall D. Teach. He was turned over to the Government in exchange for the title of Shichibukai. A public execution will be set. Whitebeard will attack Marineford itself to stop it. It will come to be known as the War of the Best. Against all odds, Ace will be freed from his shackles. And just when it looked like he'd get away, Akainu struck a death blow. And he died in my arms." "Died? You're speaking past tense, Luffy." "I'm from the future, Gramps. You don't have to believe me. Just know that I SAW a fist of magma go through my brother's chest. I SAW the light leave his eyes… And I SAW you stand by and do _nothing_. Because no matter how much you claim to love us, you love your 'Justice' more. And that's why I'll _never_ be a Marine. And why I used you. And why I'd do it all again if I had to." "These are my nakama. These are my crew. These are my family." "If it's to protect our nakama, be it the Government or the entire world, we would make anyone our enemy. That's what it means to be Straw Hat."

Bounties after dust settles: Luffy 700. Zoro 560. 'Scorch Leg' Sanji 228 (fake photo to get Duval or, if info provided by then, real and fallout from Vinsmoke). Nami 133, Usopp 106. 'Monster Tanuki' Chopper 110. Robin 189. Franky 127 (obvious use of Vegapunk tech on Enies). Brook 135. Alvida 50 (raised ten times). Kaya 22 (Eisen Whip plus pistol lessons). Enel 71 (Logia, even if 'new' at it). Kaku 82. Buggy 150. "Acrobatic" Cabaji 14. Mohji/Richie 14,5. Jango 63. Sham/Buchi 31. Gin 78. Pearl 21. 'Red-Leg' Zeff reinstated. 'Mad Bomber' Adeiru Red 25. 'Human Wrecking Ball' Godiva 17,5. Galdino 84. Leonida 9. Vivi 38 (unlock Conqueror's). Bentham 169 (ha-ha). Montblanc Cricket 54. Masira/Shoujou (consult wiki). Foxy 47,999. Viking funeral for Merry, she speaks to the crew as they say goodbye, the love of the whole Armada gives her enough of a spirit for Brook to grab her and host her in his skeleton.

Take on Florian Triangle, find it in ruins, turns out Brook's test iceberg diverted a school of fish, which led to them birthing in different place, which altered patterns just enough that Kraken's food was right near Thriller Bark, rears its ugly head. New Gaon Cannon can destroy island, blasts hole and crews go in to get its heart. Kuma shows up, challenges Luffy to take all the pain of the entire Armada, earns his respect and leaves, Perona tags onto core crew, Lola and Rolling Pirates left free because it's getting freaking crowded, but swear alliance.

Rescue Keimi, Duval debacle (blast conqueror and jump straight to Perage Shot), save slave at Grove 31, then go on to meet Shakki. Core crew spread out and buy/free every slave on the Archipelago. Buggy crew guards Keimi with lives, so no kidnap scare. (Billionaire several times over thanks to harvesting Maxim via Storage Dial). Luffy checks Auction House for Rayleigh, gets in bidding war with Charloss, end up Conquering audience to render moot and talk to Ray. Once rest is over, Luffy gives heading so Armada can meet up with Whitebeard, all those deemed too 'weak' stay behind with Flying Fish. He goes to Amazon Lily solo. Note Law has sworn allegiance thanks to avenging Rosinante.

Luffy is reasonably exhausted when arrives, to spare Margaret, Sweetpea, and Aphelandra, land directly in village. Request to meet Snake Princess, held in prison, "Who writes the law? Can I make an appeal? … Better to ask forgiveness than permission." Hancock is told when docks, comes to check, tries to arbitrarily petrify but A.) she's a bitch and B.) even if Luffy has thoughts now, they're still 'pure', so fruit doesn't work. Execution in ring, KD Bakula, curb-stomp the sisters "The thing about Observation… doesn't matter if you have it if your opponent is faster. And the problem with Armament… it only works if your opponent is weaker." Luffy ends up dueling Hancock herself, decent duel (note: black lightning of Conqueror clash), red hawk burns up coat and reveals back "I've heard the story around the island about your back. It's make-believe, but there must be something you don't want people to see." Luffy summoned to Castle, asked if he recognizes, he does the exposition for once, Hancock challenges if he looks down on her for being a slave. "Of course not. You were a victim. That doesn't make you weak, and it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of. The only ones at fault here are the Celestial Dragons for doing that to you." That plus story of Luffy liberating slaves and challenging Roswald a la Nyon, she falls. Make request to go to Impel Down, sisters rage but she agrees, obligatory feast while Hancock falls 'love-sick', Luffy hides under her cloak onto Marine ship.

Luffy and Boa have really good time on trip to Impel Down, now that he grasps the whole 'marriage' thing and is smart enough to carry a conversation. Hancock begs him not to make a fuss, cheeky grin, kiss on cheek melts brain. Luffy uses Level 1 entrance to 5.5, blows through Newkama Land to Level 5, KD Den Den Mushi surveillance, get to Level 6, free Ace and Jinbe, Won Crocodile's respect so grabs him too, and escapes back to Level 5 before the lift even reaches Level 6. Wait it out in Newkama Land until 'opportune moment', chaos as Ace is discovered missing, Marine ships brought in to search the prison while Hancock sails away. Mother of all jail breaks, Luffy stretches KD to max to knock out most of the Marines, Newkama/Ace/Jinbe/Crocodile do the rest (remember to rescue Daz Bones). When run into Sadi, Ivankov handles her, while the four 'mem' one-shot the Jailor Beasts. Magellan is waiting at Level 3, along with Hannyabal and five Vice Admirals. Luffy takes Magellan, Ace/Jinbe/Crocodile/Inazuma/Daz Bones/Ivan handle other six. To be immune to poison, Luffy uses Armament: Cocoon. Hardens the air around him, nothing goes in or out… including oxygen, so use it in bursts. Eventual victory, make for top floor, Saldeath almost a footnote. Luffy jams open the Doors to Justice from monitor room, sink every ship but one used to run away. They pass Blackbeard, Luffy holds back Ace, they have war to deal with.

Doors open since Lafitte hypnotized. Descend into WAR! Marines used decoy to avoid admitting lost their precious hostage. Ace lands on ship on time to convince Squardo not to mutiny. Luffy has beef with Akainu, plus they're locked in so continue with 'best defense is a good offense'. Entire line of Pacifista laid to rubble by Straw Hat crew, Ivankov tackles original, Luffy goes for Akainu but is intercepted by Garp. Zoro and Robin go for Akainu, Marco, Ace, and Sabo go for Kuzan, Sanji and Jinbe take Fujitora, Whitebeard vs Sengoku ("All this madness… was it worth it?" "To remove the shadow of Roger over the world once and for all? A bargain at twice the price.") Luffy goes full out "Monkey King/God" with Gear 5 and staff against Garp. Blackbeard shows up for dramatic reveal only to be smacked down like a little bitch. Flee with the Marines trounced and the Ox Bell rung. Luffy meets Shanks (Usopp meets his dad), offers the Hat back, Shanks "It suits you more." (Whitebeard succumbs to injuries, Gura Gura no Mi for Dressrosa)

Luffy orders Armada to fan out and train for two years, includes core crew. Luffy and Hancock have a kid, Usopp becomes God with Pop Greens AND Pluton AND Vegapunk tech via Franky. Assuming continuity isn't shot to hell, resume with New Romance Dawn.


End file.
